Class of January Support Thread 2018 Part 10
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Oh NL, you will always be a member of this group. It has nothing to do with the number of days sober, we all started a journey together and remain on it. You are under siege at the moment on all fronts, it must be terribly hard. What I didn’t share in my post above has been the violence I have lived with throughout 2020 when my son melts down. During lockdown it could be more than once a day. The reason I got the weighted blanket was because he was gripping me in dangerously tight hugs, he was trying to get deep pressure, but also knowing he was hurting me just made him angrier. He’s 19 years old, 6ft 1 and very very strong when escalated. Living in lockdown conditions with that level of anger and aggression has been very hard and we have needed emergency psychiatric and counselling support, so I apologise if my ‘try watching a movie’ suggestions comes across a simplistic - they have to be calm to be able to engage their pre frontal cortex and that is hard.
We are doing lots of work with my son around trying to get him to recognise his body cues, he goes from 0-100 in seconds and recently he has been ripping the t-shirt he wears in two like the incredbile hulk (not inspired by the movies, he’s always pulled his shirts when upset, but now is strong enough to tear them). He is filled with remorse and self loathing when he calms down and has been willing to ‘use the blanket’ when I notice any early signs of distress. If he escalates fully I leave the room and ask him to go under the blanket which sits at the end of our sofa, I also have one upstairs in case he is upset there. So far he has been willing to comply and the advantage of it is, it is too heavy to throw at me. For him as soon as he is under it, he starts to calm, it is not instant, but it stops escalation in its tracks. It provides the deep pressure he needs and then I can come closer. We also use the blanket to snuggle under together when watching TV etc so it is not just associated with meltdowns.
My son has been in therapy for 4 years, very few of the strategies suggested have worked, but him having an outlet to talk to someone, especially about me has been SO important. Several years ago we did some work with another therapist as he became obsessed with the fact his Dad had died before he knew him and that worked brilliantly. In both cases it was a long haul and for months I could not see positive results.
I understand about wanting to give up and the siren call of alcohol, especially when things are so difficult and feeling out of your control. Are you in a headspace where you can restart your sober journey and how can we help? You have already gained almost 3 years of sobriety through tremendous pressure, loss and then a pandemic with all the mental health pressures it has brought to your family and here you are still cheering us on. Let us do the same for you - we are walking right beside you.
We are doing lots of work with my son around trying to get him to recognise his body cues, he goes from 0-100 in seconds and recently he has been ripping the t-shirt he wears in two like the incredbile hulk (not inspired by the movies, he’s always pulled his shirts when upset, but now is strong enough to tear them). He is filled with remorse and self loathing when he calms down and has been willing to ‘use the blanket’ when I notice any early signs of distress. If he escalates fully I leave the room and ask him to go under the blanket which sits at the end of our sofa, I also have one upstairs in case he is upset there. So far he has been willing to comply and the advantage of it is, it is too heavy to throw at me. For him as soon as he is under it, he starts to calm, it is not instant, but it stops escalation in its tracks. It provides the deep pressure he needs and then I can come closer. We also use the blanket to snuggle under together when watching TV etc so it is not just associated with meltdowns.
My son has been in therapy for 4 years, very few of the strategies suggested have worked, but him having an outlet to talk to someone, especially about me has been SO important. Several years ago we did some work with another therapist as he became obsessed with the fact his Dad had died before he knew him and that worked brilliantly. In both cases it was a long haul and for months I could not see positive results.
I understand about wanting to give up and the siren call of alcohol, especially when things are so difficult and feeling out of your control. Are you in a headspace where you can restart your sober journey and how can we help? You have already gained almost 3 years of sobriety through tremendous pressure, loss and then a pandemic with all the mental health pressures it has brought to your family and here you are still cheering us on. Let us do the same for you - we are walking right beside you.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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PS I cannot remember your son’s age I am sorry, but there is a great book called ‘hey warrior’ which helps explain the amygdala in the brain and the neuroscience behind an amygdala attack and how to calm it. It explains it in a simple way and I have used it a lot with primary aged children. It is about anxiety and I find a lot of kids respond to learning about why they behave the way they do. Even my 19 year old was willing to read it, I had to get him to do it by asking him to review it for younger kids, but it helped open up a conversation and he has become more curious about the neuroscience behind autism and melt downs as a result. I’d love to say it means they are less frequent or intense, that is still a work in progress, but it has made him more willing to engage in strategies when escalated and their duration is getting shorter. Here is a link to a short clip about the book https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzhka72RV30
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I'm sorry you're under so much pressure NL - but honestly doesn't drinking just add to that?
