Originally Posted by Renvate

Day 13 - finished.

Man of man what a crappy day today was. id love to make this entry a positive one, but the only positive is that i didn't drink.

today i came face to face on a massive reason why i drank. Its a mix of : depression and debilitating social anxiety (when sober)

But today was not just a habit of self-pity, it was pure and simple deep depression for about 6 hours. The type that literally sucks your energy away.

I don't want to say the cliche thing of " ive got depression". I don't, i just have my ups and downs in life like we all do. in fact my downs are rays of sunshine to what some people are going through ( people ive met and things I've read)

so thats why iam not doing this as a "woe is me" entry.

BUT! my depression bouts are the reason why i drink, ( like many of us) and it needs to be addressed on WHY i get these phases. Today it was so strong that i forced myself to go to sleep in the day, and at times i woke up with a jolt of fear and quickly forced myself back to sleep...

it was like i didn't want to be in a conscious state. ( sounds familiar?)

2 weeks ago i would of absolutely obliterated myself to shake that feeling, and it would of worked, but i would never have known how to deal with it sober.

Small flashback - as a young teenage guy i had terrible confidence, look even further i was actually born with 0 confidence, my folks tell me stories. So start at rock bottom, I HATE that about myself that at 27 i should be at my prime but I am still building my dam confidence.

As of two years ago i actually started to speak properly. This SA was that debilitating that at random times i couldn't speak or id mumble a sentence, this started happening somewhere around 22 years.

anyway for the last 12 years its all been liquid confidence. Id feel like a loser, id drink, iam suddenly a winner in my head - rinse repeat etc.

and iam so sick of faking confidence, especially in my relationships.

Today i went to a singles night.....80 guys and girls chatting away testing their game. i would of had the time of my life if i was drinking, i would of forgotten about my break up in 30 mins.

but this time it wasn't that i was not confident - i just was not interested. Ive spent so much energy faking confidence in my last relationship that i just didn't have any reserves in me atm to even bother trying to talk to the woman at this place that were expecting 100% talking game.

i was not interested to talk to anyone.

just goes to show that I am still not ready to date or be with anyone.

and iam in a bit of a corner here.:

I dont want to socialize, but i crave being in a crowd
i got to social events but i dont talk to anyone, iam so distrusting atm.
I need to find some female company just to ease my mind, but i think and feel like my left eye has gotten bigger from all the tension.

And I am so unrelaxed and tight that i give off all the wrong signals not to mention say nothing right.

Ive actually been so unrelaxed for years now.

6 years ago when i went through another relationship breakdown i was out every night guzzling beer and cider and going with the flow for any adventure, lets just say i moved on and achieved by killing lots and lots of brain cells.

I don't have that option now and i don't want that option. Iam doing life and its problems sober now.

So I am not sure what to do. Do i just ride it out and let time do its course and slowly allow my brain to adjust to life? Its like all my nerve endings in my head are all raw atm , and EVERYTHING is hitting them, because there is no alcohol there anymore to numb them.

thanks for reading.

onto Day 14