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You were right I cannot stop

Old 01-12-2010, 11:36 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Welcome back, i did the same went away drank some more and came back...repeat for ages...my experience was that the posts that you dont like the most are more than likely the ones you should be paying most attention to...

good luck
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Old 01-12-2010, 11:46 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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support

Thanks so much for the support and welcoming me back
I need to sort myself out
No doubt about it
Still wrestling with the whole concept. The what ifs, whys, hows etc etc
having such a questioning personality is a bloody pain in the ass at times
Please bear with me. With you guys help I will hopefully get there.
I have probably led some people to think its all "success and hapiness" with me.
I have a good life and job now ( in my 40's)but have had to struggle to get that
I had a very difficult upbringing which led eventually to a **** relationship with my mother. I was fed up "parenting" her
I lived as a single parent on benefits ( welfare) and funded myself through university by working part time (still got the highest grade in 12 yrs for my degree!)
So over the years like many people I drank to deal with stuff in my childhood, a awful marriage break up , huge debt , loss etc
So I suppose what I am saying is the drinking became a habit over the years to cope with what was ( looking back) a very tough life
Now life is better BUT I am left with the habit I do not need
I am somone who doesn't do victim status , doesn't ask for help , doesn't winge and just gets on with it, More than that my professional life has been all about HELPING others , I am the helper not the one with needs!
I need to learn to stop the struggle against weakness and admit I need help
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Old 01-12-2010, 12:14 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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There is nothing weak about admitting that one is an alcoholic. In fact it is the strongest thing you can possibly do IMO. I can only speak for myself but alcohol was the love of my life!! I loved booze... she was my best friend. But she would destroy me and was destroying me. When I finally had been beaten down sufficiently so I felt enough mental/emotional pain for me to get my moment of clarity I knew what I had to do. I knew I was not like most others when it came to me and drinking. I am an alcoholic and I cannot do it my own. Like I said before booze is stronger than I will ever be. Once I admitted the first step ie- That I am totally powerless over booze and that with it my life is totally unmanageable, I stood I chance of not drinking "just for today". Then I could work on my recovery.

To say goodbye to someone who you love with all your heart is not easy to do. It is so much weaker to just continue to stay in the same rut... I guess that is why most people never give it up... because it takes immense courage and strength to give up your best mate.

I do not view myself as a victim anymore, never really did tbh... far from it!! That is the difference between an active/dry alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic. Recovery has changed my whole attitute. I think completely different about things since I have been in recovery than i used to when still drinking.

Embrace recovery with open arms and you'll be just fine. Follow suggestions by others who have been there and you'll do alright. Once you are feeling fairly solid in your recovery you can start to develop slight variations on the main themes. You can still be unique but you have to accept the main, crucial point. Acceptance is key to all of this recovery. Without acceptance you will drink again.


All The Best
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Old 01-12-2010, 12:15 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Edit - duplicate post
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Old 01-12-2010, 12:36 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Don't resist, allow
 
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Originally Posted by daphne View Post
More than that my professional life has been all about HELPING others , I am the helper not the one with needs!
I need to learn to stop the struggle against weakness and admit I need help
Hi Daphne,
There are addicts/alcoholics in your profession. Just think how the recovering alcoholic in your profession can help so much more.


I see what you are saying about your life being great. Maybe all that is missing is your ability to sit still and live in the moment. Just getting recovery for that alone is worth it. Serenity is a beautiful feeling
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Old 01-12-2010, 04:49 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Welcome back Daphne

