Lightning Bug

So, I have a question because I am confused. I am a benzo recovering addict. Are you learning from this method in anticipation of moving to a next step (like abstinence) or are you using this therapist to control your intake for you? Benzos are not a long-term solution for anxiety, are you searching for alternatives?. I am concerned that this treatment is keeping you in active addiction by providing the meds in a controlled manner. Also, when he gave you another one because you "wanted one" is concerning. Your dose should be the same or going down, not going up because you wanted it. I read this whole thread in the middle of the night the other day. Maybe I just missed it when you said what your intentions are with this drug. Is it your intention to get off of it or just maintain use in a controlled manner?

Maybe I missed something. As I said I read it in the middle of the night.

wpainterw

All I know is that I cannot drink alcohol in a "controlled" manner. I tried doing that from 1975 to 1988, Had several relapses and finally a 28 day rehab. Haven't had a drink since and don't need it, don't crave it, don't really think about it, If I'm feeling anxious I go to my doctor and he gives me something temporarily. Also gives me an antidepressant on a long term basis. It's not addictive. After all those years my physiology and neurology must have changed so that alcohol is a distant memory. Nonetheless I'm careful not to let the AV out of its cage. It's in there and will always be in there. Like many (maybe like all) folks I was born with it and I'll die with it. Comes with the territory. Self medication hasn't worked. Won't ever work.

W.

wpainterw

P.S. I guess Aristotle must not have been an alcoholic. Not if he suggested "moderation in all things". Although this has been a long standing debate, many alcoholics, like me, have learned that, at least for them, there can be no "moderation". It's all or nothing and "all" will kill you. In the long term, although at first it may seem hard to "give up", what you get is priceless beyond belief, freedom from slavery to a chemical, sobriety, your real self.

W.

Aiko

Dear earthsteps,

no you misunderstood, he gave me an empty capsule to shut me up
and the said you happy it was emptyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..........
So fighting all the way to the centre...
and drag me out of the car!

Twice he had to drag me out of the car so far....
And am reducing again tomorrow
From 15+10 I go down to 10+10
am going to go nuts again!!!
I just get very aggressive and am frightened to even think 0+0
Just can not comprehend how I am going to live without anything???????????
All my life on something....
He keeps on saying I do want to but I just to do not see it.............

And last night I went out and had to leave as I could not cope with everybody drinking and one was getting really drunk next to me so I left money and fled.
Nearly did something but I got back home.

And this morning he drag at 9:00 to run on the rain 10 km.
it was horrible but at the end anxiety went down.

God got to go!!!!!!!!

SoberLeigh

Beautifully articulated, Bill.

SoberLeigh

Sending love, Aiko.

Stay the course.

Dharma33

((((Aiko))))

I'm so glad to hear your progress!

And, your dog is soooo cute! My dog has been my best friend in sobriety. Take care.

thomas11

I'm glad you are making progress Aiko. If you were fighting with me I would take you to the sea and make you do sports! haha. I will look for you on youtube.

trachemys

Can't you see that this shows that you do want to be sober? You are doing this, Aiko. Keep on.

SoberLeigh

How's it going, Aiko?

Thinking of you.

Aiko

I said I quit my job...
Have had enough buling of a Viking that thinks is going to take the money to his other life!!!

Told them to look for another I am leaving...
That was monday Normandia Totaly Row!!!

And afther over did pills, I stole one.of.one office etc... so told off........

A lot of insecurity right now but is for better,
And still in Alcatrath after work

But I get really agresive mid day until I get to the center I do not get a Barby pill (small and pink and does not make me high )

So still here as usual...

Big hug,
Aiko
XO

entropy1964

And afther over did pills, I stole one.of.one office etc... so told off........

Hi Aiko
I'm sorry things aren't going well. Maybe quitting the job will be the best thing for you.

The above statement. Um, you stole a pill from the office? You overdid what pills?

So I admit, I am completely lost with respect to your recovery model. Its not really my business but it is out here on the internet so I guess its ok to weigh in.

This drive by dr. that is working with you from his car, with his stash of pills (both fake and real apparently)....is this really this best form of 'rehab'? Are there any other options, inpatient for example? Now that you don't have a job? Now don't say "But I have a dog now". Ugh. There are options with respect to pets. The Dog could have waited a year or so for you to get sober but too late for that.

I guess I just don't get this approach and am genuinely wondering if this is ultimately dangerous for you.

I mean this with kindness Aiko but I feel I have to say "WHAT?".

SoberLeigh

Aiko, I feel that quitting you job was a good thing. You now have the time to fully focus on your recovery without the overwhelming and negative stress of your job.

You now have the time to enroll in an inpatient rehab facility; seize the moment my dear friend. Go for it!!!!

