Omega10

Congratulations on telling your fiancee! That is such a huge hurdle you got over. I am sure it was very hard to tell him, but imagine how much less effort it will be to not have to hide the truth from him for the rest of your life. You have so much to deal with over the next while, and now you can focus totally on your sobriety rather than split your focus on getting well and hiding things from him.

Stay strong! You are doing great!

angharad

Thanks although I didn't think that today lol Although I woke up this morning feeling great by about 3pm i got the mother of all headaches....came home from work at 5pm and couldn't sleep...and now the lovely shakes are back and im in for a long evening but thanks for all your support! AA tomorrow

least

Hang in there. It DOES get better.

:ghug3

intention

Another day nearly over. One day at a time. You are doing well.

angharad

So this morning I was feeling nervous about tonight. I'm an atheist and the more literature I read the more I see the God connotation in AA and it confuses me. I've read posts on this forum about it but I guess I'll just wait and see.

Dee74

I've never been to an AA meeting, but I think you owe it to yourself to at least go and have a look, Ang.

I'm reliably informed they don't lock the doors

D

intention

Hi Angharad,

In AA we get our recovery by believing in a power greater than ourselves. Are you truly the greatest power that there is? If you believe not, then you believe in a power greater than yourself, or a Higher Power. Some people call it God, some people call it Higher Power, some call it HP, some call it something else.

You will hear the term God, "as you understand him". As you are an athiest, then try to put out of your mind what you think God is. This is not a religious program. You can create your own concept.

The vast majority of people entering AA have an issue with the 'God thing'. Whatever you are doing is not working, it's time to change and do something different. Just keep an open mind. No-one is going to make you do anything.

Let us know how you get on with the meeting.

seeker414

Angharad,

Thanks for the posts. Today has to be my last day drinking...no exaggeration. I have no desire to expound in your thread, but I needed to let you know that your honesty about your journey helps me steel myself as I try again to start mine successfully.

I too am an atheist, so I can understand your initial reaction to AA. At the same time, after two decades of being a drunk, I'm willing to give it a go because I'd rather be wrong than dead this time.

Best of luck to you in every way, and I look forward to hearing how the meeting went.

angharad

Thanks Seeker and good luck to you. So I went to the first meeting and I've just got back. I got there early to sit in the car in the dark and watch the people go in then about 2 mins before the start I plucked up my courage and went in. It lasted 90 mins but didnt feel that long. If I'm honest the "holdy hands prayer" to close the meeting was the only thing religious and god mentioning about it.
There were 4 women and 11 men. Being 29 I was the youngest by about 10 years. But it was nice to hear everyone felt like i did. Some had been sober 4 years some only started today.
This is my day 4. I still feel like crap but a crap thats getting better. Shakes are going but sleep isn't coming easy still.

I will need a few days to reflect on the meeting to decide whether I will go back.

I did get the phone number of a very nice lady who kinda mummsied me (she was about 50 and had been sober 4 years yet still went to AA weekly). She has told me to ring whenever I want to, although im uncertain whether I want to burden a stranger with my problem. But she was helpful and supportive and in the end we had a bit of a laugh during fag break about how clever us alcoholics can be hiding it from people and still going to work the next day. She said in all her years drinking she had never been stopped by the police in the morning on her way to work! I thought neither have i! I would've definatley lost my licence!

Anyway on to day 5....hope for some sleep tonight.

least

Believe me, you won't be burdening her at all. In calling her for support and such, she will be helping to keep you sober and you will be helping to keep her sober. That's how it works. In order to keep what we've been given, we have to give it away to others.

seeker414

Glad to hear it went pretty well...going to be at my second meeting ever this week--last was in the early '90s.

I second that she won't feel bothered or burdened--I've tried hard many times to do it on my own and am finally caving to the fact that I can't.

Her helping helps her, and we need it badly; win-win.

seeker414

P.S. I've been through the sleep thing multiple times and am dreading this round like the rest. I have no credentials, but I think the support of others in processing our !@#$% is the key. It's part of why I'm willing to try meetings and interacting with people willing to help this time.

I wish you the best and some good sleep too!

angharad

so today i just feel knackered run down and tired but still not sleeping lol. Shakes have stopped but the boredom at night time hasnt!! I've also noticed the nights and evenings are SO long when ur not drunk Day 5 done

intention

You could always go to a meeting at night


That lady who gave you her number meant it when she said you could call. This is how we work step 12. When we have recovery we work with others to keep our recovery. You will be doing her a lot of good if you call.

If you are relunctant to call keep her number handy......you just might need it at some point.

Holding hands and hugging is a bit strange but I learned it is about people showing they love and care for you when you can't love and care for yourself.

seeker414

Finding positive activities to fill what feels like the void is something I too have found difficult.

I can't tell you what will work for you, but I look forward to doing some of the things I haven't been able to do while drinking and also looking at how much better I can do some of the things I've been doing while drinking.

I also know that working at breathing easy and being in the moment are cliches that pay off big time when you get them going for you--it's worth trying/reading about as much as you can I think and a big part of my plans even for tonight.

I hope you have a great evening; I'm rowing in the same boat, so at least you have company!

angharad

how's it going with you Seeker hun?

seeker414

Going through the first days thing, so it's rough, but I think this time all denial is dead.

I'm an alcoholic, and if I don't give that over to the universe to help me with, then the filthy beast is going to get me alone and kill me--someone else's observation but too true.

Looking up AA meeting times for tomorrow evening and have an appointment with a psychologist who's seven years sober for 7pm tomorrow as well--it will be new for me to get help, but I need it.

littlefish

I just read this thread for the first time: Congrats on your 5 days angharad! That is great work.
And, it was a strong decision to talk to your partner as well. And go to your first AA meeting. You are showing a great deal of determination!

All I would mention at this point is that having some kind of program is a great help in staying sober: AA, an AA alternative, online meetings, therapy, outpatient rehab, etc, etc. There really are a lot of options. When you get those moments of boredom, fear, craving, sadness, elation, whatever, that might lead to thoughts of drinking, it's invaluable to have some program tools to use.

A program will also give you an education about the disease: there is a lot to learn!

Hevyn

Welcome angharad! Like littlefish, I'm just reading this for the first time. It's great how much progress you've made in a short time. I can see you've opened your mind to new ideas & I know how hard that is. Telling your fiancee was a huge step - good for you. I found that once everything was out in the open I felt so relieved.

Don't be discouraged by how you feel right now. The restlessness, for one thing, will get better. I quit after 25 yrs. and I've gone through many phases. I was in a state of shock in the beginning, a fish out of water. I had to learn to live differently - nothing felt the same. I can remember being miserable and bored in the beginning, wondering if that was the way I'd always feel. I can understand how some can't stick with it, but they don't give themselves a fair chance. Your body & mind are healing from all the abuse. You will continue to improve and feel alive again.

I'm so glad you found SR and hope you'll stay with us to share more about your journey.

seeker414

What about you Angharad? How are you?