Numblady

NC, I am so excited for you! Try not to let the pangs of guilt get to you. You will be far more equipped to help your husband if you feel like you are making choices for what you need, and I’m sure it will help you all have something besides your shared business to focus on. I hope the transition keeps going as well as it can!

The therapy session did and did not help with the wanting to drink. It helped in the short term but further illustrates I’ve got some more hard work to do! She basically said that for anyone who struggles with an addiction, a relapse is guaranteed until you are living a juicy full life that gets the whatever you were seeking with your fix. We talked further about how I hadn’t found an off switch and she made me go even further than that to try and ask myself why I needed an off switch. In other words, why would I not just let myself relax, what judgments and criticism do I have around being unproductive, indulging in joyful activities for myself, etc. She is smart as hell, and sometimes I really don’t like her

things are ok on the marital front. I realize I am not bringing a ton to the table right now with work beating down on me and still sucking at articulating my needs, so I’m going to try and do the same thing I am doing with the kids which is just bits of connected time, without trying to look out across of the horizon of all the things that need to be addressed/changed/learned to live with/etc.

Have a wonderful day all!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

NL: I'm glad the therapy session at least offered some short-term respite from the AV. I think it's probably true that we all need to work on the long term solutions of identifying and satisfying the 'thing/s' that we had been trying to satisfy or numb with alcohol, though as you say yourself, they're often the things that we really don't want to face up to or the most difficult to define and understand. It sounds like you're doing some really great work there, though, and I appreciate you sharing your journey with us as it definitely gives me pause for introspection and reflection also. It's funny you mention not 'bringing much to the table' with work and life taking it out of you right now, I have been thinking a lot about what I want the next chapter to look like and I keep noticing recurring melancholy as I contemplate the fact that in life, it seems as though a happy balance is almost always elusive - something always has to give.

I hope everyone is having a great week so far, thinking of you all

Numblady

Hi NC! Yeah that elusive balance thing. Still wondering if I can ever find that.

Not much to report here. Just working like a crazy person. Woke up at 3 a.m. today, 4 a.m. yesterday, and 4:30 the day before. Not a good trend! Just worrying about work primarily. Also just sad for the state of the world and nation.

Okay off to work i go! Hope to get back in more meaningful capacity soon.

Have a great Thursday people!

PalmerSage

Hi guys, I'm so sorry I've been absent from this thread. I haven't been spending as much time on SR lately, not sure exactly why, but I'm realizing that it always benefits me to stay as connected as possible.

NL, I totally relate to the desire to drink to "celebrate," even though that was never how I drank before anyway - it was mostly alone, and when I dig down deep, I can see how easily I would fall back down into that dark hole. I think we're doing the best we can to allow the moment to pass, but think more later about what that means. It sounds like your therapist is giving the very good advice to "build a life you don't need to escape from," but for me, I'm realizing that I can built a life that's pretty amazing overall and it will still have its moments where I just want to pull the escape valve. Life on life's terms, nothing is perfect, and all of that. Your comment about having little moments with your family is such a wonderful, simple idea that I'm going to try to put into practice. Especially lately, I'm finding myself "snowballing" with my kids, in the sense that I want to make sure they (especially the older one) are on track for college admissions, not saying ridiculous things online that will get them into trouble, and putting these crazy times of ours in the right historical context. I watched "Do the Right Thing," which was one of my favorites back in the day, with my son and we talked about how little has changed in the 30 (!!!) years since it was released.

NC, I am SO happy you took action to resolve your work situation, even if there is some guilt in the short term - once you find your new professional niche, you will be supporting your household financially (obviously) but also, diversifying your family income so you will be more stable if one of your jobs takes a hit during these crazy times. I really admire you making the move and (I don't think I mentioned this) I was super impressed by your reaction when you received feedback on your graduate school deliverable. It shows such amazing growth on your part, and I will definitely remember it the next time someone criticizes my work or approach, which will probably happen today, ha!

Dee, I hope you're doing well, thinking of you often!

My new job is going fairly well, although my direct supervisor doesn't really communicate with me (including not responding to my emails, ugh) outside of brief video calls every other week. She has a LOT - and I mean a lot - of responsibility in our organization, so I definitely get it, but since I don't know her that well and we can't connect in person, it's been a bit challenging. Of course, my last boss communicated with me too much (ha) and was extremely demanding and even aggressive, so by comparison this is awesome. I also have a colleague who has been a personal friend of mine for a while, although we had become disconnected in recent years. We've also had some challenges in our communication, because she is the type of person who likes things to be very clearly laid out, proceeding through linear channels, and expressed without ambiguity, while my style is to be much more fluid and informal (sometimes good, sometimes not). She expects me to share everything about what I'm doing and who I'm talking to/meeting with, even things that I don't personally think need to involve her, but I'm not as connected to what she is doing. So in short, I'm having some issues with trusting her and I feel like I have to think very carefully before asking her a question, for example. That is probably completely nonsensical, and maybe she has a point? LOL!

