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Scared and in need of help...

Old 12-21-2009, 04:10 PM
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Scared and in need of help...

After spending several hours reading various posts on this site, I have come to be very scared and confused. I almost hesitate to share my story because I suspect I don't have anything new to say that the group hasn't already heard.

I'm stuck in that rock and a hard place in my mind where I know I should quit drinking, but I'm not quite sure I to "want" to or "have" to. Is that terrible to say? Should I not be here or seek help through these forums until I'm SURE I'm ready?

I know this has been asked a million times, but how do you know when you really need to quit, or if there is still some way you can control it? While I haven't lost everything, totaled any cars, gone to jail or woken up with the shakes or DTs, I am starting to suspect that my excessive drinking is causing me problems in the bigger scheme of things: like financial, goal-reaching, self control and self esteem issues. I'm starting to feel guilt and shame regarding my inability to stop or control how much I drink now and I've never felt that way before. And what if I try and can't stop? What then?

I feel like I could really use some help figuring it out, but I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. But the anxiety from just writing this post makes me want to buy a bottle of wine, when I said I wasn't going to drink today. That can't be good and scares the hell out of me.
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:19 PM
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lagirl,
you will get much help here. i can share my experience with alcohol. i started at 16 and increased use until 36 years old. i wish i had your insight at any time during my drinking career. i didnt get dui's, or lose my job. i was forced into rehab while i was in the Army. Luckily I got it, or else I would have been discharged as a rehab failure.
The guilt and shame were always there for me too, but I kept drinking anyway.
If you try to stop and cant, there are resources to help you. Have you talked to a doctor and been honest with your problem? Have you been to any meetings? I went to AA, and when I started looking at the similarites between us and not the differences (oh, i had that ego too, i am NOT like these people), my ears opened up to the knowledge, experience, strength and hope of living a new life.
I hope you keep posting and reading here.
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:19 PM
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Hi lagirl

I too started like you, not sure if typing here was ok. I can assure you it is and a good place to start working things out.

People here are amazingly friendly and have some very wise things to offer you.

People wont tell you how to come to conclusions or if you should or shouldnt do something as you need to do that on your own to some extent, but between reading and talking or posting, you will work it all out.

You sound quit similar to me in your story so relate quite well.

Others, Im sure will offer more wisdom right now in some of the other things you said.

Welcome to SR - you will find this place very safe and comforting to be free and who you are.

LH
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:21 PM
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Hi lagirl

I agree with everyone else LOL - I think you're in exactly the right place

There's a lot of recovered people here, but this place is for anyone struggling with alcohol or drugs, or their families.

I was further along in my alcoholic journey than you when I came here but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to quit either....the folks here helped me sort out what was the right way to go for me.

I believe you can pick your 'bottom' - but that wasn't possible for me.
I wish I'd known about SR a lot earlier

Read around, post as much as you like.
You'll find a lot of support here.

If you try and you can't stop, you'll find lots of help and suggestions on programmes etc. and what to do next.

A Dr is always a good first stop too

welcome!
D
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by lagirl310 View Post
After spending several hours reading various posts on this site, I have come to be very scared and confused. I almost hesitate to share my story because I suspect I don't have anything new to say that the group hasn't already heard.
The reason you don't see "anything new" is that we share the same problem. Maybe some of the details are different, and maybe some of us follow it a little further down, but we're not unique. The fact that you aren't seeing anything new in your experience means you're identifying.

And, your story is yours. Please don't hold back because of the above -- there's comfort in knowing others relate to you and that they've found their way through it.

I'm stuck in that rock and a hard place in my mind where I know I should quit drinking, but I'm not quite sure I to "want" to or "have" to. Is that terrible to say? Should I not be here or seek help through these forums until I'm SURE I'm ready?
A lot of folks have found the desire to stop by participating here. And, if it's terrible to say, well, most of us have said it at one point or another, too.

I know this has been asked a million times, but how do you know when you really need to quit, or if there is still some way you can control it?
Have you tried to control it? If so, how did it turn out?

