Request for good thoughts and prayers
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Thanks again, everyone, for all the well wishes, prayers, heartfelt shares, PMs... all the compassion and love you deer friends have been expressing to me. It means a lot and helps a lot to get so much support from this wonderful community once again.
My father's condition is still very uncertain; but he is alive and the doctors say he is not in acute crisis anymore. They have been doing tests and there will be be more coming up this week to determine his exact status and prognosis. In the meantime, I am looking into possibilities for extended care, but the type of this will depend on the state he stabilizes in.
I am okay but very exhausted at the moment, pretty much just operating on a level that I can take care of practical things necessary around my dad and I also have a large load of work with deadlines that needs to be done this week and that I cannot postpone since this incident was not calculated in the plans and I cannot afford to not deal with work yet again referring to my father's condition. It would be so nice to have someone else help or at least show some interest in my father, and I tried to contact a relative I have not seen since my mom's funeral, but she just said she is busy.
I think I'll try to limit my activities and participation in things that really need my immediate attention in the upcoming days or perhaps weeks and get some rest when I can, otherwise this can easily take some bad turn for me as I am feeling very fragile.
Thanks again to every one of you who thought about us; I will update when I have more news and some more space and time to breath.
Love to you all
My father's condition is still very uncertain; but he is alive and the doctors say he is not in acute crisis anymore. They have been doing tests and there will be be more coming up this week to determine his exact status and prognosis. In the meantime, I am looking into possibilities for extended care, but the type of this will depend on the state he stabilizes in.
I am okay but very exhausted at the moment, pretty much just operating on a level that I can take care of practical things necessary around my dad and I also have a large load of work with deadlines that needs to be done this week and that I cannot postpone since this incident was not calculated in the plans and I cannot afford to not deal with work yet again referring to my father's condition. It would be so nice to have someone else help or at least show some interest in my father, and I tried to contact a relative I have not seen since my mom's funeral, but she just said she is busy.
I think I'll try to limit my activities and participation in things that really need my immediate attention in the upcoming days or perhaps weeks and get some rest when I can, otherwise this can easily take some bad turn for me as I am feeling very fragile.
Thanks again to every one of you who thought about us; I will update when I have more news and some more space and time to breath.
Love to you all
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Oh, my. So much on your plate, dear Haennie.
I hope there is some time for rest, too. I'm guessing that, at this writing, it's somewhere between the wee hours and dawn where you. Hopefully, some good sleep has taken place.
It sounds like you're very mindful of your need for self-care. We'll remind you of it, too.
Massive hugs, friend.
I hope there is some time for rest, too. I'm guessing that, at this writing, it's somewhere between the wee hours and dawn where you. Hopefully, some good sleep has taken place.
It sounds like you're very mindful of your need for self-care. We'll remind you of it, too.
Massive hugs, friend.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,328
Piping in late here, but want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your father. Great idea to strip things down to the necessaries. And do pat yourself on the back for handling all this sober. What a blessing that you can be fully there for your dad and for yourself
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Just because you friends want to know... I think this is better than my words could be right now.
But I am okay, and will be. Sober... Can't imagine it... that I got sober... coming up to 1.5 year soon. There is no way I could have handled this but,
Sober
But I am okay, and will be. Sober... Can't imagine it... that I got sober... coming up to 1.5 year soon. There is no way I could have handled this but,
Sober
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Haennie..... I'm only just seeing this.
Sending you love, light, comfort and strength.
May you find peace and connection in this time you have with your father. May you stay sober and clear and present. May you feel your emotions and experience this difficult time with depth and purity for the human experience it is.
Hugs flying through the cosmos in your direction
Sending you love, light, comfort and strength.
May you find peace and connection in this time you have with your father. May you stay sober and clear and present. May you feel your emotions and experience this difficult time with depth and purity for the human experience it is.
Hugs flying through the cosmos in your direction
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Still uncertain about my father...
I had one of the most meaningful (Skype) sessions with my therapist yesterday. I know it's not easy for him either as he really cares about me and we have a lot of in-depth to work on... which is far from my own issues only. Speaking of psychoanalysis, and for anyone considering it. I personally would not want any other form of therapy now. And I see it very clearly now why many of my mental health professional friends told me over the years, to go and do this analysis, for me and also for the (apparently lucky) analyst I do it with. It's also not y expensive at all -- my insurance in the US covers it. We also don't do it in textbook ways at all... for example, most of the time now it's 1x per week. More when I need. I think modern psychoanalysis can be quite relaxed.
