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Old 04-04-2009, 09:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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New and .. give me a shot


Hi
(Preface: I believe all of you deserve to know: I wrote this post whilst I was drunk. I'm sorry if this breaks a rule ala AA.)

I'm what you would call a high functioning alcoholic. I've doubled my salary in the first year and a half out of college, yet I have been sober maybe 30-60 days out of that time. (That is probably a very lame thing to state in my second sentence, but it is something that has disturbed me: How can I be a drunk and the best employee?) I'm married to the most amazing woman on this planet. I must not understate this. I just got a 30% raise in the friggin FINANCE industry: They are laying off people left and right, and I am getting a huge raise... I feel guilty. Yet, despite the fact I have everything going for me... well I assume everyone knows here better than I can put it in words... I'm a drunk. The only excuse I can give is the fact that both my parents are alcoholics. However, I've known this since I was 15, and I am too smart too let that be an excuse. I'm not looking for advice exactly, I just want to get this off my chest.

Please, feel free to pass along the appropriate a$$ kicking that will point me in the right direction.
(I am going to AA tomorrow, if that helps).

-Ryan
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Old 04-04-2009, 09:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Good luck dude. It sounds like you are pretty young, which makes it a really good time for you to address your situation.
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Old 04-04-2009, 10:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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No SR rule exists about posting drunk.
Or sharing part of your drunk story when sober.

Welcome to our community

I do use AA as my recovery program
it's an awesome adventure in living sober....

Blessings to you and your wife
Please keep in touch ...congratulations on chooseing a healthier future.
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Old 04-04-2009, 10:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Agreed I am young

I am young. I am trying to fix my situation because... I am trying to fully realize the gifts that I have been given. I still have the opportunity to make sure that alcohol, the bane of my family's existence, leaves my destiny untouched. And yet, the power it presents over me seems to overpower both the will power I possess, and the ... um... sorry to quote Huey... the power of love I have experienced. I realize all the gifts I have been given. Yet, I feel the power of a simple drink that might well destroy me, as it has most people in my family.

I realize that this is my cross to bear, but I need a place to bear my soul when it comes to alcohol. I must say, I am leaving it up to this forum, and AA, to bear that cross. I only hope that I can help out a community as large as the community as the one I am bowing down now to for support.

God bless,
Ryan
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Old 04-04-2009, 10:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hey sadlion,

Welcome to SR.

I sincerely doubt that anyone here will give you a shot or the like. The main purpose of this group is to support people who are trying to get sober and learn how to live sober.

Being a drunk like me has nothing to do with money, earnings or ability to earn while others are getting the boot. Most hardcore alcoholics that I know are very functional, intelligent and deeply caring people. Somewhere along the line we lost our ability to control alcohol, and our consumption of it began to have very adverse effects on our lives. What brought us here is that we were hopeless in our efforts to regain control and our lives had become empty shells of what they once were. The support we share helps us stay sober when we alone could not. It is a daily struggle, but it does get easier with time.

I am glad you found SR and have not reached the depths of despair that some of us have. My drinking history lasted over thirty years, so I've lost, gained, then lost again all the things many people think will bring us happiness. I was miserable as a drunk and now struggle to stay sober, sometimes by the hour, but it is a better way to live. I am happier most of the time, but the cravings still come and the thought patterns of many years are hard to reverse.

I hope you can stop now, before you experience the losses that many of us have had to endure. Keep coming back.
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Old 04-04-2009, 10:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
everything is already ok
 
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Old 04-04-2009, 10:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Ryan. Good to have you here. Even drunk, your post is pretty decent. I'll try to avoid @ss kicking because you don't seem to need it at this point. You are looking for some answers or help or somewhere to vent, and that's a great first step! And I'll be honest: I was drinking when I first posted, too. Hey, I was here for help.

Like you I actually did pretty well with alcohol. I worked and took 20 hours of classes (upper-level science classes and calculus, etc); I was a great student, not just passed but got A's and B's. And I drank every day, most of the time until I blacked out. That was my life and it was pretty depressing to me. Even with all the amazing things I had going I still felt like a loser. Eventually though my performance at work and school started to suffer, I became more depressed. In my case I started doing drugs as well, which sure didn't help the situation.

Good for you on not making excuses. Go to AA tomorrow, it's a great resource for a lot of people. If you find that won't work for you, there are other programs and resources available. My "program" is right here, these forums, and it works for me. The important thing is to find a way to accomplish your goals.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 04-04-2009, 10:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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firestorm090,
Thanks for the exact kind of no bs a$$ kicking I wanted. I know that I have an illness I have to defeat, despite the fact that I have all of the benefits anyone should expect in this world. I have experienced first hand the depths of this disease after years of its affliction. I must defeat it now, or else I will suffer a much worse demise. Thanks for calling me out on expecting different results despite the fact I want to associate financial benefits with weapons against my disease.

