Diary of a Mad Cow
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
I agree, Cow is a beautiful queen! I really like the crayon work too, cool how you went from one color to another on the brick! I notice stuff like that because I've dabbled in art all my life. Me thinks you have some artistic ability there!I am so happy for you that you made it through today! Good job! Go, Cow, woo hoo!
God's work in progress
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 515
Just adding to your cheering section Cow...
Love the Crayola and your analogy. Yes, I believe there is a fabulous Princess Cow waiting to be revealed...All in good time, my pretty!
And do follow the others advice if you have any trouble with detox...see a doctor or get to the ER if need be.
Love and Hugs,
Kim
Love the Crayola and your analogy. Yes, I believe there is a fabulous Princess Cow waiting to be revealed...All in good time, my pretty!
And do follow the others advice if you have any trouble with detox...see a doctor or get to the ER if need be.
Love and Hugs,
Kim
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Labor Day: Cuz giving birth to sobriety is a bitch!
I not really want to talk about it. (see my Crayola rendering) But I promise self from start I gonna come here every day and be true, so I will. I read back of my posts a lot, and maybe other read them too, and I see my progression and lack thereof. And is helpful to me, and maybe to other, even though I falter -a lot- so I gonna keep going.
So, I wake up feeling very ploopy again. Has been lot of not caring about hygiene of self or house going on. At this point, I feeling like I need hazmat suit to go into kitchen, and my work not getting done. Is clear is gonna be another day of slothing about. But I put to my mind that this okay because sobriety is “Job 1”! I go to Trader Joe to get healthy grocery (which I do) but while there I think, hmmm, that teeny tiny cup of sample coffee is really quite innocent looking and just maybe right amount to help me get going and get thing done today. And I was right! Was just enough –to flick vulnerable brain switch ON! On to more coffee, to crazy mania brain, to booze!
Just like that.
No, I not blame Trader Joe’s.
I think I has no resolve. Is like my addictions is German sports car on autobahn at 130mph and my resolve is tiny speed bump in road. Yes, there is strong deep kernel of hope and motivation inside me, and I so want to give birth to this, and I push and I push. But there also powerful indoctrination and override toward status quo and using. Most peoples would no consider that teeny tiny cup of coffee to be using. But for me, that USING. Three ounce of freaking coffee is using! Chocolate, tea, spices, herbs, an orange, even smell of lavender is using! I has to accept it. Live with it. I did it with meth OD.
Okay, I talk to you tomorrow. I sorry to disappoint those who rooting for me. I know you still rooting for me and is mean very much to me.
I not really want to talk about it. (see my Crayola rendering) But I promise self from start I gonna come here every day and be true, so I will. I read back of my posts a lot, and maybe other read them too, and I see my progression and lack thereof. And is helpful to me, and maybe to other, even though I falter -a lot- so I gonna keep going.
So, I wake up feeling very ploopy again. Has been lot of not caring about hygiene of self or house going on. At this point, I feeling like I need hazmat suit to go into kitchen, and my work not getting done. Is clear is gonna be another day of slothing about. But I put to my mind that this okay because sobriety is “Job 1”! I go to Trader Joe to get healthy grocery (which I do) but while there I think, hmmm, that teeny tiny cup of sample coffee is really quite innocent looking and just maybe right amount to help me get going and get thing done today. And I was right! Was just enough –to flick vulnerable brain switch ON! On to more coffee, to crazy mania brain, to booze!
Just like that.
No, I not blame Trader Joe’s.
I think I has no resolve. Is like my addictions is German sports car on autobahn at 130mph and my resolve is tiny speed bump in road. Yes, there is strong deep kernel of hope and motivation inside me, and I so want to give birth to this, and I push and I push. But there also powerful indoctrination and override toward status quo and using. Most peoples would no consider that teeny tiny cup of coffee to be using. But for me, that USING. Three ounce of freaking coffee is using! Chocolate, tea, spices, herbs, an orange, even smell of lavender is using! I has to accept it. Live with it. I did it with meth OD. Okay, I talk to you tomorrow. I sorry to disappoint those who rooting for me. I know you still rooting for me and is mean very much to me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,558
Recovery for me is all about making different choices, and reaching out for support to help me make and keep to those choices, Cow.
Maybe posting here before you go to Trader Joes or wherever you feel vulnerable is a good idea in future?
D
Maybe posting here before you go to Trader Joes or wherever you feel vulnerable is a good idea in future?
D
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Play the tape through, Cow. Fast forward to AFTER you've had a drink of coffee or wine or chocolate... Really do the math here. When I saw that 9 times out of 10, spanning my entire drinking career, I was unsuccessful at having "just one" then I knew it meant moderation was never going to work for me. I am wired differently. It is what it is. But life doesn't end there.