I remember I'd end up with the same pressures I drank over still there and then new pressure because I felt guilty and ashamed for drinking and neglecting my responsibilities...
I just felt even further behind the 8 ball.
I'm sure you are not 'failing' like you think you are - every parent must be struggling in some way right now - especially those with kids with special needs.
How can you dance gaily through something like a pandemic? You can't.
I feel you're being way too hard on yourself.
.
I think the solution to all that is not giving up and drinking - its to call in help - real life help would be nice but if nothing else you'll find that here at SR
Like others have said you'll always be a member of this thread but the January 21 thread is pretty good too...
D
I remember I'd end up with the same pressures I drank over still there and then new pressure because I felt guilty and ashamed for drinking and neglecting my responsibilities...
I just felt even further behind the 8 ball.
I'm sure you are not 'failing' like you think you are - every parent must be struggling in some way right now - especially those with kids with special needs.
How can you dance gaily through something like a pandemic? You can't.
I feel you're being way too hard on yourself.
.
I think the solution to all that is not giving up and drinking - its to call in help - real life help would be nice but if nothing else you'll find that here at SR
Like others have said you'll always be a member of this thread but the January 21 thread is pretty good too...
D
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Thanks everyone. Scotty, it is so incredible what you have been navigating. Wish I had succeeded in handling it better like you have. That is just so intense.
I’m not sure where I am on my journey. I wish I was stronger but living with someone who drinks and celebrates drinking every day has gotten to me. I know it’s possible to reset but I’m not there yet.
I’ll try to keep coming here instead of just disappearing into oblivion. You are all so kind.
I’m not sure where I am on my journey. I wish I was stronger but living with someone who drinks and celebrates drinking every day has gotten to me. I know it’s possible to reset but I’m not there yet.
I’ll try to keep coming here instead of just disappearing into oblivion. You are all so kind.
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NL, I see the words ‘failed and failure’ all over these boards and while I know counting days and years is motivational and an important part of early recovery, I think sometimes it can also work against those who a few years into recovery where a lapse is seen as a back to square one rather than a bump in the long road that is sober living. It happens, 2020 saw my AV voice start up again and I don’t face a fraction of what you do on a daily basis. The key is what happens next? I love your honesty about not being ready to quit yet and the fact you are still posting here. It sounds as if you feel the fight has gone out of you at the moment and it feels easier to give in amid all that is going on. You’ve got this though, even if right now you feel you haven’t. You are one of the strongest people I know and you are always fighting for others, I think it is time to put this part of yourself first even if it is incredibly hard to do and maybe go back to those basics of deciding not to drink today and take it one day at a time as the mantra goes.
I think you are quite hard on yourself, you make comments like you wish you’d handled it better like me, but you just see the version of myself I show on these boards. Trust me, I’m nobody’s poster child for handling anything, but I am pretty good at projecting a togetherness I rarely feel. I’m not drinking, but last night I ate almost a whole cheesecake (while supposedly doing a sugar detox), my weight has ballooned and I just cannot find my mojo for work either. I faced a potentially serious health problem a couple of months back (it turned out not to be what they thought) and although terrified at the prospect there was a part of me thinking ‘at least all this would be over’.
It was a dark time and while my son is making some progress it is incremental and I am scared for him and his future and I 100% get just ‘giving in’. I do find it helpful in those moments to revisit my first posts here, because that does play the tape forward for me to show me where having a drink would end. I admire you SO much, please be kind to yourself and know we are here for you - no judgement just support.
I think you are quite hard on yourself, you make comments like you wish you’d handled it better like me, but you just see the version of myself I show on these boards. Trust me, I’m nobody’s poster child for handling anything, but I am pretty good at projecting a togetherness I rarely feel. I’m not drinking, but last night I ate almost a whole cheesecake (while supposedly doing a sugar detox), my weight has ballooned and I just cannot find my mojo for work either. I faced a potentially serious health problem a couple of months back (it turned out not to be what they thought) and although terrified at the prospect there was a part of me thinking ‘at least all this would be over’.
It was a dark time and while my son is making some progress it is incremental and I am scared for him and his future and I 100% get just ‘giving in’. I do find it helpful in those moments to revisit my first posts here, because that does play the tape forward for me to show me where having a drink would end. I admire you SO much, please be kind to yourself and know we are here for you - no judgement just support.
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Numblady - 
times a billion.