So my father is alive. I have all those MRI and other test results, but I won't bore you with them. The bottom line is that he will most likely come out of this as a 84 yo man in a wheel chair but still able to control all bodily functions, speak also, so right now it seems like a healthy 84 yo in a wheel chair
I had one of the most meaningful (Skype) sessions with my therapist yesterday. I know it's not easy for him either as he really cares about me and we have a lot of in-depth to work on... which is far from my own issues only. Speaking of psychoanalysis, and for anyone considering it. I personally would not want any other form of therapy now. And I see it very clearly now why many of my mental health professional friends told me over the years, to go and do this analysis, for me and also for the (apparently lucky) analyst I do it with. It's also not y expensive at all -- my insurance in the US covers it. We also don't do it in textbook ways at all... for example, most of the time now it's 1x per week. More when I need. I think modern psychoanalysis can be quite relaxed.
So my father is alive. I have all those MRI and other test results, but I won't bore you with them. The bottom line is that he will most likely come out of this as a 84 yo man in a wheel chair but still able to control all bodily functions, speak also, so right now it seems like a healthy 84 yo in a wheel chair
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He is not very enthusiastic about being being alive and the prospect of being released from the hospital though. Today we went for a "walk"... The nurse, my dad in a chair, and myself, in the hospital's garden. The nurse showed me how to operate the wheel chair, then left us alone for a while outside. It was a beautiful day and many other patients were also there out. I did not want us to go and talk with others today yet because my dad was very unwell and unable to speak even two days ago, but I was thinking that I know him, he is very social and likes people, so maybe tomorrow and later... Then I asked him about it, whether he would like to meet others in the hospital. What he responded wasn't to that, but something along the lines of "can you get them to give me something"? I had no idea what he meant for a second, but then he added "to die".
I was totally dumbstruck, which made it even worse as I usually am not unable to discuss matters about (his) death at all, we have been doing it for a couple years now. But how do you answer a question like that to your 84 yo father, on the spot?? I wanted to ask the nurse later, but I don't actually like her much, she is very materialistic (literally asked me to give her money to take my dad out for a walk tomorrow and later in the week) and does not seem very interested in deep personal issues at all. I will talk to the social worker that we saw a few weeks ago tomorrow.
As for practical arrangement, it's most likely that my dad will need to live in a home for the elderly or a hospice when he gets out of the hospital. He won't like that idea at all, that much I am certain about.
I was totally dumbstruck, which made it even worse as I usually am not unable to discuss matters about (his) death at all, we have been doing it for a couple years now. But how do you answer a question like that to your 84 yo father, on the spot?? I wanted to ask the nurse later, but I don't actually like her much, she is very materialistic (literally asked me to give her money to take my dad out for a walk tomorrow and later in the week) and does not seem very interested in deep personal issues at all. I will talk to the social worker that we saw a few weeks ago tomorrow.
As for practical arrangement, it's most likely that my dad will need to live in a home for the elderly or a hospice when he gets out of the hospital. He won't like that idea at all, that much I am certain about.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
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I went thru that with my mom when she was in the hospital. She would ask nurses and doctors to let her die. And occasionally she would ask me to "let her go". I reacted by not answering her directly, but giving her a hug and telling her how much I loved her. It seemed to settle her. I would just hold her hand and not talk. It is very disconcerting to hear things like that from your own parent. But, try to understand the context. I was sure there were days my mother really wanted to pass, but then other days when she was happy to see another day. It is stressful. Hang in there Haennie. (((HUGS)))
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Haennie, I'm glad that your father is alive and stable, but I'm sorry for his reaction. It must have been so hard to hear that he does not want to live. It's so hard to deal with elderly parents, especially when it's all on you. I hope you manage to get some rest, between work and looking out for your dad, and I'm so glad that you're sober.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by haennie 
I was totally dumbstruck, which made it even worse as I usually am not unable to discuss matters about (his) death at all, we have been doing it for a couple years now. But how do you answer a question like that to your 84 yo father, on the spot??
As for practical arrangement, it's most likely that my dad will need to live in a home for the elderly or a hospice when he gets out of the hospital. He won't like that idea at all, that much I am certain about.
As for practical arrangement, it's most likely that my dad will need to live in a home for the elderly or a hospice when he gets out of the hospital. He won't like that idea at all, that much I am certain about.
I don't have a better answer for myself. And of course, sooner or later I too will face certain circumstances which will bring the quality of life issue front and center as to do I have the right to end my life? Do I not? As of today, I really don't know.
You're a wonderfully loving daughter to your dad. This alone is such an wonderful strength and offers real stability of which I'm sure he is very much aware and grateful for you being there for him. You know, sometimes just in the action taken in the asking of whatever has more value than does any actual answer...
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Thanks again, everyone. I did just that that today instinctively, AF and Robby...did not answer, just held his hand and rested my head on his shoulder for a while. We were in the hospital garden, me sitting on a bench and him next to me in his chair when he asked this.
