Introduction
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
Hi, wonderful Payton! It is you-know-who, since you referred me here. (Oops incorrect emoticon, am going to refrain from using too many until I know what they actually look like! Ha.) We're both on Day 2 today and I am very proud of us both. I'm so glad that you knew of this site and are taking advantage of it and I'm thankful you recommended it to a few of us, too. I hope to see more of our friends over here.
I adore you and I'm here for you!
I adore you and I'm here for you!
Here is a question to ask your self "Would I rather be known as a DRUNK or a recovering alcoholic in AA?"
So true! Tazman you always say the right things You get me thinking in terms of reality. thinking about facts. My brain has been in some fantasy world for so long. You are bringing me back down to earth...Thanks.
Payton...I AM going to my first meeting tonight. I am really nervous...scared. I have to go because it is getting harder each day. Although this forum has gotten me through 8 days I can sense my willpower fading...the novelty wearing off. I think I need more then this computer and mystery voices encouraging me. I need human interaction..I need to be seen. I need to complete the first step...I couldn't even read all 12 steps when I got the book...way to overwhelming...Step one is way to overwhelming....but I can say I need help...and I am ready to go get it. I will post about my first meeting and I can't wait to hear about yours.
You are so smart and brave to be doing this now. I have small children and my drinking got worse it seems with each. Being a mommy is so hard...it will drive you to drink and if you already have issues with that well then you may end up not being able to clearly remember their first birthday party. I wish I could give you great advice and tell you a success story but I can't. I can tell you my oldest is 5 and I wish I had made this decision 6 years ago.
Jo
So true! Tazman you always say the right things You get me thinking in terms of reality. thinking about facts. My brain has been in some fantasy world for so long. You are bringing me back down to earth...Thanks.
Payton...I AM going to my first meeting tonight. I am really nervous...scared. I have to go because it is getting harder each day. Although this forum has gotten me through 8 days I can sense my willpower fading...the novelty wearing off. I think I need more then this computer and mystery voices encouraging me. I need human interaction..I need to be seen. I need to complete the first step...I couldn't even read all 12 steps when I got the book...way to overwhelming...Step one is way to overwhelming....but I can say I need help...and I am ready to go get it. I will post about my first meeting and I can't wait to hear about yours.
You are so smart and brave to be doing this now. I have small children and my drinking got worse it seems with each. Being a mommy is so hard...it will drive you to drink and if you already have issues with that well then you may end up not being able to clearly remember their first birthday party. I wish I could give you great advice and tell you a success story but I can't. I can tell you my oldest is 5 and I wish I had made this decision 6 years ago.
Jo
Dojoro, thank you so much for the advice and encouragement! How did your first meeting go?
Almost instantly after waking up I felt so much happiness that I was waking up without a groggy hangover.
I was a little freaked out last night but I made it. I am really relying on the one day at a time thing. I can't think about forever and ever - it's too scary. I just tell myself to get though one night at a time.
We watched a movie last night, and it was nice. I don't remember the last time i watched a movie without drinking.
Memories of all of the awful things that I did while drinking are flooding back and causing shame. Is this normal?
I am on Day 3.
Almost instantly after waking up I felt so much happiness that I was waking up without a groggy hangover.
I was a little freaked out last night but I made it. I am really relying on the one day at a time thing. I can't think about forever and ever - it's too scary. I just tell myself to get though one night at a time.
We watched a movie last night, and it was nice. I don't remember the last time i watched a movie without drinking.
Memories of all of the awful things that I did while drinking are flooding back and causing shame. Is this normal?
I am on Day 3.
I have the memories flooding back thing going on also. Things I never thought of before but now are so blatantly obvious I had a problem way back. It is scary but helpful since it makes me realize my desperation to get help now.
Went to the meeting but never went in. Circled around three times and went home. There was only one car and a van. It scared me that I would be one of two people. Trying again today at 10:30 starting the two hour countdown all over again...I'll keep you posted. Great job yesterday...we can do this!
Jo
Went to the meeting but never went in. Circled around three times and went home. There was only one car and a van. It scared me that I would be one of two people. Trying again today at 10:30 starting the two hour countdown all over again...I'll keep you posted. Great job yesterday...we can do this!
Jo
Payton and Jo...I wish we could all go to our first meeing together. My guess at why this is so scarey for me is....ego,pride,beng vulnerable,the unknown.