While I haven't lost everything, totaled any cars, gone to jail or woken up with the shakes or DTs, I am starting to suspect that my excessive drinking is causing me problems in the bigger scheme of things: like financial, goal-reaching, self control and self esteem issues. I'm starting to feel guilt and shame regarding my inability to stop or control how much I drink now and I've never felt that way before.
Some call the former "YETs" for "you're eligible, too." And the latter? They sound like some very valid reasons to stop.

And what if I try and can't stop? What then?
I do it one day at a time -- something I'd suggest to you, too.

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:28 PM
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My problem is that I am a terrible control freak and probably a little vane as well. I've been to two meetings in the last 6 months. The first one was a large meeting at noon in Los Angeles and I'm sure half of the people were drunk at the time. The rest were toothless homeless people and some of the old men flirted with me and made comments about my pretty hair. Made me completely uncomfortable. Maybe I just chose the wrong part of town. There were some folks who seemed genuine and nice, but the large group was just too much for me. I shouldn't have let those reasons stop me from going back, but it was a little scary.

The second was all women (due to my discomfort at the first one). It was okay but I made the mistake of going when I had to leave early to host a party at my house. I never made it back. Not sure why. Maybe I'll try that one again, the women were very cool. But for me the religion behind AA is a bit troublesome for me as I am not much of a believer. Right now I'm looking into SMART and LifeRing. But I've heard I should try many and see which ones are a good fit.

I know I need to do something, even if it's just being honest with myself. My life is in the crapper.
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:37 PM
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The fact that you're here, asking questions and sharing your fears is a sign that you want to do something for yourself, you're just not sure yet what that might be. Two years ago this month I admitted out loud to myself and my doctor that I wanted to stop drinking. I'm still trying. I've had some good sobriety for months but sabotaged my own well being several times. I'm starting again and am determined to make it this time. I do'nt want to go "back there" cause of the 'yets' I've never had. I'm afraid that if I go back to drinking again I won't have any more recovery left in me. That scares the hell out of me.

I've got kids and grandkids I'd like to be here for. Not to mention my beloved dogs...

Try making two lists: one for the positives about drinking and one for the negatives, whether they've happened to you yet or not. I did that and my negative list had way more on it than the positive. And the positive had very little.

Try quitting for a month and see how you feel about it, both during and after.

Welcome to SR! (((hugs)))
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:38 PM
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lagirl, no, you're not alone in control issues or vanity!

As for the composition of meetings, in my area (very rural northeast), you can find everyone from chronically homeless to blue collar to professionals in just about every meeting, learning-disabled folks to PhDs. Please try to go back to a meeting (preferably when you can stay for the whole thing) and listen.

If it helps, lagirl, I've found recovery in AA and I'm not at all religious. An openness to spirituality, not religion, is all that's needed. A desire to stop drinking is all that's required.

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 12-21-2009, 04:50 PM
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This is kind of hard for me, but I'm beginning to feel a bit of safety, warmth, compassion and understanding already from this group, so here I go with my story:

After taking early retirement from Lockheed at 55 yrs old, my dad became a hard core bar fly and I lost all respect for him. I had been living my whole life with my mother and hadn't really known him since their divorce when I was 14. My mom only drank socially (as far as I knew) yet would order me sloe gin fizzes on vacation when I was 12.

In my 20s I was very successful and would typically get promoted very quickly at every company I worked for. We would do happy hour all the time (this was in the 80s) but outside of a few too many hangovers, I don't remember it being a problem. I was reliable, held a good job and was responsible with my set income.

Then in the early 1990s my mother died suddenly from cancer. We were never very close but it affected me. All of a sudden, without her influence, I felt lost and didn't know what to do with myself.

I left my good paying job, with benefits, and decided I wanted to be a filmmaker. That was over 20 years ago and I've hardly made a dime doing it since. In the mid 1990s I decided that I would fund my own movie projects through exotic dancing. I do believe this is where my unhealthy alcohol issues began. I felt sexier, funnier, more entertaining when I drank and it was just more fun (this was a fully nude club, but there was no lap dancing or touching of any kind). But needless to say, my movie projects didn't get done. (more to come...)
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Old 12-21-2009, 05:16 PM
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I just want to get out of debt, make my movies and be happy and healthy again. But I feel like it might be too late. I don't know how to come back from this. Maybe I have more problems than just my drinking and nothing will improve even if I do quit.

