kk1k5x

I'm going to be using airbnb anyways, Sao, and my first question will be (and actually pretty much always is lol) "where's the supermarket". Eating at cafes or restaurants will most likely be reserved for lunches. I'll be going for the sights and focussing on that. Just gotta make sure I get to taste the sardines :P and ice cream, and pasta, and pizza.

I haven't been feeling well since this morning. Almost immediately after I got out of bed, my brain suggested that 'activities' probably aren't on the agenda for the day. When I made my previous post, I couldn't wait to just get away from the computer. Thing is, I was just typing up a regular email to my professor and felt like I couldn't even finish that.

So I slept for most of the day. It's a bit better now, but still iffy. I managed my daily book translation in ...'mini blocks' initially, because I only went for 15 minutes at a time. When I noticed 2*15 got half a page done, I just finished the rest and probably spent 75-80 minutes on the whole thing. Slow and uncomfortable, but at least I got it done and don't have to deal with 'extras' again tomorrow.

Think I should have a light dinner and then lie down again. I'm not sure what's causing this, but I don't like it one bit.

End of Day 238. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

I decided to take today off from everything because I felt like I needed the rest.
There was a work offer but it hasn't amounted to anything as of yet.

Will be watching documentaries. Maybe read something. Eating food and resting my brain. Just giving myself a day off from everything.

And it feels good, I must admit.

Checked in earlier today, so I wouldn't 'accidentally' fall asleep and miss my post :p

End of Day 239. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Did some book translating today and there was news that work might come in on Friday, so my weekend would be booked but that's good because I need the money.

Interesting event today was a person contacting me. Apparently it was a phd student whose sup had talked to my sup (lol) and gotten my info. Now I have another, probably really interesting, meeting next week. It's obviously not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I was kind of surprised about the fact that my prof had talked to her colleague about work I had done and then this initiated a meeting where I might get a chance to be useful by sharing experience with that colleague's student.

It's just one of those things that falls under the "never happened when I was drinking" category. So I'm both excited and anxious. Also this is sth that never happened in my previous studies.

To me, personally, it's simply...awkward to consider that I might actually be becoming an able-minded member of some lowkey network of researchers who study (often) closely related topics.

Sobriety is full of surprises.

End of Day 240. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Yesterday was my first evening back on a very forgiving system of intermittent fasting. The weight situation has not improved at all in the meanwhile (and why should it have, I've done nothing to that end) and this was one of the things I wanted to give another go in 2020. It worked the last time without too much effort and was quite effective. For the most part the 'intermittent fasting' in my case could be easily substituted with "doesn't eat or snack on anything between 7 p.m. and breakfast". Not particularly back-breaking, although there is an adaptation period if you're a snacker and, at times, nervous eater.

So, yesterday evening I found myself walking to the kitchen on numerous occasions only to 'wake up' upon arrival and realise that I've got no business being there. The power of habit, I tell ya.

Whilst it was a bit rough because of the ingrained habit, the morning felt very good today. When you're hungry, you're also awake, because there's a legitimate need for some food. I know this sounds very first world-y, but we all have our own problems, I guess, and whereas I'm sure many would 'want my problems' in this specific regard, for me it's an issue that could do with a solution.

During the day today, I had to deal with PhD application related paperwork. It was quite the mind-numbing undertaking with seemingly endless copying-pasting of course codes and names etc into a poorly formatted file that the university requires you to use for this task. It probably took me around 3 hours to get all of the previous (relevant) stuff in there, after which I submitted it to the study matters specialist I was introduced to at the institute late last year. To my knowledge, the institute's council hearing on whether I'm to be a PhD student again (albeit external) would have been today as well, but I didn't receive any word on that. In any case, the application needed doing and since it was quite a task, I'm glad it's done (for now).

In the late afternoon I also got work. And lots of it, truth be told. My schedule is booked solid until Monday afternoon. I even finished the first thing already tonight, which was a shorter translation of 4.5 pages. The other two are 16 and 17 respectively, AND there's a chance that some more will be coming in tomorrow with aTuesday deadline. All in all, it would be good to get that one, too, and complete it and review it before I have the meetings on Tuesday.

Not sure if I'm able to work again before my trip anyways and I won't be taking my laptop to Prague, so any work and effort now is much more prefarable as I'm able and willing Definitely need the money, as usual.

Also, I need a haircut.

I think that's it for today Hope everyone had a productive Thursday.

End of Day 241. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

I'm glad you seem to have plenty of work coming in and that meeting with the other student sounds like it could be interesting. I do not recall seeing any supermarkets in Venice itself although it was a long time ago so maybe I have just forgotten. I suppose the few remaining residents must cook sometimes.

kk1k5x

True, Sao. But anyway, September is still very far away and I can hope that there'll be plenty of work in the meantime, so I'll be able to set some aside for Venice. The Prague trip will be a relatively cheap one, as most of the expense are already paid and I don't intend to splurge on anything (the prices there ought to be reasonable, too, from what I've read).

I guess this comes with the normalcy of sobriety, and while I do realise that I talk about work (various types) more than anything else, it's kind of what I do now. Slowly work towards acheiving small goals that I've set.

