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Bracing myself...

Old 03-31-2010, 11:54 AM
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Bracing myself...

Bank holiday Friday and Monday in UK coming up. I guess that has been adding to why I feel so p*ssed off and deep into my own head at the moment.

Life is beginning to seem like a Ball-ache and bind at times again and it's hard to not be able to get blasted on bank holidays/holidays.

I am just feeling like nothing really appeals to me at all or fills me with enthusiasm. Like any event, not that I have any coming up anyway, appeals to me whatsoever.

I just feel like I don;t want to let all of these feelings get to the stage where I am just in meltdown but I ain;t even hit Bank holiday yet and I am just fed up at the moment with no excitment or thrill to look forward to... Like evrybody else I see has there life so sorted but mine consists of work, saving for my future and recovery. Like is this how it should be at 9 motnhs? Am I trying to think outside the day too much?

It just feels at times like life is turning into groundhog day and becoming mundane. I know that when i was drinking/drugging it was like that but I used to reallly look forward to my binges. I cannot get that anticipation about anything really now and everything I would have wanted to go to/watch is off limits because it just sadde3ns me that I can't at least drink without knowing that I'm an alcoholic. Like music festivals, camping holidays, infact pretty much anything a 24 year old would want to go to just has lost it's appealing 'magic sparkle' knowing that I would have to be sober when eveyone else doesn;t have to be.

Just getting it out there... I'm bracing myself for this weekend but I feel sorry for my Mom as I don;t want to get her down by wingeing and moaning but I can;t help it as I'm just bored. Also I don't know how to proceed with a future outside of work and recovery. It feels at times like I have everything but I am just short-circuited or something. Is it really all worth it?

It's bloody hard at times, I think the fact that there aren;t any other young people in recovery is hard too and also that AA meetings are in churches really puts a downer on the whole thing for me too.

Oh well, Get my head down and soldier on, nothing else I can do really...

I guess I can anticipate the 'token' responses that some will post but I have thought about that and come to the conclusion that I ain't gonna not post as posting where I was at previously and getting some genuine responses from people, rather than just pre-meditated rhetoric, really helped me keep sober. That to me is what matters so I'lm post where I'm at. I'm sure I ain't the only one who feels like this but some are probably scared to post for fear of the same responses coming back to them.
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Old 03-31-2010, 12:08 PM
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NEO.. i Hear Ya Buddy.. Don't Let Yourself Start Playing Too Far From Today Thats When The Trouble Starts For Me!
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Old 03-31-2010, 12:19 PM
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Hey Neo, I get where you are coming from (I was once 24 too you know ;-). You have done a great job of staying sober & growing & I guess its time for you to find your passions in things again.

What kind if things did you use to like doing or are you interested in? For me I have started mountain biking again & the rush of hitting some of the trails I ride at high speeds is pretty sweet. I have also picked up my guitars again in the last few weeks & cranking up my Gibson Les Paul & making some noise for my neighbors is far from boring hehe.

I find the late night evening hours to be the toughest to deal with. I have been watching a ton of movies & TV shows on a free website to keep me occupied & away from some of my thoughts for a while.

Have you made any straight friends in AA who like concerts/music? Maybe you could get together & head out for a show somewhere. This sounds like a great time for you to explore your passions again with an open mind & see what you find gets you going.

You have worked far to hard & come too far to have your recovery end in a place of boredom. Get out there & give yourself the freedom to try new things in new places & see what sticks. You deserve it!

Your recovery & story has been an inspiration to me & many others here. Dont forget to let it continue to be an inspiration to you too

All of the best Neo & keep us updated on your weekend. We are always here for you.

Peace,

NB
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Old 03-31-2010, 12:23 PM
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Hey Neo ~

No rhetoric just an observation my friend...did you see how many I's are in your post?

This not an assault and I have no interest in being confrontational - just saying that when an emotional, mental dump contains alot of I's it's time to consider what's really going on with the poor me's.

Surely there must be less fortunate people whose day you could brighten - perhaps those who don't have jobs and therefore don't have a 'holiday' - it's just another day, really.

Step outside yourself - easier said than done sometimes, I know - but it's better than the alternative, my friend.
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Old 03-31-2010, 12:28 PM
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I am an old guy... and, well, I had some tough going around nine months, too. It was summertime, there were some good outdoor concerts going on down in Philadelphia.... well, I just had to get through it... trust in knowing that there is meaning in everything and that it would get better.

It did.

