bobquin

I think you meant to address this to pauladmits, Elseware? I'm doing just fine!

Paul, I hope you're well, and that you check in here soon.

Elseware

Oh sorry! I'm glad you're good, Bobquin. Got mixed up there.

Elseware

Paul, please give us an update!

Dee74

I'd like to hear how you are too Paul?

D

zombiegirl

Sorry if I seem dumb, what do you mean by a fifth? I've never heard that saying before.
Good luck with it all paul we are all rooting for u xxx

Elseware

Zombirgirl, Hi, how are you? A fifth is 750 milliliters of alcohol. A pretty large amount, in my book.

pauladmits

I failed. Instead of making the call I went to get more for another day and another. No change. Nothing else to say. My word is meaningless. I seriously thought I was ready. My mind changes every minute. I also have ADHD and OCPD, change is just brutal. I haven't drank a lot today but I definitely haven't progressed. Just don't know what else to say other than be honest no matter how embarrassing it is.

Dee74

It's pretty simple tho Paul.

You need to quit.

You can quit, now or you can quit later - quitting later is always going to be harder...always assuming of course you get the chance to quit later.

With your OCPD and ADHD it's even more imperative you bite the bullet and see a Dr.

D

DisplacedGRITS

Often the hardest step to take is the first one, pauladmits. I know you're hurting and feeling hopeless and scared. It's alright. You're here so i think that shows that you really, honestly want sobriety. Fear is a terrible thing for alcoholics. It is something that keeps many of us suffering for a long time. My best advice to you is to not wait on courage. It may never come. If you're afraid to call someone, then call them and be afraid. It's fine. No one expects a suffering alcoholic to be all gung ho about sobriety at first. Be scared silly but just don't let the fear be what holds you back. Fear is a great motivator as well. It's part of what helps keep me sober right now. I'm flat out terrified of what will happen to me if i relapse. The key is to not let your fear be what holds you back.

Don't wait for the courage to change. Don't wait for the right moment. Don't wait until your ready. Don't. Wait.

pauladmits

I don't know guys, I don't believe anything I say. Even if I believe it when I say it after a while you don't even believe yourself. I make a million promises with a lot of things in my life and fail constantly. Alcohol is not the only thing. My mind just jumps and races back and forth. I feel like a Zombie. Just a dead man with no soul.

DisplacedGRITS

Look, i felt like i was full of crap when i was drinking. My life was full of lies, manipulations, broken promises, ******** and despair. That's fine! That's what being sick is. You're sick. You're not a bad person wanting to get good. You're a sick person wanting to get better. We're not going to step on your neck here. Many, probably most, of us have felt the way you're feeling. I know i felt like i wasn't strong enough or honest enough or moral enough to get sober. But people here and people in my life told me that they had been like me and got sober. I didn't believe in myself but i believed them. So i did what i was told. I took direction from sober alcoholics. I got in the passenger side of my life and let them drive me to sobriety.

A lot of my life right now is doing what people ask me to do. I trust in the people who are giving me direction in life. I know they care about me, they know how to be sober and be happy and they will help me to live a whole, generally happy, sober life. They were just like me once. I know they got to where they are by listening to the people who gave them good direction. Now, they're passing that on to me.

You're no worse than any of us were. You can stop drinking. You never have to feel this way again. But you have to stop before you drink. You have to ask for help. You can't run your own show. At least, that's what worked for me and i was a total freaking mess.

Dee74

Like Dg said, you're no different to the rest of us Paul.

I fought tooth and nail not to stop drinking. There were lots of bargains with God made and agreements backed out on.

I was terrified. I had many other issues and problems I was convinced I couldn't deal with without alcohol.

As I out off quitting, the years mounted and I began to realise my body wasn't made of titanium after all.

Like I said before, the sooner you quit the best chance you'll have of walking away with minimal physical and mental damage.

You're young enough to restart your life, find a partner, raise a family - be the man you always wanted to be.

The longer you drink, the more damage there will be and the harder it will be to quit and start again.

The ball really is in your court - it always has been, Paul.
D

pauladmits

You guys are awesome. I know I fail and break every promise I make, but it's good to hear support. The best 4 months I've had in the past two years was on this site. I was lifting weights, hiking, figuring out some very exciting things about myself. It was a fun experience. But it scares me I'm worse off than before that. I just need to stop making promises. If I break them I hide. Thanks dg and dee!!

kellyrally

Good on you for coming back. I can identify with admitting to the alcoholism and then slipping back into a life of denial. I have also not posted on here for ages (can't remember the last time) and I too, am over being a slave to alcohol. I am sure that we can do this!!

Dee74

Nothing wrong with making promises Paul - you just need to see them through.
And don't make them to us - make to yourself

D

DisplacedGRITS

I actually quit making promises a while ago. I used to make promises and when I broke them, they just became more emotional ammunition I used to further cut myself down. I finally had to stop making promises and make my actions speak for themselves. To be honest, it took a lot of pressure off myself. I no longer had my broken promises following me around, haunting me. All I had were actions.

Fandy

I hope you might realize that alcohol will steal everything from you...your desire to hike, lift weights, wreck your body and damage your internal organs...it will steal any hope for a real relationship and family, intimacy and love...it wants EVERYTHING you hold close.

You're a strong guy and a former in-shape athletic man with a sharp mind. You can get all of this back and continue LIVING, not hiding in the house with your brain soaked in booze, making irrational decisions. If you are on any meds for ADHD, they are not doing much good mixed with a 5th every day.

right now, your body could bounce back fairly quickly and heal...but in a year or 2 your are going to be so much worse....can you take a walk down the stairs or to your parents kitchen and tell them you need to stop? If I remember correctly your mother will understand? You're their adult child, but they care and will help you.

don't let this weekend get wasted in booze, it's 2 more days of your life that you will never get back.

Fallow

Paul I think I read all of your threads over the years... Cant recall if I ever responded. Im happy you are back. And Im happy I made it back too.

I wish I had some great advice for you but I dont. Just want to say Im here reading and praying for you hoping you will make it.

I know I had to get to the place where emotionally I couldnt wait until tomorrow to quit. It HAD to be today. Nobody could give me that gift of desperation.

Anna

Paul, making promises to yourself is good, but taking action is far better. Do something, anything, any small step to help yourself today. I think that every action you take has a ripple effect in your life.

Vanduara

Paul, like Fallow above I think I have read all of your threads too (I lurked and read for a long time before joining).

I am new to this myself but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you too.