KAD

So did I. Otherwise I would have gone a lot sooner. It was people here at SR who clued me into the fact that doctors can only suggest rehab (which mine didn't), but they can also prescribe meds to guide you through the dangerous process of withdrawal. I was a 5th of vodka/day drinker. Got a 26 year long history of heavy drinking, dotted with some periods of abstinence here and there, so I've not been a lightweight with my drinking. I would easily have been a candidate for rehab but it was never even suggested.

Dee74

I was pretty much a fatalist for a lot of my drinking career Paul.
I told myself I wasn't afraid to die - but deep down I never thought I would.

Facing that moment, drunk, lying on my bathroom floor, unable to get up, unable to cry out, my head bleeding from a fall, slipping in an out of clarity, my heart pumping fit to burst so loud I could feel it through my body...

I got a glimpse of what mortality is.

Please don't tell me you know what I mean because you couldn't.
Noone who's been there could be as apathetic as you are now.

People die from this Paul. They die everyday. (I'm sorry for your losses, btw)

You know that in your head - but you need to feel it in your heart
You need to get serious about this.

This is not a role playing game or a dress rehearsal.
You may not be as lucky as I was.

D

DisplacedGRITS

I know Paul. I'm an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I'd drink, freak out about how overwhelming getting sober was, wallow in self pity, tear my hair and be an emotional basket case. Then I'd get "sober," take several deep but panicked breaths and pick up lying again. I lied to myself about my situation. I refused to believe that I was in as desperate a state as I was. I emotionally shut down and was so ashamed of my drinking and loss of control. I figured that the problem was my lack of control. I figured that if I could control factors in my life, I'd be able to get sober. Well, I'd be able to drink normally. Control was the thing. So I'd go about trying to control things in my life that are absolutely uncontrollable and that would result in me becoming frustrated, afraid, bored and I'd end up drinking because I figured at least I could control that, then I lost control of that and I spiraled into yet another night of emotional diarrhea on my keyboard followed by yet another day of miserably trying to think and control my way into sobriety.

What finally worked was admitting that I couldn't control jack. I couldn't control my emotions, my situations, my drinking, my fear. My attempts at control only resulted in fear and frustration and a subsequent increased lack of control. My life spun wildly out of control and I was desperate to fix it but too proud to ask for help. I didn't want to accept that I wasn't smart enough to figure this alcohol thing out. It wasn't until I was beaten to a physical and spiritual pulp by my pride and self will run riot that I came to accept that I'm not in control. That I absolutely must ask for and accept help. I now know that asking for and accepting help is the greatest example of my bravery and my intelligence.

Yeah, you can't say what you said without sounding like a jerk because it sounds like a jerk thing to say. Your in a state of self will run riot and it makes you say jerky things and take jerky actions. Your pride is out of control, which is ironic because you know that you're a mess. I don't think you're a jerk or a douche. I just think that you are lacking in faith. Until you put your faith in something besides yourself and alcohol, you're not going to be able to take the necessary steps to get sober. At least, that's what I found to be true for myself. Perhaps it's true for you as well.

Luper

Just read this whole thread, and wow...you sound just like my brother did. Yup, I said DID. He refused help, and drank himself into the hospital many times...he didn't want to quit even though he said he did..just like you. I got the call at work...yup he died from this crap. You want your parents to feel like I do? I don't think so.

You are very lucky to have a family that loves you and will support you. These people have given you tons of excellent advice and suggestions and yet you just keep coming up with excuses. Sounds to me like you want someone on this site to fix this for you. Not going to happen........This is something you have to do.

Time to man up Paul...none of us wanted to ask for help. You have to accept that you cannot do this on your own.

Make the phone call before it's too late.

KAD

Yes, it is the definition of insanity, and I've spoken those very words and done the very same thing for years. I have finally come to understand that I cannot control my drinking once I get started, and even when/if I stop, if I don't deal with what leads me back to it time after time, I will just repeat the same insane cycle over and over again. You have to reach out. You have to admit it at least to yourself, that all evidence points to the fact that your drinking is out of control and you are not capable of controlling it yourself. Otherwise, you would have done so long ago. It's understandable to want to feel in control. I thrived on it, but when it comes to alcohol, I just don't have it anymore.

pauladmits

Dee, DisplacedGrits, Luper, GetmeOut....

I'm responding to you all at once because you all said some very powerful and personal things. Appreciate your responses very much.