Mark
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Old 03-31-2010, 12:43 PM
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Hi Neo,

I was going to send this privately, but maybe somebody else reading can get some use from it as well.

I've been watching your posts over the past 9 months. There has been a lot of growth in my opinion. Having only limited knowledge of you through your posts, I try to be encouraging where I can, and also try to point out a few things that have helped me along the way.

It's not my place to judge or evaluate your progress. I will share my observations in the hope that they may be useful.

Some of your posts are full of wonder and excitement and seem to speak of spiritual growth. And some of your posts seem to indicate that you are staying away from the 1st drink without a lot of emphasis on any spiritual growth.

Even after some time sober, I don't do a very good job at evaluating my own feelings. I'm just not very reliable at being able to depend solely on what I feel. It's good information, but not always 100% accurate for how I'm really doing. Likewise, the feedback from others with whom I have spiritual consent is great information, but not always enough for me.

What I do is consider my feelings, consider the feedback of trusted friends, and then I look at my actions.

Am I seeking the will of a higher power? Every day? Am I growing that concious contact? Am I continuing to take inventory? Am I current on all amends that need made? Am I of service to others? How much time did I spend today thinking about ME as opposed to thinking of where I could be useful?

If I ask myself these questions, I can usually tell if I'm off track or just in a bit of a funk for a few days. The funk can come and go. If I'm doing the actions, things always work out. If I'm not, then I'd better get busy.

I know that even after a very powerful experience with taking the Steps for the 1st time, there was more work I had to do. I repeated that process within my 1st year of sobriety, seeing new truth in my inventory, becoming willing to make amends I had missed the 1st time around.

Approaching the Steps from a place of sobriety and serenity was a different experience than approaching them out of desperation. But it was no less valuable.
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Old 03-31-2010, 04:14 PM
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Hey neo, groundhog day boring an mundane self destructive an emotionally tormented, this has been my life with Alcohol..8 months wow wish i could have been half as smart at your age..i hate holiday times christmas easter the whole lot ,sundays..anytime when the workdays stop..i began to have a lot of creepin temptations..an to much time to wallow, an rationalize as to why it will be ok to drink...as everyone else is chillin an havin fun..has always been the times ive fallen, and back onto a bender..in fact anytime im left with too much time on my hands to think of me an only me...hope you have a great weekend...stay strong..am lookin to follow your good example.
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Old 03-31-2010, 04:28 PM
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Hi Neo,

I hope that you can find something in your life that you love. I was very 'lucky' to find a volunteer opportunity at the very beginning of my recovery, that helped me enormously. It got me involved in something bigger than myself and it became something I was very passionate about.

I wish you well, Neo!
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Old 03-31-2010, 04:49 PM
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Neo, when I think about this, I feel junior to you about addiction/recovery issues and like a fogey when it comes to the "I want to have fun" issues. Seems like I can't win.

I noticed you mention something about canned rhetoric the other day, not sure where, and I hoped I wasn't being fake in anything I said to somebody. Sometimes I think I am getting in over my head, but I like to give it a try and reply to somebody anyway. I edit and press cancel a lot too.

I could easily paste back at you your posts where you talked about why "It Will Be Worth It" as the final line. Not necessarily my style either to build cases and provide links in this situation. That was one of the posts that I went back to a few times a couple of weeks ago, by the way. I think some brat came in and made fun of the part about sitting in a church for the meetings, and I wished I could have zapped him off the site, but I just let it go (he got zapped anyway).

I am one of the last people on earth to figure out how to solve the boredom question, ha ha, no matter which demographic you fit into. I know it doesn't do any good to say that you should cherish the boredom. I guess from a logical perpective, what you need to do is what has already been suggested, and that is getting more non-user people in your age group in your midst. Maybe you can come up with some ideas through serendipity, where you least expected to find them. I know I didn't expect to like seeing the word "neomarxist," ha ha. I won't be that much use to you on the spiritual development side of things either, but I wonder if there is more to be learned about why there is no magical sparkle for the things you like(d) without alcohol. It can't be just because your peers/contemporaries get to partake in alcohol without hurting/destroying themselves, can it?

I don't know what kind of magic sparkle to put into my picture either, but I am happy with the thought that I'm not giving alcohol power and that I have better choices to make. I just need to work on what I can choose, to work on my own boredom issues.

