ashleek

So, most of you know my story and for those who don't I'm gonna leave it at this I am an addict (pill head) been clean now for 43 days and I am going nuts!


I haven't had a day like this for awhile where I am crawling outta my skin, have horrible anxiety and just can't get out of my ******* head! I am going nuts up here. I'm not going to use but when I get like this do I want to use yeah. What the F triggers this anyway, where is this coming from, why am I stuck in my head today. I really can't say if there was a pill in my face right now that I wouldn't shove it up my nose as fast as I could. Because this is how I feel today.

I am alone, don't have a sponsor, my husband says "oh Ashlee now don't feel like this, why are you saying you want a pill today". He isn't an addict he don't get it. Don't we all have those days where you wanna just say F it and go get high as a kite?

Thanks for listening!

Dee74

yes. Trust me we all do, Ashlee

A lot of this stuff I think we can lay at the door of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome.
It takes time for our bodies and minds to heal - sometimes what we're feeling may be simply that.

Someone posted a link in Sub Abuse about PAWS from a substance abuse perspective...
I'll see if I can dig it out.

hang in there
D

ashleek

thanks dee

Astro

Do you have any friends in recovery you can call Ashlee? My suggestion would be to load up on phone numbers, get to meetings when possible, and of course posting here on SR is a positive action.

Yes, I still have those days. Thankfully I'm armed with a phone full of numbers to call and meetings to fall back on, even when things are going smoothly I still need to stay focused on my program of recovery.

ex D-Boy

Maybe now would be a good idea to reach out and look for face to face support. Having a loving husband for support is great, but when it comes to intense urges they just do not know how to react and usually end up saying something that irritates us. If you do not like the idea of 12 step help perhaps a good addiction specialist can help give you some coping skills.




Actually, no. Getting high for me was a full time job. Being that you are an opiate addict like myself I am sure you got to the point where you werent even getting high anymore. Just got to the point were you were using all day just to keep from being sick.

You've got over a month clean, your past the detox, past the pink cloud stage of early sobriety. Now its time to put a plan in place so that the next time these cravings come up (and believe me they will again) you have multiple solutions in front of you. Stay safe ~~ Scott

ashleek

Yeah Astro, I go to meetings all the time but I don't like to call them. They are AA's and I don't really like the women in there, I don't really like women period and I'm not too good at reaching out to people. That's my own fault in all this!

ashleek

Scott

Thanks! I know that I need people and yes my husband gets on my last nerve with the stuff he says. Yes it was a full time job, yes I didn't get high anymore, then I went to detox and I've stayed clean. But today's cravings are just worse than others.

smacked

I'm gonna copy Scott and also say no, I don't have those days either.

From what you've shared it sounds like you're working on absitnence (white knuckling), but not at all on recovering.

I hope you find what works better for you.. grab on to whatever you can with both hands, and just let yourself WORK towards a goal of recovery. It had to be my life's goal.. a complete life change.

Dee74

heres the link Ash:

Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma

and yeah Scotts right - I should have been less flippant - I never look back at what I used to do as a serious option anymore...

it involves a whole truckload of stuff with it I don't want...and I'm not sure I'd survive....

D

Astro

I hate picking up the phone Ashlee, but sometimes it becomes a matter of survival for me. The best action I take is going to as many meetings as possible, I can't hide when I'm looking someone in the face

Your fault or not, working on my discomfort of being around people is an ongoing effort, I've made a lot of trusted friends in the process.

ashleek

White Knuckling not so much, I do go to meetings and I do have an addiction therapist. So am I working on recovery? Every minute of everday that is all I think about. I read about recovery, I come here for recovery, I talk to other people about recovery. I take it very seriously and am just having a bad day. I have anxiety issues and when I had anxiety I did none other than put another pill up my nose.

smacked

Ok well I hope you feel better tomorrow!

