StellaPolaris

176 days, but feeling like I’m stuck on day 1 this holiday.

I remember my first days of sobriety, not even being able to handle one day at a time. I would lie in bed, counting my breaths to 150, knowing that meant 10 minutes had passed. Then doing that again and again.

The last weeks before Christmas were great, I’ve always enjoyed advent. But bring on the holiday, and I get really down. Last night was particularly bad, and I had this extreme urge to just get away (meaning drink). I’m getting my 6 month chip next week, and I’m not about to throw that away for an evening of even further depressing behaviour though. This too shall pass, right? I've read on here that the 6 month mark can be rough.

Just getting through my Monday, then there’s a meeting tomorrow. I’m dreading another 4 day weekend, but in a week life goes back to normal, thankfully. Right now I just feel like the loneliest person on the planet.

Dee74

I hope your week gets better Stella

D

Berrybean

6 months was incredibly bad for me - due a lot to my procrastination around getting a sponsor and starting my step work. It took me a while to realise this though and I suffered for it. Thankfully I realised what I needed to do, and once working the steps helped me to learn how acceptance and prayer could be used in my everyday life to keep my character defects at bay, and stay, for the most part, undisturbed by 'stuff' and in a place of serenity.

I have heard many old timers say that it's the time AFTER Christmas that was the stumbling block for them. Please, please phone your sponsor and meet up to chat about how you're feeling. (If you don't have a sponsor yet, perhaps now is a good time to get one. ) In the meantime, pray to your HP and ask that he / she / it remove that self-pity from you, and for knowledge of his / her / its will for your and the power to carry it out. Use the serenity prayer often, and get to some meetings asap (even if you have to walk or beg a lift / ride to get there). Commit to staying sober an hour at a time if a day seems to big, and keep posting here. You can get through this.

least

I used to drink over both those things. I felt worthless, due to drinking, and would drink more to 'get away from the feelings'.

Congrats on six months!

Keep on hanging on, it does get better.

Mountainmanbob

You are almost there and 6 months is a great accomplishment for us ones who use to run to the bottle for our fix.

Hang tight and don't play the "poor me" tape.
I go there sometimes myself and it is a dangerous place for us.

Poor me, poor me, poor me another drink.

M-Bob

D122y

Agree...

Hope my rant helps you. It is therepy for me too...

My anxiety is weak these days, but it is there as a reminder of the living hell I endured in early sobriety. When it fully fades I will only have the skills learned here and at my few AA meetings.

Coming up on 8 months and physically I am like a super hero compared to the weak blob I was last year. Mentally, I feel better than I have since I can remember. So confident. No fear of stinking like booze. No fear of looking like a drunk.

But.....

We know that once established our addiction pathways are there forever. We have read stories here...13 years sober...relapse....7 years sober...relapse....

The relapse looms like the cousin of the grim reaper. That is why I have been posting more these days. I know it strengthens me.

I have set some fitness goals that are going to only be achievable if I never drink. I have friends that don't drink. Some say they have a couple of beers, but I have never seen it. I am like them now.

Booze is poison. Proudly sober. Protecting my sobriety. It has been hard earned these last several months.

StellaPolaris

Action is in order. I’ve come to believe (much like I was told here) than in order to quit something, I have to start something else. I think just writing down how I felt helped me see it more clearly.

The serenity prayer is with me, and whenever I feel the need to revert back to my destructive ways I have a chat with my HP. “We’ve got this, right?” Of course we do.

So I reached out to a friend (planned a movie date on Wednesday), my daughter (I’ll be joining her on New Year’s Eve) and made plans with this girl I’m an aid for on Saturday. Also finally sent a form to volunteer at a local coffee shop for homeless people and addicts. Crisis averted.

I was asked when I joined SR what my recovery plan was (thanks, Dee). I have a solid plan in place, I just need to remember to use it. And to ask for help (the hardest part I guess - admitting weakness and reaching out).

Still looking forward to boring weekdays again though. Christmas seems a bit alienating when you don’t have a lot of friends and family, and drinking is a big part of our holiday celebration.

Fun fact: 1000 years ago farmers would be exiled if they didn’t brew beer for Christmas. Viking law and all…

StellaPolaris

In November I got a wonderwoman-tattoo on my wrist. I generally feel more on top of things than I ever have before, no longer behind, always trying to catch up. Even now, I don't really even consider drinking, I just recongnize the thoughts and (lack of) actions that are probably the beginning of a relapse in the not too distant future.

I've listened to a lot of relapse stories, and I know now is the time to do something about my thought patterns, not when I'm cracking open a can of beer.

Hawkeye13

Yes, relapse starts in the head way before you pick up that first drink.

Sounds like you have a great plan and a great attitude.
The "giving back" by helping the homeless is a really positive addition.
Sometimes I think we alcoholics get so lost in our own pain and issues
we forget that connecting with and helping others can be a great gift
to ourselves as well.

Wishing you a Happy New Year Stella--what are the Northern Lights like
where you are?

StellaPolaris

I live too far south, Hawkeye... Apparently we could see them a few weeks ago, but I had my eyes on the tv, not out the window.

We do have Northern Light safaris in the north of Norway, it's on my bucket list.

doggonecarl

I struggled at 6 months. A lot of people do. Something about that milestone. Seems like we have come so far, then boom, it feels like day one.

Then I read about PAWS and it all made sense. You'll get through this!

SunnyDenver

Thank you all for your posts in this thread. I'm in my early days and definitely having the feelings of "poor me" and "I'm lonely". I once read that loneliness is an invitation to respond to the world. My loneliness has been created by my alcoholism- the AV that wants to be isolated and not bothered so it can drink in peace. I love the idea of volunteering - part of my plan is to turn my loneliness and self-centered "Poor me" feelings inside out and get out to help others.

Ruby2

Hi Stella! All those things you're planning sound great. Six months was hard for me too. I turned back to my plan and doubled my postings on here. It would have been too easy to just pick up a drink so I had to be mindful of that. I still have to be mindful. I agree that post Christmas is tough. I made it through without drinking. Let's celebrate! Bad mindset.

I think it's great that you recognized that and came here.

PurpleKnight

Great job on 6 Months Stella!!

You're definitely not alone, SR is in your corner!!

edgeofthemtn

Hi Stella,
Hang in there! Self Pity sent me into a spiral the last time around. I had 42 days. I'm on Day 3 now. I agree that relapse starts awhile before the first drink. I think i was on my 40th of 40 straight meetings and i got to the meeting shortly before it ended and counted that as my meeting. I really didn't get what i needed.
Garrison

Soberwolf

Congrats on 6 months Stella

SunnyDenver

There's lots of talk about people's plans on here. As a newbie, can anyone suggest resources or examples of recovery plans? I definitely feel like I need some structure to hold myself accountable. Thanks all.

doggonecarl

Our moderator, Dee, is always posting these:

Anna

Stella, you're doing great! 6 months sober is fantastic. Taking action and journaling was a great help to me.