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Old 03-14-2010, 04:42 AM
  # 161 (permalink)  
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Thanks for sharing. x

yes it has got be your choice otherwise you won't stick with it. You gotta want to stop using more than using.

I am also an addict as well as an alcoholic. You did well to be able to finish your degree and get a good job etc whils't drinking and using to those levels. For me I couldn't cope with managing a life towards the end of my drinking binges as the depression coming down was just too bad. I suffered really badly from depression and used booze especially to medicate and get a release from feeling so f*cked and depressed.

I guess I was always more of a binge-drinker as for me to drink anymore than that would have resulted in getting kicked out of home and I would probably be dead now.

My thinking is totally different to how it was back in my drinking days. I drank again after 37 days back in June and then went on benders because I was not completely ready and had not admitted total and utter powerlessness. Also I was not willing to admit that a spiritual solution is required to maintain happy, grateful sobriety. All that means for me is trying to practice a religion of kindness. Having humility, polite and well mannered most of the time!, helping others and being totally honest with myself. I try to live totally honest now as much as possible as it would eat me up if I did anything corrupt or with bad motives.

I also try to remain grateful for my recovery from alcoholism as I have seen what so many fail to see. When I feel myself losing gratitute, I try to think why, and try to remind myself what i have, and what drinking would strip me of.

I am the calmest I have ever been in my life and people see me as being very, very chilled out and 'sensible' LOL. If only they knew!

Always remember to Live in the solution and not in the problems. The consequences of your drinking sound like they were quite severe as they had bad health implications. Mine were all 'mental/psycholgical' in nature. Other than f*cked nasal/sinus problems! LOL. Healing slowly I gues though.

Remember that alcoholism/addiction is fundamentally a thinking problem so try to embrace recovery so that you think totally differently about life and people/places/things than you used to. Then you are on you way imo. That is only my experince anyway, You may be different as everyone is. This is not an overnight process but you just kind of realise!

I guess it's even more the case that drinking for you is insane given the health implications, so don't be a martyr for the sake of your peers. For me what keeps me from drinking or feeling ungrateful about it is that I have 100% acceptance that I'm an alcoholic and know the truth of what will happen to me.

Also when I used to moan about getting sober at 23 then I was told and realised that there never is a 'right' time to get sober so may as well just bite the bullet. It ain't that bad. haha.

peace
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Old 03-14-2010, 06:31 AM
  # 162 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by angharad View Post
Thanks I also got a lot of work done on my assignments tonight too which I wouldn't have ordinarily done on a saturday night. I understand what ur saying Intention I really do, I've never been much of s 'groups' person. Since I was 17 doctors and psychs have asked me to do councelling and therapy for my bipolar. im fine on one-on-one therapy but I just can't relax in 'group therapy'. When I went to the meetings I felt enourmous pressure to sit there and tell my story and as I was the new one the people were focusing on me when i just wanted to blend into the background. There were only 8 people in there the second time I went and Im really not being agesit at all but I look much younger than 29 (I always used to get ID'd for booze) and I felt in my paranoid little brain that I didnt deserve to be there as I hadn't suffered as long as those who were there, and the 2 women I met felt a bit like they were mothering me I know they had good intentions. I don't know I might give it another shot. I will think about it. Thank you though for the support you all provide on here

Hi Angharad,

What those two women were doing was giving you was unconditional love - giving you love without any strings attached. This is probably something you have never experienced before, except from close family/partners. It may be that even your friends don't give unconditional love - they love you but however kind and well meaning they are, they expect something back from you in return, whether it be your attention, respect, time, or you to do something for them.... etc.

These people in AA expect nothing back from you and I know when I first experienced this, it made me feel very uncomfortable. The fact that it is something new and a change, is a good thing. If nothing changes, nothing changes. At first when the old blokes in the meetings came up and hugged me it was weird.........but now I go up to them and ask for my hug!!!

I'm a single mum with a 7 year old who forgot this morning that it is Mother's day with no Dad here reminding him or showing him what to do. I got a text very early from another AA wishing me Happy Mother's day. It was very unexpected and very much appreciated. I wasn't but I could have been sitting here a very lonely, alcoholic thinking about drinking because no-one, my friends and family, had even considered what it could be like to be a Mother with no-one saying Happy Mother's Day.