Do you participate in writing lyrics? Or are you more about prose and journal-ish stuff? Would you share it with a group of some kind (non-users, one would hope). I know you want to be true to yourself, but that process does not mean you can never find out more that just has not been cultivated. (I am proof of that in some ways; there are two separate blocks of people that know me, those who would have no idea I would be outgoing, those who would not believe I am anything but a "people person." I cultivated that in my work experience, and now I am both an inward person AND a gregarious person - I don't just write to people anonymously online, though I am in a recharger phase now.) And I can get the "edge" feeling without alcohol, my ex-fake-friend.

Does it do you any good to think out what else would energize you?
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Old 03-31-2010, 08:55 PM
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Hey, Neo. I have no real insight here, being only 11 days sober at this point, and I'm the last one who should be dishing out advice, but I have found that on some days I'm stronger and can start thinking/planning ahead a bit while on other days, the thought of giving up drinking for the rest of my life seems rather depressing. That is where the "one day at a time" mentality seems to help me. Today is the ONLY day I have to worry about. The rest will work itself out. In fact, I'm grateful to you for saying similar words to me in one of my weaker moments on here.

I went through a similar phase this week where I felt I wanted to be "edgy"and could not. I seem to be coming out of it now with a little more inner peace and calm, so I think sometimes you have to ride it out like a wave (which it sounds like you are planning to do.)

Hang in there and know that we're all here for you.
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Old 03-31-2010, 09:03 PM
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Hey, Neo....you know...I think it's totally okay to feel this way.... feeling things like this sober, you have to learn how to deal with it (anyway, I did). FWIW, I don't think it's boredom that has you bugged, I think it's learning how to feel.

I think I've learned....that I had to relearn a lot as to how I feel and/or react to things. Not a damn thing wrong with that.

I think you're doing awesome. I so applaud you doing this in your youth...I wish I would have been smart enough to do it.

So glad you are here, Neo.
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Old 03-31-2010, 11:26 PM
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Hey Neomarxist, at 27 I'm not too much older than you. Even though I dont know you, I'm proud of you making it to 9 months. I cant speak for the older people here but for me, getting sober in the your 20's is extremely difficult because our generation correlates fun with drinking. I'm sure people talk about "sober fun" and what not but to be honest, "sober fun" just doesnt excite me. When I FIRST started drinking, I loved the effects of alcohol. It was like growing 6 inches on my dong. Sorry if that grossed people out. However, things started to get out of control. What started out as fun began to turn into negative consequences. I'm sure many people can relate to this.

Fast forward to 14 months ago, my family insisted that I go to rehab and I did. I learned the what nots and the "tools" to put into my toolbox. Before going in, I had already went in and out of AA so it was nothing new to me. When I left rehab, I started trying to do that 90 in 90 stuff and I think I probably made 10 meetings in 10 days. You are probably expecting to hear that I went out and drank on the 11th or the 12th day. Nope, I didnt. I actually stayed sober for 10 months. During those 10 months, it was exactly what you mentioned in your post. Things were mundane and BORING. I ended up just hanging out with myself and trying to occupy my free time with individual things. With whatever friends I had, I tried to hangout with them but it just didnt feel the same. So during these 10 months, I didnt go to AA, I didnt get a sponsor but I didnt drink. I felt like I was being punished for the rest of my life. When I was in rehab, my roommate, who was a surgeon, told me to be careful and not turn into a "dry drunk". I was like yeah yeah yeah.... I wont. "I dont ever want to be in this crap again."

When I relapsed on New Years, I started where I left off 10 months ago. It only took 2 full months before I gave up and got tired. This time, I knew I had a problem but my thinking was that I'll just keep going until I decide to really quit and start from there since I already relapsed. Well things came to a halt pretty fast. I'm fortunate that nothing legally happened. I burned a few friendships but ultimately, I was just drowning in my own prison.

I look back at my 10 month sobriety and I know what I did wrong. The whole time, I had been doing it my way. I didnt even do it partially their way. I completely did it my way so I was doomed from the beginning. I really related to your post when I first read it but I wasnt sure if I was going to respond since I only have 30 days. I ended up going to the gym and thought about it and now I'm responding. In my opinion, I think you are in a danger zone right now. When I was in the "boredom" phase of my 10 month sobriety, my alcoholic mind started to rationalize LITTLE by LITTLE. It wasnt a split decision that I should go out drinking instead, it just crept little by little until the day that I relapsed. That is how cunning and baffling this disease is.

