Day Two - do my feelings still count? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 11-22-2011, 01:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Day Two - do my feelings still count?


I feel good to be on day two but my problems with my husband are still there. He just left to go stay with his parents because I'm still upset he told them about my problem. I can't say anything without him saying that I'm trying to turn my problem on him. We've talked so much about his feelings in the past few days and he does have a right to his feelings, I put him through the ringer. I know this is as hard for him as it is for me. Has anyone experienced the same thing? Do you feel like nothing you say will ever be considered valid because you have a problem?
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Old 11-22-2011, 02:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I can't say that I have experienced what you have. But I have found it extremely enlightening to pop over to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum and read about the havoc alcohol wreaks in the lives of our loved ones. The cyber equivilant of "walking a mile in their shoes" so to speak.

One thing stands out. It is what we do that is being measured, not what we say. You have to earn back the trust. Good luck.
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Old 11-22-2011, 02:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Yes, I have experienced similar feelings. My husband won't come right and say it but I know I lost his trust. Several years back we went through the argument stage, however we found it got neither of us anywhere. My husband has gone the opposite direction now and ignores my problem. This is hard because I look to him for support and don't find it. I keep asking, why can't you be strong for me. His response is he doesn't want to be attacked by the grizzly bear. He is right. I try to defend my actions when in truth there is no justification for my drinking. I know I lost his trust and I have broken him down to the point where he does not want to confront me. I know he can't do this for me. I have to, but it's hard to face the fact that "I" have broken his trust. I hope someday I can earn it back.
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Old 11-22-2011, 02:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I'd certainly give it some time harleyq - this is gonna take more than 2 days to sort out.

I haven't an experience like yours...I did sort out my relationships though, & it took a while and like Doggone said it was down to what I did, not what I said....

I just had to focus on my recovery - if people were looking, they could see I'd changed, and they responded from there.

As far as him telling his family...what's done can't be undone.
You'll have to come to some kind of peace with that, I think.

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Old 11-22-2011, 02:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks all! thanks Dee! You are right. it's done and I don't want to hold on to this excuse. I think right now I have to focus on myself and then make peace with him when I'm in a good place
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Old 11-22-2011, 03:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Your feelings definitely count .. they always count.

I don't have anything constructive to add to the above.. but I wanted to lend my support. Focus on your recovery. With your husband at his parents' place, now might be a great time to clean and tidy the house, and yourself (not that I have any indication that you or your house need tidying! lol - I'm just thinking "if it were me") ... Maybe even get your hair done, rearrange a few things, put the bedroom in order, etc. Don't say anything about anything .. let him notice .. but don't point anything out if he doesn't notice. Do those things for you.

I found that, as I recovered, having myself and my rooms in order really really REALLY helped me feel good about myself and the changes I was beginning to make. It is also an opportunity to "let actions speak louder than words".

I don't know your situation.. but these are things that made me feel good being me ... so maybe they'll somehow help in your situation with hubby...

In any event... (hugs) to you. Hold on and keep on moving forward. Make everything you do a positive step for you.
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Old 11-22-2011, 03:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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thanks switchboard and thanks all. I'm a clean freak and always get distracted by cleaning house/cleaning the house. So I'm going to tidy for a bit and rearrange the bedroom and kitchen. That will keep me busy all night.
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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my god. I am told it's me and I'm 'in denial and not getting help.' I just had my first OP. I am humbled enough. I suck. will I never have ground to stand on? I am getting help. I have a PROBLEM and I know it and own it. what more can I do??
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Harley, I really think you need to put the focus on yourself and your recovery. Your husband is going through something right now and his actions have upset you. You can't afford to let yourself get caught up in stuff like that. Put the focus back on you. Allow your husband to see the changes in you as weeks go by.
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Old 11-22-2011, 05:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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harleyq,

It will take some time to earn back trust. I know it is difficult, but from my experience, it is best to just let those things go for now and focus on getting and staying sober. It may seem like a really bad thing that someone blames you for problems, but there is a flip-side to that. If you own up to things, once you do get yourself better and things improve, you will also be given credit for fixing them. Interestingly, the worse things are now, the bigger the improvement when it finally comes, and the more people will come to appreciate your efforts.
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Old 11-22-2011, 06:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Harleyq,
Whatever difficulties in your life and in your marriage did not happen overnight. It will take time for recovery and healing. Two days is just a beginning. Be kind to yourself. You don't "suck". You have an illness known as alcoholism. It isn't a matter of character; it is a matter of chemistry, how your body processes alcohol. What more can you do? Focus on recovery, on getting healthy. That is your primary responsibility right now.
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Old 11-22-2011, 06:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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In the beginning I wanted to keep my drinking problem from other family members and DHs parents but the irony is they already knew. I think we hold on to this "secret" because we don't want the problem to be real - denial. Or maybe we are hoping it really isn't a problem and we will go back to being a normal drinker. Most likely he told them because he needs support. Can you really blame him?
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I was so confused with my feelings the first several months that sorting them out was impossible. Shame was big... Like somehow I had invalidated everything... That I had compromised my integrity so much that things would never ever be OK, that I couldn't be the man I wanted to be.

Turns out I was wrong.

Feelings are not to be trusted early on. Get recovered. Worry about that, about you... This other stuff will work out... Just not the first couple of days. Hang in there !!
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Whenever I am in my first few days of getting sober, I get nit picky towards my girlfriend. It's kind of like since I am being nit pick over myself, then I nit pick her life. Pretty dumb. Then I get extremely suspicious, I get paranoid. It sucks, but at least I know it's happening.
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Old 11-22-2011, 09:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Wait, he left because he told his parents? I remember hearing the first part of the story, but I would think you would be the one to have the right to be pissed and go stay somewhere else rather than him... I dunno, not my place to judge your relationship, but it sounds a little backwards to me...

Anyways, when I first got sober it was a time of pretty intense emotions both for me and by extension for my housemates. I ended up changing my living situation, but I have pretty much patched things up with my former roomies and we're on good terms. They have a right to be angry at me because of the selfish behavior I exhibited during the last year or so of my addiction, but they're forgiving people.

I think for most people who know us and love us, although in the short run they may be upset or confused or unsure how to act, ultimately if they really care about us they will come to support us in our efforts to stay sober and hopefully will demonstrate that they are happy with the decisions we've made. I'm sure things will be the same with your husband if you give it some time.
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Old 11-23-2011, 05:19 AM   #16 (permalink)
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My SO saw my drinking as a character flaw. When I finally quit, he wanted no part of me talking about my feelings. It was always "you lied, you did this, you hurt me this way." I came to the conclusion that I am going to be 100% alone in this. I go on SR for support. I am doing this for me. I know this is very difficult to deal with alone and the emotional term-oil added to it makes it worse. You will find that every day you are sober, it will be easier to handle. Just hang in there and stay sober.
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Old 11-23-2011, 08:20 AM   #17 (permalink)
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"Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job -- wife or no wife -- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God." (Big Book, 1st ed.)

In your case, husband or no husband -- but basically, it seems to me that your focus is turned in the wrong direction. Your feelings do count, and so do your husband's, but as long as you're focused on either, I think your recovery will suffer. Do what you have to do to stay sober, regardless of how supported or alone you feel. The Big Book also talks about how even justified anger is a luxury that the alcoholic cannot afford. I don't mean to sound preachy, but please don't let this situation derail your recovery.

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