Dee and Scotty have put it much better than I could have, but the bottom line is that you are amazing and we are here for you. I think Scotty nailed it when she said we sometimes project a "together-ness" here that we may not feel, which may lead others to believe that they are alone in a difficult and constant struggle. Although I normally feel like I'm really done with alcohol, I definitely have my moments where I engage in some risky thinking, and food is an entirely different story. You spent almost three years as a sober parent in your household, which (as someone who grew up with alcoholic parents) cannot possibly be underestimated. I think the fact that you are still posting here is incredibly important - please keep doing it. Love you, friend.
times a billion. Dee and Scotty have put it much better than I could have, but the bottom line is that you are amazing and we are here for you. I think Scotty nailed it when she said we sometimes project a "together-ness" here that we may not feel, which may lead others to believe that they are alone in a difficult and constant struggle. Although I normally feel like I'm really done with alcohol, I definitely have my moments where I engage in some risky thinking, and food is an entirely different story. You spent almost three years as a sober parent in your household, which (as someone who grew up with alcoholic parents) cannot possibly be underestimated. I think the fact that you are still posting here is incredibly important - please keep doing it. Love you, friend.
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Aww you guys. You bring a little tear to my eye with how supportive you are. While i do kind of like the idea of letting shame and guilt drive me off the boards, that’s what got me sober in the first place when it comes down to it. So I’ll try to keep coming back. It does all feel so isolating but each of you has made me feel less alone in different ways. So just. Thank you and love, NL.
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Hey NL,
I’m so pleased you are staying here and really proud that you are too. I think Dee said it so well about drinking not being a solution to stress, but boy does the AV spin that lie so successfully.
My son just had a screaming fit at me and tried to get me in the ‘death grip’ as I call it. What was my crime? I asked him to pack his suitcase because we are going on holiday for a pretty special trip. It is just so exhausting living with his hair trigger emotions and it would be so easy to just do it for him. Right now I can hear him slamming clothes into it and I know fine well he won’t pack the right stuff, but how is he ever going to learn if I continue the Mum maid service? So the hope is maybe 5 trips in the future he may do it willingly and without anger, but I know it’s likely the next few ones will be met with fury and that is exhausting. I can feel my own anger rising that I have to bite down and that is a challenge - I know this would be harder if I drank, while I was a fairly amiable drunk, my filters and emotional regulation was not always the best and I know I need to be sober to weather his storms.
I just read a good meme “I’d like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I’ve experienced the free 7 day trial and I am not interested”
I’m so pleased you are staying here and really proud that you are too. I think Dee said it so well about drinking not being a solution to stress, but boy does the AV spin that lie so successfully.
My son just had a screaming fit at me and tried to get me in the ‘death grip’ as I call it. What was my crime? I asked him to pack his suitcase because we are going on holiday for a pretty special trip. It is just so exhausting living with his hair trigger emotions and it would be so easy to just do it for him. Right now I can hear him slamming clothes into it and I know fine well he won’t pack the right stuff, but how is he ever going to learn if I continue the Mum maid service? So the hope is maybe 5 trips in the future he may do it willingly and without anger, but I know it’s likely the next few ones will be met with fury and that is exhausting. I can feel my own anger rising that I have to bite down and that is a challenge - I know this would be harder if I drank, while I was a fairly amiable drunk, my filters and emotional regulation was not always the best and I know I need to be sober to weather his storms.
I just read a good meme “I’d like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I’ve experienced the free 7 day trial and I am not interested”
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Scotty, that sounds absolutely soul-crushing. I am so sorry for both you and your son that he is reacting that way, and I know what you mean about doing things for them because it's easier. My older son is very quick to throw up his hands and dig in his heels at the slightest obstacle, which makes me worry for his future without his enablers (us). I saw a little plaque that said, "I want to be independent, but no one is helping me!" and we joked about it. But clearly violent outbursts are no joke, and I really feel for you as you have to contend with this all alone. Hoping and praying for a good trip.
Hoping and praying for a good trip.
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Thanks PS, because a lot of my work involves understanding developmental neuroscience in children and adolescents it helps give me an understanding about my son’s behaviour, but that does not make it any less challenging. The male brain typically is still developing until around the age of 25, for people like my son it can be later. He has an adult body with all its hormones, but an early adolescent’s neuro development - it’s an explosive combination and there are physical risks.
I am contemplating doing a doctorate looking at police training around handling autism and adhd. There have been some great initiatives in the UK, and some parts of the USA, but here in NZ and around the world, adults with autism in a meltdown are often mistaken for being on drugs, drunk or having a psychotic episode and can be handled in ways that escalate them instead of learning strategies to assist.