I hope everyone is staying safe out there in this crazy world! Take good care.

Dee74

Busy but good PS

have a good weekend everyone

D

Numblady

PS, ooooh Do the Right Thing. What a great idea! I feel like I did an essay on that movie in college. But in any event LOVE that idea. I guess my son’s new school is assigning summer reading and his class is reading something by Trevor Noah. Anything by him sounds like a win in my book. I don’t watch Daily Show but every once in a while someone will post a clip on FB or whatever. I also read a transcript of his statements on the protests and they were just really good.

As for the new job glad to hear it. I can’t even tell you how much I relate to the caution with people who want things clearly laid out for them. I have been fighting pretty much every day with different divisions as we try to figure out how to carry out this massive project and they keep asking me what they are supposed to do. Like we’re not in it together figuring out a reasonable approach. I’m supposed to outline all the tasks they should do, by when, by whom, etc. Only when I do try to say that they just argue back that they can’t do this or that, or why hasn’t anyone explained some other thing to them. It’s been totally exhausting. I get it because it’s this gigantic thing and we’re court ordered to do it so it’s not like an idea we came up with—but still. Very exhausting.

I also realized in your statements that I have new direct reports and one had to proactively reach out to me to talk and I was so exhausted it was hard to really engage. Did I mention I now have only TWO direct reports? If we can get through this next push I am very hopeful for things going forward.

Dee, can relate to that!

Okay have a good weekend folks!

PalmerSage

Numblady, thank you so much for commisserating with me on the issue of working with those types of people - it's like you have to hold your breath when you send an email for the inevitable multi-paragraph fire-and-brimstone reply - ha! Or am I just projecting onto you? I've been doing a tiny bit better in terms of not reacting immediately with my true thoughts, but that's something I still have to really work on. I do passive-aggresively tell people I'm doing my best to "cultivate a tolerance for ambiguity" in the hopes that they will take the hint, but you know us bureaucrats. Very quick to catastrophize and come up with all the "what if" straw man arguments that can possibly exist. UGH. Still, my brief exposure to the private sector in my last job tells me that's no picnic either...

I'm doing well overall, but still frustrated by my inability to lose weight. I hate feeling deprived and also not succeeding, although if I'm being totally honest with myself there are many things I could/should be doing to be more successful. Similar to how I feel about drinking, I'm seeking that quick fix to a longstanding problem, which never works out. On the plus side, I feel like my overall productivity has increased, so I'm a little bit less likely to ruminate over my failures.

I hope everyone is doing well out there!!!

Numblady

PS—yes! Some could definitely use a tolerance for ambiguity and in my view just being reasonable, instead of acting like it’s impossible to move forward if everything has not been clearly delineated ... like somehow someone has all the answers and just needs to tell them.

I am sorry on the weight loss. Not the result (or lack thereof) but just the frustration of wanting to see some change after feeling deprived for however long. That definitely seems impossible to sustain. Hopefully you can find something that feels like less deprivation but that eventually helps you turn the corner if it’s something you feel strongly about .

No major developments here. But someone in the front office where I work is possibly COVID positive. It’s worrisome because several people in that part of the office have not been good about social distancing (there were even some negative comments made about people wearing masks). I don’t think I’ve had close contact with any of them but I’m trying to wrack my brain to be sure because there were some times I was talking w/o a mask and vice versa. And now I’m really wondering about sending kids to camp even if they are taking extra precautions. But I can’t work for more than 7 minutes at a time when they are here. I really feel for the people with little kids who are still trying to work. I really can’t even imagine. And then what if those parents get sick?? And what if they are super poor and hungry? Ugh. It’s hard not to worry. All. The. Time.

Well, hang in there everyone!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

Sorry I've been MIA for a few days, things have been very up and down here. Hubby flared up a back injury pretty badly and was bed bound for a week, dosed up on some high octane meds which meant that I had to double job on the work front to keep things afloat, as well as keep the house in order (pretty much failing outright on that front, though - there's food in the fridge and laundry is done but that's about all I've managed - the place needs a serious deep clean!). He is improving a little now, though verrry slowly and still can't walk, so he will be having a scan on Tuesday and we'll know more then. What's that saying, 'when it rains, it pours'? In any case, I did get to spend the morning with my sweet horse and now I'm set for a few hours of SPSS to start into the quantitative analysis section of my dissertation.