Thank you Gneiss
Sadly, I seem to only experience serious emotions under the influence, which might explain my mostly coherent... well, lets be real, Sober Recovery forum posts. Honestly, where exactly do you get credit for posting well formatted, grammatically correct drunk posts about being an alcoholic? Ha! I hope my AA experience can help me with this issue.
God bless,
Ryan
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Old 04-04-2009, 10:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sadlion View Post
Honestly, where exactly do you get credit for posting well formatted, grammatically correct drunk posts about being an alcoholic?
Exactly.

30 days ago I was pulled over by the police after drinking 12 beers and snorting methamphetamine. And you know what? I played it off like a professional. The cop didn't have enough to arrest me. He searched my car, but he didn't even give me a field sobriety test, I acted perfectly. But really, who cares? Being so accomplished a drinker and druggie that you can even b.s. a cop (the head of the city's drug enforcement program, actually. Friend's dad knows him) is not something to be proud of.

With no offense intended to any LPs, being an accomplished drunk is sorta like being the tallest midget.
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Old 04-04-2009, 11:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hey sadlion,

My mother was an alcoholic and my father rarely drank, so this disease is indiscriminate in who it affects, or destroys. I think one of the greatest assets you have right now is your understanding of the insidious nature of this beast and your recognition of it's destructive potential in your life. On the flip side, you have a great opportunity to address why you drink, which is in essence the hole we try to fill with alcohol. Over time, we seem to develop a huge abyss within us, a cavity that cannot be filled with any amount of alcohol. We can have all the supporting structures in place to hold our lives together, but our foundation is weak and that is where we are vulnerable. Sobriety gives us a chance to correct the flaws in our foundations. Coming from a family that drank, the foundation was poorly set to begin with, at least for me. Maybe you're the same, or similar. That's why it's great to learn from others here, they've helped me immensely and I'm sure if you stick around, it will help you too.
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Old 04-05-2009, 12:09 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
Hey sadlion,

Welcome to SR.

I sincerely doubt that anyone here will give you a shot or the like. The main purpose of this group is to support people who are trying to get sober and learn how to live sober.

Being a drunk like me has nothing to do with money, earnings or ability to earn while others are getting the boot. Most hardcore alcoholics that I know are very functional, intelligent and deeply caring people. Somewhere along the line we lost our ability to control alcohol, and our consumption of it began to have very adverse effects on our lives. What brought us here is that we were hopeless in our efforts to regain control and our lives had become empty shells of what they once were. The support we share helps us stay sober when we alone could not. It is a daily struggle, but it does get easier with time.

I am glad you found SR and have not reached the depths of despair that some of us have. My drinking history lasted over thirty years, so I've lost, gained, then lost again all the things many people think will bring us happiness. I was miserable as a drunk and now struggle to stay sober, sometimes by the hour, but it is a better way to live. I am happier most of the time, but the cravings still come and the thought patterns of many years are hard to reverse.

I hope you can stop now, before you experience the losses that many of us have had to endure. Keep coming back.
Unfortunately, for whatever reason, when I was down in detox about two weeks ago my detox nurse told me that many times the people who abuse alcohol are very intelligent. However with continued abuse of any drug that capacity will of course decrease with time. So it's definitely a good thing you realized you had a problem with the booze. Like will say at first it'll suck and you'll want to have a drink but if you can get past those first couple of days, then weeks, and eventually months it gets easier (at least that is what I hear from those with many months or years of sobriety on here as I'm only on day 13). And I'm not sure if anyone has said this but it might be a good idea to go see your doctor and be completely honest with him/her about you'r drinking. He/she will be able to give guidance, at least on the health aspects, better than any of us could. Good luck and keep posting.

Welcome to SR.
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Old 04-05-2009, 01:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Welcome. This forum is not AA, so don't worry about any AA rules.

If you want to go to AA that is great (I go to AA myself) and the best forum for AA related stuff is the alcoholism 12 step forum.

But what we really are is a bunch of people who (mostly) support sobriety, however you can get there. Keep posting there is a lot of good support here.
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Old 04-05-2009, 04:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Alcoholism is progressive. It WILL get worse, no matter how long it takes you to get to that point. It may be sooner or later, but it will happen. And you never know when something awful will happen. It could be any time, but it will happen. I was lucky that nothing awful had happened to me - YET. But I wasn't counting that I had lost the respect of my kids and even my self respect. I didn't like that I had to hide my wine consumption from my kids. If what I was doing was alright, why was I hiding it? It took me months of trying to control my drinking to realize that I could not control it. And then, I had over six months of sobriety when I drank for one day, and found that I felt just as guilty and ashamed and sick as before.

