Justincredible

Haennie,
Sorry for my lateness I just read this thread now. I offer my support and will include you and your father in my prayers today.
This thread has really gotten me out of my head and thinking (as do all your posts )... The feeling I'm experiencing, maybe because I have a daughter ofmy own is pride. I feel proud of you for being such a great daughter. You are stepping up to the plate in such major ways here and all the while being mindful of monitoring your own state and well being so that you can be there for your dad. He is very lucky to have you caring for him in this time.
Keep doing exactly what you are doing my friend.

Justin

Aellyce

This, a million times! Thanks so much, (((Robby))).
All the talk about living authentically... I always immediately jump into those discussions, I think because it's been natural, central and vital to me since my childhood, and I believe that most choices I've made in my life beyond probably 10 yo are reflections of this belief, or desire. My interests, hobbies, sexual orientation, relationships, career, travels, even my addictions in a way I guess...

Yes, I do admire people who sacrifice a lot to support their loved ones, or anyone. But the truth is, I am just not Jesus, Mother Theresa, or even my meditation guide who teaches worldwide, no matter how much I respect that sort of inspiration and realization. I am who and what I am, and I think I've been always pretty well aware of that, and especially now in sobriety. I also don't believe my dad really would want me to give up anything dear to me to be with him... that would be totally against the relationship we have had and still have, what he taught me when I was little, and who he also is himself. I think he is scared though, and of course he would want to be close to the person he had ever been closest to, myself. He said this many times and we discussed it many times.

What I will do now is search for a live-in nurse, but I want to see it's someone compatible with him. More than the neighbor who helped him with chores recently.

Aellyce

For all the ladies out there, I also think that I just had a really BAD episode of PMS in the past few days that added to my angst. I don't usually have much problem handling my hormones but I do believe this time a lot of the anxiety was related. Yeah, it may sound like displaced feelings again, and I am sure I'm displacing, but also these physiological fluctuations play a role. Sorry guys

Regardless, everything I wrote stands firm.

Venecia

Hi, Haennie,

I've never been a big believer in fate. And yet ...

We've been handed the painful chapters that inevitably arrive when our parents go from life as "seniors" to what comes next. They've occurred when we're standing stronger, our alcoholism a part of our past. I'm grateful for your sobriety, as I was for my own this time a year ago. In this trying time, you've shown us your character, your authenticity.

You've shown, too, that we can face these hardships sober. That is a service to all here and I thank you. We cannot drink away the hard times.

I think about you a lot and continue to send my kindest wishes. Hopefully, you'll be able to arrange for a nurse to be with your dear dad so that he is in good hands. And he wants you to live the life you charted for yourself.

Take good care, friend.

V.

lighter

Depression is a very common side effect of having a stroke, as it is a disruption of the normal way the brain processes experience. If your dad is showing signs of unusual moods (positive and negative) then the medical team need to be aware of it since it may not be 'situational' but instead medical in nature.

Aellyce

This was the song I listened to on repeat when I went on the first date with my alcoholic ex, on the day when my mom died, and my dad called me. I met him in a hotel room... and that gave rise to years of mutual obsession. I know it's creepy.

Aellyce

I also very much looked like the woman in the video. Nearly 10 years passed, I guess the look is similar except all age marks, and years of heavy alcoholicism, and now it's my dad....

Aellyce

Hi friends, everyone who has followed me, interacted with me, expressed your thoughts and feelings to me -- rest assured, I have good receptors to receive and appreciate all that I also thank you for tolerating my occasionally inserting a song/video instead of talking directly -- that's an old ingrained coping mechanism of mine, I think most often when I'm too full of "content" but afraid of moving ahead, and then I divert the topic a bit. Displace my feelings.

As for my father... well, he's back home and the new nurse just moved in as well. I have no way of knowing how the new living arrangements will work for them. The only things I know is that I keep receiving many calls from the nurse about her not knowing what to do with my dad's conversations and many references to our (dad and I) older discussions on life and death. And the talks with my father since I've left: he keeps asking me what sorts of ways could there be to end all this for good. I understand all this, I think, and to be honest with you all here, I think I would do what my dad wants... I think I would have the spiritual maturity for it. But it's just not what we can do here and now in society.