Palmer: So lovely to read your posts, I've missed you Though I totally understand we all drift in and out from time to time as life takes hold. I'm so happy to hear that your new job continues to go well, though sorry to hear about the frustration in terms of conflicting communication / working styles with some of your colleagues. Once again, I completely empathise on the weight loss struggles. Much like you, I've been doing OK overall, but it's still a battle and I definitely experience the same plateaus as you describe. I guess if we just focus on how much better / healthier we feel to be eating better, the weight loss will eventually follow? I think stress is probably a massive factor right now in hindering most people's weight loss endeavours, so maybe we can take some solace in that?

NL: I'm really sorry to hear about the added stress in work - I hope that your colleague gets well soon. I completely hear you about the worrying all the time stuff - I have been waking in the middle of the night for the past two weeks (something which I never did before), just startling awake. I feel so weary from worrying constantly about finances, the future of our business, my next career move in a world that's falling apart with seemingly zero opportunities, the state of the economy and life / society in general. It feels as though it's really taking a toll on a soul-deep level these days. I've been journalling a bit to try and help and for the most part, it does seem to help to ease the pressure from my brain and heart, though in the long term, I just don't know. Trying to focus on the small every day items I can control and hoping that 'this too shall pass'.

Sending hugs and light to you all in these enduringly challenging times

Numblady

Hi NC! Super glad you got a morning with your horse after what sounds like a very rough week. I’m glad for you that the middle of the night panic is a new thing but still sorry it’s happening for you.

Phew, I am not nearly as awake as I want to be. My brain is not working yet! Woke up at 4 which is good because I have so much to do. But bad in the sense that I’m pretty zombified. Going to go try and post in grats and hope my brain turns on.

Thinking of you all and talk to you soon!

NewChapterJan18

Thanks NL. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - I have NO IDEA how you function at such insanely early hours of the morning, you are a superwoman! I hope you‘ve had / are having a productive and enjoyable Sunday.

Wishing everyone a positive end to the week

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

Checking in after a difficult evening yesterday. We have an ongoing HR / legal battle that is completely overwhelming and the associated drain on time, money and resources is creating massive added stress. This particular employee has a reputation for being difficult and it is his MO in any situation to be antagonistic and to try to drain time and resources by continually requesting more and more detail and documents and clarifications, raising more and more grievances and fabricated issues in an attempt to wear you down with the sheer volume, time and expense of the demands to get his way. It is the absolute last thing we need right now and it's the last thing I deal with at night and the first thing I'm dealing with in the morning between phone calls, emails and letters etc. between employee, HR consultants, independent advisors, lawyers etc. I'm already sick with worry over whether there will even be a company left in the coming months. I then made the mistake of reading the morning newspapers and absorbing the absurdity that is being presented as the 'new normal' and the stark landscape of the economy for years to come. Everything just feels so bleak and my chest and head feel like they are being crushed with anxiety and despair despite my best efforts to find a silver lining.

I am so sorry for the rain cloud of negativity - I went for a long walk last night before bed to try and clear my head and all I could think of was alcohol and substance escapism, so I felt it was important to come on here and just hold myself accountable for those thoughts. I don't feel as though I am going to drink, but the thoughts are definitely stronger than they have been in quite a while, so I need to monitor that.

Wishing everyone a great day and apologies again for the downer post

Numblady

I’m glad you came here NC. The employee situation sounds very draining — and just really hard to see past. Same with the economic outlook Just hard to imagine this will pass. I keep fantasizing about a time in a year or two when we can be around and hug people again (I hope). And just saying,”wow that was weir.d” But I know we have a lot to get through between now and then. I definitely hear you on the escapism feelings and have had some of the same as mentioned below. It will probably make you feel worse, though. And weaken your immune system. But for sure, i hear you Did the walk help at all? When is the next time you will see your horse? I hope you can find a way to sever ties with this employee. He is draining energy from you at a time you definitely need it.You are holding a lot of pieces together right now. I hope you are showing yourself some grace on the expectations you put on yourself. You are working a dissertation, caring for your husband both emotionally as the business he started faces an uncertain future and physically when he hurt his back, still running the company and dealing with someone whose goal is self-protection not the good of the whole company, and facing an uncertain future (though with new opportunities if you leave the company perhaps) yourself. It is...a lot. And you are human. Wonder if you can do something for yourself like in early sober days.. Something that made you happy like bath or movie or book. Can’t totally think that far back.

