Dee74

Hope you have a headache free day tomorrow kk1k

D

biminiblue

Congrats on the big job! That'll keep you busy and out of trouble.

kk1k5x

Today was a little bit better, although I wasn't feeling a 100%. I slept for a very long period of time, it felt like I really needed that (although again, I'm not entirely sure why).

The first part of the work should come in soon (it's 4pm here), apparently there's some confusion as to what has to be translated and what's excluded. Once the work guy figures that out and preps stuff, then I can engage. And then the marathon begins.

For the time being, I'm 'light touch' dealing with the course that I need to appear in on Friday. Reading example coursework posted in previous runs, trying to get a sense of what the heck is expected. With that said, I'm going in with my own material anyways, so I must keep an eye out for relevant methods and examples. It's going to be ...work-heavy, but I think it'll be worth it in the end, so I'm ready to face whatever comes down that pipe.

Thanks Dee and bim Oh, and yes, it'll keep me out of trouble, if by trouble you mean research haha.

kk1k5x

The first of the work is here and I'll get started with it tomorrow. Just needed to close off this day as well.

Tried to mess around with some programming, but it didn't come to anything - asked my friend for help, he hopes to be able to help tomorrow. I guess I'll look into it some more, but highly doubt I'll figure out the subtleties of this particular task. It should be real easy (and I'm actually convinced it is) but just not for me or someone else with a similarly non-existent skill set :P

Hope everyone had a good day. I'm feeling better now but I think I will turn in earlier tonight, given that tomorrow the translation will most likely have an instantly sapping effect.

End of Day 274. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Good luck with the transating kk, I must say 100 pages sounds a lot but I suppose it equates to 7.14 pages per day which is not so bad.

kk1k5x

Yeah, sao, 7 isn't half bad. I did 3 today, because I sort of hit a motivation wall. Something similar to what I feared would happen. I've actually just found it a bit difficult to get back into the swing of things after I deal with research matters. There my mind just goes to flight mode, there are ideas floating around, the willpower appears etc, so it's obviously where my passion is stronger. But translations are necessary and I like working with them (not always, as with anything, including research) but it's not a quick and smooth transition, it seems.

I got the ball rolling at least, going to go to bed earlier tonight and get an early start tomorrow. I'm sure things will even out soon enough. Guess that kind of makes me a bit anxious about the writing camp at the spa next weekend, as that would once again try and draw me into the research portion of things (whereas I'll actually be 'on the clock' when there). But we'll see.

I think a general "cool the jets" is needed, a slower tempo for a while. Should try to catch my mental breath since I don't have any horribly demanding or pressing deadlines atm, so I must make sure I don't go creating any either. Do work, fiddle with writing/course tasks in the required amount and just 'be' without causing myself trouble. This should be my goal for the remainder of Feb - take it easy and let the ghost backlog clear out some before taking on new things.

End of Day 275. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Today was a solid day of work. There were repetitions etc in the translation but I still worked through/translated about 13 or 14 pages. If 10 of those count towards the invoice (there's a system of factors for 1-for-1 similarities and partial fits), I'll be glad. But first and foremost, I hope the quality of the translation was at least okay.

Tomorrow is then the first lecture in a while, luckily it's an afternoon one from 2 to 6 pm. And I finished the currently available portion of work tonight/am on schedule, so I can sleep 'in'. Actually, I even took on some extra work for the weekend. There's the tax payment coming and I could use the extra. I'm not necessarily sure I will manage to complete the first half of the marathon by Thursday next, but according to my plan I ought to (by Wednesday). So it's lecture tomorrow (maybe translation in the morning, if I'm up for it and awake), translate throughout the weekend and into Wednesday (hopefully first half done), start with the second half on Thursday and then break temporarily for the nerd camp at the spa.

That's the plan at least lol.

Also, tomorrow is then my 9 month mark...and Valentine's day :P I'll be spending it with my most honest and trustworthy friend - sobriety.

On some nights in the previous week or two, I've noticed that when I drink coffee in the evening, I won't fall asleep too easily even though I feel like sleeping. I know this is only logical, but I didn't notice it so sharply before - I figure maybe my system has 'cleaned out' some more. Which is why tonight I specifically kept away from coffee, because I don't want to be up until 2 am, fiddling with my phone and looking for the perfect documentary. Curious thing about it was that I had to - twice - actively stop myself from making coffee.