I've gained 20 pounds and I generally feel like a piece of crap. I'm losing my looks, my health, and recently discovered I'm losing one of my best friends who is dying from alcoholism. I had ended our friendship when I saw him drinking himself to death 4 years ago and I couldn't stand by and watch it when he clearly demonstrated that he did not want to be helped. Now I fear I am becoming him and I really want a drink right now.
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Old 12-21-2009, 05:28 PM
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deep breath honey, your not alone. You can't fix it all in one day, but I can tell you one thing I am pretty sure of, drinking won't make any of that better. A program of recovery can teach you how to deal with life's issues head on, and I find face to face support makes all of my problems hurt less. try another AA women's meeting, or Smart or Lifering, or get a therapist. I didnt do the whole religious thing either, but I have found friends and so much more through my local AA
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Old 12-21-2009, 05:28 PM
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I think Sugah's advice is good lagirl....one day at a time.
You can't do any more than what you can do today...noone can.

For me the most important thing was to focus on my recovery, because without that I had no chance of fixing anything else.

I was 40 when I quit...I was drinking all day every day - I was the kind of guy people moved away from...

my life hasn't changed that much materially in 3 years, but I'm much closer now to the man I always wanted to be, and that means a lot to me.

We move mountains one shovelful at a time

Focus on your recovery from the drinking for now - and lean on the support you get here.

You're not alone
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:48 AM
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Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Lion started a post yesterday about to handle NYE as she only has a few days of sobriety like me. Actually, yesterday was my first day so I guess I'm on day two.

I'm struggling with whether or not to attend a poker party on Christmas day and a boat cruise on NYE. They are both dangerous situations for me. But I don't want to be alone on those days. And sitting alone at home on those days might make drinking even more tempting. I think I can abstain, but am I testing myself too soon?
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Old 12-22-2009, 02:12 PM
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I can't tell you what to do - but if *I* was a gambler and a drinker I wouldn't be playing poker or boat cruising in my first week lagirl.

The temptation to have 'just one' or 'ah screw it...I'll start again tomorrow' got me many many times.

I live alone and in the early days I found SR was always an option rather than sitting at home 'alone'....there's a sticky post at the top of the forum here on sober things to do - I daresay many of them would still work on Christmas Day too

D
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Old 12-22-2009, 07:18 PM
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I agree with Dee about the temptation of NYE. Feels like a bit too much for the first month of sobriety.

But, for me, I could tell that I was an alcoholic simply by promising myself that I wouldn't drink and then being unable to not drink.

I have the "tomorrow disease" as in "I can always start tomorrow". What I have learned in sobriety is that only "today" matters.

Thanks for posting.
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Old 12-22-2009, 07:28 PM
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Hi Lagirl,

I'm so glad you found us and that you posted your story.

You said maybe you have more problems than just your drinking, and for me and for many, that's the crux of the problem. Drinking is a symptom. Drinking hides the problems. When I stopped drinking, I knew that I had to rebuild myself from the inside out. And, I had to begin with reconnecting with my spiritual self. For me, that didn't mean religious, but connecting with my inner voice, my soul, and finding a purpose for my life.

And, its never too later, never!
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:10 PM
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I committed myself to this game several months ago and the host is counting on me to attend and bring food. I don't feel close enough to her to reveal my situation, so I think I'll have to suck it up. I've played many times, sometimes for weeks on end, without drinking so maybe I can make it through the day. The good news is that not many people drink at this home game. So keep your fingers crossed for me. :-)
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:56 PM
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When I was in this situation, I made a plan for how I would get some good non-alcoholic drinks at the event (even bringing my own non-alcoholic drinks to one). With a plan made ahead of time, I found that I was able to resist the cravings.
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