D
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Old 01-12-2010, 07:26 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by daphne View Post
Thanks so much for the support and welcoming me back
I need to sort myself out
No doubt about it
Still wrestling with the whole concept. The what ifs, whys, hows etc etc
having such a questioning personality is a bloody pain in the ass at times
Please bear with me. With you guys help I will hopefully get there.
I have probably led some people to think its all "success and hapiness" with me.
I have a good life and job now ( in my 40's)but have had to struggle to get that
I had a very difficult upbringing which led eventually to a **** relationship with my mother. I was fed up "parenting" her
I lived as a single parent on benefits ( welfare) and funded myself through university by working part time (still got the highest grade in 12 yrs for my degree!)
So over the years like many people I drank to deal with stuff in my childhood, a awful marriage break up , huge debt , loss etc
So I suppose what I am saying is the drinking became a habit over the years to cope with what was ( looking back) a very tough life
Now life is better BUT I am left with the habit I do not need
I am somone who doesn't do victim status , doesn't ask for help , doesn't winge and just gets on with it, More than that my professional life has been all about HELPING others , I am the helper not the one with needs!
I need to learn to stop the struggle against weakness and admit I need help
Just wanted to welcome you back as well. I too suffer from a "questioning personality" and have been known to be a bit confortational. When I first came to this site, all I wanted to do was argue with everyone who was trying to give advice to help me. I felt I knew better, in spite of the fact that they "had what I wanted" (clean & sober) and I was still drinking and drugging. There have been many times over they years that I have "taken my toys and went home", only to come back several week, month or even years later to openness and forgiveness.

This is a great place to come for help and support. Please try to remember, and it took me a LONG time to get this, that 99.9% of the people that respond, only want to help you. You may or may not agree with the advice and it is always your choice if you choose to take it. Bear in mind though, when you start seeing a pattern of many people telling you the same thing, making the same suggestions, maybe you should at least consider giving them a shot. Not being critical, just sharing my personal experience with arguing, getting upset and ultimately ending up just spinning my wheels and staying in the same place for far to long.

Once I realized that not only did I not have all the answers to all the questions, but all the questions really didn't have to have answers to make progress, things got a lot easier for me. Anyway, good to see you back. Take care.
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Old 01-12-2010, 07:55 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Welcome back daphne.....we can do this together!!
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Old 01-12-2010, 08:17 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I hope you will find a way to quit
Wishing you all the best that sobriety brings...
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Old 01-12-2010, 08:41 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Welcome back Daphne, as other folks said, we are here for you.
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Old 01-12-2010, 08:46 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I was an excellent mother, went to every soccer game, choir performance, and swim meet. I was an excellent wife, 3 course meal on the table every night, never cheated and did all the nice things he liked. I was an excellent daughter, married a nice guy, got my college degree and anything my mother asked I obliged.

And now I know, my mother had a drunk for a daughter, my husband had a drunk for a wife, and my daughter was raised in an alcoholic home. 28 years straight I drank, paused only for pregnancy.

We did the best we could with what we knew then. I know better now.

Arrogance was/is a big problem for me. I always think I know what is best. In recovery, here on SR and in the rooms of AA, I am constantly amazed at how little I really know, and overwhelmed by the power of the truth.

Go to people who have done this deal and be teachable. Listen to people who have years of sobriety, they have secrets to teach us. If you want it bad enough, there is an amazing life to be had in recovery. Welcome back
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Old 01-13-2010, 02:57 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Welcome back honey...
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Old 01-13-2010, 08:07 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Welcome Back..I won't repeat gypsy feet but that was me except soccer was football. We alcoholics are not always easy to pick out of a crowd. As someone said it does not discriminate. You can do this and I am pretty new so have no good advice except if you fall get back up, dust off and start over. You are not the first on here to deny and get angry.

This is a great site with great people all in the same boat no matter if it is 20 days or 20yrs. It is part of our life and it does get better! I am so looking forward to the 20 yr point! We are all here for you Daphne....
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Old 01-13-2010, 08:29 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Welcome back Daphne!
I am a psychiatric nurse working in Scotland and I manage a substance misuse service.....I totally 'get' exactly what you're saying about should be helping others not needing it myself. I am 45 have 3 children and am responsible and dependable...except when I'm under the influence of alcohol.
I have just started attending AA....I won't go to our local one, but travel 20 miles to the next one...best thing I've ever done...
Also...I am now finding, now I have stopped blaming myself for 'getting' this alcoholism...that my therapeutic relationships with clients have become more focused and I feel better able to support them that ever before...like a door opening for me to help to guide them...true empathy.
Good luck on your journey
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Old 01-13-2010, 08:30 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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hi daphne

I've "hit bottom" a number of times over the last 25 years...for me, regardless of the circumstances in my life, hitting bottom is what you described...realizing that regardless of desire, regardless of circumstances, regardless of beliefs, regardless of everything...I was gonna pick up a drink..again and again and again...