To be honest, I dont really have a set answer or advice for you. I'm just sharing with you with what happened to me. If you are in AA and have a sponsor then I would suggest that you be honest and share exactly what you shared in this post with them. If i'm interpreting this incorrectly, I do apologize for saying that you are in the danger zone and commenting like this.
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Old 03-31-2010, 11:59 PM
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1) Pissing your life away
2) Getting involved with sober recovery and getting a life you always dreamed of

Neo, there are young people's meetings and events all around...is there one close to you that you can take a look at?

With much love,
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Old 04-01-2010, 02:49 AM
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Hey Neo well done on going so long mate. Im 26 and am on my 4th day, also facing our UK easter bank holiday. Its going to be tough bro, but keep it up!
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Old 04-01-2010, 12:23 PM
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Thanks everyone for the replies. Some great inspiring messages there and they really helped me.

Felt a lot better today about everything. Someone asked me just before I left work tonight what my plans for this bank holiday weekend and I replied simply "staying sober mate". They are my plans. Of course I will do other stuff and just generally enjoy chilling but for me I am an alcoholic so sobriety has to be my NO1 priority.

In relation to any "danger zone" I make sure that I get my thoughts out here on SR and voila, reality check and things get sorted out in my mind! I love many of the responses and have got a lot out of them, so thankyou.

I think there is a tendency to try to undermine all of the successes that I have actually made on my part in sobriety. That is my self-jeopardising personality coming out I guess, but i recognise it and get it all outthere.

I felt a lot better today and don;t foresee any problems with staying sober one day at a time as per usual! Grateful for that again.

I can relate to my feelings/psyche being like a wave, in sobriety I find that these "funks" rear their head at times but once you are through them the feelings you get is fantastic and full of such clarity and peace.

It really helps too to know that I have inspired people and I am gonna keep on inspiring! I have lost too much through drink and drugs already at 24 to let that bitch ever back into my life again!!

I have too much to give this world than to crawl up in a ball of self-pity and just drink myself to oblivion all alone. Been there done that and got sober.

Thanks again to everyone at SR who has helped me more than you will know...

Peace and Love to all xx
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Old 04-01-2010, 02:48 PM
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Hey Neo
Your threads over the last few months have been pretty inspirational. I've got a decade or two more than you but admire your guts in taking this decision to stop drinking. The fact that you've decided to do this at 24 shows a huge measure of responsibility and belief in yourself.
As a former very social drinker who started at 17 and stopped only recently, i have also been been left wondering what i'm going to do with all this time (especially over holidays). One thing has been essential for me ... to move from my circle of drinking friends and daily pub rounds to sane, coherent activities that did not involve physical injury, brain damage, or horrendous hangovers. There are some cool things to do if you really look for them, and it looks like you'll find them. Anyway, just wanted to wish you the best on the road ahead...(:
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Old 04-01-2010, 03:13 PM
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Hey Neo

there's a lot of folks here living life as testament to the fact sobriety shouldn't be something that needs to be endured, and it needn't be a trial.

I'm with Anna - I really hope you find something you love..
Don't stop looking til you find it mate

D
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Old 04-02-2010, 12:11 PM
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Still Sober.
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Old 04-02-2010, 02:42 PM
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My friend, I have been readng this thread but didn't know what to say that might help (didn't want to give a "token" response ) I'm old enough to be your mum, and only got sober myself 2 yrs. ago. Therefore, I respect & admire your courage in facing your addiction at 24. I was so blind. I kept trying to control it so I could continue partying and numbing myself. My inability to see where I was headed created chaos in my life & could have led to tragedy. You are no longer living that way. Please be proud of yourself for that.

As for the boredom and feelings of futility - I had them on and off for the first year. Although I was relieved to not have hangovers and chaos in my life, I would also think, "Is that all there is?". For what it's worth, those feelings have now quieted down. Most days I'm thankful to be clear headed and feeling life, not being numb. In the end, I never knew where drinking was going to take me. I ended up in some very dangerous situations & couldn't risk it anymore. I know you don't want to go back to living that way.

The first year I was sober, every time a holiday came along I'd feel resentment. That has all faded now. In the early days, I was resigned to the fact that I couldn't pick up again. Yet as others have said, it isn't resignation we're looking for - but joy and happiness. It came back for me - one day it was just there. (Easy for me to say, as an older person, I know.) I acknowledge how you feel and respect it. I just want you to know you're still at the beginning of this journey, and you won't stay in this phase forever.
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Old 04-02-2010, 05:49 PM
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Millions of us not using this holiday Neo, you mneed never feel alone
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