It could be an important piece of work, but at the moment the last thing my son needs is me going back into study mode and I would need to keep working full time as well.
I’m looking forward to our week away and giving him a screen time break, though of course some screens come with us!
I am contemplating doing a doctorate looking at police training around handling autism and adhd. There have been some great initiatives in the UK, and some parts of the USA, but here in NZ and around the world, adults with autism in a meltdown are often mistaken for being on drugs, drunk or having a psychotic episode and can be handled in ways that escalate them instead of learning strategies to assist.
It could be an important piece of work, but at the moment the last thing my son needs is me going back into study mode and I would need to keep working full time as well.
I’m looking forward to our week away and giving him a screen time break, though of course some screens come with us!
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Scotty, I am not sure when you are leaving but if you have already made it out the door, have fun! I can really relate to what you said about understanding the science (I don’t understand the science but I’ll have some rational information I’m supposed to be able to apply to a situation with my kids) but it not making the actual moments easier. I am going to parenting coaching with my daughter’s therapist, and she gave me really good advice about thinking of some of the words (I hate you; you’re the worst; I wish I had a mom who cared about me—these are things I hear on a pretty near daily basis if not multiple times a day) as background noise around the real feeling, around her real heart. And yet. In the moment, it is so hard to do.
Thanks again for everyone’s encouragement. It is hard to come here now in some ways, but I’m glad when I do.
Thanks again for everyone’s encouragement. It is hard to come here now in some ways, but I’m glad when I do.
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@ NL I love that you are still coming here and I totally get why it is hard, I’m so pleased you are.
I remember reading a book about raising boys that said something along the lines of if you hear ‘I hate you, you are a terrible mother, nobody else’s mother does this’ congratulations you are doing everything right.
Later in the same book the author talked about kids that do not feel safe and secure tend not to say those things because they are so fearful of not being loved, so the child that does is confident in your love for them.
Having said all of that, I also totally get why some animals eat their young!
I remember reading a book about raising boys that said something along the lines of if you hear ‘I hate you, you are a terrible mother, nobody else’s mother does this’ congratulations you are doing everything right.
Later in the same book the author talked about kids that do not feel safe and secure tend not to say those things because they are so fearful of not being loved, so the child that does is confident in your love for them.
Having said all of that, I also totally get why some animals eat their young!
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Scotty, thanks that was just perfect! It’s my daughter who tells me she hates me all the time — but I’m still choosing to believe it’s because she feels safe enough to .. I don’t know ... say mean things? Anyhow, will keep working on it.
Hope the trip is going well. And that your son packed at least some of the right stuff!
Hope the trip is going well. And that your son packed at least some of the right stuff!
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Can I say how excited I am to have a reason to post here again? I've missed our class a lot.
Scotty, I hope you're having a good trip with your son. Teenage boys can be super challenging under the best of circumstances, so if we add on things like disabilities and COVID stress, it's understandable that things can get pretty crazy. My older son has some challenges, originally they thought he had Aspergers but ultimately we received a diagnosis of ADHD (not very helpful in terms of helping him, unfortunately). He has a lot of great qualities, and he does fairly well academically, but he spends way too much time in his room, on his computer, talking to God knows who about God knows what. I will say that medication has been somewhat helpful in terms of regulating his moods without changing his personality, and sometimes it seems like we're nagging him constantly, but I guess it's good that we're engaging at least? My younger son is more typical, but he's an earlier bloomer in terms of hitting puberty and wanting his independence, so that can sometimes bring drama too.
Scotty, I hope you're having a good trip with your son. Teenage boys can be super challenging under the best of circumstances, so if we add on things like disabilities and COVID stress, it's understandable that things can get pretty crazy. My older son has some challenges, originally they thought he had Aspergers but ultimately we received a diagnosis of ADHD (not very helpful in terms of helping him, unfortunately). He has a lot of great qualities, and he does fairly well academically, but he spends way too much time in his room, on his computer, talking to God knows who about God knows what. I will say that medication has been somewhat helpful in terms of regulating his moods without changing his personality, and sometimes it seems like we're nagging him constantly, but I guess it's good that we're engaging at least? My younger son is more typical, but he's an earlier bloomer in terms of hitting puberty and wanting his independence, so that can sometimes bring drama too.
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Hi,
We are back from a fantastic time away. I am VERY conscious that at the moment being able to do this is a luxury that most don’t have so I won’t go on too much about it.