It was to truly see the truth of that...how many times i set a quit date and couldn't follow through no matter how much i wanted to or needed to.

Drinking again, regardless of the concequences to my body, to my job, to others around me....all the desire and knowledge just wasn't makeing a dang bit of difference

What is happening for me today is that I have reached out to other alchoholics who express having hit that internal bottom, that recognition of thier inability to stay sober.....and yet they are sober today and have been for many years...

I don't know where the journey is leading, but at least it's different than the path i was on.

I'm extremely intelligent, fairly well read, have worked as a professional for over 20 years....

but it seems my ability to delude myself and others is endless.

I'm very stuborn, and I will argue and fight endlessly.....Personally..I'd rather argue and fight out in the open where someone can help me see the errors in my thinking then to do so in my own head where nothing new has an opportunity to enter the equation.

Glad you are here Daph!

:ghug3
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Old 01-13-2010, 08:37 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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OMG: thank goodness you came back Daphne!

I feel a little guilty because I wonder if I was the beeatch who gave you the hard talk and made you want to go away! yeaah, I probably was. But I didn't mean it to be hard talk: it's just that you kept telling us everything was so wonderful: I had a hard time with that. Sorry.
I am so glad you are giving us another chance.

I thought about you all weekend:

Get over here and let me give you a big cyber hug and a big:

WELCOME BACK!!!!
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Old 01-13-2010, 08:49 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet View Post
I was an excellent mother, went to every soccer game, choir performance, and swim meet. I was an excellent wife, 3 course meal on the table every night, never cheated and did all the nice things he liked. I was an excellent daughter, married a nice guy, got my college degree and anything my mother asked I obliged.

And now I know, my mother had a drunk for a daughter, my husband had a drunk for a wife, and my daughter was raised in an alcoholic home. 28 years straight I drank, paused only for pregnancy.

We did the best we could with what we knew then. I know better now.

Arrogance was/is a big problem for me. I always think I know what is best. In recovery, here on SR and in the rooms of AA, I am constantly amazed at how little I really know, and overwhelmed by the power of the truth.

Go to people who have done this deal and be teachable. Listen to people who have years of sobriety, they have secrets to teach us. If you want it bad enough, there is an amazing life to be had in recovery. Welcome back
You and I have a lot in common! I too was an excellent wife and mother in my eyes. I too held off drinking during my pregnancies, but I was so excited to have my first drink after I delivered my son that I snuck a bottle of wine into my hospital room! My babies were always well cared for - bathed, fed, changed regularly. I took them for long walks in the stroller and had playtime with them daily. As my son got older I taught him things like colors, numbers, letters. My house was always clean. I always went to work. There was nothing wrong with me, my life was running smoothly...DAMN if I didn't deserve to indulge in something I truly loved.

The problem was, I wasn't being honest with myself, I was in the grip of addiction, and no matter how much I tried to defend it, I WASN'T the being the best mother and wife I was capable of being.

I have an abundance of free will and have had to learn a lot of humility in my recovery process. It wasn't until I got myself to a doctor for detox medication, sat in the rooms of AA, found a Higher Power and finally SHUT UP AND LISTENED for once in my life that I could truly learn.
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Old 01-13-2010, 09:26 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Welcome back!

Even though it was very emotional for me to work on recovering from my alcoholism the final pay off was greatly empowering and personally rewarding. Having found the capability to stop an addiction that was killing my very being has lifted my spirits to new unrealized levels. I hope the best for you as well.
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Old 01-13-2010, 09:38 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Overwhelmed

Hey this forum is great
Thanks for all your good wishes, care and cyber hugs
This is my time for a drink , just home from work and ready to get the evening meal made for thefamily arriving home from school/work
Am posting here without a drink
I went to the supermarket at lunch time and lifted a bottle of wine off the shelf for this evening. I went round the aisle again and put it BACK !!! never done that before
yesterday I had a glass of wine and started my 2nd one only to pour it down sink thinking WHY am I doing this, its crazy I do not even want a drink
Today on the drive home I was strongly craving a drink but going to try and resist
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Old 01-13-2010, 09:55 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Good for you, Daphne!
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