My question is, what if you just don't care? Like I've been so spoiled my life I just don't care. Money is never a problem, love is never a problem, being a man is never needed, etc. I mean for instance, I moved to Alaska after college. We have a PFD each year that is around $1k and Palins last year it was $2,800. For the first 5 years I lived here I never received a single check because I never went downtown to submit my application and birth certificate. It wasn't until my parents moved here and drove me downtown and went and got my bc printed that I finally started receiving them.

I'm just trying to paint a picture of how hard it is for me to do something for myself. Simple things are hard. The only way anything ever gets done in my life is if someone else does it. And don't get me wrong, I'm not some primadonna that expects things done for me. I simply avoid it. My goal in life is to not ask anything from anyone so I'll never have to be asked to do anything. And I really hope this doesn't turn some of you off from helping. This is what I see a doc for. I have OCPD, Bi-Polar II and my doc thinks I might have borderline personality disorder which scares the **** out of me.

I just can't figure out how to care. Like there is nothing in my mind that is even remotely considering getting help. It's just a blank space that wants to suffer. I have absolutely no clue how to change my thought process to own my life. It is just such a sickening feeling!

I hope this didn't come off bad, I just want to tell what's going on in my head. I'm sorry.

Dee74

If you didn't care you wouldn't be here Paul

I think you're so used to a way of thinking it seems built in to you - it's unquestionable.
The parasite's fed on so much of you you've become used to it

Doing nothing to change suits you cos there are things you'll need to face if you get sober that are hella scary.

I can't make you do something man - but I really hope you will.
You're wasting your life and dying by degrees here Paul.

D

pauladmits

I really hope this is just the drunk me talking because it doesn't sound good. I really hope I'm not this bad of a person when I'm sober.

KAD

What Dee said. If you really didn't care, you would not be here. You would not have laid your life out on the table the way you did, and I for one am very glad you did. I think maybe you try to tell yourself you don't care because it perpetuates that whole idea you have that you're in control. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't be here.

Fandy

Sometimes you have to look at yourself hard and face what you are.
I hope you change before circumstances change you.
Your parents will not always be there, you might be surprised at where the next turn in the road takes you, time to grow up.
Your dx and illness is not helped by the 5th a day, you are making it worse and opening yourself up for so many preventable physical ailments.

pauladmits

I just don't know what to say Dee. And I want to clarify that I don't know my moms side of the family very well. She is half German (father she's never met) and half Native American. I was never raised with that side of my family. But alcoholism runs deep there. Lot of what I'm talking about are my family who live in a village. My aunt who died of alcohol poisoning died from making her own alcohol in a bathtub after the village banned alcohol sales. I've visited there for family events and funerals many times. And I always thought my drinking was fine compared to what goes on there. I mean alcoholism is ridiculous in the village. Murder, suicide, etc. It's a common theme there. And I didn't even grow up there. But I still am falling in to this alcoholic trap. I'm not making excuses but I just find it interesting how I'm following in the footsteps of people I've met just a couple times in my life. I just feel like I'll never be able to get this alcoholism out of my life. I don't know what to do Dee.

Dee74

I come from a long lime of alcoholics too. at least on one side.

Genetics aren't everything.
You;re not doomed to repeat past mistakes or cursed from birth.

You have the power to change your life.
You can write a new ending to your story.

I did

D

KAD

You're not fated to forever be an alcoholic, man. No one is. It's gonna take an effort on your part to get away from it, though. You have to want it, and you have to make the effort, but there is lots of help out there along the way. It really is as simple as that.

Luper

I also have a mental illness and come from a family of alcoholics...that doesn't mean I want to end up where they did. It's a choice. The last thing I wanted to do is ask for help. Not something I do. Always have to figure it out myself.

In the long run, for me, asking for help finally is the best thing I ever did.

EndGameNYC

Yes, Paul, you are killing yourself. Suicide is never the best solution for alcoholism or any other kind of pain and suffering. (Apart, perhaps, from what are referred to as "mercy killings," which are extremely controversial and for many, extremely inflammatory, and which I also believe, are not at all applicable in your case.) If you're waiting for the Universe to intervene, as you seem to do in most other areas of your life, then you'll accomplish your goal. The Universe is indifferent to our pain and suffering. It doesn't care how, why or how long we suffer. It doesn't extend a helping hand when things are at their worst. But it will cooperate if we do nothing, standing on the sidelines as is its most familiar role.