Yes I think I understand the context and the big picture for all this quite well. I also understand being suicidal in a non-impulsive way... have been there myself enough times, although of course not in his situation. I don't freak about it at all. I guess I'm just learning to adjust to this new situation now, and he does, too. It seems like his cognitive abilities were not affected too much by the stroke more than old age already, it's more the motor functions... his brain scans confirm this.
Dear Robby...
Of course the whole assisted death issue has been on my mind again a lot in the past few days. I was actually very interested in it and researched the hell out of it in the past, for myself. The thoughts driving it were not really that I wanted to die in the moment, more how I envisioned my older times or times when I would possibly be very sick and restricted. I think my dad and I are similar in this, we suffer greatly at even the prospect of losing the self-actualizing life we are naturally used to. This is why he already suffered a great deal during the past ~2 years when his health and associated possibilities started to decline, we discussed this a million times. So yes I totally get anyone's contemplating these things.
I also now have to think practically about how to move forward when he is released from the hospital. There are a few options... if he keeps insisting on living at home, the only possibility I can see is to either have a live-in nurse, or myself staying with him. Of course he would want the second option... but that would be extremely complicated for me. While I can work from home (or from anywhere) a lot of the time, this would not be possible all the time in the longer run, like months or maybe years. My colleagues are already a little frustrated that I can't be around this week, for example... they never tell me this, but I was supposed to train a few people for a procedure I only know how to do in the current team this week, we had everything set up... and now all I could do was to video conference with them. I am very independent in my work and with the team in terms of how we do things, and I only have ~monthly and annual reporting responsibilities to higher authorities, but in order to get things going, I do need to be physically involved at times and also attend meetings. No way I could do my job as it is right now staying here long term.
There is also the personal aspect... I just don't like being here. There was a reason why I went abroad after graduating from college. There have been a lot of changes here politically and in every way since, which I follow and appreciate when I can, but it's just not the environment I'm used to living and thriving in anymore. Surely I could adjust just like I have adjusted to many other environments and challenges before, but I just know that it would most likely go through some heavy grief and depression regarding my life and everything that I now have in the US... all of my current 3D friends are also there, either there or in the UK. For sure I could most likely very easily get a job here (in fact, I get offers every now and then, to "come home") given all my qualifications and experiences but, again, it would be a very hard and long process for me to detach from everything I have right now and start anew, or very differently here. I realized today thinking about all these things, once again, how strongly I am attached to my life that has the seed in NY. The fear of possibly losing it was part of the reason and strong motivation why I got sober... not sure what would happen if I let it go. I was also thinking many times about what and to what extent these feelings reveal about my apparent "fear of commitment" that I struggled with when younger... Does not seem to be that I need to be afraid of not being able to commit, anymore.
Anyhow, I know that these thoughts right now are heavily fueled by anxiety and may not be realistic is some ways, but it feels good to just express them.
As for sobriety... I am just as committed to that as well as ever in the last few months. I am actually observing myself a lot regarding this now... somehow I really have almost zero motivation or urges to drink. Same for smoking -- I was a smoker for ~20 years, and heaviest while living here. Just met an old friend from college yesterday who still smokes and offered me cigarettes, and no desire at all. What I did have a few times were urges to binge on food, which I have not had for about 15 years (I was anorexic and bulimic in the past), I believe it was most likely cued by the environment and staying alone in my old family house, where most of that happened in the old days. But nothing too challenging, and it's very easy for me to turn down those urges now with "playing the tape through"
So in the context of my own recovery from addictions, I feel happy and relieved. Not complacent, but it feels good that I somehow have no desire to escape from anything now, or to alter my reality. I guess I worked for this a lot over years, especially during my recent near 1.5 year of sobriety, and I truly feel now how it pays off. Once again, I recommend long term recovery to everyone, it's the best investment in life I've ever made.
I want to say special thanks for all this to SR today
Yes I think I understand the context and the big picture for all this quite well. I also understand being suicidal in a non-impulsive way... have been there myself enough times, although of course not in his situation. I don't freak about it at all. I guess I'm just learning to adjust to this new situation now, and he does, too. It seems like his cognitive abilities were not affected too much by the stroke more than old age already, it's more the motor functions... his brain scans confirm this.
Dear Robby...
Of course the whole assisted death issue has been on my mind again a lot in the past few days. I was actually very interested in it and researched the hell out of it in the past, for myself. The thoughts driving it were not really that I wanted to die in the moment, more how I envisioned my older times or times when I would possibly be very sick and restricted. I think my dad and I are similar in this, we suffer greatly at even the prospect of losing the self-actualizing life we are naturally used to. This is why he already suffered a great deal during the past ~2 years when his health and associated possibilities started to decline, we discussed this a million times. So yes I totally get anyone's contemplating these things.
