Lady3

We all have our embarrassing stories and guilt and anger and so much more to list but we all have a problem and we all need to quit. Ive only been sober 10 days, 10+ years of binge drinking with months or weeks here n there that id stop, its just not for us for what ever reason. Ive had to stop hanging out with most of my friends too, broke up a 5 year relationship, but it is what it is, we just need to help each other and keep going. Reach out as you have already, its a big step... Much love 💜 Just remember you are worth it...

FrankLapidas

Good morning, Quiet. How are you today?

SoberCAH

Thanks for your heartfelt posts, amigo.

I drank for 13 years also (if you don't count years of experimenation in high school) and then asked for help and went through treatment.

I was 31 years old at the time.

I still go to AA and I have also enjoyed being able to post on this forum.

AA and recovery have been real blessings for me.

I don't have those horrible experiences you mentioned in your posts anymore.

I hope that you select and work a program of recovery which helps you get and stay sober.

And, of course, please keep posting here so we know how you are doing.

QuietToday

Hey, everyone. Went through the night well... still can't let go of the last drunken action I did though.

But I was thinking about that before. I was so mad that I only made this choice to quit now after having made a complete fool of myself--- but then I realized that if I hadn't made an idiot of myself, then I'd probably not have begun trying to quit, so there's a bright side to it, right?
I know this isn't the only time I've been a fool with alcohol, and I know that if I keep drinking it will certainly not be the last. So I just want to lump all of my past together and say, "I don't live that kind of life anymore."

But I'm still feeling beat up anyway with the guilt. I was thinking about apologizing later to the girl I'd spoiled the date with--- although I have no idea if that will set me off. I really don't. But I really do want to tell her I'm sorry. I guess because I didn't drink last night I haven't drowned out the guilt as usual, so this is really under my skin still.

ZaBoozer

Hey there QT, try and be kind to yourself. The drunk you buggered it up, not the sober you. You are now the sober you. First heal yourself mate, then you can make amends to that girl. You owe it to yourself to get better first. Keep on keeping on chap.

FrankLapidas

Quiet, you mentioned your writing. What sort of writing were you doing, or would like to do?

QuietToday

Thanks, and that's a good way of looking at it. I'm trying to find different mantras to pull me through, as I remember that helped the first/only time I quit. Thinking of myself as a "sober self" seems like a really good way to keep myself focused and moving forward, and also aware of how dangerous the "drunk self" always was, and always will be.

I liked writing fiction. I'd two short stories published back in 2012 even, which I guess has been my life's highpoint.
I really loved writing fiction, but I don't know what happened. I used to do it all while drinking, but right in the middle of 2012 I just couldn't do it anymore; stories and characters wouldn't come, and for more than a year now I've not written at all.
I really never understood why it happened. Writing was the only thing I was any good at and had fun with, but one day I just couldn't make it happen anymore.

FrankLapidas

First of all, congrats on getting published! That ain't easy. And that wasn't your high point - that is yet to come when you get sober and start scribbling again. Why do I know that? Because you said you "had fun with" writing. I've never agreed with the theory that a writer tries to write until there is blood seeping out of his forehead. I think it has to be fun, even though challenging.

When I grew up there was a romantic image of writers, sitting at a desk next to a typewriter and a bottle. Think Hemingway. It was a false image. You can't write while you are drunk.

And if I might be presumptuous, here are a couple of books you might like to read: 'The Red Hot Typewriter", by John D. MacDonald; 'On Writing', by Stephen King (even though I'm not a Stephen King fan).

ccam1973

I'm late to the thread but welcome Quiet.

Congrats on making it past day 1. You've found a community that definitely understands what you are going through. Many of us here have spent years and even decades; myself included; fighting this battle.

Good for you fighting this early on. You've got to make the commitment... commit 100% to not drinking, leave no room in your mind for drinking again. Take it hour by hour when you need to.

Make a plan, fill your idle time with things you enjoy. Just find a way not to drink.

