Diary of a Mad Cow
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,672
Some of the worst times of my addiction followed me getting a li'l bit of recovery.
Several times I panicked, big time.
Change terrified me...my drinking life was bad but I knew its parameters intimately...
with recovery everything was new and unfamiliar, and up for grabs...and, it seemed to me, dangerous.
In fact it wasn't really any of those things - but I needed to take the plunge to rteally understand and believe that.
Keep moving forward - you might have run off the asphalt a little, but it's still the right road for you I think
D
Several times I panicked, big time.
Change terrified me...my drinking life was bad but I knew its parameters intimately...
with recovery everything was new and unfamiliar, and up for grabs...and, it seemed to me, dangerous.
In fact it wasn't really any of those things - but I needed to take the plunge to rteally understand and believe that.
Keep moving forward - you might have run off the asphalt a little, but it's still the right road for you I think
D
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Thank you for all kind words and encouragements.
Renarde, yes, little horned toad will steal you heart and make anyone smile, but I could never keep such proud tiny dinosaur in cage. Would break my heart. I not like to see creatures in cage. Always make me sad. Maybe it remind me of my self. My pets is hummingbirds. They not really mine, they free, but they visit me every day. I maybe get dog some day, but would no be responsible to do this until I sober.
TexasMichael, I does look in on other thread. I has started to reply sometime but stop, because I not "know" others and not sure how they take my personality. I easily can offend. I figure if people coming here, they know what they gonna get with the foul language, questionable humor and blunt talking. To be sure, I has absolutely no advices whatsoever on sobriety. Maybe when I actual has some sobriety, I will have advices. I feel best thing I can offer right now is brutal honest depiction of addiction.
D, Saying I "run off the asphalt a little" like saying Titanic had some trouble on way to New York, but always I appreciate you support. I trying not to sink.
Renarde, yes, little horned toad will steal you heart and make anyone smile, but I could never keep such proud tiny dinosaur in cage. Would break my heart. I not like to see creatures in cage. Always make me sad. Maybe it remind me of my self. My pets is hummingbirds. They not really mine, they free, but they visit me every day. I maybe get dog some day, but would no be responsible to do this until I sober.
TexasMichael, I does look in on other thread. I has started to reply sometime but stop, because I not "know" others and not sure how they take my personality. I easily can offend. I figure if people coming here, they know what they gonna get with the foul language, questionable humor and blunt talking. To be sure, I has absolutely no advices whatsoever on sobriety. Maybe when I actual has some sobriety, I will have advices. I feel best thing I can offer right now is brutal honest depiction of addiction.
D, Saying I "run off the asphalt a little" like saying Titanic had some trouble on way to New York, but always I appreciate you support. I trying not to sink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
cow,
I understand what Dee is saying. My experience was the same. Everytime I would get serious about getting sober, the Addiction Beast in my brain would panic. I would find myself in crisis of some sort or another and end up drinking even more. Addiction is a crazy thing.
Please don't give up. have you heard an expression, Chop Wood, Carry Water? See if you can make your life as simple as possible. Be mindful in your daily actions. I would always find some way to blow myself out of control with silly stuff that had Nothng to do with me, really.
know that you have a lot of support here. You deserve a peaceful time.
Love from Lenina
I understand what Dee is saying. My experience was the same. Everytime I would get serious about getting sober, the Addiction Beast in my brain would panic. I would find myself in crisis of some sort or another and end up drinking even more. Addiction is a crazy thing.
Please don't give up. have you heard an expression, Chop Wood, Carry Water? See if you can make your life as simple as possible. Be mindful in your daily actions. I would always find some way to blow myself out of control with silly stuff that had Nothng to do with me, really.
know that you have a lot of support here. You deserve a peaceful time.
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Cow...I have the same reaction to animals of any sort in cages, it haunts me. One day someone with a lot of wisdom suggested that it might bring up something for me, my guess is it probably brings up something for you too......
The animals don't have the keys, but we do. You know the keychains that hold about 4722 keys that you can hear coming from three blocks away? The ones that clip on your back pocket so everyone knows you are mucho importanto?
The fact is we are trippin' over keys......just have to decide which one to use!
The animals don't have the keys, but we do. You know the keychains that hold about 4722 keys that you can hear coming from three blocks away? The ones that clip on your back pocket so everyone knows you are mucho importanto?
The fact is we are trippin' over keys......just have to decide which one to use!
God's work in progress
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 515
Surrender...the point at which the terrifying "unknown" becomes more appealing than the horrific "unknown".
What surrender is NOT...it is NOT admitting defeat.
It is opening oneself up to the universe, and no longer resisting change. Accepting that there must be something better out there, and conceding that we don't always have all the answers.
The moment I fully surrendered, my recovery began.
I hope you will surrender soon, Cow...
Sending love and hugs
xo
What surrender is NOT...it is NOT admitting defeat.
It is opening oneself up to the universe, and no longer resisting change. Accepting that there must be something better out there, and conceding that we don't always have all the answers.
The moment I fully surrendered, my recovery began.
I hope you will surrender soon, Cow...
Sending love and hugs
xo
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,889
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Some of the worst times of my addiction followed me getting a li'l bit of recovery.
Several times I panicked, big time.
Change terrified me...my drinking life was bad but I knew its parameters intimately...
with recovery everything was new and unfamiliar, and up for grabs...and, it seemed to me, dangerous.