As for me it has also been a rough week.We worked all weekend to get a deliverable turned in in our court case. Only to have no piece of considered and worse, to have the other side make a very dirty move. They sent us one thing to review but the finished product had a lot of content we didn’t see that basically said we don’t care about kids and are failing in every way. It just gets hard to hear over and over, especially when you work so hard and see your colleagues work so hard. Everyone sacrificing their own mental health and families. Only to be told by people who have never actually done what we do that we are doing a terrible job. At least one core person has had enough, and it’s only a matter of time before others who know and care so much leave because it’s just too hard. I broke down sobbing yesterday and actually felt somewhat better after so that was good. Kind of. Anyhow NC hear ya on the wanting to escape through booze. But I know it won’t actually help my problems..

Hang in there everybody. NC, let us know how you’re doing today if you can. Virtual hugs.

PalmerSage

NC, please don't ever apologize for coming here to vent - we care so much about you, and we've all had our turns at feeling like there is no positive end in sight!!! In particular, your HR situation sounds completely draining and frustrating. This person must be pretty miserable to put so much energy into all of this negativity, but from what you've said in the past it sounds like he doesn't have a leg to stand on, so hopefully justice will prevail. And I can see how all of the bleak economic forecasts and the pandemic are just compounding your existing stress and workload, because it's one thing to have to power through a rough patch when you know there's an end in sight, but feeling like the end is delayed indefinitely is extra worrisome. I love NL's idea to go back to the early days of sobriety and think about all the ways we had to figure out how to cope without alcohol. I'm going to try to do that too, because being isolated and absorbing the world's problems has definitely increased my AV's chatter to unprecedented levels. We're all in this together.

NL, ugh! The idea of having people unfairly attack the work of your team - without acknowledging that it's arguably the most challenging work in all of government - is so frustrating and unfair. Especially now, the blow to (already shaky) morale just seems to be adding insult to injury. As far as your job, are you still on track to transition into your new role?

I guess I'm doing OK, definitely more thoughts about drinking than ever before, but I'm doing my best to stay on top of them and think about the fact that I'm hitting the 2.5 year milestone tomorrow, and my life is so much easier without constantly obsessing about alcohol. It's always risky when I start to romanticize drinking, or forget how low it actually brought me, so I'm doing my best to keep those things top of mind. It helps to know that others are feeling the same way, though.

Hang in there, everyone! We can get through this!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Guys,

I just want to send the biggest hugs through my keyboard right now because reading your messages has lifted my spirits so much, thank you for being here and showing such compassion, allowing me to vent without judgment. Just letting it all out and admitting to the drinking thoughts here almost served as a pressure valve, releasing some of the stress and allowing me to regain some control over my spiralling thoughts. Though I am sorry to hear it, knowing that you guys have experienced some increased drinking thoughts also makes me feel as though I'm not alone or a complete failure. We will weather this, but I sure am glad to have you guys here right alongside me

NL: Thank you for your reminder about little self care initiatives. I have booked some time off work tomorrow so that I can work on my Dissertation distraction free and I'm hoping that will allow me to get ahead enough so that I may be able to take the weekend off work and study entirely. I am sorry that things have driven you to tears, though I understand that a good cry can also be cathartic. I feel so frustrated for you that the world in which we live is full of people and boards that are only too forthcoming with blind criticism and scathing diatribes about inefficiency and underperformance, yet fail to offer any assistance, solutions or viable recommendations or make any attempt to appreciate the volume of blood, sweat and tears that goes on day in, day out behind the scenes and the sacrifices that good people are making to do their best in a system that undervalues their efforts and their cause and continually under-resources the teams they are only too happy to crucify.

PS: Early congrats on 2.5 years! Wow, who would have thought all the way back then we would be here some day? Is there something you can do to treat yourself and mark the occasion?

NewChapterJan18

Just popping in to wish you a big congratulations on 2.5 years, PS - I hope you get to do something special today to mark the occasion and reward yourself 💜💜💜

Numblady

NC, glad to hear a little of the darkness may have lifted. And I do hope you can take a break from the work-work part of your life.

Thank you for what both of you said in support of me and the people I work with. I just want to say to most of the world: do you know what is hard? Actually doing stuff. Do you know what is easy? Sitting around and critiquing other people doing stuff. I see it a lot where the media does a negative story, or people just hear a negative story—about lots of things, not just child protection—and it’s this immediate pile-on. And I’m like: well do you know really anything at all about the situation? About whether there are reasons you may not know the full story? Or what competing interested were weighted? Or what barriers there were? of course they don’t. I try to sometimes just keep it in mind for myself as I read and learn about other events. Never, not once has a full or accurate story been portrayed about anything controversial involving my agency. And not, like, oh they just were sort of critical and that’s not fair. More like, using flawed statistics, not asking us for input period, and of course never acknowledging that most of the time legally we can’t actually go into a lot of details. They just fill in the gaps with speculation from advocates and politicians who regularly have absolutely zero clue about the details. It is super frustrating. We just have to stay on the highest of high roads and kind of take our licks. But it sure does get old.