You're living a false life. Nothing of any importance is real for you; a bizarre and twisted Vaudevillian rendition of an inevitable descent into hell that culminates in the final act of life. You're not participating in your own life or well being. Despite the fact that you've accumulated a great deal of evidence in every area of your life to the contrary, you insist that you can change the life script that you've both inherited and protect with all your being when you're sober for a few minutes each day, without any outside help whatsoever.

You've greedily embraced your own helplessness and you count yourself as a victim of your own good fortune, which you seem to confuse with having everything at your fingertips with little or no effort on your part. The problem with chronic victimhood is that we eventually get what we want, a slow and painful demise that we not only expected, but in which we also played a major role in creating and sustaining.

The very fact that you're debating either life or death -- and the latest polls demonstrate that death has a substantial lead -- indicates not only a psychological disconnect from being willing to accept help, but also a callous disregard for your own being. After all, in your case, there is only one inevitable alternative to hiding from and rejecting the help you clearly so desperately need.

You make all of this so very complicated. The simple thing is to put down the drink. And if you cannot do this on your own (Is there any hard evidence that you can?), then your darker side will win, and there will be no more writing on this thread.

Elseware

Paul! Go to the emergency room. Now!

Anna

Paul, I would like you to get away from all the reasons why you are an alcoholic. Just let it go and step away, because ultimately, it doesn't matter. What matters is what you can do to change things. Go to your dr and tell the truth. It's scary to think of it, but you can do it and you can begin to free yourself from this life of chains you're living in.

PurpleKnight

No one is completely powerless, sure there are reasons why we are alcoholics, genetics, family history, growing up environment etc etc, the list goes on and on but the reasons are not important, they are in the past, the here and now is we have a drinking problem and need to sort it out.

For me, it took a whole year from deciding that I needed to be Sober and then actually achieving it, so I understand the frustrations of going round and round in circles with nothing to show for it.

But it can be done, we all have the power within us to be Sober, we must have, because there are many people that have achieved it, even I did.

You just need to figure out what is gonna work for you, however the answer won't magically appear and sitting around doing nothing isn't going to achieve anything.

You need to put the effort in and work out your own plan of recovery . . . support, accountability, a new lifestyle, these are all the principles of getting Sober!!

It can be done!!

DisplacedGRITS

Remember that drunkeness and active alcoholism breeds apathy. You'll probably find that as you gain sobriety, your interest in interest, care and concern for life will grow. If you want to experience this, throw your efforts into faith, honesty and willingness. Do what you're told and don't ask questions at first.

So your goal in life is to not have anything done for you so that you're not asked to do anything for anyone? Oh, but don't be discouraged from helping you? Paul, how does this make any sense? I can't wrap my head around the first sentence because the only reason you can be here is because you want help, unless you're a troll. You don't act like a troll. You just act like an arrogant alcoholic who relies on excuses and self delusions to justify his drinking. You're trying to say that you don't want help but for us to not be discouraged from helping you. Paul, i am not in the habit of banging my head against brick walls for fun. Figure out what you really mean or drop it as an excuse. Get honest.

You seem to be using your genetics as an excuse. Does alcoholism have a genetic component? All signs point to yes. Does genetic predisposition mean that you will die from alcoholism? No. Does mental illness mean that recovery from active alcoholism is impossible? Eff no! It just brings with it it's own set of challenges. I'm related to q bunch of Tennessee hill people with extensive mental health issues and rampant alcoholism. My uncle just killed himself while off his bipolar medication. I myself have been diagnosed with bipolar II and struggle with rapidly cycling mania and depression. I'm celebrating 90 days again today. Part of that is because i accept myself for who i am and have faith that other people like me have recovered BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO BE HONEST.

Paul, drop this pity party. You have been supported and encouraged here. We have sympathized with you and empathized for you. We offer honest advice on what has worked for us. We are throwing the solution at your feet. Have the faith to pick it up. I will not take place in your pity party anymore. I can't stand to see someone who can recover refuse to recover. It's painful and i don't believe that i can help you anymore than i have. Quit with the excuses, Paul. Either recover or don't. It's your choice.

lovesymphony

I dont see any alternative but to go to a doctor because of the amount you've been drinking. Doctors see this type of thing all the time. Ask yourself what it really is you're so afraid of and why it's so hard to go to one.
If you're drinking daily that could be why some of your posts sound contradictory and aren't adding up. I know it only takes one beer for my judgment to start slipping. I can only see two options you have- go to a doctor or perish. And by perish you may not be lucky enough to die. You may end up insane like my grandfather or confined to bed in a hospital with a severely damaged body.
It's not too late!! You can still recover and help another alcoholic with your story someday.