In fact it wasn't really any of those things - but I needed to take the plunge to rteally understand and believe that.
D
Several times I panicked, big time.
Change terrified me...my drinking life was bad but I knew its parameters intimately...
with recovery everything was new and unfamiliar, and up for grabs...and, it seemed to me, dangerous.
In fact it wasn't really any of those things - but I needed to take the plunge to rteally understand and believe that.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Originally Posted by Lenina
cow,
I understand what Dee is saying. My experience was the same. Everytime I would get serious about getting sober, the Addiction Beast in my brain would panic. I would find myself in crisis of some sort or another and end up drinking even more. Addiction is a crazy thing.
Please don't give up. have you heard an expression, Chop Wood, Carry Water? See if you can make your life as simple as possible. Be mindful in your daily actions. I would always find some way to blow myself out of control with silly stuff that had Nothng to do with me, really.
know that you have a lot of support here. You deserve a peaceful time.
Love from Lenina
I understand what Dee is saying. My experience was the same. Everytime I would get serious about getting sober, the Addiction Beast in my brain would panic. I would find myself in crisis of some sort or another and end up drinking even more. Addiction is a crazy thing.
Please don't give up. have you heard an expression, Chop Wood, Carry Water? See if you can make your life as simple as possible. Be mindful in your daily actions. I would always find some way to blow myself out of control with silly stuff that had Nothng to do with me, really.
know that you have a lot of support here. You deserve a peaceful time.
Love from Lenina
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Humans is worst mistake evolution ever make.
Not really feel like talking today. Feeling quite a bit of "species shame." I unnerve and disturb both by my own recent Shock and Awe alcoholic rampage, and also very much by numerous mass casualty violence in world over last couple days. Is all very disheartening, and remind me of this which I write for my Ima Cow show:
Not really feel like talking today. Feeling quite a bit of "species shame." I unnerve and disturb both by my own recent Shock and Awe alcoholic rampage, and also very much by numerous mass casualty violence in world over last couple days. Is all very disheartening, and remind me of this which I write for my Ima Cow show:
Is ridiculous to speak of such thing as senseless violence, Dalai. Humans is violent creatures, with long history of violences, they culture has always offer violence as entertainments, they spend many efforts to invent new & improve way to inflicts violence, and they make for easy access to weapon of violence. Thus, that violence occur, pretty much make perfect f*cking sense, no? Listen Dalai, human has make for they own chickens and now those chickens coming home to roost, only chickens can no even make it home, because violent humans has rip off they legs and deep fried them, you see? But is okay, because only in darkness, shall human see light. Only when they all paralyze by random bullet, shall they truly dance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 350
Çatalhöyük
My favorite city of all time, MC. It existed from approximately 7500 BC to 5700 BC. It is the largest and best-preserved Neolithic site found to date. I've been following this excavation since the '90s because of three very interesting facts.
A) God was a woman to these people
B) During the 1500 years they have excavated, they have not found one weapon of war, nor any evidence of defensive construction
C) Men and women appear to be equal in all regards in this city
D) There is very little difference in wealth between all of the inhabitants
It is one of the few examples in history that we know of where we were good to each other in real and important ways.
Gives me some hope that maybe someday we will go back to living in love. I believe living in love is our real nature.
Peace.
A) God was a woman to these people
B) During the 1500 years they have excavated, they have not found one weapon of war, nor any evidence of defensive construction
C) Men and women appear to be equal in all regards in this city
D) There is very little difference in wealth between all of the inhabitants
It is one of the few examples in history that we know of where we were good to each other in real and important ways.
Gives me some hope that maybe someday we will go back to living in love. I believe living in love is our real nature.
Peace.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
To be clear, I not a 'situational' alcoholic. I not anymore drink because of something stressful or upsetting happen. Yes, when young, but my drinking now is brain chemistry compulsion. So, I not feel to numb self over state of world. Plus also, as anhedonic, I pretty numb in general already, but is hard to watch news lately and not be dishearten over what human species has continue to manifest throughout it history.
We so total denatured is amazing to me. We only species who is willful destroying it own habitats and environments, willful destroying other species, willful jeopardizing own self and planet even! Unlike any other species, we kill over ideas and egos. I not blame human, it not our fault that we develops that little extra glob of neocortex that f*ck our sh*t up. We invent some cool stuff, like ballet, spaceflight and Manchego cheese, but our downside REALLY BIG. So I say, "Cheers to you human! No feel bad. You has a good run!" But honestly, I hope Earth shake us off like fleas before we destroys her.
We so total denatured is amazing to me. We only species who is willful destroying it own habitats and environments, willful destroying other species, willful jeopardizing own self and planet even! Unlike any other species, we kill over ideas and egos. I not blame human, it not our fault that we develops that little extra glob of neocortex that f*ck our sh*t up. We invent some cool stuff, like ballet, spaceflight and Manchego cheese, but our downside REALLY BIG. So I say, "Cheers to you human! No feel bad. You has a good run!" But honestly, I hope Earth shake us off like fleas before we destroys her.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Cow, you is right. We are nothing but fleas. But we are here and maybe we belong here, too? Even fleas have their place in the ecosystem. We can only follow our own path and do what we can do: Take care of our own stuff. And not add to the infernal mess out there. There are many, many good people trying hard. Think about them, too. Love to you.
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