That notion was irritating, because I didn't think I had created that much of a habit out of it, i.e. that I'd feel physically uncomfortable not making myself a coffee. I didn't and I'm glad I didn't, but I guess it shook me a bit. As an addict, any 'I want to but I really shouldn't, but I really want to' situation is cause for concern. Then again, I know I can sleep easily tonight - or that at least coffee won't be bothering me.

I'm starting to get the idea that maybe tomorrow night when I come back from the city, I will go to the gas station and buy myself the big tortilla that I so yearn after often enough.

Admittedly, I am a bit anxious about tomorrow and the day after. I somehow remember (eerily clearly) that the longest period of time I've had sober since picking up my first drink is 9 months to the day. That was 8-9 years ago. So, when I get 9 months and 1 day, then that'll be the longest period of time. Onward from there it doesn't really matter but this specific mark feels like it has some sort of a more ingrained meaning for me personally.

I hope you guys can lend some extra support tomorrow and Saturday I'm also considering posting something in the newcomers section.

End of Day 276. I did not drink today.

Dee74

I have absolute confidence in you being able to continue doing what you've done for last 9 months kk1k

saoutchik

I think you should look forward to beating your record of 9 months. Milestones are rare after the 100 days mark so it's another small victory to you.

biminiblue

I'm not one bit worried about you kk.

I understand the trepidation, but I'm confident you will keep going in the right direction.

Happy Nine.

It keeps getting better after that, too.

kk1k5x

Thanks all

I had to come back home early today. Had an extremely freak 'accident', as in I was bending over at the bus stop (awkwardly I guess), sth got in my throat and I coughed once real heavy-like...and twitched something in my back. Not that I can't believe this happened but it's just such a stupid way to ruin the next 3-4 days and make everything, including working, really uncomfortable.

But guess if I look at it another way - I couldn't 'party' even if I did have an inkling for it.

The lecture was really good, too bad I had to leave early, because 2 hrs seems to have been the max my back could take in those chairs. It was easier in the beginning as I was warmed up from my brisk walk. It's more stiff now unfortunately.

kk1k5x

Have to close off the day. It's 9 months sobriety today. It's somewhat difficult to comprehend - in large part, just how quickly time goes by :O (when you're doing stuff).

Did the tax filing tonight (it's like a national holiday here because everyone wants to get some income tax back), but that doesn't apply to me as I'm self-employed and don't pay monthly income tax.

Food is currently in the oven, because I didn't get to it earlier tbh. The back is sore and stiff, I'll have to see what the situation is tomorrow. Have to be able to work somehow, probably some extra 'lying on the floor' breaks in store for me.

I also dealt with some school paperwork, submitted a bunch of documents to have my previous experience and courses evaluated ...and then hopefully added towards my progress in the current programme.

Watching series on the TV and just trying to find a more or less comfortable position lol.

​​​​​I'm grateful for everyone's support today (and on all other days as well ofc). And I'm grateful for my sobriety - guess I really am spending valentine's with my most trustworthy and motivating companion :p

End of Day 277. I did not drink today

Dee74

welcome to your future kk1k LOL. Thelast time I put my back out I was reaching for my hat...

seriously tho,hope you're ok.

D

Fusion

Oh my, kk, 9 months, you are a sober rock-star!

I'm sorry to hear of you back injury. A month ago I stood on a stool to look out of a high window, thinking the courier had arrived on the lane.......and the stool flipped and I flew through the air and performed an impromptu triple pike and turn, and consequently injured my rotator cuff, bicep and tricep.

I haven't been able to use my arm since, and it's in a sling, conservative treatment pending partial self-healing in anticipation of surgery. I'm hoping to avoid surgery, which apparently doesn't have a high success rate.....

kk1k5x

Damn, Tatsy, I'm so sorry to hear about your injury. Standing on stools (or anything shaky and/or prone to flipping for that matter) has been on my avoid list for a long time. What determines the ultimate necessity for surgery?

