I couldn't stop myself from apologizing and putting myself in a weak spot. My 3 hour class is with her and the whole time she'd look at me, and then I at her, and she'd turn away and I felt crazy and awful.
After class I actually went to the dumpster where I threw the alcohol out the other night and looked for it. Fortunately it wasn't there anymore...
But I was thinking about going out for liquor, badly, and I thought the only way to stop myself was to apologize. So I called her and she met me outside and I said to her how sorry I was the other night. She said it was fine and that it was okay--- and while I definitely don't believe that I do believe it was good of me to do this; it was a selfish apology, but it felt necesary.
My blood is still rushing with the want of a drink though. I feel a little better about owning up to this mistake (last mistake!), but my body is already going through the motions. Blood runs, and my mouth is dry, and in my head all I can think about is drinking.
I feel a little bit more in control by typing this out and talking to all of you who understand. I really do. But it's still there, and I'm not sure what else I can do to kill this craving right now. There are big parties over campus for senior night and everyone is drinking like crazy. I don't have a car of my own to get out of here and there's nowhere for me to really go. There's a mostly quiet lounge on campus so I think I might go buy coffee and try to stop myself there--- but I can't "do" anything right now. I just don't know what to do to keep myself from walking up to someone and asking for a drink when it's literally all over tonight.