The one thing I will share is our capital city has a lot of museums and galleries which I love, my son agreed to come with me every morning to visit one and then asked if he could go off by himself. Yes, by himself in a completely strange city he doesn’t know his way around with just a phone for directions. I had my concerns, when things go wrong (even minor things) he screams and tears his shirts, he is 6ft 1 and I always worry people will call the police. I didn’t say this to him of course, but suggested we stuck together. I got told ‘Mom you have to let me be independent some time’ - so I let him go. I will confess I tracked him on his phone to see how far he went and he went all over the city, but found his way back each time. The city is built around a bay so if you can find the water it is easy to navigate around. I was SO proud of him.
Of course nothing went wrong, had that happened it might have been a different story, but he was walking ten feet tall to have the trust placed in him. Of course this morning he flipped out at home because I asked him not to leave dirty clothes in the middle of the living room, but that is another story.
I did feel my AV stir while away, it was the room service menu with all the alcohol listed that caught my eye - that hasn’t happened in a while. It wasn’t full on temptation, but AV was definitely flirting with me with its old lie of ‘would it really hurt?’
Tomorrow is my 3 year anniversary and I have decided that this year Jan 16th is going to mark the start of a serious weight loss plan. I have joined weight watchers and am a bit fed up that I have been following the plan for an entire morning and am not yet thin! I’m hoping some of the SR techniques will help me stick to my goals around health.
@PS I work with a lot of young men with ADHD and their racing car brains, I am glad the medication is making a difference, it can be a real game changer for some. Having that engagement is so important, but boy is it hard sometimes to be the adult!
We are back from a fantastic time away. I am VERY conscious that at the moment being able to do this is a luxury that most don’t have so I won’t go on too much about it.
The one thing I will share is our capital city has a lot of museums and galleries which I love, my son agreed to come with me every morning to visit one and then asked if he could go off by himself. Yes, by himself in a completely strange city he doesn’t know his way around with just a phone for directions. I had my concerns, when things go wrong (even minor things) he screams and tears his shirts, he is 6ft 1 and I always worry people will call the police. I didn’t say this to him of course, but suggested we stuck together. I got told ‘Mom you have to let me be independent some time’ - so I let him go. I will confess I tracked him on his phone to see how far he went and he went all over the city, but found his way back each time. The city is built around a bay so if you can find the water it is easy to navigate around. I was SO proud of him.
Of course nothing went wrong, had that happened it might have been a different story, but he was walking ten feet tall to have the trust placed in him. Of course this morning he flipped out at home because I asked him not to leave dirty clothes in the middle of the living room, but that is another story.
I did feel my AV stir while away, it was the room service menu with all the alcohol listed that caught my eye - that hasn’t happened in a while. It wasn’t full on temptation, but AV was definitely flirting with me with its old lie of ‘would it really hurt?’
Tomorrow is my 3 year anniversary and I have decided that this year Jan 16th is going to mark the start of a serious weight loss plan. I have joined weight watchers and am a bit fed up that I have been following the plan for an entire morning and am not yet thin! I’m hoping some of the SR techniques will help me stick to my goals around health.
@PS I work with a lot of young men with ADHD and their racing car brains, I am glad the medication is making a difference, it can be a real game changer for some. Having that engagement is so important, but boy is it hard sometimes to be the adult!
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Oh wow! Scotty, I am so bad at math and time zones but for us it is 1/16 in the morning which means three year anniversary. Which means HUGE CONGRATS! And I love how you are pairing it with a health/self-improvement focused effort. I hope it gets you to the next level of what you are looking to work on for your health.
And as far as I am concerned you can go on and on about your trip. It’s wonderful you were able to get out, and the image of your son having the confidence just kind of fill him up in body and mind, it’s just very touching.
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!
And as far as I am concerned you can go on and on about your trip. It’s wonderful you were able to get out, and the image of your son having the confidence just kind of fill him up in body and mind, it’s just very touching.
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!
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Scotty!!! CONGRATULATIONS on 3 years!!! 
(these old-school emojis are hilarious)
I agree with NL - would love to hear about your trip, even if it's to live vicariously through you. That's so awesome about your son and his independence, I was smiling as I read your description. And I love your comment about dieting all morning and not being thin yet - what the hell? Ha!
(these old-school emojis are hilarious)I agree with NL - would love to hear about your trip, even if it's to live vicariously through you. That's so awesome about your son and his independence, I was smiling as I read your description. And I love your comment about dieting all morning and not being thin yet - what the hell? Ha!
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