Alcoholic Away at College

Old 02-13-2010, 08:49 PM
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Alcoholic Away at College

Hi all,

I'm new here, and really seeking help. I'm not sure exactly where to start - but I will do my best.

I am a 19 year old alcoholic who goes away to college. I don't drink everyday, not even every weekend. I read a lot of stories here about people drinking every day, and I am not addicted in that sense.

My problem is that once I start drinking, I don't want to stop. I've had plenty of fun times drinking here, and it does make me feel more social and comfortable. I've had plenty of times where I didn't get too drunk, or I did get too drunk but the night didn't end horribly. However, over the course of the last year, I've had at least four instances where I drank so much, blacked out, made scenes, all that.

Over the past year, I've been in the first relationship of my life. I really love this girl, and last night I ruined everything. I got black-out drunk, lied about how drunk I was, threatened to kill myself, was yelling and crying to her. It hurts me to even type this. Because of my problem when drinking, I put my ex girlfriend through so much ****. My three other incidents were also in front of her, and she has always forgiven me.

I don't know if I'm rambling, but I've thought about quitting drinking, every time I make a scene I talk about quitting. But I always have some excuse such as I should limit how much I drink, or I shouldn't drink if I'm upset.

The thing is, I wasn't really that upset last night until I was wasted. But I turned into a monster. I hurt the girl I love and I fear I've ruined that relationship forever. I don't know why this happens to me, and it also doesn't seem like it's a big deal to other people outside of my ex girlfriend - because they all think I'm just a college kid who gets wasted.

I apologized as usual, but I know I'm losing her. I know I'm ruining the good things in my life, and I know each apology brings more and more doubts about me. I know that she probably feels that I have this monster inside me, and alcohol brings it out. I don't know how she will ever believe that I love her, that I'm not a bad person, because the person I am when I'm drunk is still me, but it's really not. I hate waking up in the morning with shame and regrets, but I do, and I'm so sick of it.

I need help. I need some words of encouragement or advice or something. I don't know how hard it will be for me to actually quit drinking, but the emotional guilt that I have now is just bearing so much on me. I want this pain to go away, I want her pain to go away, I want everything to be better. So I'm starting here. I'm opening up, I'm not making any more excuses for my behavior. I'm not in a good place right now, and I need some helping hands. Thank you for reading.
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Old 02-13-2010, 08:57 PM
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You'll find a lot of encouragement and support here Michael

Do you have counsellors at school? that might be a good place to start - they would have a better knowledge of what programmes and resources are available to you locally.

You can always take the bull by the horns yourself and google AA and your local area too.

You can make things better - there's a lot of people here who have.
Glad you've joined us - welcome

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Old 02-13-2010, 09:00 PM
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You are not alone. Welcome! Glad you are here. This phrase got my attention--"My problem is that once I start drinking, I don't want to stop." That is concerning. I remember when things were that way for me--then years later it became I couldn't stop once i started drinking--even when I truly wanted to. You can cut back now or possibly even stop now before you cross that line. I was a problem drinker by age 18. I was an alcoholic by age 23. The fact that you are here seeking answers is good. This is a great place to find support. Have you considered going to an AA meeting or any other recovery groups? There are meetings for young people in certain areas--plenty of people your age in recovery. Keep reading/posting. I hope you find the answers you seek. We do recover.
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Old 02-13-2010, 09:06 PM
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Thanks guys, I've been to one AA meeting with my father before when I was 16 and I drank myself into the hospital. It's a little harder for me because I don't drive at school, so getting places off campus is a little harder - I definitely am going to look into it though. It's really not even the burden of quitting for me - it's more the burden of my emotions that are just bringing me down right now. Dealing with the remorse is just so hard for me.
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Old 02-14-2010, 02:50 AM
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whatīs more or booze?

Ur young enough to make the right descicion now....i messed quite some relationships because of my addictions...wouldnīt recommend it to anyone....

good luck...keep posting...
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Old 02-14-2010, 04:35 AM
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If you continue to take that first drink then everything of any happiness in your life will vanish. And probably very quickly because as you lose more because of your behaviour when drinking then the more you will drink because you have nothing to stop drinking for. Very vicious cycle.

Get out now whilst you can. I never drank everyday either and I got properly sober at 23. I too was a blackout binge-drinker. I too am not like the person I became when I drank. I am the typical Jekyl and Hyde character when drinking. I guess that's what the allure of getting wasted was in a kind of way but like you are experiencing it turns nasty and people don't want to be around you.

I have slowly rebuilt my life back up from my rock-bottom and this is purely a result of accepting I am an alcoholic and 'just for today I will not drink'. People tell me I am funny and kind now and I always was but this is not what they would tell me if I was drinking again. I ain't going back to where you are at now man. I have been there and I know how you're feeling. obviously not exactly but similar.

Alcoholism is progressive it always gets worse. When I was 19 I was bingeing heavily and getting wrecked every weekend but would have told you to f*ck off if you said I had a problem. I was proud of my ability to take getting wrecked as my philosophy and way of life. Fast forward 3 years and I was drinking super-strength (9%) 500ml cans of lager at 7.30am in the freezing cold pouring rain on Sunday morning trying to drink that anxiety/remorse that you talk of away. used to hate bumping into people walking their dogs or buying a paper. Embarassing.

