trachemys

Aiko, I'm glad you quit the job. You sound better already. You can get another job. You can make a better life of the one you have. I feel you are doing that. Keep on.

wpainterw

Aiko: Despite your condition you still have enough sense to realize what is going on. You say you don't "just have addiction" and that you also have depression. You say, "I suffered such a depression, my head would not shut up...
and I started to loose it and visualize things............................................
very heavy stuff...
been in the verge to loosing it!!!!
I need to be medicated or I hurt myself... physically!!!
The head starts telling you to hurt yourself you can not cope non-stop!!!
I take morning medication as well."

People who know more about these things than I do have written on the internet that it is not uncommon for addicted persons also to have a dual diagnosis. Some addicted persons are also bi-polar, some clinically depressed, some obsessed with a compulsion to hurt themselves. Here in the U.S. you would almost certainly have careful and sophisticated medical care. You would be in a rehab for a period of a few weeks and then move to a halfway house with aftercare and group therapy. And you would have a good chance of getting well, being happy and ending your slavery to substances and the other ailments which plague you. Can't you give medicine a chance at this? You may have noticed that another person ("Mera") made the decision to enter a rehab in Italy (a decision which was not an easy one for her) and it ended up with her receiving very caring and supportive treatment and she was so very glad she went there. She is back home now. She has had some problems with pneumonia but she appears to be well on the road to recovery.
Aiko. Please give medicine a chance. Give yourself a chance! Get real freedom. You are not free now. You are dependent on pills and suffering from other things: depression, what you describe as "very heavy stuff- on the verge of losing it."
Give yourself a chance. Give medicine a chance and get real freedom, not the "freedom" which comes from taking one pill after another.

Bill

Susurration

You are not disappointing anyone, Aiko just please get yourself somewhere safe.

wpainterw

Aiko: P.S. You say that you must stay at your job until they can "find a replacement". From what you have already told us this could take a long time and this gives them power over you, to keep you working there. You have said that you must have freedom. Are you "free", Aiko? You are a slave to your "pills" and a slave to your employer. You are less "free" now than you would be for a few weeks in a rehab, a place which might really set you free.

Dee74

I'm hoping you can find something that gives you purpose and is good for you Aiko

Bill I'm sorry for whatever is bringing you down. Best wishes my friend

D

Aiko

Seriously....
Am having a really tough time...

.. Am really burned out!!!


I politely ask......
I am NOT going to REHAB.
I do not live in a cotton nest!!!
If I want to I can ask fo a favour!!!
But it is,not the solution!
Not now for sure!!!!

My family do not knot!
Even if they new... what for!!!
Kill my mum... they can not help me economicaly my dad is an alcoholic......
I live on my own and have to maintain myself...


Please am fighting!!!!!!
Glad others have more options!
Glad they do well! By heart!

But each person is a different world!
I have not lost my marbels yet!
I know what am doing!!!
Is no use for me to hide and come out later...
I have to learn to live in a real world awake!!!

I take decisions... like quitting my job or my health!!! Am on 55kg... bullied...

And am fighting...
Please only ask for you now...
Positive asertiveness...
Not: you are not going to make it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Between linesss..

I will take the steps I have to
when I get to the correct path...

Life is not straight... and you have to take it by the horns.. they say here!!!

Got to go!!!
Have a great day
XO

Soberwolf

Do your best & keep trying Aiko x

trachemys

Aiko

You have this
You can make this work
You are stronger than anything in your path.

wpainterw

I'm not stronger than anything in my path.

trachemys

Hey Bill, let's talk about that in your thread.

wpainterw

Thanks. An excellent suggestion! Every good wish!

Bill.

trachemys

You go Aiko!

Aiko

Bill you are so much than you think!!!
You are just under the water!
Temporarily all changes nothing stays the sane!!!

I know you are scared and suffering!!!!
Will get to you asap!

Really is temporal... get to you ver y very shortly.

