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You cannot toast! And other wierd things

Old 03-03-2010, 04:00 PM
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You cannot toast! And other wierd things

I am new here. And I am pretty new to really working on sobriety. This time I want it to stick.

I was at a friend's house drinking a soda the other night..when another friend came in. She poured herself a wine, and started to make a toast to something...and she held her glass up to "clink" with the other 4 people at the table..and I raised my glass up to clink hers, when she started to move her glass towards me to do the ritual clinking of my glass, then stopped herself midway and then said, "oh, no...never mind."

That threw me, and I said, "Muriel, just because I am drinking soda, I cannot join in the toast!??!!" And I proceeded to clink her glass.

I guess some people just do not know what to do. It upset me at first, but now I think it's just strange and a bit comical.

As a newbie to sobriety I guess I will be running into a lot of little strange actions on the part of friends...probably particularly drinking friends.

Anyone want to join any other stories, funny or stupid, or downright crazy and drink tempting kind of actions or words from friends/acquaintances now that you have stopped drinking, and how you handled them?
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Old 03-03-2010, 04:06 PM
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It's the thought that makes the toast....
certainly not the liquid. Good for you!

Glad you are continueing your sober lifestyle
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Old 03-03-2010, 04:34 PM
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Hound, I notice you have felt a range of things about this incident. I griped about one of my own here. Not identical at all, but still part of the overall topic of "now that I am not drinking and others still are and the baggage amongst all of us"...that conflict I can't name right this moment. It's good that you have switched perceptions of it, and you probably have gone around a few times with it. I did when dealing with mine. I think it took 5 days before I could feel the dust settle on that one, ha ha.

Umpteen times there are non-alcoholic drinks in the picture for a toast occasion, many times without glass.

It's a hassle to contend with stuff like this, this feeling like we are from outer space and not in the club. Well, remember you belong to a club of your own and you made a good choice! That's what I tell myself so far.
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Old 03-03-2010, 04:37 PM
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I find I'm a little clumsy - it's actually dangerous for me to clink LOL.
I just raise my glass - of whatever non alcoholic beverage is in it at the time.

If people have problems with that, it's none of my business really

D
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:01 PM
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Houndheart. Congrats on your choice. I've had similar experiences and that I also found frustrating. It didn't take long after I quit to realize that a lot of my activities with friends and family basically revolved around drinking. They still offer me beer or mixed drinks as if this may be the time that I "reconsider". There are also their little comments like "I hate to drink alone" or "you used to be fun". Maybe it's just my bull headedness but that just makes me all the more set in my ways to not give in....especially not for them since they seem to be trying to pressure me.
Like I said, these are good friends and family. I don't consider it a threat and am not tempted by their behavior but it is curious behavior indeed. I think some of them are afraid of their own drinking situation and maybe my decision causes them some personal discomfort. I can't control that either. Hopefully I'll be there for them if they decide to consider abstaining.

Anyway, I'm pretty new here and havn't posted much. Thanks for giving me a reason and motivation to vent. I was blessed by your post.
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:08 PM
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I can certianly relate to this feeling. Although I am still on 'the fence' about how to go about my recovery (harm reduction, abstinace, etc...), I know that these things will become an issue among those in my family.

You see, we are drinkers, all of us. We are European and it will be noticed and asked about when I say 'no thanks' - I'm not ready to have that conversation with anyone and don't know down the road what I will do when it happens. Perhaps this is one of those 'one day at a time' moments for me and I should just stick to what I can handle today and not worry about the future....however, isn't worry one of the symptoms of what we all deal with??? Hmmmm....seems like a tight place to me and I'm not sure how to package all those thoughts into productive compartments. Urgh. I feel your frustration.
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:35 PM
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At my daughter's wedding, I made a speech and raised a glass of water to toast her.
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:35 PM
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That's weird. I never thought a toast had anything to do with what type of beverage you're drinking (unless I have completely missed something over the years). As long as you have a beverage, toasting should be no problem!
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I find I'm a little clumsy - it's actually dangerous for me to clink LOL.
I just raise my glass - of whatever non alcoholic beverage is in it at the time.