I avoid shaky objects partly due to my size, but I've also had a number nasty ankle twists in basketball - two serious ones where I avoided surgery by inches, the doctors said - think ...going up for rebound and landing foot first and full force on the basketball. Still makes me cringe although it was more than a decade ago. Same with my back, it all started when I was a teenager. There was an incident of 'unnecessary acrobatics' in a front-of-the-goal situation in floorball (I love floorball because I love hockey but can't skate to save my life) - brought the stick real close to your body to deflect an incoming shot and someone just smashed into me from behind. It's one of those cartoon clips where the upper part of your body remains in place, while everything else moves forward. Tweaked my back, but it kept hurting and hurting so I went to the doctors, they did x-rays and some other procedures and basically told me I had hurt my back a long time before the incident, by working out too hard at the gym without proper supervision. That was actually the case in our school's gym, looking back. The doc prescribed some massive calcium tablets and prohbited me from any strenuous workouts for 6-8 months, since the x-ray of my lower spine looked like little monsters had bitten off bits of the lumbar vertebrae.

That last accident was pretty much the last time I did any real sports. I followed the doc's guidance on taking a break. But in that time window, my first love broke up with me and my best friend was at the end stages of her cancer. Unable to workout (which was always my frustration release) 'the way I wanted to' - because I could have gone swimming or walking, but chose not to - I partied heavily. In terms of momentous events, you can trace the start of my alcoholic drinking to that back injury, the subsequent personal tragedies (some real, some so only for a teenager) and never going back to what worked before. The rest is history.

Sorry for the rant, but I guess it pushed a button, because today and yesterday I was really frustrated with my lack of fitness. Sometimes the breadth of what I must conquer to right my ship after calling it quits with booze overwhelms me. Many parts of this presumed end-goal haven't even been addressed yet, even in theory, although I am fully aware of them.

You know the ..."stop smoking, lose weight, eat healthy, be more active in general, do A, manage B" and so on and so forth. It weighs on me, because I'd like to do better, but sometimes feel like I lack the energy to keep pushing towards those things.

I don't know. I hope you get well soon, Tatsy. And I hear ya Dee on the back woes. I'm fixing to go to the migration and citizenship office to have them check my damn birth certificate, because the text in my passport and ID is the only source that still suggest I'm just 30, in both body and mind.

End of Day 278. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Sorry about your fall Tatsy, that sounds painful. It might be worth checking to see if you have any insurance policy you could claim on (a long shot I know)

kk, you have quit drinking, that is hard enough for people like us. I would try to quit the cigarettes and leave the exercise until you have 6 weeks tobacco free. As I read somewhere, Rome was not built in a day.

kk1k5x

Can I just whine, sao?

I mean, my rational brain is in total agreement with you. Also with the quit tobacco first, then some regular form of exercise (ah heck, let's call it a weight loss programme - that's the goal of it). Not that I'm doing any favours to my heart at the moment but double pressure would probably be worse, i.e. smoking full-time and picking up strenuous exercise - as the word 'strenuous' applies to me, for others that's walking.

So that's my rational brain. The other, seemingly dominating section as far as addiction-related matters are concerned, doesn't want to hear any of it. Because a) we have a lot of work to do and if we put down the cigarettes now, the world would end and b) "what would I do if I no longer smoke?". I guess this is an oxymoron, but 'I can't even begin to tell you how angry and upset my rational brain is because of a) and b)'. Not sure if the actual writing it down would help but doing a pros and cons list of smoking only ever has one reason in the pros column. That reason is 'I want to', which can be written in 5+ different ways (morning coffee and cigarette, after lunch cigarette etc). Yet, if you trace the roots of the 'I want to', then you obviously only come to the conclusion that it's simply the addiction, and the habit it's fashioned over time.

Ugh. Rome sure wasn't built in a day. The thing that bothers me consistently is the fact of how differently I'm able to view drinking and smoking. Drinking now is 'something I used to do and other people do at times', it's a non-thing in my day-to-day. Smoking I can't get my head around and can't bring myself to just say no. I don't get it at all, to be honest.

Aside from the slight trepidation before the 9 month and 1 day mark, I've felt confident in my choices regarding drinking. Confident, not cocky.