Get out whilst you can dude.
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Old 02-14-2010, 05:04 AM
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Welcome Michael! The good news is - you are self-aware and know exactly what you have to do. Many of us go on for decades trying to manage it - anything so we don't have to give it up entirely. I almost lost my life with that attitude. That never has to happen to you. Be proud of yourself for coming here and reaching out for help.

You've probably heard that alcoholism is a "progressive disease". I never realized what that meant until I progressed into a 24/7 drinker with one by my bedside so I wouldn't withdraw & shake during the night. I, too, didn't drink every day & once could use willpower to just have a few. As you're already aware, it isn't how often we drink, but what happens to us when we do.

You can do this - and have a beautiful life with no more guilt or remorse. I'm sorry for your troubles with the woman in your life, but you must do this for you. Please keep talking to us and let us know how it's going for you.
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Old 02-14-2010, 07:37 AM
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Welcome to SR! I'm glad you're wanting to change your life for the better at such a young age. As said before, alcoholism will only get worse. Please get whatever help you can to stop now while you're still healthy and young.

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Old 02-14-2010, 08:54 AM
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Welcome, Michael. Sounds like you already know you have a problem. Solving it now, rather when you are 50 (like me) will save you so much sorrow.
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Old 02-14-2010, 11:23 AM
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Thanks guys, I really feel like my issue now is dealing with my emotional pain and the pain I caused - I'm not tempted to drink and I've gone without it for months easily. It's just I know I'm sinking into depression because of this, I can just feel it. I don't understand in my heart how I could do something like this, hurt someone I love, just because I was black out drunk. I really can't wrap my mind around it, and it's eating me up.
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Old 02-14-2010, 11:37 AM
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IF you have a natural talent/vocation in life..that i beleive we all do have.. get into
big time immerse yourself in career/dreams of what you always wanted to do..WITHOUT
ALCOHOL~Am pretty sure youre 50+ more likely to acheive## NO room for depression!
Hehe, This is my realization of jus now also!! but i think is true!
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Old 02-14-2010, 11:44 AM
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One thing that I picked up this morning is that alcoholism is a "thinking" and not a "drinking" problem.

Depression is rife in alcoholics. I bet you will be hard pressed to find any alcoholic who hasn't suffered from depression. It's all part of the disease mate. Is that depression likely to take you back to a drink a few weeks/months down the line? You bet it is!! 'Cunning, baffling and powerful indeed'

I too suffered from clinical depression but continued to drink heavily throughout. I never associated my depression with alcoholism. I used my depression as an 'excuse' to self medicate with my medicine.

By working a 'recovery' programme will help you be able to deal with these emotions that you struggle with. The drinking is merely a symptom of the disease of an alcoholic mind.

You may or may not want to believe that and not this time last year I would have replied "what a load of b*llocks" but guess what? I started drinking again!

Just remember it is the drink that has caused all this. Never forget that.

The 12 steps of AA are there to help you deal with everything that you are worried about/talking about. I have learned to not worry about things that are gone and in the past anymore but to "live in the solution and not in the problem"

All The Best.
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Old 02-14-2010, 12:31 PM
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Depression in the sense that, for no reason at all I ruined a beautiful relationship. Depression that the girl I love has finally had enough of me, after chance after chance. My motivation is gone, and I wish I could just sleep the day away.
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Old 02-14-2010, 01:18 PM
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itīll get better...

donīt use guilt as an excuse to drink!
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Old 02-14-2010, 01:30 PM
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I've never used guilt as an excuse to drink, I just don't know how to cope with it though. I am not tempted at all to drink because of the guilt, drinking has caused me enough problems. It's just I feel like my mind is overwhelmed with guilt, I really don't know how to handle it. I'm suffering emotional pain that only happens to me the day after a drunk mishap. I have so much shame and guilt, and I don't see it easing up and I'm just really upset. Sorry that I'm going on and on.
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Old 02-14-2010, 01:44 PM
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If you never drink again then you will never have to feel like this again. Simple eh?...

Untill time passes and things even themselves out again and you start to forget the pain you feel now and the 'high times' nostalgia start to flood back into your thoughts and you see all those happy smiley people at the bars with all their pals and their chicks and you think, "I want a piece of all that again, It can't have been that bad!". And then bam... waking from another blackout feeling like you do now but even more hopeless.

Of course this will never need happen if you acknowledge and accept that it's the booze that is the problem and that you're an alcoholic and cannot ever drink alcohol again...EVER. Period!! That is the score... sounds simple but obviously down the line without a recovery programme being worked then it's very unlikely that you will stay away from that first drink. For an alcoholic it's the first one thats the killer!

Excuses will be made as to why you deserve a drink and you will drink again. Happens all the time. An alcoholic that drinks is the norm... it's the alcoholics who are staying sober one day at a time who are the minority!

Just for today I will not drink...
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