I now have about 50 days sober and intend to stay that way, one sober day at a time. I'm happier now and have my self respect back, as well as the respect of my kids. I have money for things I need cause I'm not spending it on wine. I never have to worry about getting a DUI cause I'm never driving under the influence. I don't have to worry about the damage alcohol does to the body and mind.

Alcohol can do nothing good for me and will do everything bad. I'm glad I stopped drinking. My life is much better now and I intend to keep it that way.
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Old 04-05-2009, 04:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
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sadlion

I hope you are going to come back here today after last night is just a (non?) memory.

We read many posts like yours, highly functioning, often younger people with their whole lives ahead of them, with their futures so bright they have to wear shades...

I did great in college, grad school... awesome wife (she's still awesome BTW), respect, admiration, beautiful kids, home... and... a brother and father who were alcoholic... my father was 24 years in AA before he died happy and at peace at 63 and my brother, who didn't have it all, then, now 23 years in AA, and has it all ...

I loved to drink, and other things, and had many years of relative sobriety, punctuated with many binges.... something went off in my head.... 5 (?) years ago.... daily drinker, anytime of the day... almost lost it all...

Listen to that voice inside your head. Go to AA, let us know how you are. Whether you really know it or not, no alcoholic is bigger or stronger than alcohol... that's why there is the 1st step... no one can do it themselves... that's why there is AA (or SR, LifeRing, etc).... and you need help to recover ... that's where the God (OK, higher power...)thing comes in....

Hope to hear back from you, welcome to SR!

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Last edited by Mark75; 04-05-2009 at 04:50 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 04-05-2009, 06:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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wow- I wish I would have had your awareness when I was younger, I have drank heavily (and cycled Cubile!) for more years than I can remember,in late 40's and drank mostly every day since early 20's- very much a 'functioning alcoholic' if that even makes sense which I dont really think it does. And now I am trying hard and struggling in recovery- much harder (believe me- it is beyond hard) than it would have been if I had taken control of this addiction earlier. Much like you- I have had everything, except sobriety which is most important. Best wishes and be tough.
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Old 04-05-2009, 07:19 AM   #16 (permalink)
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hi and welcome to sr.........i reckon your in the right place

Im not gonna drag you across hot coals or kick your behind...because if your an alcoholic like me..your do a better job on yourself.

I already know your an alcoholic like me....because your driven by the insane notion that you wont get drunk this time.....and keep doing it..over and over.

Scary aint it.....outwardly your a achiever with all the trapping of the good life...inwardly...if only you could drink like other social drinkers...thats the way i thought anyway.

At one point in my life many years ago i had all the material stuff i could want.
Fast cars...big houses....but i just wasnt happy...it was never enough.
And i had a secret......i needed a drink to get out of bed.

It was surprising how all my "Friends"..lost interest in me when i was a gutter drunk
Living in shop doorways and going to soup kitchens......and dying slowly.

Right at the bottom of your post you wrote..."im going to AA if that helps"

If your alcoholic like me.....and your willing to go to any lengths to stay sober you will find the solution to your dilema there..
And you will know a new freedom.......believe me it true...i have seen it happen many times......to myself included.

I have found a new happiness and freedom.....something i couldnt find even when i had all the gold i could eat.
I have a modest life in terms of possesions...but in my head i am rich beyond my wildest dreams......most days..lol

Get to that AA meeting my friend......and get yourself a big book..in the first few pages you will see that thousands of people have recovered from alcoholism.....AND SO CAN YOU.

keep coming to sr and let us know how you get on... post any questions you might have.

Feel free to pm me anytime.....and know this...it is possible.

God be with you and guild you........trucker.
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Old 04-05-2009, 08:29 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I don't believe there are any @ss kickings here.

However, you coming here and spilling it and also going to a meeting? I would say that is an awesome start! Congrats.
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Old 04-05-2009, 09:08 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Welcome Ryan. I hope you'll let us know how you're feeling today. With all the wisdom in these responses, I have nothing new to add. I'm older too, and I promise you even our best and brightest can be brought to their knees by this disease. In my 20's I would have laughed at the idea I'd ever end up with 3 DUI's, ruined relationships, terrible health - but it all happened to me. Be happy that you are armed with so much knowledge and are wise enough to reach out for help before this damn disease takes you down.
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Old 04-05-2009, 09:38 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Hi Ryan welcome to SR. Alcoholism is a progressive illness, it gets worse over time. Stick around and read and learn, and great job going to AA, I hope it helps.
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Old 04-05-2009, 10:10 AM   #20 (permalink)
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nice to meet you, ryan. keep posting and reading!

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