Old 11-04-2009, 08:14 PM
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Welcome to SR!
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Old 11-04-2009, 08:17 PM
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Great posts! I hope that the mental obsession is an easy recovery for you. I too am a wino. White. Never did the box - but boy that bottle was never big enough. Two glasses...I wish!

Welcome to our support group. I am just finishing day 6. I have my moments during the day - but so far...I am ok. Postive thinking and only living in today. I can't think forward...
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Old 11-04-2009, 08:22 PM
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Welcome Payton!!!
It is great to have you here. I have found that a program of recovery has been really important to keep me from switching addictions cause that is what I do. I can abuse anything and have to work to keep balance and health in my life. But it is so worth it! I am very happy for you that you are already looking for support. Keep it up!
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Old 11-05-2009, 12:16 AM
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Welcome Payton!
I identify with the box wine issue - I was doing that too, buying box wine so my partner couldn't see how much I was drinking and top it off during the night. Can't believe I just admitted that to myself and didn't see it until just now.
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Old 11-05-2009, 01:59 AM
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to SR Payton. You know what? You found a great support site here
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:15 AM
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Why did I deny it for so long?!
Payton alcoholism is probaby the only disease that one of its primary symptoms is a denial of a problem! Many of us die still denying we are alcoholics..... sadly more alcoholics die then recover.

I am also in a very solid recovery from bulimia and SI.
Are you working a recovery program?

I use AA for my recovery, it amazed me how many alcoholics have eating disorders as well, the neat thing is that the alcoholics I know in AA that also have eating disorders use a variation of AAs 12 steps to maintain thier recovery for thier eating disorder as well.

One of my daughters is a recovering anorexic, we talk often about her recovery and mine as well, the similarities between alcoholism and anorexia aka Anna blow my mind, we speak of being powerless, of the absolute insanity, the knowing we are killing our selfs yet continuing on, and how we deal with our recovery. She is doing very well, but she says Anna will still speak to her every once in a while.
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Old 11-05-2009, 05:57 AM
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Welcome to SR Payton! I can relate to a lot of your story. I enjoyed my wine too. I also went through infertility issues and have a beautiful daughter as a result of IVF. Better to get the alcohol under control before you start not only because of the health and medical issues but because infertility and the IVF process is a very emotional rollercoaster. I wish I had had the forsight to stop before I started the process.
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Old 11-05-2009, 06:48 AM
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Tx, thank you so much. I am so glad to hear you have a wonderful child. I hope that happens for me too, I really do. We have been going through treatments for over a year and it has been devastating for me every time. I have relied more and more on daily drinking to get through it. I was going to put it off until January as a New Year's resolution, but I realized that would just be wasted time.

Taz, thank you for sharing that with me. I am sorry your daughter has suffered from an ED but I am so glad to hear that she is in recovery. How old is she?

I am not working any recovery program right now. I have to admit that I am afraid of AA because I no longer believe in God. I know I can still go - I am thinking about it.

What I really need is a therapist. It is time that I get into therapy. I need coping skills and don't really have many good ones that are not internally self-destructive.

I have avoided therapy for too long. I had two attempts with therapists that really were not very good. One was a therapist at my college - didn't do much for me. The second was an INSANE social worker who should never, ever been practicing therapy. I quit after it was clear she was in financial trouble and she became verbally abusive.

Since then I have done the best I could trying to maintain recovery from my eating disorder and self injury (which is kind of an accessory to my ED). I have dealt with AN & BN (and resulting mental illness) for 10 years and have made regular recovery attempts which were followed by relapses on an annual basis. I got to the point where my body was destroyed...I have been rebuilding it now for several years and I'm doing well. I am so much more stable than I have ever been. I am on an anti-depressant which has helped me tremendously. It seems that the main thing holding me back now is my alcohol use (which honestly has never been as...severe as my eating disorder, which has nearly ruined my life in multiple ways).

I guess I'm fortunate to know where addictions can lead - have seen it in my family, and have experienced it myself, so I have enough knowledge to know where this will go if I don't stop it now.

The last time I cut was in March after a failed fertility cycle. It scarred up terribly and has deterred me from ever doing that again. I have put on 13 lbs via exercise and diet since June 2008, when my BMI had dipped into the 16's. I am now at a normal weight (though on the low end) and BMI is 18.8. I have purged this year - and guess what, EVERY SINGLE TIME I forced myself to puke I had binge-drank and exploited myself in some way.