Anyways, end of rant. I finished a small translation today and started part 1 of the behemoth, which I will now continue even though it's night-time. Mainly because I thought I'd take a nap at 5.30pm. Woke up 10.30pm. 'Nap'. Perhaps it was the back, because the past 2 days it seems I want to sleep more and the back feels better after each one. It's still a bit stiff and somewhat sore, but I've gotten back to almost normal faster than I expected. And, at this point, by normal I mean poor but allows me to work.

My goal for Monday to Thursday is to try my best to finish the first part of the behemoth which is 43 pages (of which I've finished 1, currently). Friday morning I'm going to nerd camp for the long weekend.

End of Day 279. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

It was a very rough day. I was super demotivated and couldn't even bring myself to work before noon. Which made it all the more harrowing to think that I have to finish 10 pages to more or less catch up to where I'd need to be with the translation to have it ready by Thursday.

Through whatever miracle, I actually managed to do the 10 pages. Since it's a really long translation, I discovered that the final 2/3 of it is a faster translation whereas the first third is tough. So I did 6.5 pages from the beginning and about 4 from down the line, adding up to about 10 or 10.5 for the day and giving me a total of 13/43. I will most likely go back to this tactic tomorrow if I once again feel overwhelmed by the first portion.

Anyways, the logistics of the nerd camp were discussed today. I don't know, and I guess they 'caught' me at a low point but I just had no energy or willingness to deal with that today. It didn't help that the prof and I discussed topics for the consultation sessions that take place there, and we didn't necessarily see eye to eye on some things. The simple truth of it is, I'm always looking for new opportunities due to my incurable sense of FOMO, and tend to get myself into trouble. I haven't deviated from my set plans, but I guess the threat of it is constantly in the air when I come up with new ideas and avenues to explore.

Perhaps the prof has simply had her fill of this bouncing around stuff. Admittedly, at the lowest of the low today, I actually very seriously considered just taking what I've done so far and putting together the PhD thesis. As in, dropping all other ventures I've come up with. It's not even that bad of an idea to be honest.

The main part of what I still have to do for the thesis ought to happen this summer. It includes collecting data for 2 articles and finishing one that's been in the drawer for a year. If you guys remember, I finished a 'drawer manuscript' in November before going to the UK for my bday. This 'drawer' piece falls under the same category, both are theoretical works for my thesis. Whatever else I'm engaged in, is supposedly the meat that goes on the bones of my thesis.

So today I was thinking, maybe I could go with less meat, y'know.

On days like today, my never-really-resolved inferiority complex acts up bad. I get to thinking things such as "Well, why bother? What's all this rustle and bustle about anyways?". Worst thing is, sometimes I don't know the answer to those questions.

It's been a year now of pushing the translation work and trying to get better at it, and then doing research on my 'time off'. I've managed to complete some manuscripts. More than enough, actually, to satisfy the requirements for obtaining a PhD (they require 3 publications, the last one I submitted was my fifth full-length one and I have submitted/published 6 in total - four of which have come in the past 6 months, i.e. the sober papers). And while I have certain ideas on how I'd want the thesis to look like in the end, I don't always have the belief I can make it look like that and still preserve my sanity, y'know?

In brief - I'm feeling down, tired, and although I should be somewhat happy about still managing 10 pages today, the same struggle awaits me tomorrow (considering how things are from the mental status perspective).

Ugh.

End of Day 280. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Sorry you're feeling frazzled kk but well done on those 10 pages and at least tomorrow you will be starting from 10 pages closer to the finish.

kk1k5x

Thanks Sao.

Today wasn't necessarily much better but fortunately it wasn't worse either. I have my melatonin tablets again, so I slept for longer and it felt like the quality of sleep was a bit better than it has been recently.

I started work at noon and had my mark at 9pm. Although I had a nagging headache (one that only resides in the back of your head) for most of the afternoon. Decided to treat myself to a homemade pizza tonight. Figured that if I'm working like this, and making some money, then the least I can do - if for no other reason, just for the sake of variety - is make a positive use of some of it. And enjoy the process.

Assuming that I finish this first part of the big work by Thursday, I can submit the invoice and get the money well before I need to make the tax payment, so at least that seems to be sorted. From a sheer numbers perspective, I'm going to do alright with this particular translation.

Hope everyone had a productive day (without a headache).

Tatsy how are you going, how's the injury?

End of Day 281. I did not drink today.