Really want to exit alcohol
 

Hello everyone. I'm a new user here, and I want to use soberrecovery as a support group, if possible. I've tried to fix my life on my own, but it just hasn't worked...

I am an alcoholic. I've understood and admitted this for three years. I started drinking when I was very young at 12, and I've now been drinking for 13 years of my life.

I have no excuses left.
I used to say I drank because it helped me write fiction--- but I haven't written in more than a year.
I used to say I drank because it helped me be social--- but now I am completely not in control of drinking and I become a wreck.

The latter excuse is what finally brought me to make a user on this forum. I was friendly with this girl on campus and finally we went out on a date. She was having a great time and was very friendly and I was so happy about it all--- but we went to a bar to eat, and the moment I touched a drink to my lips I was gone. By the end of the night I was stuttering, stumbling, and my eyes were rolling. It was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life, and the worst part is that I didn't have a clue that any of this was happening until we got back by train and she coldly walked away with just a quick wave goodbye, and then I understood that I had ruined everything.

I've tried to talk to friends and family about drinking, people who've seen me drink, know how I drink, act when I drink--- and they don't get it. I've been a daily drinker, but my real problem is binge-drinking. Nobody understands when I tell them, "If I drink one sip of alcohol, I literally cannot do anything else but drink until I fall asleep." But that's exactly it--- I am completely out of control. I don't think at all, and just need to continue to drink. I fail to see how I look, how I'm affecting others; how much I'm spending, or what I'm even saying.
I become an absolute monster.

And the guilt--- that's what I'm most embarrassed by. The next day I wake up and I just can't stand myself. I want to scream and tear the skin off my face; I am repulsed and horrified and so angry--- and yet, somehow, eventually, I do it again anyway.

I hate drinking. I hate my life. And yet no matter hard I've tried I somehow come back to drinking. Once I threw out the alcohol and went sober for four months, and they were good and clean months. But then, eventually, I caved; fell back to this life-style I absolutely hate.

I just need someone to talk to who understands. The only way for me to get going with recovering is undergoing again that very hard stage of having to say "No" again. I can't put myself in a setting with alcohol, and this means I can't see my friends at all. It's hard, and alienating, but I just really want to do this. I want to fix my life, because I swear if I have to go through one more morning of the guilt and shame and regret I just don't know if I'll make it. I really don't.

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to throw as much of this out there as possible. I want to be committed, and so I want to admit vulnerability; I'm not a great person, and I'm tremendously afraid. But I want to stop drinking, and if there's any help you can give me I'd be seriously appreciative.

Welcome to the Forum QuietToday!! :wave:

Welcome to SR, Quiet.

You have one big thing going for you - your age. Sounds like you are 25. Which means you won't have to wait decades (like many of us) to get sober. Yes, decades. Trust me, those would be lost years. But now you can rewrite history before it happens. Lean on everyone here and you can do it.

Hi QT, my son is 25 and you just wrote his story as well. After a DUI in January he started attending and IOP (intensive outpatient program). Part of it involves group therapy, part is time with a psychiatrist, and he is also taking Antabuse. When he is doing all three of these things, he stays clean and sane. One drink though and it's a total disaster, just as you described. He is doing some reading on Rational Recovery and he can relate to it. Just want to wish you luck. You really want to quit now so you have some kind of future. Hang in there.

Hello & Welcome QuietToday its nice to meet you youl find so much support & understanding here

Great advice too !!

Welcome to the family. :) It's so rewarding to live a sober life. I love feeling good in the morning and looking forward to the day.

I hope the support here can help you stay sober for good. :)

Thanks for the quick and friendly replies everyone. And I do hope to take that offer up; having someone to "lean on" who actually understands would be tremendously helpful.

I've "quit" before, and I remember how brutal the cravings are at first. I don't remember how I got through them though--- what would you all recommend? Honestly, despite my telling that story of shame above, I'm already getting the urge to drink--- I threw the alcohol out before, but still--- I'm getting the rush in my blood.
All I remember about beating the cravings was that I'd say, "This feeling is terrible now, but if you drink it will be much worse." And I'd just repeat that over and over while walking aimlessly around. I guess it worked, but what would everyone recommend trying?

SR is a great tool to use to assist in your recovery and maintaining sobriety. As others said your still young and that is great news as your whole sober life is in front of you. You will hear a lot of great advice on here about making "your plan" in order to remain sober. Your plan (lifestyle changes, friend changes and triggers) are essential to really considering so you are prepared for the great days ahead of you! Most importantly, welcome!

Welcome QuietToday.

Make the decision to not drink for the rest of the day. You can do that. Then check in here in the morning. We can deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

One step at a time.

Triggers is something I need to address, and I think that, this time quitting, is going to be a greater hurdle.
I mentioned above how I get after having even one drink. But I've noticed that, since starting school at a university and dorming, that at times I enter the alcoholic mindset before I drink. Last Tuesday, while I was in class, I was saying to myself that I wouldn't drink that night, that I'd catch up on some work and finish a book I was reading and then have food and sleep--- but the moment that class ended, and there being no classes on Wednesday and therefore a night where everyone on campus is drinking, I just, instantly, and without even realizing it, ended up in a car, at the liquor store, and then spent the entire night drunk.

I know some triggers--- but this is a new one. And even last week, I was very confused about this the next morning. I genuinely do not know how or why it happened; I had a whole plan even to be sober. But for whatever reason, just because it was a Tuesday night, I ended up blowing everything off just so I could sit in my room and drink.


The more I talk about this the more frightening it gets. Honestly.

Great to meet you QuietToday. I'm so glad you're taking a hard look at what it's doing to your life. I knew at 25 that I was growing too dependent on it, but I went on for many more years trying to control it. In the end I was drinking all day, every day and my life was in ruins. This won't happen to you. :)

Welcome to SR!

You're right. I've only said such a little bit, but I'm already making myself nervous.
I can make it through this night. And then tomorrow I'd like to talk some more--- But for now, you're right; I need to just embrace what I'm trying to start, and make a result happen.

I'll talk to everyone soon. And again, thanks for the supporting words. This seems like a good place for me to be, and I want to do as much good for myself as all of you are, for both yourselves and others.

Welcome to SR QuietToday. :)

Welcome!

I can say with close to 100% certainty that all of us understand you and maybe better than you understand yourself. We've all experienced the hopelessness and despair but there is a way out as many here can attest.

Ask lots of questions and post often. I would seriously consider formulating a sobriety plan. It is what we do that makes all the difference

It's been years since my college days but work environments are just the same. Starting at 3:00 everyone starts talking about where the drinking spot would be for the night (trigger activated). I used to follow suit every time and for way too many years. When I finally got so sick and tired of being sick and tired I made the decision to avoid these situations. It was hard for me too but I finally said enough is enough and now they don't even ask me anymore. I'm still friends with them but not in the drinking aspect anymore. Reverse your thinking from drinking to not drinking. It's easier said than done but its worth every bit of it. You CAN do this QT!

We are on your side.

late to the thread but welcome QT :)

D

Welcome Quiet,

You summed up the life of alcoholic drinking perfectly.

I can relate to so much of your post. These two parts really stuck out to me and you sound ready to stop. I was living the same life. Making great plans in the morning and then drinking that night. Believe me that you can do this and be free from the chains of alcohol. As you know, it is no way to live. There comes a time when drinking actually becomes harder than not drinking. It sounds like you are there. There is a time when we are ready and you really sound like it. Welcome.