This past weekend (coupled with the Harvard article on alcohol's impact on IVF) was enough to make me want to stop. Friday night, I drank way too much. My husband told me I was "glassy-eyed." I came home and purged tons of red wine. Saturday, I felt horrific all day - terrible hangover. I counted the hours until I could drink again, so I would feel better. Started drinking before I went out, then at parties, ate food, went home, purged a bunch of food/beer/wine. At some point I came onto and had sex with my husband, got in the shower, and cried sloppy, drunk tears by myself. I am unsure of when this was. I believe it was Friday night.

That's enough. Seriously. I have had worse experiences - I have had some pretty awful experiences in the past - but this was unpleasant enough to make me want to stop.
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Old 11-05-2009, 08:23 AM
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I have my first therapy appointment scheduled for November 18th @ 6pm.

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Old 11-05-2009, 08:58 AM
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She is 17 now, she was 15 when we put her in treatment.
I am not working any recovery program right now. I have to admit that I am afraid of AA because I no longer believe in God. I know I can still go - I am thinking about it.
Payton I have a Higher power of my choosing and understanding, I call him God, but I could call him Bob, but God seems to fit nicely, did I find him in any religous text or faith? No butto me he seems to fit into them all. LOL

Payton therapy is of great benefit for many things, is your therapist a specialist in alcoholism and addictions? I have used therapist before, but never for my alcoholism. That being said I have friends in AA who do and have used therapist and they all have said the best ones they have dealt with were ones that were recovering alcoholics or addicts. There was a far better understanding of how they thought then therapist who were not.

I can tell you that I have found that by going to AA that fellow alcoholics in recovery understand me far better then any one else and I understand them as well. My wife does not have a clue when it comes to my alcoholism, she openly admits that she just does not get why I just could not stop and move on with my life.
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Old 11-05-2009, 09:07 AM
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Thank you so much Taz for your thoughts. I am so glad your daughter is in treatment. My parents confronted me in the past about my ED but never did anything about it, and once I learned to hide it they decided to believe my deception.

I am also very afraid of going to AA and seeing someone I know there - like someone who works at my work or lives in my neighborhood - and my facade of being functional cracking.

I'm afraid of telling my husband that I am going to AA - because then it seems serious, then it seems real. And permanent.

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Old 11-05-2009, 09:18 AM
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My neck is getting sore from nodding along....

Multiple addictions here...currently anorexia is among them.

Have issues with the way many AAers use the term God and Higher Power because I am a pantheist, and few people understand what that means and I find myself getting caught up in pointless arguments with people over my relationship to the Universe and the control issue thing.

so I understand some of the issues coming up here. I am working a recovery program and wind some AA materials into it.

The same issues come up in every solid recovery program, because the same issues underlay all addiction...but if the wording and packaging get between us and recovery...better just find a program that uses words that don't rub us the wrong way, but address the same issues.

lets keep moving forward together

and yes, if you go to 12 step meetings in your area you will doubtless run into people you encounter in other areas of life...and that is really scary at first, but also really encouraging, once it sinks in. we are all in this together, and do you think THEY are going to say "you'll never guess who I saw at my addiction group the other night..." I mean, think about that.
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Old 11-05-2009, 09:46 AM
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I am also very afraid of going to AA and seeing someone I know there - like someone who works at my work or lives in my neighborhood - and my facade of being functional cracking.
Payton you are not alone in that fear, first thing is that it is called Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason, it is an Anonymous program. That is not to say that some clown may bust you out, but the odds are pretty darn low. Think about it this way, let us say you go to an AA meeting and you see some one you work with there, what are you going to do.

Would you go back to work and say to every one "Guess who I saw at AA last night?" Heck no you would not do that because then the person you were telling would naturally ask "What were you doing there?" Now think a lottle harder, do you think they are going to rat you out? Nope, because they would be ratting them selfs out at the same time.

I work near DC, you would be amazed at who attends AA meetings on Capitol Hill! That is right!!! Some of the men and women who run this great country of ours, including elected officials at the fedral level are in AA! Now let us think about some of the rag newspapers like the National Enquirer, they could have a hay day with that knowledge if they chose to.

I personally know lawyers, prominant businessmen, even a Federal Judge in AA. There are several people I work with that work for the government in AA, I am a goverment contractor.

Here is a question to ask your self "Would I rather be known as a DRUNK or a recovering alcoholic in AA?