Anna

Ashlee,

Anxiety is really hard to deal with. It sounds like you're working really hard on your recovery. I wonder if you have time for exercise of some kind? I have found that balance is really important in my life and that getting outside and doing something physical helps in many ways.

ashleek

I was going to go to Yoga classes who also practices the Tao but it's 35 dollars a visit there and along with my therapist that's too much for me. So maybe when I go down to once a month with my counselor that will be an option. I am trying to get the Wii fit but once again I am poor. I appreciate everyone, I took a shower, thought about what you all said and I have calmed down a bit. So thank you again SR for saving the day.

Jomey

Yoga really helps my anxiety, Ashlee - I can't afford a regular class either, so I got two DVDs that I do at home, and sometimes I just try to remember as much of a class that I used to take and do the best I can -either that or take a good walk - both are cheap & non-time consuming, and it helps alot.

Be well, Jomey

We are doing some major home repairs, and the DVDs are packed away right now, but I can dig 'em up if you want the names - just pm me.

Horselover

Hey Ashleek. I'm doing yoga too. Following in everyone's footsteps I guess. I found videos on the internet and they're free. I'm on the poor side too and will soon be without work so the price is right for me. Hope you are feeling better.

pennylane2009

Hey Ashlee,

I deal with anxiety, too, and all I can say is try to ride it out. The feeling won't last forever, just breathe deeply and remember this will pass.

Good luck, girl. You've come very far -- don't throw it away for one bad day.

Big hugs,
PL

Threshold

Ashleek,

In my recovery program, when those times hit and I am tempted to use again I am to ask myself 4 questions...Am I hungry? Is this what I feel like eating? Is this what I feel like eating now? Is there something else that I could eat instead?

replace eat with "use"...and proceed.

What basically it boils down to for me, 99% of the time is that I am not craving the substance and all that goes with it, what I am craving is relief from panic, fear, boredom, disappointment in self, etc. I am not hungry for my drug, I am hungry for relief...the drug won't bring relief...so, I move on to something that will address the REAL hunger, and provide REAL relief. That something, right now, is sobriety and my recovery program.

So, instead of using a drug or self destructive behavior, I reach for my recovery tools...my NEW bag of tricks. They help relieve the terror now, AND propel me a step closer to the life I want to live. A win/win situation.

My program is everything to me, and those 4 questions are the first thing I run to when I have one of those days (yesterday was one of those days)

It wasn't very long into my program that I realized the power of those simple questions in heading me off at the pass...

I journal, that is also part of my program...work it all out on paper, and take the most useful of what I discover and put it into another notebook that I read and re read to remind myself what my own sober self has learned, it's a bit like writing MY OWN big book...my daily journal is mostly scribble scrabble, but when a gem is found...I put it into my big book, because I have learned that it works. And when I find a gem elsewhere, it goes into my recovery journal as well.

I turn to my recovery journal when I am having one of those days, and even when I am not to remind myself of the truths I've learned or gleaned from others, of the committments I've made, and the rewards of sobriety.

My recovery journal never leaves me with a hangover, relapse or regrets, the way using does.

hope this helps

vegibean

Hey Ashlee, I hope you're feeling better today. I have learned for myself that when I get like that I need to find something to do. I had a total "mental" weekend and the best deal was when I got out with my son, walked around some shops and then we went to eat. I felt TONS better!!

Getting outside of our heads helps. The more you sit, the more you think about it, ya know?

You're doing great Girl, hang in there!

Liberty47

No offense to any of the dissenters but I am one of the ones who still has days when I want to "get high as a kite" (I love the way you put that) Life is a devil sometimes and being another opiate/pillhead who has unfortanately relapsed a lot I can say with certainty that days 30-45 are often the WORST due to the long length of time it takes for pills to come out of your body. The thing is Ashley you sound like you've got a really good attitude- you are not going to drink or use no matter what. Stay with that! I have been through hell with pills over the last few years, in and out of the program, and I am sure you know it doesn't get any better. One minute you are popping pills in your home and before you know it you are prostituting yourself literally and figuratively out on the streets, nothing matters but the next fix. I want to use so bad some days but I WILL NOT. It gets SO much better, I know that too. Stay strong, those pills will only bring you a living hell in the end!