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09-02-2013, 08:41 PM

# 266 (permalink)

Woe is Moo.

Join Date: Aug 2013

Posts: 2,746

Labor Day: Cuz giving birth to sobriety is a bitch!

I not really want to talk about it. (see my Crayola rendering) But I promise self from start I gonna come here every day and be true, so I will. I read back of my posts a lot, and maybe other read them too, and I see my progression and lack thereof. And is helpful to me, and maybe to other, even though I falter -a lot- so I gonna keep going.

So, I wake up feeling very ploopy again. Has been lot of not caring about hygiene of self or house going on. At this point, I feeling like I need hazmat suit to go into kitchen, and my work not getting done. Is clear is gonna be another day of slothing about. But I put to my mind that this okay because sobriety is “Job 1”! I go to Trader Joe to get healthy grocery (which I do) but while there I think, hmmm, that teeny tiny cup of sample coffee is really quite innocent looking and just maybe right amount to help me get going and get thing done today. And I was right! Was just enough –to flick vulnerable brain switch ON! On to more coffee, to crazy mania brain, to booze!

Just like that.

No, I not blame Trader Joe’s.

I think I has no resolve. Is like my addictions is German sports car on autobahn at 130mph and my resolve is tiny speed bump in road. Yes, there is strong deep kernel of hope and motivation inside me, and I so want to give birth to this, and I push and I push. But there also powerful indoctrination and override toward status quo and using. Most peoples would no consider that teeny tiny cup of coffee to be using. But for me, that USING. Three ounce of freaking coffee is using! Chocolate, tea, spices, herbs, an orange, even smell of lavender is using! I has to accept it. Live with it. I did it with meth OD.

Okay, I talk to you tomorrow. I sorry to disappoint those who rooting for me. I know you still rooting for me and is mean very much to me.

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