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Old 02-13-2010, 07:49 PM
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michael45
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 5
Alcoholic Away at College

Hi all,

I'm new here, and really seeking help. I'm not sure exactly where to start - but I will do my best.

I am a 19 year old alcoholic who goes away to college. I don't drink everyday, not even every weekend. I read a lot of stories here about people drinking every day, and I am not addicted in that sense.

My problem is that once I start drinking, I don't want to stop. I've had plenty of fun times drinking here, and it does make me feel more social and comfortable. I've had plenty of times where I didn't get too drunk, or I did get too drunk but the night didn't end horribly. However, over the course of the last year, I've had at least four instances where I drank so much, blacked out, made scenes, all that.

Over the past year, I've been in the first relationship of my life. I really love this girl, and last night I ruined everything. I got black-out drunk, lied about how drunk I was, threatened to kill myself, was yelling and crying to her. It hurts me to even type this. Because of my problem when drinking, I put my ex girlfriend through so much ****. My three other incidents were also in front of her, and she has always forgiven me.

I don't know if I'm rambling, but I've thought about quitting drinking, every time I make a scene I talk about quitting. But I always have some excuse such as I should limit how much I drink, or I shouldn't drink if I'm upset.

The thing is, I wasn't really that upset last night until I was wasted. But I turned into a monster. I hurt the girl I love and I fear I've ruined that relationship forever. I don't know why this happens to me, and it also doesn't seem like it's a big deal to other people outside of my ex girlfriend - because they all think I'm just a college kid who gets wasted.

I apologized as usual, but I know I'm losing her. I know I'm ruining the good things in my life, and I know each apology brings more and more doubts about me. I know that she probably feels that I have this monster inside me, and alcohol brings it out. I don't know how she will ever believe that I love her, that I'm not a bad person, because the person I am when I'm drunk is still me, but it's really not. I hate waking up in the morning with shame and regrets, but I do, and I'm so sick of it.

I need help. I need some words of encouragement or advice or something. I don't know how hard it will be for me to actually quit drinking, but the emotional guilt that I have now is just bearing so much on me. I want this pain to go away, I want her pain to go away, I want everything to be better. So I'm starting here. I'm opening up, I'm not making any more excuses for my behavior. I'm not in a good place right now, and I need some helping hands. Thank you for reading.
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