I am with you all the way.

wpainterw

Aiko. You were right to quit your job. That was a step in the right direction as I have said all along. But you added that "And after over did pills, I stole one.of.one office etc... so told off.......". This concerns me because it indicates that you are still ready to go behind your doctor's back despite your agreement with him, to get pills." This is most unfortunate and casts doubt on whether you really have a plan for recovery and are committed to it. If you do not have a plan and are not committed you could well lose your personal freedom for a much longer time than a rehab would take. Think about this, Aiko. The choice is yours. Entirely yours. With every good wish that you do what's best for yourself. Your true self.

Bill

trachemys

Aiko! You quit the terrible job? Yay!

Take some deep breaths and decide what you want your life to be from now on.

We'll support you in any decision. Except going back to drugs.

wpainterw

"Going back"? I don't understand the use of the term "back". I had thought that the objective here was to "taper off" benzos and then follow a doctor's prescriptions for medications which are not addictive. If anyone tells me that it is possible to use Benzos, Alcohol or any other addictive substance "in moderation" I flatly disagree. Well maybe all I'm entitled to say is that i learned I could not do that. Now, after 27 plus years of not drinking, can I drink "moderately". Yes, I "can". But will I? It's like asking me "Will I like another ticket to hell?" "Will I play Russian Roulette with the happiness I have had since I gave up alcohol entirely?" You just can't game the system. It beats you every time.
I'm saddened now by personal matters having nothing to do with my drinking. If I drank I would be dead trying to cope.

Bill.

trachemys

Sorry for your sadness Bill.

Go Aiko!

wpainterw

I can cope with sadness. One way I cope is taking a breather. Sometimes what goes on or what doesn't go on gets a little too heavy. So I'll take a breather and not post for awhile. Eventually I intend to be back. Every good wish.

Bill.

thomas11

Hi Bill, if I understand correctly, Aiko is not completely tapered off, so there is no "going back" at this point because she is still using albeit, much less. Is that how you understand it? I think her job was driving her crazy as well. I hope she is able to break the chains of addiction. I, for one, believe there is a tipping point at which one could go either way and we can only hope they reach for the freedom of sobriety.

Thinking about you Bill, hope things get better in your personal life.

Aiko

Dear friends,
I do not know how to explain it.....

I do not just have Addictions problems!
I suffered such a depression, my head would not shut up...
and I started to loose it and visualize things............................................
very heavy stuff...
been in the verge to loosing it!!!!
I need to be medicated or I hurt myself... physically!!!
The head starts telling you to hurt yourself you can not cope non-stop!!!
I take morning medication as well.

Is not just stop drugs....

I can not just get looked up and go with a withdraw simply...
I am tapering off, I am making a great effort.
I do not see my friends.............
I have to leave work and go straight to the centre or get collected,
nothing on me!!!
and I can just pop out like anybody and am not doing anything!!!
For about three weeks my head is awake!!!!

But the Normandy Landing Row was too much for me...
He had to come in the morning to my work to collect me as I was crazy...
So at the end I he had to give me a tiny LZ
I promised my doc I would not still from him---
Loop hole!!!!
He did not say next door doc....
(today I apologized to the doc I stole from!!!)

Mine doc is still upset about it... and is very careful with me... He started knowing me... So the safe keys are with him all the time...

Bill you were right all along I could not cope with so much pressure in my state... but I am just stubborn!!! And I do not give up die to the end!!!
But that Viking is NOT Worth to fight for.................... f()=/)/=(=(=(=?¿¿¿¿

Am struggling with my new situation, I hide from my family I am going unemployed....
I still have to work am awaiting they find someone to take my chair!!!
I could get a sick leave and really F&/(&(&(& them... but I am not that type.
I am fully Stupid!!!!!

My doc is very worried I can not go from Extreme Working to doing Nothing!!!
And I need to find a job or I can not be alone too long.

So it it happens in between
he is saying he is going to drag me out of my house all day with his tours to centres and clients so I do not go out of my path.........
So I started calling him Alcatraz!!!

Soon he is going to start charging me for insult, punch, agresion and fights,...
the other day I left my umbrella fully opened on his chair to dry
He said what the (=(=)=(=(=
Revenge you cut me down.....................

And the receptionist is not scared of me any more...
she knows I arrive crazy and later I start calming down...

Before my handbag was a quemist... take these, that,... taking times.........
and I was supposed to follow instructions.......... me???
then the shrink bad girl!!!!
Do not mix and match please!!!!
Of course I was getting worse... home alone!!!

But the thing I am not alone.............
We argue and today he hit me were it hurts...
To me I am normal... Outside""""
but he said do you really think you are a STABLE PERSON??????
I never thought how people see me outside...
I never thought am unstable,... and really my behaviour is not normal when I started thinking about it!!!

I wear a mask but The colours are shining through!!!!
I got from stoned to hiperactive...........
and people see that!!!

So to me so far is working, I am slowing down, I am awake not dosed at all.
But one really bad day... God am allowed!!!

Bill:
I write to you soon got to go to bed!!!
Hope you feel better!
Big hug and all my Love,
Aiko