Today I am going to get the schedule of meetings for my area.
I canceled my appt with counselor today. I was PO'ed at my self for drinking again.Wish I hadn't canceled it now.
Day 2...feeling better.
Today I am going to get the schedule of meetings for my area.
I canceled my appt with counselor today. I was PO'ed at my self for drinking again.Wish I hadn't canceled it now.
Day 2...feeling better.
Memories of all of the awful things that I did while drinking are flooding back and causing shame. Is this normal?
My counselor explained it this way: You have 3 voices in your head that we call or mistake for our conscience.
1) The parent. Critical,judmental,shaming
2)The adult. (YOU), balanced thinking,choices,decision making,mature
3)The child.(Your inner child) easily shamed,hears the "Parent" loud and clear but not always the "Adult", sad,whinny,easily influenced,often spoiled,,,wants what she wants it when she wants because she wants it.
I'm not covering it all but this is most what I recall from our conversation.
So when the voice says I can just have one drink today or wouldn't it be fun to catch a buzz and watch tv or whateverthat is the child wanting what is not good for her but what "FEELS" good.
The parent is that voice that you hear (I hear) before I fully awake and still drunk from the night before saying WTH...you're a loser. Nothing but a drunk. What is wrong with you? You're such a screw up. And on and on....
So it is up to me to retrain me the adult into telling the parent I'm fully aware of what I've done and today is new. You shut up and go back to where ever you came from.
The adult also needs to be the decision maker, balanced, healthy and mature. Saying no to the child when begging for one more drink or comforting, nuturing when sad, reassuring when afraid of being without what makes you "FEEL" good.
Make any sense? It does to me but I'm still trying to train myself to listen, sort it out and organize my voices.
My counselor explained it this way: You have 3 voices in your head that we call or mistake for our conscience.
1) The parent. Critical,judmental,shaming
2)The adult. (YOU), balanced thinking,choices,decision making,mature
3)The child.(Your inner child) easily shamed,hears the "Parent" loud and clear but not always the "Adult", sad,whinny,easily influenced,often spoiled,,,wants what she wants it when she wants because she wants it.
I'm not covering it all but this is most what I recall from our conversation.
So when the voice says I can just have one drink today or wouldn't it be fun to catch a buzz and watch tv or whateverthat is the child wanting what is not good for her but what "FEELS" good.
The parent is that voice that you hear (I hear) before I fully awake and still drunk from the night before saying WTH...you're a loser. Nothing but a drunk. What is wrong with you? You're such a screw up. And on and on....
So it is up to me to retrain me the adult into telling the parent I'm fully aware of what I've done and today is new. You shut up and go back to where ever you came from.
The adult also needs to be the decision maker, balanced, healthy and mature. Saying no to the child when begging for one more drink or comforting, nuturing when sad, reassuring when afraid of being without what makes you "FEEL" good.
Make any sense? It does to me but I'm still trying to train myself to listen, sort it out and organize my voices.
the scarier the changes the better they are for you!"
It took a lot for me to just call up the hotline to make the doctors appoiintment, once I managed to do that, then another step out, seeing the doctor and then a huge leap out from my comfort zone............... Telling the truth!!!! Then LISTENING and doing as the doctor suggested and actually going into detox.............. then another major step, detox required us going to AA meetings every night, but I was so meesed up from what ever they were giving me in detox that I got little out of them, they really did not make sense.
The biggest step was the day I got out of detox............ my old comfort zone called to me loudly "Go get a 12 pack and let us settle in" I made myself go to a local AA meeting and I spilled the beans all over them!!! No body ran away or looked at me in total disgust! Many nodded thier heads, they had all been right where I was, they knew I was still in a fog and they knew the insanity running through my head, they had been there, they understood. What did they do? They shared with me how they had come from being like I was at that instant to where they were at that night.
Yep, I stepped out of the bowels of hell into the loving arms of people who had been in the same hell I just left, they had found a way out of it, they reached thier hands out to me and said "Here, take my hand, follow me along the path I took as I followed behind many others who have taken this path before me.
I wanted what these folks had and they told me if I wanted it all I had to do is do what they had done and they would guide me as they had been guided.
JKaren, thank you! I was on my way home for lunch and new and awful flashbacks of things I have done started coming up, and I was humilated, etc....and I actively sought out my "adult" voice and said, "that is why I am not doing that today, thank you very much." The mean voice went away.
