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Class of January Support Thread 2018 Part 10

Old 05-13-2020, 05:00 AM
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NC I too am glad you had that conversation! I was wondering if that might be one thing to rise from the ashes of this whole thing. And I am definitely on that roller coaster of malaise with you, though I guess a roller coaster is a little too fun when it comes to malaise. Maybe more like a long car ride when youíre in the back seat of malaise.¬
PS yes that feels like what is happening. The slow slip back into what was. Or more like the erasing of the temporary blip of living a kind of different way. One of the things the therapist talked about last time that really resonated with me was wanting to take me out of being so reactive and really victimized by my situation, including work. These things donít exactly just happen to me. I have a role. Which is something i thought already but hearing it from her was affirming and made sense. As for the job I technically switch over 6/1. It is likely that I like NC will have a probably month or two where itís kind of like double duty, which is going to be difficult with kids needing activities. But having some improvement on the horizon at least, and being in control of some of the things I have found most frustrating in terms of workflow management, will hopefully help. Anyhow all by way of saying more to come!
Happy Hump Day!¬
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Old 05-14-2020, 04:10 AM
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Hi Class,

PS: Yeah, it's like I've been so focused on work and dissertation stuff that when I come up for air and try to comprehend the realities of things right now and for the foreseeable future, it just blows my mind. I've been trying to stay away from news and media stories at the moment as they're just compounding my panic / anger / anxiety with the whole situation. I honestly don't know how you guys are coping with kids, homeschooling, distractions and activities etc. You're incredible for keeping it all together. How is the new role progressing, are you feeling more settled?

NL: LOL, the long car ride metaphor made me laugh and it is spot on accuracy wise. It sounds like you're doing such amazing self development work with your therapist, I'm really impressed. You've definitely inspired me to try to channel the current malaise into more productive things outside of just work / college stuff. I really notice how much I've just let life take me on the current without making real tangible decisions and efforts to forge a direction or path of my own. It's so strange because I have worked really hard academically and professionally, but it's like I've missed the point and been working really hard on all the wrong things, or at least without a rudder to steer the outcomes, if that makes sense? The point you make about playing a role in these things really resonated, thank you for that. i hope the next couple months pass as swiftly and smoothly as possible as you juggle the old and the new work-wise, with the kids and family stuff thrown into the mix also. As I said above to PS, you guys are incredible how you manage everything you;ve got going on with kids as well. I honestly don't know how you do it.

Hoping everyone is keeping well, sending hugs
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Old 05-15-2020, 05:08 AM
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Thanks NC! Glad to hear you grabbing the rudder! Funny word, that. Want to say more but getting a late start and my keyboard is messed up. Basically it flops open instead of staying proposed open so I can’t really see the screen. At least, not very well. Hopefully I’ll have a new one soon. Agree with you btw on avoiding news right now. I was reading news page every morning as a new aspect of my routine. Don’t think it’s the best way to start a day, I ‘ll say that for sure.

HOpe it’s a great one, all.
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Old 05-18-2020, 08:08 AM
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Hi Class,

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I threw my hubby a little 'afternoon tea party' on Saturday for his birthday (just us and his parents) and he seemed to really enjoy the day which was great. Yesterday I called up to my horse in the morning, then hubby and I played hooky from work and just chilled for the day, spent time together and watched some mindless Netflix show. It was so nice to just relax and not think about all the other noise for a while.

NL: I hope you get a new keyboard soon - tech related issues are so annoying!

Take care all, sending hugs
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Old 05-19-2020, 04:39 AM
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Hi Class,

I hope all are well. I've been finding it so tough to get up in the mornings the past week or so. Not for feeling down or anything mood related, just like a feeling of physical tiredness, though I am not doing anything that should warrant such levels of exhaustion! I guess it's just the weirdness of the current situation and lack of regular routine starting to make me feel lazy and lethargic. I have lots of work to be getting on with but find myself procrastinating and 'pencil pushing' rather than being productive and just getting stuck in. Hoping this will pass soon! I know I really need to start running / taking cardio exercise again, I just keep putting it off.