You can do this. Trust me, you will be happier fighting this battle now than looking back on it 10 years, 20 years, 30 years from now wishing you had quit.

Welcome and lean on us as much as you need.

Ruby2

Welcome to SR and well done on making it through without drinking.

There will be time to talk to this woman if you choose, but not today. Let go of the worry and the shame today. Take care of yourself today. All those regrets, the remorse, ate at me and kept me drinking.

Keep reaching out here. In reading through what you have written, you show great introspection and the fundamental tools to start quitting. Keep reading. And writing with a purpose, even if it's just to figure things out. Start a gratitude list. Seeing that out of your time out with this girl led you to action, even if you consider it a shameful episode, is the kind of thing to put on a gratitude list. It took me a while to get to that point.

Hang in there. You can do this.

Ruby2

Punctuation is a wonderful thing. So is editing. You saw that your time out with this girl led you to do something about your drinking. That is big in creating a gratitude. The "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" thing.

QuietToday

I couldn't stop myself from apologizing and putting myself in a weak spot. My 3 hour class is with her and the whole time she'd look at me, and then I at her, and she'd turn away and I felt crazy and awful.
After class I actually went to the dumpster where I threw the alcohol out the other night and looked for it. Fortunately it wasn't there anymore...
But I was thinking about going out for liquor, badly, and I thought the only way to stop myself was to apologize. So I called her and she met me outside and I said to her how sorry I was the other night. She said it was fine and that it was okay--- and while I definitely don't believe that I do believe it was good of me to do this; it was a selfish apology, but it felt necesary.

My blood is still rushing with the want of a drink though. I feel a little better about owning up to this mistake (last mistake!), but my body is already going through the motions. Blood runs, and my mouth is dry, and in my head all I can think about is drinking.

I feel a little bit more in control by typing this out and talking to all of you who understand. I really do. But it's still there, and I'm not sure what else I can do to kill this craving right now. There are big parties over campus for senior night and everyone is drinking like crazy. I don't have a car of my own to get out of here and there's nowhere for me to really go. There's a mostly quiet lounge on campus so I think I might go buy coffee and try to stop myself there--- but I can't "do" anything right now. I just don't know what to do to keep myself from walking up to someone and asking for a drink when it's literally all over tonight.

QuietToday

The "Tragic Writer" become a big part of my drinking, I admit. Hemingway especially, but also Fitzgerald and Carver and Bukowski--- every writer I've loved, basically, was an alcoholic.
But it's ridiculous, because you're completely right. Even if there is an idolization of these people alongside drinking, it has nothing to do with either the art of writing, or the quality of writing. It's just a costume, and I wore it because I guess I thought it validated me.

Thank you for the kind words, seriously. I would really love to start writing again, and hopefully once I've cleaned up I can find that passion again. I'd really love to believe that my lapse in writing is something external like drinking, and not completely internal. I miss it a lot.

FrankLapidas

Ah, Hemingway, the master of the simple sentence. I remember in college asked by a professor to explain the Hemingway "style'. I told the professor he didn't have one. Idiot that I was.

Bukowski . . . would you trade places with him?

QuietToday

Heh. I originally didn't care for minimalism either. Later on it became my absolute favorite style though.

And no. None of them, really. Carver and Fitzgerald both died young and horribly from drinking-related causes, and Hemingway killed himself.
But I was a teenager and super impressionable when I found the link of drinking between so many writers. "Wowed" me in the most dumb way possible, unfortunately.

QuietToday

I don't mean to keep bumping my thread high on the list, but I'm having a hard time and just want to keep throwing thoughts out as this is keeping me seated and not running out.

I'm only on the 2nd day, but I've already got so many excuses running through my head. Just now I was thinking,
Well the reason you want to quit is because you make a fool of yourself in front of others drunk.
But! If you drink tonight, you can just stay in your dorm room and drink alone and not be made a fool.

