Payton

Hi everyone,

I just wrote a very long post, but then the connection died out and it was erased! I will keep it simple this time.

I've lurked for a long time here and I am really impressed with this community.

Today is Day 1 for me of no alcohol. I do not have a dramatic story of chaos and destruction, but alcoholism is rampant in my family, and I am afraid I am (or am becoming) dependent.

I am a daily drinker (1-2 drinks on weeknights and more on weekends) and the daily "should I or shouldn't I?" dance I start at about 5 pm every day is stressful and anxiety-provoking for me. Going without is uncomfortable for me. That's a bad sign. I have stressed a lot about whether or not what I'm doing isn't good. I finally realized that if I'm stressing this much, it means there's a problem. The amount of angst I'm having over wanting to drink all the time versus worrying about it is not good.

Sometimes my head tells me wouldn't it be nice to have a drink when I'm home on my lunch hour, wouldn't it be nice to have a mimosa, etc. Things that I KNOW are insane and have never, ever done - but it freaks me out that "someone" in my head makes the suggestion.

I tend toward binge drinking too - no huge episodes in the past year, but I have some pretty bad episodes in the past - and it's a sometimes a real struggle to limit myself.

Anyway, I think at heart I am probably an alcoholic, just right now one who is not very far in progression. Why not stop now before anything in my life is affected negatively?

I am also in a very solid recovery from bulimia and SI. Life is really good right now - I have a fantastic husband, good job, I'm in school, extremely healthy. I just do not want drinking to become any more a presence in my life than it already is, and I see it heading in a not so good direction. I am afraid of the potential.

The greatest challenge in my life right now is a horrible struggle with infertility that has been very, very difficult. I think the nail in the coffin was an article I read yesterday that the woman having just 4 drinks a week decreases the odds of success for IVF. We are going to try IVF in 2010, and I can't think of a better time to get my life completely together.

I just told my husband and he is supportive.

I don't know why I picked today and I'm not sure what to expect, but it just feels right. Thank you for reading.

Horselover

Welcome Payton. SR is a wonderful resource as you probably know since you've been reading here before. It has helped me stay sober and it can help you too. I think you are making a good decision. Everyone's "bottom" or just reason for staying sober differs, but the goal is the same - not to drink. You can do it. Take it one day at a time and post here if you have any urges you need help with.

I have read that also about the infertility and drinking. I actually quit to have a child, but unfortunately, started again after a period of time after he was born. He is 6 years old now and is the biggest blessing of my life. I am very pleased that drinking didn't prevent him from being in my life. I also am glad I made the decision to be a sober Mommy.

You can do this and it sounds like you have a lot of good reasons for stopping. I look forward to seeing you around SR.

Payton

Thank you so much.

I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders after just admitting that I'm an alcoholic. Why did I deny it for so long?!

I'm glad to be here today.

Surlyredhead

Hi Payton and welcome!!!
Today is a great day to start the sober life! Especially if you are planning to start a family soon. A healthy mind and body are just what you need for the baby! We are here for you...

Cathy

Dee74

Welcome to SR Payton
I think you're making some great choices!

Good luck with both your sobriety and trying IVF next year
Glad to have you aboard

D

yukonm

NewMe11109

Couldn't have said it better myself. That was me.

Welcome to SR Payton! Keep posting and reading.

Payton

Thank you all so much!! It is so nice to see all of your kind comments. This place is amazing.

Wolfchild

Payton

I just poured out my new box of wine and told my husband face to face that I'm serious, I think I have a problem, and I need to be accountable. He said he agreed that my drinking worries him. I told him that I want to be sober. It was a good conversation.

I am glad to get rid of that box of wine.

NewMe11109

It is great that your husband is being supportive. Well done!

One day at a time.

SeekingPeace01

Payton! Congratulations for taking charge of your situation before it gets incredibly out of control! Your current behavior sounds a great deal like my behavior about ten years ago. I wish I'd had the forward thinking you display

I'm on Day 2! Tomorrow will be easier. So much peace and wellness to you!! Thanks for sharing your story . . .

Horselover

That was what I was buying Payton. A box of wine every 2 days maybe less. It scared the you know what out of my husband and myself. I can't imagine the quantity I was downing every night. The box was cheaper then the bottles and easier to dispose of.

Good for you for dumping it.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Payton

Thank you SO MUCH everyone!

AND it's a lot easier to get away with how much you're drinking - my husband would know if he saw empty bottles of wine, but there's no way he could keep tabs on a box....so I'd keep "topping off" all night long. Bad news.

I started cooking, and instantly wanted a glass. It was uncomfortable, but then I started to really focus on the cooking and zone out. I told myself that the urge would pass, and it did, though I still feel kind of like a child without a security blanket.

Thank you again so much.

Horselover

Payton, topping it off was me too. I can't believe I forgot about that and most likely, that was a major part of why I went to the box. My Mom hasn't quit drinking, but she has not allowed boxes of wine in her house any more. She feels better about it and less apt to drink as much with a bottle. My problem was the bottles weren't big enough. OMG! Thank you for bringing this back to me Payton. Its so good to remember just how much I was drinking and why I desperately needed to stop.

mirage

Nice to meet you, Payton...glad you're here! It is like a security blanket, isn't it? Looking forward to reading more about how you're doing!

Payton

Mirage, yes it is!

Horselover, you're welcome! Thank you for the same reminder that what I have been doing is not ok.

I am scared - but I need to force myself to think ONLY about tonight.

Payton

I also forgot to add that I got an authorization number from my insurance, found an in-network psych clinic in my area, and left a message for their intake coordinator. They called me back 10 minutes later, but I was getting into an elevator so I could not take the call.

I need to receive treatment - not only for substance abuse, but for depression, my struggle with infertility, trauma issues, and my continuing recovery from bulimia and self-injury. Each time I tried to control my ED or SI, my drinking would escalate, and I would cycle through these addictions. No more. It is time I stop denying myself real help and numbing my feelings with self-destructive behavior.

Horselover

:praying For you to receive the necessary help that will guide you in the direction you need to go for recovery. Take gentle care of yourself. Don't hesitate to pm me any time you need to talk. I work mornings, but I'll check in.