Anyhow, I had better go and try to cover some ground on aforementioned tasks. Take care all

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Old 05-19-2020, 05:08 PM
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hey NC

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Old 05-20-2020, 04:07 AM
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Hi NC. Definitely hear you on the listlessness and fatigue. You’d think I’d be working out more since so much of what I do is home based anyhow. But our schedules are so disrupted and weird. And part of me just feels...tired. The birthday stuff you did for hubby sounds very nice. our 15 year wedding anniversary is in a week and I don’t know if we’ll do anything

Hi to Dee! And everyone else!
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Old 05-20-2020, 06:28 AM
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Hi Class,

NL that's precisely it, listlessness. I'm going to try and devise a plan to intervene and just force myself to get up earlier and out for a run starting tomorrow. No idea how I'm going to make it happen, but we'll see. I think getting the ball rolling is key, so just need to summon the initial motivation to start. 15 years - wow! That really is a milestone. Apparently crystal is the official gift for 15 years - just Googled it there as I had no idea. How are things going on that front? I know you had mentioned a lull on your husband's part insofar as the efforts to work on things, has this improved at all / any of the initial enthusiasm revived? I think things are particularly difficult given current circumstances for anyone to get motivated about personal and relationship changes.

Hi Dee, Palmer, Scotty! I hope all are keeping well
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Old 05-21-2020, 02:17 AM
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Hi Class,

It's a beautiful sunny day here today and it really does wonders for the spirit to look upon clear blue skies and sparkling sunshine. I woke up early this morning and went for a 5km run (read: slow lumbering jog) and I feel SO happy that I finally broke the cycle of lethargy and just did it. I've made a 7 day plan with the aim of setting a new, better routine amidst the oddness right now and I'm feeling optimistic. Work stuff has me a little anxious, so I'm going to sit down and make an organised strategy for managing all my tasks and just plough ahead. Sorry - this post is sounding more like a pep talk to myself trying to convince myself to be calm and productive!

Hope everyone has a great day
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Old 05-22-2020, 07:46 AM
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Hi Class,

I hope everyone has a positive end to the week. I had a call with my dissertation supervisor to discuss the latest body of work I sent across for review, and unfortunately it felt like I was being torn to shreds. My supervisor is actually very helpful and good about how she presents feedback, and all of her suggestions and comments were entirely valid, it just made me feel that familiar sense that no matter how hard I work, I'm never really good enough. This is something I've felt my whole life and a large part of why I used drinking to bolster a confident / IDGAF attitude, when the reality is I just always seem to feel less than in every aspect of my life, as though I always fall just short of what I want to be or achieve. The positive news is that in getting sober, I had to face up to a lot of these issues and try to work to accept myself for who I am and reframe 'failure' as constructive opportunity to improve and develop myself. It was kind of cool that during the call when I started to feel angry, upset and frustrated, rather than go down that rabbit hole I had the awareness to take a breath (internally) and ask myself to reflect on what was going on for me and how I was feeling. I quickly identified that these feelings were not directed at my supervisor, but in fact the constructive feedback was a trigger for my feelings of negative self-worth. Once I had recognised it for what it was, I made the conscious effort to adopt an open mindset to the feedback being shared, rather than a defensive one which would have been the case in the past. I made the decision to gain from my supervisor's vast experience in academic research by using the comments as a learning opportunity. In doing so, I now have a wealth of pointers as to how I can improve my write up and everything that she said made complete sense / I can see how my work needs to be strengthened by amending it to include the information and structure she suggested. Though I've come away from the call feeling bruised and still trying to manage my disappointment and the baggage of my underlying insecurities, I am so happy that sobriety has given me the gift of being able to appraise situations in a beneficial way and to leverage these experiences for the betterment of my person. In the past, I would have withdrawn and discarded the feedback defensively, and lost all motivation to try harder. Instead, I would have gone out and gotten wasted to try and make myself feel better, and in turn I wouldn't have put the extra work in to improve my work. Instead, I'm now planning to use the weekend to review the comments and improve my work. Even if the final product isn't 'good enough', at least I'll know I tried my absolute best and can be proud of my attitude and approach, if not my ultimate grade.

