Thanks again, everyone. I did just that that today instinctively, AF and Robby...did not answer, just held his hand and rested my head on his shoulder for a while. We were in the hospital garden, me sitting on a bench and him next to me in his chair when he asked this.
Yes I think I understand the context and the big picture for all this quite well. I also understand being suicidal in a non-impulsive way... have been there myself enough times, although of course not in his situation. I don't freak about it at all. I guess I'm just learning to adjust to this new situation now, and he does, too. It seems like his cognitive abilities were not affected too much by the stroke more than old age already, it's more the motor functions... his brain scans confirm this.
Dear Robby...
Of course the whole assisted death issue has been on my mind again a lot in the past few days. I was actually very interested in it and researched the hell out of it in the past, for myself. The thoughts driving it were not really that I wanted to die in the moment, more how I envisioned my older times or times when I would possibly be very sick and restricted. I think my dad and I are similar in this, we suffer greatly at even the prospect of losing the self-actualizing life we are naturally used to. This is why he already suffered a great deal during the past ~2 years when his health and associated possibilities started to decline, we discussed this a million times. So yes I totally get anyone's contemplating these things.
I also now have to think practically about how to move forward when he is released from the hospital. There are a few options... if he keeps insisting on living at home, the only possibility I can see is to either have a live-in nurse, or myself staying with him. Of course he would want the second option... but that would be extremely complicated for me. While I can work from home (or from anywhere) a lot of the time, this would not be possible all the time in the longer run, like months or maybe years. My colleagues are already a little frustrated that I can't be around this week, for example... they never tell me this, but I was supposed to train a few people for a procedure I only know how to do in the current team this week, we had everything set up... and now all I could do was to video conference with them. I am very independent in my work and with the team in terms of how we do things, and I only have ~monthly and annual reporting responsibilities to higher authorities, but in order to get things going, I do need to be physically involved at times and also attend meetings. No way I could do my job as it is right now staying here long term.
There is also the personal aspect... I just don't like being here. There was a reason why I went abroad after graduating from college. There have been a lot of changes here politically and in every way since, which I follow and appreciate when I can, but it's just not the environment I'm used to living and thriving in anymore. Surely I could adjust just like I have adjusted to many other environments and challenges before, but I just know that it would most likely go through some heavy grief and depression regarding my life and everything that I now have in the US... all of my current 3D friends are also there, either there or in the UK. For sure I could most likely very easily get a job here (in fact, I get offers every now and then, to "come home") given all my qualifications and experiences but, again, it would be a very hard and long process for me to detach from everything I have right now and start anew, or very differently here. I realized today thinking about all these things, once again, how strongly I am attached to my life that has the seed in NY. The fear of possibly losing it was part of the reason and strong motivation why I got sober... not sure what would happen if I let it go. I was also thinking many times about what and to what extent these feelings reveal about my apparent "fear of commitment" that I struggled with when younger... Does not seem to be that I need to be afraid of not being able to commit, anymore.
Anyhow, I know that these thoughts right now are heavily fueled by anxiety and may not be realistic is some ways, but it feels good to just express them.
As for sobriety... I am just as committed to that as well as ever in the last few months. I am actually observing myself a lot regarding this now... somehow I really have almost zero motivation or urges to drink. Same for smoking -- I was a smoker for ~20 years, and heaviest while living here. Just met an old friend from college yesterday who still smokes and offered me cigarettes, and no desire at all. What I did have a few times were urges to binge on food, which I have not had for about 15 years (I was anorexic and bulimic in the past), I believe it was most likely cued by the environment and staying alone in my old family house, where most of that happened in the old days. But nothing too challenging, and it's very easy for me to turn down those urges now with "playing the tape through"
So in the context of my own recovery from addictions, I feel happy and relieved. Not complacent, but it feels good that I somehow have no desire to escape from anything now, or to alter my reality. I guess I worked for this a lot over years, especially during my recent near 1.5 year of sobriety, and I truly feel now how it pays off. Once again, I recommend long term recovery to everyone, it's the best investment in life I've ever made.
I want to say special thanks for all this to SR today