And it's crazy. It's absolutely crazy how persuasive this thought is, because I know it's idiotic. I already know that I hate drinking because of the way it has just bottomed me out, placed me in a gigantic rut where I do the same things over and over and always feel like hell.

But the thought keeps coming back. And every time it does I start to reach for my wallet--- it's ridiculous. It's so stupid. But it keeps happening.

It's hard right now. I'm upset about this happening on the 2nd day, but I guess with the situation I wasn't going to be able to avoid it anyway.
I'm going to go eat. I'm going to take the extremely long way around campus to get to the cafeteria to avoid seeing all of the parties. And when I'm done eating, hopefully I can bloat myself so much on cardboard pizza slices and some sort of soda that I can just relax and not be so crazy about all of this.


And seriously; I want to remind myself of how drinking alone is bad for me, and I want to put it out here on SR just so I know that I've told someone else this truth.
Just last week I drank alone on Wednesday, and I missed this extremely important event that I had to do for my course. Now, one portion of my grade, which amounts to 20% of the final grade, I can only, at max, get an 80 on, rather than the 100 if I had just not drank and remembered the event and woken up.

But I didn't. I've done that so much this semester in so many ways also.

It's not right to drink either with someone, or alone. It's not okay to drink at all.
I just need to keep myself telling this.

QuietToday

Hey, everyone. Day 3 has begun!

I had a hard time last night as you can see with my above posts, but eventually I was able to cool down by eating and finding a very quiet place on campus away from all the parties. I sat and read until midnight, and then came back to my room.
I couldn't sleep until 5am, but it wasn't from shakes or anything. My body had spiked to such highs from wanting alcohol that, when I came down, I think I'd just drained myself of feeling. Still, while it wasn't great not sleeping, it was much better than drinking.

And I'm very glad I didn't drink! It's a beauitful day and I don't feel like hell so I'm going to go take a walk around the mountain near my school (which I haven't done in a long time because of drinking/not being able to get up). When I'm done I'll have an hour or so left before class and maybe, hopefully, I can get going on some of my Finals work *fingers crossed*

I feel good today, and I'm happy about sobriety in my short span of being sober. I'll check in later also, because alike many I tend to get the rush for alcohol once the sun goes down. Gotta keep leaning on you guys; hope it's alright!

doggonecarl

SR is a great tool for support and understanding. But don't limit yourself. Do what you have to do to stay committed to your decision to get sober. Research AVRT and Rational Recovery. Avail yourself to AA. And your campus probably has counseling available to students.

If you struggle, reach out. Many who think doing this on your own is the best way end up drinking.

Hevyn

Of course it's alright QT - that's what your SR family is for. We hold each other up. Congrats on your Day 3 - things will get easier as you get some sober time behind you.

QuietToday

I knew to expect this from today, but I'm surprised it is hitting so hard.

So I had a great day. I went for this tremendous walk around the mountain and it felt great, and I even managed to do it without bringing my cigarettes (I smoke one every 20 minutes, might I add). I came back, did some dumbbell lifts, showered, and then even did some serious school work.
...and now all I want is a drink, because I feel like I 'deserve' it. And I know that it's so stupid; the reason I had a good day is because I didn't drink last night. The reason I was able to have a good day is because I didn't drank last night. By drinking I'd ruin not only this good day, but also tomorrow's as well.
But man--- it's just running through my blood right now. And I don't know why this is, but the parties on campus are still going on. It's technically supposed to be Quiet Week now, with finals, but I guess they don't care about enforcing that here. So same predicament as last night; there's alcohol everywhere, and I smell it everywhere, and I just really need to get away from it.
So I'm going back to where I was last night on campus. I'm bringing my laptop with me to do some work, but I think I'll check in here again soon.

I know not to drink, but it's a little tough right now. Maybe even more than yesterday, because it really just swooped in on me and caught me off guard just now.

I'll be checking in soon, but either way; had a great day, and I'm going to keep repeating myself that I had a great day because I didn't drink.