I don't mean to keep bumping my thread high on the list, but I'm having a hard time and just want to keep throwing thoughts out as this is keeping me seated and not running out.
I'm only on the 2nd day, but I've already got so many excuses running through my head. Just now I was thinking,
Well the reason you want to quit is because you make a fool of yourself in front of others drunk.
But! If you drink tonight, you can just stay in your dorm room and drink alone and not be made a fool.
And it's crazy. It's absolutely crazy how persuasive this thought is, because I know it's idiotic. I already know that I hate drinking because of the way it has just bottomed me out, placed me in a gigantic rut where I do the same things over and over and always feel like hell.
But the thought keeps coming back. And every time it does I start to reach for my wallet--- it's ridiculous. It's so stupid. But it keeps happening.
It's hard right now. I'm upset about this happening on the 2nd day, but I guess with the situation I wasn't going to be able to avoid it anyway.
I'm going to go eat. I'm going to take the extremely long way around campus to get to the cafeteria to avoid seeing all of the parties. And when I'm done eating, hopefully I can bloat myself so much on cardboard pizza slices and some sort of soda that I can just relax and not be so crazy about all of this.
And seriously; I want to remind myself of how drinking alone is bad for me, and I want to put it out here on SR just so I know that I've told someone else this truth.
Just last week I drank alone on Wednesday, and I missed this extremely important event that I had to do for my course. Now, one portion of my grade, which amounts to 20% of the final grade, I can only, at max, get an 80 on, rather than the 100 if I had just not drank and remembered the event and woken up.
But I didn't. I've done that so much this semester in so many ways also.
It's not right to drink either with someone, or alone. It's not okay to drink at all.
I just need to keep myself telling this.