Lets start making the choice to say hell no, Cow Hell no to sabotaging your delicate system.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Lets start making the choice to say hell no, Cow
Hell no to sabotaging your delicate system.Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I honestly not know I gonna cave in until I there in store. Is was like flush of excitement, salvation or something come over me. I resist for a while and get my other items, but at this point was already in my mind, was already gonna happen.
But I curious, if I has bump into you at Trader Joe, Dee, what would you has say to me? Here is what I say to my self in slow motion walk up to coffee dispenser: Does you really want to do this? You not has to do this! Stop. Is just habit! This is moment for you to make other choice! This is day you turn away! You make promise with you self just other night to forsake this, what you doing? Turn around! You can do it! Okay, you fill little cup, is okay, leave it on counter. No, okay, throw it out in parking lot. Toss it. Toss it and be free! Oh okay, you taking it home, but if you not really need it, you no drink it, right?! Right. Oh who in f*ck is we kidding, you drinking it.
But I curious, if I has bump into you at Trader Joe, Dee, what would you has say to me? Here is what I say to my self in slow motion walk up to coffee dispenser: Does you really want to do this? You not has to do this! Stop. Is just habit! This is moment for you to make other choice! This is day you turn away! You make promise with you self just other night to forsake this, what you doing? Turn around! You can do it! Okay, you fill little cup, is okay, leave it on counter. No, okay, throw it out in parking lot. Toss it. Toss it and be free! Oh okay, you taking it home, but if you not really need it, you no drink it, right?! Right. Oh who in f*ck is we kidding, you drinking it.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
It helps for me to recognize that flush of excitement as my addict brain's learned response to the prospect of having the substance. I know this may not work for some people, but when I take away the emotionality of it and see it clinically, I then become the higher consciousness or observer from afar... I see it for what it is. A delusion. Nothing more. It's not salvation. My excitement is a maladaptive response, nothing more.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,558
I think it's more about what we say to ourselves and how, while we're arguing with ourselves the fight can be lost.
I know all about internal dialogues in shops. Manys the time I swore I would not drink today and 5 mins later I was literally running down the road to buy some.
I wasn't weak but I was very addicted.
Whenever I argued with myself, I lost. I had to make sure there was no argument.
I had to make plans before hand about what kind of inner dialogues I might have have and how I could counteract those dialogues.
Sometimes I had to go to different shops where temptation was not present.
I know about rituals too - if I had pot I needed alcohol - if I had alcohol I needed cigarettes. Any one of the unholy three might set me off so I had to go off all three.
It took a bit of work, but I really wanted change.
D
I know all about internal dialogues in shops. Manys the time I swore I would not drink today and 5 mins later I was literally running down the road to buy some.
I wasn't weak but I was very addicted.
Whenever I argued with myself, I lost. I had to make sure there was no argument.
I had to make plans before hand about what kind of inner dialogues I might have have and how I could counteract those dialogues.
Sometimes I had to go to different shops where temptation was not present.
I know about rituals too - if I had pot I needed alcohol - if I had alcohol I needed cigarettes. Any one of the unholy three might set me off so I had to go off all three.
It took a bit of work, but I really wanted change.
D
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Maybe buy enough groceries for a week or two so you can hole up in the house and get some days under your belt ? As in, don't leave the f*cking house for any reason for two weeks. Betcha that mess would get cleaned up in the process.
Win win ?
Xo
Win win ?
Xo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Hiya Cow! Did the coffee lead to wine today, or were you able to put on the brakes before you got to the wine? I hope this was the case...that's a success in and of itself. Trader Joe's had the tendency to trigger me, so I avoided it in early days. I loved (and still do love) Farmers Markets, and they don't typically have alcohol for sale anywhere, so I feel safe and happy there. Besides, there is all if that beautiful fresh produce.
Just try to remember to cut yourself some slack Cow...this is very difficult stuff, and many prayers are being said for you. People care, including me. I always come check this thread first thing after I sign in. I love seeing that raspberry text!
Since you're such a good artist (Love the witches feet...My favorite movie of all time) you should try this sometime. Create a drawing/painting featuring your alcoholic voice, in whatever form you choose. Make him/her as horrible and creepy and mean as you can. Place your beloved little cow in AV's clutches, in danger. Now use it to focus some of your rage and fear on. Make copies and find new and different ways to destroy them...fire, ripping to shreds, flushing down toilet. It's just a visualization exercise, but it can be powerful.
Hope to keep hearing from you. Take extra good care of yourself Cow. Talk with you soon.
Just try to remember to cut yourself some slack Cow...this is very difficult stuff, and many prayers are being said for you. People care, including me. I always come check this thread first thing after I sign in. I love seeing that raspberry text!