Oh and I’m in the new role. Like some kind of masochist. But also I didn’t really know how crazy the case would be going this summer. It would have impacted me no matter which role I was in. Just hoping that once the judge screams at us for a while we can go back to our regularly scheduled activities and I can be slightly human again.

Glad we are still here. Congrats PS!!

PalmerSage

Hi guys, and thanks so much for the congrats - it's crazy to think we've been at this 2.5 years, isn't it? I "celebrated" by really trying to push myself to exercise, and I felt so much more productive and accomplished at the end of the day. I really wish motivation could be manufactured, but unfortunately I need to just ride the wave when it happens and be thankful.

NL - YES!!! It is incredibly difficult to do work that actually results in positive change, especially when it is often an uphill battle (both on the legislative/policy side and on the "people will be people" side). There are always so many constraining and mitigating factors that people seem to be completely unaware of, or sometimes, are willfully ignorant about! Not to say that we can't pivot/improve, of course we can, but there is something to be said for getting your facts straight and attempting to understand the nuances of the work before criticizing it. I find myself especially aware of racial justice issues these days, but then the government person in me is wary of jumping to conclusions for exactly the reasons you mentioned. It is just so easy to oversimplify issues and throw rocks at people who are often doing their very best with the hand they've been dealt. NOT to excuse clearly egregious behavior, of course!!!

Off to get these kids up and running for their computer "camp," more screen time, ugh...catch you later!

Numblady

PS, yes, I definitely try to keep in mind that while there is so much to be done, for some of the media coverage at least, there is likely some more to the story. Plus for me so much of this is not just about large governmental institutions (or even small ones) but what we as individuals do in our treatment of one another, or working toward the betterment of treatment of others. It is helpful in my mind that the Internet also provides us access to individual peoples’ accounts and thoughts that we might not otherwise have access to. Some of the pain in people’s stories is just so real and palpable. It helps me start to confront some of what I’ve done or not done to help people along the way.

But to your basic point, I do try to keep all the complexity in mind even when I read about stuff or people I’m opposed to politically because there’s a decent chance that if I had a better understanding of the facts it probably is not as simple as it is in a sensationalized headline. I feel like I sound anti-journalism, which I am not. A free press is a necessary ingredient to any democracy in my view. I just. sometimes. Hate that they have to “sell papers”. No one wants to hear methodically presented factual recitations. They want to hear that the government is bad and failing, or that people are unsafe, etc. They also want to hear stories of redemption and success don’t get me wrong. But you can’t generate a lot of buzz if you just write about how institutions are doing a decent job of balancing competing interests. Boring!

Well. This kind of took a weird tangent.

Hope y’all are doing well out there. Hugs and support for all!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

Sorry I've been away for a few days, as lockdown restrictions have eased a little here, I got to go visit my parents and stay with them for a couple nights. It was just so wonderful to go home for a few days and see family. I also got to call into my grandparents which was lovely as I haven't seen them in months due to all of this craziness. My grandad has dementia and is declining - they have to move house and the doctors have advised that once they move, his condition will deteriorate rapidly because of the unfamiliar surroundings etc. so I was so grateful to get to visit with him before they move. When I arrived, he had pruned some beautiful pink peony roses from the garden and my Nana had wrapped them for me with decorative paper to make me a bouquet. They are just the sweetest in the world. My mom was young when she had me, so I was very close with my grandparents growing up. Being home and with family really helped to put things into perspective for me and to lift the darkness of the past few months - it has certainly attuned my mind to what really matters in life. In other news, my results were released yesterday for my coursework and exams and I am currently on track with a First Class Honours. Now the pressure is really on to deliver in my final dissertation submission so that I can maintain that average and earn a First Class Honours for my overall degree. Hard to believe that the final submission will be 7 weeks from Friday.

Palmer: So happy to hear you are reaping the benefits of exercise, no matter how the motivation is summonsed! You're still 20 steps ahead of me

NL: I couldn't agree more. With everything in life these days, unfortunately, sensationalism appears to take precedence over the truth, or at least a balanced presentation of facts. Sigh.

I hope everyone is doing well out there, in times where it seems people are turning on one another more than ever, I just want you all to know that I appreciate you.