I also now have to think practically about how to move forward when he is released from the hospital. There are a few options... if he keeps insisting on living at home, the only possibility I can see is to either have a live-in nurse, or myself staying with him. Of course he would want the second option... but that would be extremely complicated for me. While I can work from home (or from anywhere) a lot of the time, this would not be possible all the time in the longer run, like months or maybe years. My colleagues are already a little frustrated that I can't be around this week, for example... they never tell me this, but I was supposed to train a few people for a procedure I only know how to do in the current team this week, we had everything set up... and now all I could do was to video conference with them. I am very independent in my work and with the team in terms of how we do things, and I only have ~monthly and annual reporting responsibilities to higher authorities, but in order to get things going, I do need to be physically involved at times and also attend meetings. No way I could do my job as it is right now staying here long term.
There is also the personal aspect... I just don't like being here. There was a reason why I went abroad after graduating from college. There have been a lot of changes here politically and in every way since, which I follow and appreciate when I can, but it's just not the environment I'm used to living and thriving in anymore. Surely I could adjust just like I have adjusted to many other environments and challenges before, but I just know that it would most likely go through some heavy grief and depression regarding my life and everything that I now have in the US... all of my current 3D friends are also there, either there or in the UK. For sure I could most likely very easily get a job here (in fact, I get offers every now and then, to "come home") given all my qualifications and experiences but, again, it would be a very hard and long process for me to detach from everything I have right now and start anew, or very differently here. I realized today thinking about all these things, once again, how strongly I am attached to my life that has the seed in NY. The fear of possibly losing it was part of the reason and strong motivation why I got sober... not sure what would happen if I let it go. I was also thinking many times about what and to what extent these feelings reveal about my apparent "fear of commitment" that I struggled with when younger... Does not seem to be that I need to be afraid of not being able to commit, anymore.
Anyhow, I know that these thoughts right now are heavily fueled by anxiety and may not be realistic is some ways, but it feels good to just express them.
As for sobriety... I am just as committed to that as well as ever in the last few months. I am actually observing myself a lot regarding this now... somehow I really have almost zero motivation or urges to drink. Same for smoking -- I was a smoker for ~20 years, and heaviest while living here. Just met an old friend from college yesterday who still smokes and offered me cigarettes, and no desire at all. What I did have a few times were urges to binge on food, which I have not had for about 15 years (I was anorexic and bulimic in the past), I believe it was most likely cued by the environment and staying alone in my old family house, where most of that happened in the old days. But nothing too challenging, and it's very easy for me to turn down those urges now with "playing the tape through"
So in the context of my own recovery from addictions, I feel happy and relieved. Not complacent, but it feels good that I somehow have no desire to escape from anything now, or to alter my reality. I guess I worked for this a lot over years, especially during my recent near 1.5 year of sobriety, and I truly feel now how it pays off. Once again, I recommend long term recovery to everyone, it's the best investment in life I've ever made.
I want to say special thanks for all this to SR today
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by haennie
I also now have to think practically about how to move forward when he is released from the hospital. There are a few options... if he keeps insisting on living at home, the only possibility I can see is to either have a live-in nurse, or myself staying with him. Of course he would want the second option... but that would be extremely complicated for me. ...
... There is also the personal aspect... I just don't like being here. There was a reason why I went abroad after graduating from college. There have been a lot of changes here politically and in every way since, which I follow and appreciate when I can, but it's just not the environment I'm used to living and thriving in anymore. ...
.... I realized today thinking about all these things, once again, how strongly I am attached to my life that has the seed in NY. The fear of possibly losing it was part of the reason and strong motivation why I got sober... not sure what would happen if I let it go. I was also thinking many times about what and to what extent these feelings reveal about my apparent "fear of commitment" that I struggled with when younger... Does not seem to be that I need to be afraid of not being able to commit, anymore....
...Anyhow, I know that these thoughts right now are heavily fueled by anxiety and may not be realistic is some ways, but it feels good to just express them....
... There is also the personal aspect... I just don't like being here. There was a reason why I went abroad after graduating from college. There have been a lot of changes here politically and in every way since, which I follow and appreciate when I can, but it's just not the environment I'm used to living and thriving in anymore. ...
.... I realized today thinking about all these things, once again, how strongly I am attached to my life that has the seed in NY. The fear of possibly losing it was part of the reason and strong motivation why I got sober... not sure what would happen if I let it go. I was also thinking many times about what and to what extent these feelings reveal about my apparent "fear of commitment" that I struggled with when younger... Does not seem to be that I need to be afraid of not being able to commit, anymore....
...Anyhow, I know that these thoughts right now are heavily fueled by anxiety and may not be realistic is some ways, but it feels good to just express them....
I would not normally speak this direct to just anybody. I'm more than confident you have real ability to resolve the circumstantial challenges which are as of now anyways very demanding on both you and your dad. Thanks for being so honest with us with respect to your angst, my friend haennie
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