AlcoholFree66

Hi Paul - when I was really desperate I admitted to my husband exactly what sneaky tricks I had engaged in (to drink without him or my children knowing). [ of course they knew when I drank anyway, because my mood changed so dramatically - I just thought I was fooling them] As Mags said I laid my cards on the table. Yes, my husband was upset that day but he gave me an important ultimatum - alcohol or my family. That was just the impetus I needed to get sober (subconsciously I believe I wanted this).

Today I want to be sober because I know how much more I enjoy life, plus I so want to be a good wife and mum and have the respect of my family.

I strongly recommend 'fessing up' to your parents and reaching out for help.

Fandy

Hi Paul, please read BillinSaratoga's post today, 6 months, I think he is close to you in age and other factors.
I hope that you can have an honest conversation about the secret drinking, it will take a burden off your shoulders and help you to stop.
You are so fortunate to have family who support you.

Eddiebuckle

Paul,

I went through exactly this the day before I was to go to rehab - there was a snowstorm and I was unable to get booze. This can be extremely dangerous, you need to contact a Dr. or hospital to detox. Do not do this in secret, you could have a seizure and no one would know. This is not about willpower, alcohol withdrawal can be fatal.

Please keep posting, we care!

pauladmits

Alright, I made it through last night. Today has been my most productive day this year. I have tried everything to keep my mind off alcohol but it's just a brutal process. I'm drinking half of what I normally drink to avoid serious withdrawals. I know this is not ideal and I'm doing the same thing I have tried a hundred times and failed, which I'm pretty sure is the definition of insanity. But, I'm moving in the right direction. Set up a meeting with my doc this week and going to ask her for some more help for my abuse. Feel pretty good right now. I love this site, thank you all for your support and thoughts.

pauladmits

Fandy, you have been there for me for awhile. Thank you for your support. Hate coming back like this though. I felt so good for awhile. Appreciate it so much.

tomthern

I am glad you are posting. I think you are going to need a detox or you could have some detox issues. Plus you need to be medically checked out. You can feel better with at least getting your feelings out there. I think that the answer to how long depends on how it goes. Maybe the detoxing will be the stimulus you need. This life being sober is worth any price.

pauladmits

Fight continues, went from incredibly happy to pure depressed. Oh well, this is what I signed up for in my life. No one else to blame. I turned on my depressed music without even thinking. I don't know if I want to be depressed now or I am depressed. Made me question why I turned that playlist on. Almost like I wanted to feel sad. It worked but then I turned it off, got water and the intense sadness just went away. It's like I want to suffer. Makes no sense.

pauladmits

Pretty embarrassing story but it has helped. I feel like a baby with a bottle. I filled up a half pint of vodka with water and holding it in bed sipping it like it has alcohol in it. It has amazingly calmed me down just drinking out of the bottle. Sad state of affairs. But I'm willing to try anything to fall asleep.

Dee74

When's your Dr.s appointment set for Paul?
D

Fandy

Paul, we are just glad that you MADE IT BACK! I'm sure that everyone here might have had a relapse (or in my case 543 relapses over the years), we don't shoot the wounded, we carry them back to the group....no matter what method we use, we are here to learn and help each other.

I will only share with you that for me, it is so flipping EXHAUSTING to try to moderate, it gets to be a fulltime job, because it occupies so much space in your head.

If you felt good before, you can feel good again...but with detoxing, you will feel craptastic for a short while. Maybe just accept this and know that it is temporary, get through it and get help for the root of the problem. Know that your body and internal organs are going to heal, but the doctor will order some tests to assess the damage. a fifth of vodka a day is brutal and you can expect some abnormalities. Luckily, you are a younger strong person.

You want to be there for your nieces and nephews and your family. You really do want your own life and I think that if you stop drinking and isolating in the house, you will feel much better about yourself.

pauladmits

It was set for tomorrow, I called and cancelled the meeting today. Just feel massive anxiety coming on and I have avoided her for two and a half months. I had trouble working all day just knowing I had that obligation. I don't know what else to say. I fight anything that would possibly help me.

