Dee74

yeah there's a heck of a lot of smokers sharing advice out there kk1k...just sayin'

D

kk1k5x

I do have the time and I've seen a couple of places recently where I wanted to write something, but just held back.

Everytime I read those stories of struggle, I sort of wish I could just give them a package that includes everything I've learned so far. For example, I currently only have a fairly vague memory of how I avoided 'dry drunk' and kept working towards sobriety. It involved action and understanding that drinking is on top of all other bad things that have festered, many of which were in place way before the first drink.

I also sometimes want to drop a bucket of ice-cold water on moderation hopefuls. I actually understand the ambiguity of the situation they're in very well (with drinking and definitely with the smoking), but that's also one thing I've learned so far - there are certain decisions where 'maybe' doesn't cut it. It's also similar to how a person cannot 'maybe research this topic', you either do it or you don't.

That's one of the complex conundrums of sobriety - it starts from a strict (yet simple) binary decision. And you then have to put everything into that choice, however unsure of it you actually are, and that's difficult. The convictions regarding the positivity of sobriety are very hard to convey in a meaningful way.

I also struggle (and think I always have) in finding the right balance between kind and tough-love support. Causes me to consider that what I write might somehow make things worse for someone who is already feeling down - yet writing something different wouldn't be what I wanted to write.

I'm sure I'm making super many senses right now :P

Dee74

Its basically my job to make sure that posts don't go over that line of making it worse for someone - think of me as quality assurance, lol.

For what it worth, I've never found you to be near that line.

D

biminiblue

Keep doing what you are doing, kk.

There are over 3100 views on this thread so far. You have a story to tell, and you've been telling it here brilliantly, according to over 3100 people.

There are a lot of lurkers to this site - far more lurkers than regular posters. You've been very upfront and descriptive about your last five/six months sober. That's important and has already helped a lot of people.

I read most of your posts, they're entertaining, smart and insightful. I just realized you joined this site in February of 2015. Huh.

G'nite, kk. G'nite Dee. I'm watching "The Politician" series on Netflix. It's pretty good except for all the rich people to whom I can't relate. I just ate and now it's time to relax.

saoutchik

I suspect almost all of us have been "moderation hopefuls" in the past, I certainly was. It's only natural to not want to accept being an alcoholic or problem drinker and all that entails. All I post in those scenarios is that it did not work for me despite numerous attempts but good luck. Most alcoholics seem to have similar experiences in terms of their actual drinking so writing about our own will hopefully chime with others.

kk1k5x

True, there are many common characteristics in everyone's story. Wish I could write a longer reply, but I'm currently translating ...and super annoyed with the prof already.

Second day with no contact. Perhaps 'they' know something I don't, but I find it annoying to exceed deadlines like this. Admittedly, I missed many a deadline in the past due to my drunken or hungover state, but currently this is not a thing for me. Furthermore, since I do translate regularly, it means I get to meet anywhere from 1-7 deadlines a week, so the attitude towards deadlines has already become ingrained. Which makes it super annoying for me, if I'm waiting on someone else and the deadline has passed and is getting further away with every hour.

Ugh. So I just emailed the editor - screw it, I can't keep that person in the dark any longer if I'm not informed about the delay. I can understand that things happen and delays occur, but it would be better to notify of such delays.

Guess I'll just keep translating for as long as it takes, the text isn't long and the deadline is at 10 am tomorrow, so I'll just direct my effort there for the time being.

End of Day 268. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Great ... like 30 minutes after I emailed the editor (which I was holding off doing), the prof sends me an email after approx 48 hours of silence.

Oh boy does this make me mad.

biminiblue

heh, maybe the editor emailed the professor?

It'll all work out, kk.

Dee74

you were entitled to contact the editor to explain the delay I think

D

kk1k5x

Thanks bim and Dee.

I only got 4 hours of sleep because of this manuscript bs and I was also translating. So to finish the translation, I got up earlier than usual. The translation had some errors. Normally I'm fine with those, but today it just got me so low.

The manuscript had some prof edits but was largely just comments on what to improve. We know who'll be doing the repairs. Ugh.

Guess I stress-ate fries and salad for breakfast today and tbh I don't even care. I need to sleep...and then do the manuscript improvements. Needless to say, I'm not rushing into any new writing projects anytime soon.

Dee74

yeah take it easy today

D

biminiblue

It's clear you're a very conscientious person and want to do well.

That is a blessing and can sometimes be a curse.

Ask me how I know...



Also - it's 5AM here right now and I'm toying with the idea of salad and baked potato for breakfast now.

kk1k5x

I slept a little bit during the day, spent most of my afternoon looking into programming and data science stuff.
The work guy mentioned that there might be a possibility of getting work that'll last for a bit more than 30 days with an average tempo of 6 pages/day. I think this would be very good. The stability of it, mostly.

Still waiting for the manuscript back from the prof (i.e. I made the improvements, sent it for review, and should be receiving it back), it was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago Guess it just doesn't stop lol. However, I still have my hopes for the next 15 minutes, because I'm quite sleepy and would just like to get it over with, so I could go to bed.

Had to mention that, although I cut those parts out of the manuscript (because it was a mistake to have them there without proof), there was something I didn't know how to do this morning, but I learned how to do it by the evening. It's to do with certain methods that I'm almost completely unfamiliar with. Surprisingly, it seems I actually did prove my (previously unfounded) point with the help of a little programming. But I'll just leave that as a small person win for today. Maybe something to build from in the future.