For me I today could give a rats patoot if some one knows I am in AA, I do not advertise it, but it is not a secret either.

A little over 3 years ago I was known by my family and many friends as a drunk, today they know me as a recovering alcoholic and not one of them has shunned me for being a recovering alcoholic, many of them did shun me when I was a drunk.

You know I used to think I did such a great job of fooling almost everyone about me being a drunk, today now that I am sober I am fully aware the only person I was fooling was ME!!!!
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Old 11-05-2009, 10:05 AM
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hello payton and welcome to sr.nice to meet you.i think taz's last post hit the nail on the head! everyone that i know and i thought i hid my alcoholism from is just delighted that i am in AA.the thing is,i had stopped driking before,but that was there i was not drinking,and everything was not ok.i was walking around with an untreated illness.alcoholism.if, and i say if you are like me then that is not a good place to be! i went to AA at the begining of the year after a false start some years ago and my life has changed beyond recognition in that short see for years i hid in the bottle,i thought i was doing good because i had good jobs,i didnt lose my family (just! my 17 yr old daughter lives with my sister but we never lost contact) and lots of other things like that.but it was all a facade.i stopped drinking and my crutch was gone,i needed to know how to live,and this is what the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous has given is marvelous these days.i fell like i am seeing the world with a new set of eyes and and a complete new set of feelings in my heart,it is difficult to explain.taz pointed out something that is very very important,that AA is anonymous,he made very valid points about it.there is no reason to be scared of it,everyone else is there for the same reason as you,and in this you find an amazing kinship.nobody on this planet understands us like we do.please keep us posted payton.i wish you well.please pm me if i can be of any assistance to you.
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Old 11-05-2009, 10:19 AM
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Payton, You're fortunate in that you've recognized your propensity toward alcoholism early on and are committed to doing something about it. If you've been lurking, you know the drill about this being a progressive disease and all that. And the fact that your husband is supportive is a double blessing.

The Taz is right in that you should seek out a support group. Like him, I'm in AA and have been for years. Without it, my recovery would never have happened. Please don't be afraid of AA. The people you meet there are just like you and have the same problems you have. You're not gonna break your cover by going to a meeting. AA is kinda like Vegas. What happens there stays there. And your next door neighbor will probably be more suprised that you saw her there than she you. AA is a program that is remarkably successful for those who thoroughly follow the program. And it's a simple program of alcoholics helping other alcoholics. You may want to try a Woman's Only meeting to start as that may make you more comfortable. But give it a try. It's free and there's always coffee available. And you need to also understand that this disease is serious, real, and permanent. Telling or not telling your husband you want to attend AA will never change that.

As to the other issues you have, I also suggest a good therapist but be sure as Taz said that you pick one who deals with addictions as well as eating disorders.
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Old 11-05-2009, 10:50 AM
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Welcome, and best of luck with your sobriety and the other things you're trying to make happen in your life.
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Old 11-05-2009, 10:58 AM
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Payton if you ever need to talk about ED recovery, I'll get back to you right away. I've been there, and I know that suffering and punishment and that oppressive need to control. I was cross addicted with the ED and codependency with an alcoholic.

Please please hit me up if you need to talk or vent.
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Old 11-05-2009, 10:59 AM
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welcome to SR!
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Old 11-05-2009, 10:59 AM
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Thank you all so much - you have eased some of my fears about AA. I think a women's only meeting would be good for me, in addition to a therapist. Anyway I suppose you can't know if you don't try it, right?

Originally Posted by joedris View Post
And you need to also understand that this disease is serious, real, and permanent. Telling or not telling your husband you want to attend AA will never change that.
Thank you for that reality check - that it's there in all its danger no matter who I tell or what I tell them.

My brain told me at lunch today that I could "just have one drink tonight"....I told it no.

What a place of unease this is right now.

My good friend told me today - "That's something I've learned about life...the scarier the changes the better they are for you!"
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Old 11-05-2009, 11:14 AM
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Payton, I've read pretty much everything you have posted since you've joinged SR and I have to say you seem to know what you need to do. It's just taking those final steps to get there. If it wasn't for this site and just being able to get on and realize that I'm not the only one who has these problems I don't know where I would be now. This place keeps me on the right path. Just knowing that their are others like me who struggle everyday makes a difference. I'm not alone. With all the encouragement you have received (and given) I think you are well on your way. I wish you the best!
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