Since you're such a good artist (Love the witches feet...My favorite movie of all time) you should try this sometime. Create a drawing/painting featuring your alcoholic voice, in whatever form you choose. Make him/her as horrible and creepy and mean as you can. Place your beloved little cow in AV's clutches, in danger. Now use it to focus some of your rage and fear on. Make copies and find new and different ways to destroy them...fire, ripping to shreds, flushing down toilet. It's just a visualization exercise, but it can be powerful.
Hope to keep hearing from you. Take extra good care of yourself Cow. Talk with you soon.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: west Coast
Posts: 71
No, I not blame Trader Joe’s.
I think I has no resolve. Is like my addictions is German sports car on autobahn at 130mph and my resolve is tiny speed bump in road. Yes, there is strong deep kernel of hope and motivation inside me, and I so want to give birth to this, and I push and I push. But there also powerful indoctrination and override toward status quo and using. What a great analogy ---- when this is behind you, you will have one amazing book to write. Just put it on your calendar---in my prayers, you are!
God's work in progress
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 515
We are not disappointed in you, Cow. We get this, more than you know. Been there, done that and got the t-shirt.
Glad you continue to post and be honest, mostly with yourself. That is most important in beginning recovery.
I agree that you may need to avoid trigger situations. Just for now. Stay out of those places where you fear you will lose control. You are too vulnerable right now. Not your fault. Just addiction, plain and simple.
If all you get done for the next couple days, weeks, whatever is "sloth around", that's ok. Give yourself permission to sloth. You've got a bigger project to work on...yourself and your sobriety. All of this is temporary, and it will get better.
xo
Glad you continue to post and be honest, mostly with yourself. That is most important in beginning recovery.
I agree that you may need to avoid trigger situations. Just for now. Stay out of those places where you fear you will lose control. You are too vulnerable right now. Not your fault. Just addiction, plain and simple.
If all you get done for the next couple days, weeks, whatever is "sloth around", that's ok. Give yourself permission to sloth. You've got a bigger project to work on...yourself and your sobriety. All of this is temporary, and it will get better.
xo
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
No-Fault Disease
Addiction seem like total raw deal. Is like a life sentence and you no really even do anything wrong. I been serving almost 40 year. Hard time. Maybe not Shawshank hard, but Brubaker hard. Some days is tolerable. Some days, like today, feel like getting shanked by a chicken hawk in the big yard. Is lot of solitary confinement.
I fall into addiction as coping mechanism when only 8 or 9 year old, and it spiral and take on life of its own. Correction: It take on my life. It take over my life. Some would say that it now prison of my own choosing. Perhaps. Maybe at some point along way, as I grow up, it become my ‘fault’ to continue and I become to blame for miserable shambles of my life. Doesn’t matter either way, because either way, it is become my responsibility.
Sorry, just whining little bit for myself. Okay, whining a lot. Because now I has to summon some freak Herculean strength of resolve within myself to break out this prison. And I not superhero. I not even hero. I actual kind of pipsqueak to tell truth. But I want at least little bit of my life to be more than 'tolerable', so, has to keep at it. ...anybody got pie with file in it?
Addiction seem like total raw deal. Is like a life sentence and you no really even do anything wrong. I been serving almost 40 year. Hard time. Maybe not Shawshank hard, but Brubaker hard. Some days is tolerable. Some days, like today, feel like getting shanked by a chicken hawk in the big yard. Is lot of solitary confinement.
I fall into addiction as coping mechanism when only 8 or 9 year old, and it spiral and take on life of its own. Correction: It take on my life. It take over my life. Some would say that it now prison of my own choosing. Perhaps. Maybe at some point along way, as I grow up, it become my ‘fault’ to continue and I become to blame for miserable shambles of my life. Doesn’t matter either way, because either way, it is become my responsibility.
Sorry, just whining little bit for myself. Okay, whining a lot. Because now I has to summon some freak Herculean strength of resolve within myself to break out this prison. And I not superhero. I not even hero. I actual kind of pipsqueak to tell truth. But I want at least little bit of my life to be more than 'tolerable', so, has to keep at it. ...anybody got pie with file in it?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Not disappointed in you at all, dear Cow! Always cheer leading! You are going to make it! We will never give up on you!Also, for more realistic greens, try lightly layering patches of purple and orange over the various greens. (I see artistic talent there in you and this is my way of nurturing that!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Hi Cow, someone here on SR recently posted a simple sentence which has truly helped me to keep focused (I can't recall the person who posted this sorry)... "Addiction is the only prison where the key to get out is on the inside". I hope you find the key. Only you have the power to unlock that prison door. People are here to help but only you can unlock this door for you...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