All my strength,
Aiko

wpainterw

Hi Aiko:
Actually the house in Washington, D.C. is under water. I'm not under water. The house is ! Water leaking into the basement. They say it's going to cost me around $15,000 to fix that before I can sell the house. I've already paid $24,000 for fix up in other respects. The money would otherwise have been available for educating our grandchildren. But anyway I am feeling more serene now, living, as you suggest, in the "Now". Actually living in the "Now" with the "Tao". Lao Tzu tells us that everything is illusion (the "ten thousand things") and only the Tao is real but no one knows or can know what it really is. Also there is a suggestion that even the "self" is an illusion so there is no one to know what cannot be known! Very mysterious! Very oriental! Ah sooooooo!

Bill

Aiko

All will fall in place... my friend
Tao surely new it.

These is a big wave... of water literaly!!!
But you will ride it...

Big hug,
Aiko

wpainterw

I must say I am intrigued at the Tao suggestion that there is "no one there to know what cannot be known" . A sort of metaphysical "Catch 22", an endless loop of inscrutability. I understand that a more modern philosopher, Heidegger, suggested that "if there is nothing there" is that "nothing" still "something" in the sense that there must be a reason for the "nothing". What made it? Why is there "nothing" there? See Madam Flora's drunken soliloquy in Menotti's "The Medium" ("But if there is nothing there, why am I so afraid of that nothingness?")
If this posting is "off thread" you may remove it and put it out of its misery. Perhaps you should do the same for whoever who posted it.

W.

thomas11

How are you doing Aiko? Behaving yourself?

SoberLeigh

Thinking of you, Aiko.

Aiko

Day time bullied:

I asked to be made redundant....
And now He is trying to put me down...
and push me so I leave without my pay leave or unemployment pay right...
After all I have done for the Lawfirm and the hours and bank holidays, nights I work free, all I have gone through........................... No way!!!

I should have taped the conversation I had today I could have sued him...
You can not imagine how he talks to me!!!
Next time he starts attacking me I am taping it...

I Could have a sick leave an really %%%%
them non-working for months and get paid...
But I just want them to let me go!!!!!

Fingers crossed the y find some idiot that wants to take my chair..
I made two boxes with my stuff ALREADYYYYYYYYYYY

PART TWO OF THE DAY..............
The doc collected me on the dot!!!
He knew I was going %%%%%%%%%%%%%%...

So I had a fight in the car way to the centre,
so he had to stop in a neighbourhood.........
He put just the one barby girl pill in the draw.
He knew I was going for it!!!

But I know that under the mats on the floors are compartments....
I can smell them from a mile..
We really hurt each other fighting in the car!!!
God he really struggle to hold me down...
and he ended crashing all the pills on the road.
And grabs me to calm down...

The neighbours phoning the police... thinking I was attacked by a man...
As usual madness...

PART THREE
Drag me to the beach...
come on get in the seaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Or you get in or I drag you in....................
was so colddddddddddddddd
Is the third time he forces me to go in the sea.....................................
And I do not like it....
but it %%% works....
I do calm down!!!

So One day in Centre one day out...
2 Pills so small I do feel them
and I do not have them at the same time.............

One day sport
Drags me to run and I grab to street lights posts... and he pulls me off and pushes me for kms......

Another I get on the Photon machine from hell at roughly 45 degrees.... about
30min... like roasted chicken!!!

And If I am ok I will start going to paint class two days.
Always when I am going to have parole time!!!!
God I think Its been three weeks or more now!!!

But At least some one is controlling me...
And I am not easy!!!

He said I am devaluating his car since I am his patient!!!
And he wants to sell it....

So madness as usual!
But he is convinced in will make it...
I just can not see it right now!!!

I hope you are all ok,
everybody with his own crazy life!!

Night Night,...
am dead tiredddddddddddd

Aiko,
XO

Soberwolf

Aiko what are these pills what exactly are you tapering from

Aiko you will love sobriety & I know your trying I really do know that I remember thinking it's never going to happen for me neither but it did & then some

Your a really lovely person I think being friends with you is great I do keep thinking how much you will love sobriety ....keep trying never give up (fall 7 times stand up 8) & know il never give up on you

You can do this x