I know this probably sounds like a lot of waffle or a self-indulgent soliloquy, I just kind of wanted to make a note and acknowledge it because I think all of us here have inclinations toward perfectionism and harsh self-criticism, and maybe my little breakthrough might also be relevant to your journeys. In any case, I hope everyone is doing well and thank you for always being here for my silly venting.

Take care all
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Old 05-23-2020, 12:12 PM
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Hi Class,

Just stopping by to wish y’all a happy weekend.

Take care
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Old 05-23-2020, 04:56 PM
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you too NC

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Old 05-25-2020, 01:24 AM
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Hi Class,

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Just checking in to wish everyone a productive and peaceful week ahead!

Take care
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Old 05-25-2020, 05:42 AM
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NC, wow! I think what you posted about the dissertation feedback is so insightful and really a good way to reframe disappointments/perceived slights/etc. in life in general. I too have long struggled with feeling less-than on some bizarre fundamental level that isn’t even my rational mind. My rational mind likes myself and thinks I’m doing a pretty good job at things, but there’s a mean doubting chimera inside me, who comes out less than she used to but is still there. Anyhow, I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for a while but I just wanted to say it’s inspiring how you handled it and are continuing to handle it. Cheers to you!

Hugs and hi to all !
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Old 05-27-2020, 04:51 AM
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Thanks NL. I loved reading all about your camping trip in the grats thread - sounds like you had a wonderful time. I also Googled Pedernales Falls and it looks so cool and really beautiful. Very different to the type of landscape we have here.

Hope everyone is keeping well, thinking of you all
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Old 05-28-2020, 04:20 AM
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Thanks NC! It was pretty cool. The falls themselves are just breathtaking.

How is everyone? I am very tired. It is our 15th anniversary and we are “celebrating” as best we can with nice takeout and getting dressed up. Hubby announced his intention to open the bottle of Dom Perignon he’s been saving. Said he would hold off if it bothered me. Doesn’t exactly bother me. Except there’s a part of me that really wants to share it with him. Stupid, I know. But accurate nonetheless. Have a therapy appointment today. Will bring that up. I’m sure I can get through it. Special occasions aren’t made special by small doses of poison. But just being honest among friends it’s definitely on my mind.

Talk to y’all soon!
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Old 05-28-2020, 04:59 AM
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Hi Class,

NL absolutely, I bet the photos don't even capture the true beauty. Congratulations on your 15th Wedding Anniversary! I hope you guys enjoy quarantine style date night with dress up and takeout. I can relate to those pangs of wanting to 'join in' the celebration where alcohol is involved. From time to time for big occasions when there is champagne and good whisky flowing, I still have to navigate those waters with caution. I think a lot of it is down to the conditioning our brains and bodies have endured for years, conflating celebration with alcohol, not only through our own choices and lifestyles in the past, but also from the media, television, social norms, etc. Hopefully your therapy session will help you to air out those thoughts and any deeper meaning behind the triggers.

My husband and I have kicked off the 'hand-over' process in relation to my role in the company as I prepare to transition out. It's been a little rough at times as I can be a bit of a control freak and kind of impatient when it comes to teaching / training other people, but thankfully we seem to be finding our groove now and learning how to respect each other's different natural approaches to come to a compromise. It's so liberating to think that this is finally happening and that I will be moving on to my next chapter soon, I never thought I would get here. It's also terrifying, though, as the whole COVID situation has thrown everything into such disarray that I don't really know what my future will look like. I also feel immense guilt, as if I'm throwing my husband in the deep end by passing this over now - but I have to remind myself that it's OK to make choices for my happiness and well-being and there'll always be a reason not to move on. I need to feel independent again and have a professional life that is just mine.

I hope everyone is doing OK out there! Hugs
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Old 05-28-2020, 04:20 PM
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Happy Anniversary NL
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Old 05-30-2020, 10:20 AM
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Hi Class,

I hope everyone is keeping safe and well through these tumultuous times. Sending hugs
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Old 05-30-2020, 06:36 PM
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me too NC.

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