If people have problems with that, it's none of my business really

D
Dee, I am finding this very curious, and kinda cool what you said about "it's none of my business really".

I think I am very sensitive to what folks think of me, probably overly so..and I have been told by some that I am "too thin skinned". I think that this oversensitivity at times was one of my triggers to drink. I am trying to get to understand your point about what people think is not your business anyway. That puts a whole new spin on it for me. And I suppose if I could get to that perspective that I might be a whole lot better off along the road. Thanks for giving me food for thought.
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Old 03-03-2010, 06:31 PM
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A saying I have heard several times in AA is this: "what other people think of me is none of my business". Very appropriate in this case as well.
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Old 03-03-2010, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by FuzzyFatSacks View Post
That's weird. I never thought a toast had anything to do with what type of beverage you're drinking (unless I have completely missed something over the years). As long as you have a beverage, toasting should be no problem!
Exactly...HH I think it's your friend's problem, not yours at all, good for you that you called her on it.
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Old 03-03-2010, 08:19 PM
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Does your friend know that you have been struggling with alcohol and that you are getting help for it and trying to get sober? If so not much of a friend, if not thats your fault for not tellling them IMO...and what are you doing sitting with people drinking in early sobriety anyway?
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Old 03-03-2010, 08:34 PM
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Yeahgr8, I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with her being around people that are drinking. What matters is whether she is coping with her recognition of the fact she cannot drink, and unless I am missing something, she is doing that. If it doesn't make sense for her to be in that context in order to be mindful about her sobriety, then I would understand if she decided to avoid the context. Also: I realize we all have to be ourselves, but saying "your fault" to somebody seems too abrasive, like you are breathing down her neck. You will probably get closer to helping her by not using that approach, and I suspect your intention is to be helpful.
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Old 03-03-2010, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Houndheart View Post
Dee, I am finding this very curious, and kinda cool what you said about "it's none of my business really".

I think I am very sensitive to what folks think of me, probably overly so..and I have been told by some that I am "too thin skinned". I think that this oversensitivity at times was one of my triggers to drink. I am trying to get to understand your point about what people think is not your business anyway. That puts a whole new spin on it for me. And I suppose if I could get to that perspective that I might be a whole lot better off along the road. Thanks for giving me food for thought.
I'd hate to give off the idea I'm this calm, sanguine figure where nothing anyone says or does ever grates at me, HH

"it's none of my business" is the ideal - and I believe in it....

but I'm also a flawed human being with insecurities, grudges, obsession, paranoia...all of that and more.

It just means I have to work a little harder at trying to hit the ideal sometimes LOL

and it's true that these days I'm rarely bothered by someone like your friend, or someone challenging me on my not drinking, or someone else drinking like I used to, or whatever....

I could care less.

I've drank the metaphorical oceans dry, and I've been teetotal, and I know which side of the fence I'm meant to be

D
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Old 03-03-2010, 08:53 PM
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Smile Hi Houndheart..

..A *toast* 4 u....stay focused,we are pleased that you
have joined SR....keep postin'..tnx...Oz..
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Old 03-03-2010, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Toronto68 View Post
Yeahgr8, I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with her being around people that are drinking. What matters is whether she is coping with her recognition of the fact she cannot drink, and unless I am missing something, she is doing that. If it doesn't make sense for her to be in that context in order to be mindful about her sobriety, then I would understand if she decided to avoid the context. Also: I realize we all have to be ourselves, but saying "your fault" to somebody seems too abrasive, like you are breathing down her neck. You will probably get closer to helping her by not using that approach, and I suspect your intention is to be helpful.
Nope my intention is for her to think about what she is doing not to give a totally unhelpful pat on the back and a glib remark like 'everything will be ok'...

It is not the friend's fault that they may not have the correct information too be able to make an informed decision.

