GreatInquiry7

I posted here about 3 weeks ago and the premise of me coming here was because I "party" too much and when I do it is to extreme excess.

Anyway I had a lot of stress going on and I somehow rationalized on a Wednesday that I could just get a couple drinks and its ok... well I just came up for air after 5 days and thousands of dollars poorer (high end clubs, high end "adult" clubs, etc.). 5 days. After I planned just going to a normal "chill" bar.

And I'm confused as to why I couldn't just do what I went out to do and have a couple drinks.

I said in the beginning I know 100% the way I drink is a problem. I thought I could do 2 drinks. Guess not.

I know this is stream of consciousness but any thoughts from someone whose been there would be welcome.

Wastinglife

I am the same very much. I don't have much ability for rational thought when I am on a bender. Impulse control is a huge issue for me in general but add alcohol and I just go off and follow my every whim. I hate this cycle and being an anxiety-ridden mess.

GreatInquiry7

And when you're on a bender you think its ok.... tomorrow will be the last day. Its not.And the high of the party makes you want to keep going.

The only time its your last day is when your stomach feels like so much **** that you cant continue.

Dee74

I remember being flabbergasted when someone here said - it's the first drink that's the problem not the last.

I was shocked because I'd always said 'if only I haven't drunk that at the end of the night'.

But for drinkers like me, and I suspect for you too, things change when that alcohol hits our system.

All my good intent and ration thinking went out the window.

I once went out for one nights drinking - I'd been doing well, no drinks for about 2 months...made plans to be home by the last bus @11.40 PM...

.,..it was 2 and a half years of daily all day drinking later before I stopped drinking again.

D

doggonecarl

You are not a "normal" drinker, you never will be. You don't have an off switch.

How long you try to convince yourself otherwise is up to you.

Nonsensical

I have the same issue, but I'm no longer confused as to why.

Or what I need to do about it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Gottalife

The Doctor's Opinion in the book Alcoholics Anonymous has a good explanation.

August252015

Yep, "one drink is too much and 1000 is never enough." For people like us.

It doesn't matter what form your alcoholism takes- the primary questions are simple: can you stop once you start? and, has your life become unmanageable?

That second one can trip people up if they convince themselves they haven't lost [much, enough, etc]. You're already losing things- lots of money, time, serenity, good thinking.....I hope you stop before the losses become much bigger, perhaps insurmountable - this disease KILLS.

Best to you.

totfit

I absolutely understand what you did. For me if I think I will have a couple of drinks, I have come to the realization simply actions such as this, "a bender" are just the way it is. I have little or no control when I put alcohol in my system. Does not mean that I would go on a bender every time, just that I can't say I will or I won't. The only solution to this is not to take the first drink.

tomsteve

i cant say how many times i went out with,"ill do it differently this time."
cant say how many times i didnt want to drink, yet no amount of willpower could keep me from drinking.
cant say how many times i would have that first drink and knew exactly where it was leading.
cant say how many times i passed in the next morning saying,"i cant believe i did that AGAIN!."
i had no mental control. i couldnt not drink. no amount of reasoning stopped me from drinking.
no matter how hard i tried, i could not limit how much i drank- i lost the power to do so.
vows to never drink again didnt cut it.
promises didint cut it.

then i sunk deeper into alcoholism and didnt care- i stopped fighting and just drank.

then i recieved the greatest gift ever- the gift of desperation. the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality. i surrendered and got help in/with the fellowship of AA.
it sure as hell wasnt easy getting sober- hardest thing ive ever done- harder than fighting cancer even.
staying sober has been easy,though, and well worth every second of fight i had to put in.

D122y

great,

imo...what sr taught me is that i have brain damage from all of my years of drinking.

it is chronic. i could make it a few days or a month with no booze. then i would begin to crave. the crave was incessent and i would rationalize anything to drink.

denying the crave was suffering like i never experienced. this lasted for months, slowly getting less and less painful, but never going totally going away.

that is my addiction. it is for life.

there is no mystery. it is science.

it takes years of sobriety to get used to normal. Most never make it out.

thanks.

Lizajane

GI7
You can read lots on the WHY this is happening to you. Understanding that is helpful. It also cannot be UNDONE. My hope for you is that you accept that every time you drink, the result is going to be similar to what you wrote. So if you decide to have that first drink you are fully accepting all the consequences that will follow. Ready for the madness to stop? The good news is that is completely and totally in your hands when you are sober. While you are sober, you can beat this. There is no beating this after two drinks. Alcohol has already won another round and what it will take from you the next time is not in your control. Good luck friend and keep posting.