Small gestures like that one from an AA who has freely given something can mean the difference between someone drinking or not drinking that day. Or the difference between a day sober, or a day in A&E with wrists slashed from a suicide attempt. Although it is working the Steps which enables us to recover from alcoholism, the fellowship of AA can be very powerful.

There is no need to share anything in a meeting. I talked to someone recently who didn't share for 2 years. And even if you share, you do not need to tell your story. You share what you want to and what you feel comfortable with.

Many people in AA have mental health issues and will relate to conditions like bipolor. We also have a lot of sayings in AA. There is one called "terminal uniqueness". All alcoholics believe that they are unique - no-one quite drinks like they do, feels like they do, has lived a life like theirs, feels the same in crowds of people etc etc. It's not true. It is only an illusion that alcohol creates in the mind of the alcoholic to prevent them from getting help and cutting off the alcohol supply it so desperately needs. And it is called "terminal" because feeling like this will eventually lead to death.

Neo said you have to do what you have gotta do to keep sober. This means doing something different than you did before. Very few people can actually get and stay sober indefintely on their own. They need a support network around them of people who know how to stay sober and a program of recovery.

Well done on getting that work done last night and no doubt you are hangover free this afternoon, so that is great
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Old 03-14-2010, 07:14 AM
  # 163 (permalink)  
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******{Ang}}}}....congrats on Day #7!!! glad you are getting your papers and work done. the damage to your esophagus is concerning...remember that when you think about picking up a drink.

i was *afraid* to go and get LFTs and cholesterol testing, BUN, creatnin done 2 months ago when I was drinking my heaviest...my doctor told me my liver was *beginning* to show signs of early problems in Sept. 09...5 months and much drinking later I knew it would be worse and my GGTP and other numbers would be off the charts.

BTW, I use SR as my support also, i understand what you are saying about the groups...I have no desire to share with people, especially strangers, but I am a very private person.
(that's just my take, what works for some, is not the solution for everyone., options can change too)
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Old 03-16-2010, 05:23 AM
  # 164 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by angharad View Post
Basically what I'm trying to say is that quitting my addiction this time is MY choice. Its not an addiction that i am being forced to quit due to circumstance. I really want to succeed!
So good to read...congratulations on this as well as your perseverance!

If I might make a suggestion, in the spirit of this commitment to yourself, stay open to doing whatever it takes to stay sober--which I think you are, and that's great too!

For me, this time it means being a member of AA. I have tried other things, including virtual support like this, but it wasn't enough.

After 26 meetings in 26 days (the first two before my sobriety date 2/21/2010), I can say that I'm sober because of my sponsor and the program, and I'm in a better space than I have ever been whether drinking or dry.

I have had a relatively hard time adjusting to this new thing in my life, and I have had to read books to help me see AA from my point of view and have it work for me on my terms without diluting the program. I've had to deal with the stress of getting to know different groups and those who attend them as well as the awkward moments that result from meeting new people.

I had to commit to 90 meetings in 90 days and make myself stick to that no matter what--other approaches will work for other people I'm sure.

Do what you have to do for you just like you've said because you're worth it!
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Old 03-18-2010, 07:28 AM
  # 165 (permalink)  
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How are you doing today? (((hugs)))
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Old 03-18-2010, 11:58 AM
  # 166 (permalink)  
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Well today is the second day 10 and as its summer im feeling great :P No seriously i get SAD so the minute the sun shows itself i cheer up Wooooooop :P
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Old 03-18-2010, 02:09 PM
  # 167 (permalink)  
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Well done on 10 days.
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Old 03-18-2010, 03:20 PM
  # 168 (permalink)  
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SAD is one of the hardest things about winter for me. Being cooped up inside all the time and little sunshine. It's been sunny and warm for about a week now and I've taken the dogs for a walk each day. Does us all a lot of good!

Congrats on day 10! Keep on truckin', you're doing great!
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Old 03-18-2010, 04:28 PM
  # 169 (permalink)  
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its bad for me especially cuz im porcelin pale, blonde with blue eyes so even if i havent done drugs or drank in the winter i look like a ghost lol! bag under the eyes and general miserableness!

its days like this i wish i had a dog....
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