End of Day 269. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Good luck with getting some longer term work kk.

kk1k5x

Today was general me-maintenance. Got a haircut, cleaned my room and put the new nightstand where it's supposed to be.
Made some food from leftover stuff (rice, garlic, leftover tomato soup as sauce base and chorizo ...that I received in the mail today haha, as a care package from my UK friends. I really love Tesco's spicy version for some reason)

During the day, I also treated myself to a fresh pizza. Hadn't had one in a while and it seemed to go well with sending in the manuscript and stuff. I also got notified that the editor successfully received it and now the editor offered a draft for me to review. That was the deal from the beginning. It's going to be something new for me, as I've not formally reviewed anything before but it's a necessary experience for me.

The work guy contacted me. The longer work had gotten shorter and I guess he's still negotiation or waiting on the client, it hasn't been confirmed yet. It would still be a very decent chunk of work though. We'll see.

Also emailed the professor with my plans until summer, with some ideas about writing projects, methods etc. I don't necessarily expect an answer anytime soon, but it's a roadsign for myself mostly, because I've wanted to write those ideas down for a while now. As you write, you always get new ideas. Whilst I'm not rushing into anything, I do have that spa geek camp coming up in two weeks and so it's good to have some thoughts for that. Who knows, maybe I'll make enough progress there to get me going on finishing another piece.

For now, I'll just relax. The new nightstand smells of wood. Lol I initially thought maybe my cleaning endeavours weren't thorough enough and all I managed to do was rustle up some wood chips (that shouldn't exist in my room ), but luckily it's the nightstand.

There's the mid-season finale of Vikings planned for tonight. And I also have the movie Knives Out lined up.

Hope everyone had a good day.

End of Day 270. I did not drink today.

Dee74

Hope you had a relaxing day kk1k

D

kk1k5x

Today was very chill. I started my morning a bit later than usual, had a long sleep. Last night, before bed, I went back to that youtube channel by shane reinert with those addiction stories. It's very good listening material. The roads to dependency are different yet also very similar. It's one of those conundrums of addiction - once you cross the line, the only question is "how bad do you let it get before... (a) get sober or b) just die)?"

Later in the day I learned more about those methods. I had a plan in the back of my mind about what I'd like to get done and somehow... through sticking with it, reading tutorials, piecing together my solution from those and lots of trial and error, I actually managed to get the data that I wanted. And all on my own, too! It was a small win, but I'll take it.

I am watching basketball, maybe a movie later on. I started watching that Knives Out flick, but it's slightly weird one, so I'll finish it tonight probably.

Realised that I might actually have to appear in a school setting next week haha. 'Here we go again ...'

End of Day 271. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Decided today was just non-activity. I let my mind clear out.

I had a couple of good meals planned out (one of which included mashed potatoes, lots of salad and, I guess the English speaking world would call these..., small hamburger steaks; and I crispied some thin slices of chorizo to go with the mashed potatoes and it was the star of the meal).

I did look up the actual curriculum for the courses I planned on enrolling in and it sure does seem that I'll have to be in a classroom both on Wednesday and Friday this upcoming week. This still feels kind of weird, going back to school - even if it is in very limited capacity. I've been away from all possibility of such occurrences for a little more than a year now, so my first thought was "Wonder if I'm even able to find the right place". It's funny how the mind clears out seemingly set-in-stone aspects of previous experience when it's been out of use for an extended period of time, and you actively re-write those sections with new material. I guess that's also the insight one always wants to pass on to those who just got sober - time heals when you use that time for active healing.

I got the paper that I must review late yesterday (the editor is US-based) and I think I was lucky in that it did not seem like a super difficult read or method. Forwarded it to the prof who replied some minutes ago, asking whether she should read or if I want to. I suggested we both do it, because I need the experience but I'd gain a lot more experience if I saw how she does it the first time around.

I should also receive word tomorrow about whether the longer translation goes into work or not. If not, then I hope there are alternatives, because there's a tax payment coming up in about a month's time and I could use the funds for sure.

Anyways. It was a good day and while I feel some anxiety about going back to classes next week, I also welcome the challenge and the new knowledge I'm fixing to gain.

Hope everyone enjoyed their Sunday.

End of Day 272. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

I'm sure you will be fine when you go back to classes kk. It's a bit like riding a bike, you'll be back in the vibe in no time.

Wow! That IS a lot of views (over 3.5K now)

Congratulations on 272 days, 9 months must be imminent.

kk1k5x

Had to take one class off the schedule. I knew this was a possibility, but not so soon - i.e. a clash with translation work. Which is why I reassessed the course's need. It's good but it's not immediately essential and the class was mid-day Wednesday, so I needed out. All the Friday things remain, because those are crucial for current activities.

I have had quite a poor day. I've had a headache almost the entire day it actually felt like perhaps it's bloodp related. I.e. 'after the fact', where sth was off with the pressure and then everything is tender for a while. Not sure what went down but it felt off today.

In the evening I got the confirmation for the longer translation work, 100+ pages and a bit more than 2 weeks to do it, starting tomorrow. Need to rest up and get going when the proper texts come in.

Yes, sao, the upcoming 14th is the 9 month mark. We'll have to live and see, one day at a time.

End of Day 273. I did not drink today.