Sorry if any of this sounds too weird, just wanted to give an honest update.

ArtFriend

I get that Haennie. My mom was the same way at the end. I "gave" her permission to go. And she did. Must be hard for the nurse to deal with that.

Della1968

I get it too ((Haennie))

Aellyce

Yeah, my dad and I...

Once again, I'm sitting here craving psychedelic drugs like there is no tomorrow... viewing things like this


I have no problems with alcohol at all these days, but these...

Like psychedelics are not addictive! Well, clearly it can be more than simply just dopamine, at least in some cases.

Anyhow, thank you very much, friends, for reading all this madness.

ArtFriend

Like psychedelics are not addictive!

No, but wanting to be somewhere else avoiding the pain can be. Stay strong Haennie.

brynn

Sitting with you, haennie, through the gamut of emotions and I hope the cravings diminish very soon. Xoxo

Aellyce

Yes I will do this, AF. Why not this after all the other challenges? You know what all this makes me think of? All those traumatic experiences in our past. I think I'm just going through one of those, a different kind yet again in the present, and these posts encourage me to live it full in the present, not escape, not displace it in any form... And you know what? I actually feel it's easier this way than with all the defenses

Thanks, brynn

brynn

It's strange, but I've been thinking the same of my own situation today and you just articulated what my jumbled brain has been trying to coherently process and put in order.
By being sober today, willingly (not grudgingly), we are choosing to face the hard stuff head on...come what may....not that it's easy or without pain...the pain is felt in real-time which ive generally tried to avoid....but it is easier in the sense that by dealing in real-time we don't have it nagging at us in the back of our head at 3am and other fun things like that.
I'm just getting a handle on what this actually means, but I think it could be huge for me.
Thanks haennie!! Xoxo

Aellyce

I must also share that I'd been a psychedelics freak ever since I heard of them. My own experiences with these drugs just added to my intuition, to be honest. I have not used any for >6 years now though. But I do believe I tried to substitute psychedelics with high doses of alcohol and isolation.

So now I'm >6 years without psychedelics and nearly 1.5 year without alcohol. Honestly, I'm often still not sure how not to venture into those realms... I'm quite confident about alcohol not being the way, ever, but... ?!

ArtFriend

When my sister got into drugs, she started with grass and moved to psychedelics (LSD, shrooms, etc.) and then to cocaine, heroin and crack and meth. She often wanted to take me on a "trip" with her. I was waaaaayyyy to afraid of drugs of any kind (except booze).

We are all seeking a relief from life's pain. Your father Haennie, Brynn, me... quick fix looks so attractive. But we have to go through the pain, not around it.

Aellyce

Yes, thanks girls. I also realize that what I was trying to present here today were not about psychedelics -- that video even, I know much better -- I think I am just trying to blame whatever state and drug and so on, in my present state.

And yes trying to avoid going through the pain (yet again!), thanks AF!

Wholesome

I have no problem with psychedelics and don't think they are addictive but I don't think they should be used as a way to avoid feelings. If some came my way I would still take them but I'm not going to go looking for them.

I'm sorry about what you're going through with your father haennie. I also get what you're talking about regarding your dad's wishes.

RobbyRobot

You know, I'm thinking there is no safe way to venture back into those realms. I did my share and then some of LSD. I'm very confident my trips are all behind me. Doing psychedelics now or into the future would only lessen the trip I'm already on. Sure, firing up my brain with chemicals in an effort to *artificially* trip out use to have me all excited. Having been there so often, I'm more satisfied now with myself then I ever was back then.

To each their own, but psychedelics never offered me a free pass. There is a cost and responsibility to the use of such forced chemical trips into one's psyche. Once the ride starts, you can't just jump off any time you choose. Have to wait till it ends. Of course, one can always pretend they can stop their trip at any time if they intentionally want to delude themselves. I used to use huge amounts of alcohol to *apparently* control my stops and whatever.

Hmmm. I'm thinking I'm no longer pro for chemically tripping out.

In any case, I'm glad you're voicing and sharing your honest thoughts and feelings haennie.