You comment about you thinking it is ok to hang around with other people drinking in early recovery is based on your experience or is just an opinion? I.e. are you sober and did you change nothing else but stop drinking?

Not trying to offend anyone, maybe some food for thought...maybe not? It's not Houndheart's first post i am sure she will have a read and then agree or not?!
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Old 03-03-2010, 09:40 PM
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Gr8, that is right, it's not her first post and she is learning how to deal with her own thoughts and the comments of others. I relate to it in my own way. I don't know the reason for alcohol being in that situation (at someone else's house), but the assumption I have is that she did not drink. She and God know for sure. Now she is talking about the experience; that is how she copes.

To answer your question, I have not had anything to drink since I stopped in November. (Nov 18) I have been to one party (2 Saturdays ago) that I forced myself to go to because I would have enjoyed my evening by myself more than to be with them but it was for someone's birthday. I was the only person not drinking, 15 or 20 other people were (and more). I was fine, and the alcohol around me was the least of the things that bothered me about the evening, it was misplaced commentary by others that annoyed me and made me stew about it, like Hound has done.

I don't think it is point-blank "okay to be around people who drink." I am not that black and white about it. The approach I am taking is that Hound, like any of us, has to be her own agent and has to live in this world with its challenges. If it isn't the right environment for her to be in, then she has to be the one to realize it and avoid it, with her own understanding. That is one of the things I learned from people in AA. I didn't learn from people in AA that she should never be around people that drink in early sobriety. To me, that would be over-sheltering a person, like a precious china doll. This is a person who deserves to feel her own strength through her decisions and also when she has no choice in the matter (like when somebody comes out with wine all of a sudden).

I feel "taxed" after engaging in this.
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Old 03-04-2010, 05:27 AM
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I was thinking that after reading a few of the threads where people are so VERY opinionated and abrasive....I would be very hesitant to post any slips I may encounter along the way...and these type of posts are JUST the reason I am hesitant to ever seek out AA...pushypushypushy....(if you don't do what I did, you can't quit drinking, because AA is the ONLY way)...baloney....my problem is individual and no one is more aware of that than I am.

This forum is for the most part extremely supportive and helpful. i respect everyone's opinions and welcome to hear their experience, but in a constructive way....I don't need anyone to critique my behavior, i am responsible for that.


We come here for SUPPORT, not to be chastised. HH did not solicit adivce on who to socialize with..she merely made an observation on some odd behavior from a friend....and as someone who is newly Sober, (day17) I appreciate her sharing that experience.

thanks for listening, hope i made sense....it's very early here, time for more coffee.
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Old 03-04-2010, 06:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
I was thinking that after reading a few of the threads where people are so VERY opinionated and abrasive....I would be very hesitant to post any slips I may encounter along the way...and these type of posts are JUST the reason I am hesitant to ever seek out AA...pushypushypushy....(if you don't do what I did, you can't quit drinking, because AA is the ONLY way)...baloney....my problem is individual and no one is more aware of that than I am.
Step back a minute... While yeahgr8 signature has a reference to AA in it... nothing in his post portends to be, nor represents, AA...

"pushypushypushy"... we could debate whether yeahgr8's post was as you describe or whether yeahgr8 was taking another view of the situation and did not intend to be offensive at all... but as an AA myself, I object to your painting the program with such a broad and misinformed brush.

Two very important concepts in AA.... Attraction, not promotion.... and remember, before you have a witty answer to that, yeahgr8 was not representing or promoting AA... and another is that a recovered alcoholic should be just as much a part of society and participate fully in it, as anyone else.... and if that means being around drinkers, or in a bar, or toasting with a glass of sprite, and there is good reason... then by all means be a part of the festivities, just don't drink.

There are plenty of opinionated and abrasive people in the world. Not all of them are AA .... and yeahgr8 is usually a pretty good guy.

BTW... welcome to SR!

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Old 03-04-2010, 06:15 AM
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I was commenting on the general tone of several posts i have read on different threads from several different people, not gr8's individual one....sorry if i didn't explain that clearly.

what works for some does not work for others.
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