Taz, thank you for sharing that with me, that was so inspiring.
I just had a realization and I'm very nervous about it.
My mother is an extremely well known and prominent figure in the city I live in. Just realized there is NO doubt I will see someone who knows her/works with her/has been helped by her, especially if I stay around my home or workplace. I don't want my parents to know ANYTHING about this. I don't want someone else to know and know that my parents don't know and then interact with my parents and be thinking of all of my secrets that I would reveal and how I am f-ed up and my parents are clueless and supposed to be such enlightened people and xyzafgd'klshmktl;mklstl mks rtkhl' UGHHHHHHHHHH
Not to mention that my parents are always harping on not-drinking because of all of the alcoholics in my family, and this will prove them right, etc, my mom does things like tell me not to drink but then wants to drink with me when she comes over to my house, because my dad is like, rabid anti-alcohol. I can't stand them seeing me as a sick person, f-up, dysfunctional and self-hating, etc, etc. They think i'm well, have been in denial for years, our whole family dynamic was to present a perfect image while behind that we were a disaster.
This makes me want to NOT go to AA at all AND quit this whole thing.
Taz, thank you for sharing that with me, that was so inspiring.
I just had a realization and I'm very nervous about it.
My mother is an extremely well known and prominent figure in the city I live in. Just realized there is NO doubt I will see someone who knows her/works with her/has been helped by her, especially if I stay around my home or workplace. I don't want my parents to know ANYTHING about this. I don't want someone else to know and know that my parents don't know and then interact with my parents and be thinking of all of my secrets that I would reveal and how I am f-ed up and my parents are clueless and supposed to be such enlightened people and xyzafgd'klshmktl;mklstl mks rtkhl' UGHHHHHHHHHH
Not to mention that my parents are always harping on not-drinking because of all of the alcoholics in my family, and this will prove them right, etc, my mom does things like tell me not to drink but then wants to drink with me when she comes over to my house, because my dad is like, rabid anti-alcohol. I can't stand them seeing me as a sick person, f-up, dysfunctional and self-hating, etc, etc. They think i'm well, have been in denial for years, our whole family dynamic was to present a perfect image while behind that we were a disaster.
This makes me want to NOT go to AA at all AND quit this whole thing.
Last edited by Payton; 11-06-2009 at 11:02 AM.
Great story, old timer talking about folks being embarrassed by the possibility that someone might see them walking into the church to attend an AA meeting. Guy said, I wasn't embarrassed to be seen outside that church, drunk or throwing up or pi**ing in the bushes.
Payton,
You are expecting the I told you so from your Dad and possibly Mom but you really need to think about what you want. Why you want to quit drinking? Make a list and read or better yet go back in your posts and read them of why you want to quit.
Don't listen to the voices, go to a meeting and just see how it goes. I'm going tonight. I think...I'm scared too and preaching to the choir.
Hang in there!:ghug3
You are expecting the I told you so from your Dad and possibly Mom but you really need to think about what you want. Why you want to quit drinking? Make a list and read or better yet go back in your posts and read them of why you want to quit.
Don't listen to the voices, go to a meeting and just see how it goes. I'm going tonight. I think...I'm scared too and preaching to the choir.
Hang in there!:ghug3
My husband is very active in the community. Local business owner. He knows everyone. We go to tons of functions throughout the year, I had the same fear as you. I have been to three meetings and have yet to see someone I know. I think some may know my husband but it just isn't an issue. At this point I wouldn't care if I saw someone I know because there is such a trust, a bond in that room that I really don't feel I would be outed...or tattled on. I would never tell my own husband anyone I saw at a meeting...even if it was his best friend. I tell my husband everything...sometimes things I am not supposed to at the request of a friend but the one thing about AA I won't share with him are the idenities of the people in that room. I got that the first day...you'll feel it to when you go. I hope you are having a good day
Jo
Jo
Thank you so much Jo for the reassurance! Good for you for having been to 3 meetings - wow! I am going to see if I can get to a meeting on Wednesday evening.
I am finishing up 5 days sober and I am very excited about it. I can't believe how productive I've been and how rested I'm starting to feel. It feels so good to wake up without guilt or anxiety.
I am finishing up 5 days sober and I am very excited about it. I can't believe how productive I've been and how rested I'm starting to feel. It feels so good to wake up without guilt or anxiety.
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