Dee74

Yeah, but knowing that is only a step forward if you do something about it, Paul - yeah?
The longer you resist doing something about this, the harder it's going to get.

If the fear and anxiety is crippling now what might it be like in 6 months time?
If you feel ill now, what might you be like in a years time?
If you hate yourself now how much worse is it going to be in 5 years?

D

Notimetoloose

Its the nature of the beast Paul...time to put your shoulder to wheel and give her a bell, ask to talk to her directly, ask her to come to you, do what it takes...the sheer act of doing something positive gains it own momentum....you can do this.

DisplacedGRITS

Paul, don't wait for courage. It may never come. It's okay to be anxious but what are you going to do? The longer you put off your appointment, the longer and harder it's going to be to accept help. When a sober alcoholic goes missing, most people assume the worst. I'm just wondering why you're avoiding this? What are you anxious about? Is it fear? Pride? Are you hiding from her or are you thinking that she doesn't know you've relapsed and if you avoid her, you'll be able to save face?

I know the feeling of ducking a therapist. I've done it a couple of times myself. I've gone back and sure enough, she wasn't fooled. She was just waiting for me to come back and we started back up. I didn't have to ask for her forgiveness because she was never mad at me. She just waited and hoped.

Perhaps you can make an appointment and set it up so someone will take you there. If you're like me, you have a problem being accountable to yourself but you'll do what you can to be accountable to someone else. Do you think that's something that may help you?

pauladmits

Another night treading along. Drank half of what I've been drinking, didn't progress with getting help. Did get some vitamins today. I'm at least at the point where I'm not going to sleep blacked out and waking up and puking. But as much as I hate to admit it I'm once again getting the urge to try this myself. I will see my doc next week, I have to because I need a refill on meds. I'm still not counting out going to detox if that's what it takes to give up alcohol safely. I just have got to maintain this level and not break this week. So good/bad news. The best news is I do want to get alcohol out of my life. I'm just a little scared hearing all these stories of just going cold turkey.

Fandy

this is a mistake....If you know the truth about what you've done to your body, you can begin to HEAL.

this 50% drinking is only spinning your wheels. Sooner or later you will be at 80% then right back up to the blackouts, puking and down the black hole.

what makes you think the insane plan is going to work this time? You can't hide what you look like after drinking, don't kid yourself, your shiney bloated look, rapid HR and red eyes tell everyone how much you drink...and of course the puking and shaking hands.
stay connected here, keep reading maybe something will click?

Elseware

Paul. PLEASE, get someone to help you keep theses appts. You really have to let someone help you. To put it very bluntly, I think you are beyond being able to help yourself. It is a brave, strong thing to reach out and ask. Once you do that the wheels will be set in motion for change to occur. If you think everyone doesn't know about your drinking you are very wrong. As a former drinker, I can spot it a mile away. Let someone help you. Please, you are so young, with so much life ahead of you. You don't have to keep choosing this over and over.

bobquin

This, IMO, would be your best, and safest, bet. Struggling through this on your own sounds painfully uncomfortable. It doesn't need to be this way. A safe, medically supervised detox was the best thing I've ever done. Please consider it.

Live2Run25

Paul,
We both joined this site at the same time, and I remember your struggles from two years ago. Today I celebrate my two years of sobriety. It CAN BE DONE. You just have to want to do it. It seems like you SORT OF want to do it, but you know that once you reach out to someone, you can't go backwards, but that is the idea! There is NO SHAME in asking for help. You need help. You are very very sick and your body isn't going to put up with the abuse for much longer. Tell your parents, go see a doctor. No one will laugh, or think horrible things. They will want to help you.

For me, telling someone was the ONLY way I got sober. I needed someone else to hold me accountable, because I couldn't do it myself. Here I am two years sober now.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

pauladmits

Failed miserably. About a fifth and a half deep. Just breaking like glass. There is no hope.