Lately, I only seldomly experience flashbacks to some super cringeworthy booze-related memories. At times these flashbacks to surprise me, mostly for the pure strength they have in still causing a phsyical wincing reaction in me. When I look back on when and where those events occurred, I'm sort of flabbergasted by the state of denial and ignorance I was in. These events were even more 'cringe-worthy' back then, but none of them directed me towards a better path. I would just ...take the pain and do it again. That's the craziness of alcoholism. Of course, these flashbacks also make me even more grateful for my current situation. In many ways, I think I'm anxious (if not still scared) of the prospect of 'moving forward'. It still feels new and it's so alien to drunks in general, I suppose. At least I was so stuck in my ways, the idea of progress just never made it past a drunken daydream, because I had no willingness to do something in order to try and acheive progress.

Guess one could say the only progressive thing for an alcoholic in active addiction is his or her alcoholism? I think so. Well, in my own experience, I know so.

To contrast that, I translated 11.4 pages for work today :P The differences between my situation while drinking and my current situation have yet to stop surprising me (hopefully they never will, either). It's wonderful how the 'problems' shift from hopeless doom and gloom to things you can and want to do something about, and feel genuinely content with after

End of Day 242. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Another fairly long day. Started with work, but I soon got really tired and went back to sleep on a 'Saturday pass' lol. Finished one translation in the aftenoon and sent it in. The feedback wasn't perfect, but I got it done so there's that. The work guy said (jokingly, I'd assume) "No need to be Too embarrased it's starting to come along".

If I read the room correctly, this means "yes, it wasn't perfect, but there has been quite a bit of progress". If it is that, then I'll take it. He does seem to trust me more with the translations now. Which means the stakes go up, too, because then it's easier to betray that trust by completely bombing something along the way.

I will just keep trying to do what I have been doing for the past 5-6 weeks and try to learn as much as possible along the way. I do feel that I don't get stuck in specific places as much as I used to.

Maybe it's my brain that's coming back online from all this sobriety. I'd like to think so. To an extent, I know so. It's actually fairly weird to consider the fact that in February, I will already have been doing translations for a year! I mean, time sure flies by and me ending up doing translations was super random after that faculty debacle.

It's also super weird to realise that I have been sober for almost 8 calendar months now. The weirdness of the thought comes from the fact that I can remember certain parts of how I came back to SR (and how I felt just before that and how I drank the night before) as if it happened yesterday.

End of Day 243. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Moving forwards just sort of happens as part of day to day life without you having to consciously do anything much. The longer you stay off the booze the more normalised it becomes and the less you think about it. The prospect of "forever" is daunting in early recovery but it gradually becomes less and less of a thing. 243 days or roughly 8 months is good going and probably means you don't think about drinking as often as before. It will get even easier as time goes on.

Good luck with the translations.

kk1k5x

Thanks Sao. And thanks for checking in, I like this thread a bit more when others join in and it's less of a diary. Although a diary is just fine, because it really is my main tool for sobriety

Initially I was planning to write about a horrible news story that happened yesterday where a 30-something speeding drunk driver crashed into another car and killed two young women and a baby. Reading it made me so angry, I wanted to strangle that person with my own two hands. But death to a person like that is too easy.

I know many would say 'you shouldn't judge people', but we do it every single day anyways, whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not. For example, if my statement lit something up in you, you're basically already coming to a judgment about the validity and legitimacy of my statement. Point proven.

People who wilfully endanger the lives of others (and, in many cases, do so repeatedly) should be removed from society with whatever means are currently available - because they add nothing to society's well-being, only to its undoing.

We could, however, discuss at length what to do about drunk driving in the first place. Somehow, these talks have yet to lead us to any workable solutions. People can still advertise booze, buy booze, drink booze, be drunk and, for that matter, drive drunk. Taking away the pathological drunk driver's license does jack s**t, because he or she never needed it in the first place for what he or she was doing. Suspended sentences also don't drive the point home, because most of the times, the first time when those people see prison bars is exactly because they were carrying a suspended sentence when they re-offended. That leaves a jail cell or a bullet. Since the last one isn't an option in the civilised world (although, I would argue, it's more than justified in many cases), it would leave hard time as the cure for drunk driving.

Anyways, it has always boggled my mind why drunk drivers are dealt with using silk mittens. They're criminals that should rot in jail or be buried underneath it. And there's no need for examples of 'having had a few and your friend having a heart attack/wife going into labour', because wrongs never cancel each another out, you still have to pay your dues to society for the wrongdoing even if one wrong helped prevent an even greater one.

This topic is closely related to what I've always wondered about my own drinking and actually, I've thought about it even more after I rejoined SR. I've never really understood how people managed to get drunk, be hungover or still drunk and go to work regardless. In part, this was difficult for me because of the physical condition. But mostly it was because I was always deeply ashamed of my own actions (and, at the time, my perceived weakness in not being able to stop).

For me, drinking was a self-imposed mental torture. Could it have gone a lot worse in terms 'what actually happened'? Sure. But it didn't. And it was still ******* horrible. And I'm never going back to that hell.

I also finished my translations. Financially, it was a good week.

End of Day 244. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

You can buy booze in petrol (gas) stations here. I can foresee a time when other your vehicle will not allow anyone over the legal limit to drive or vehicles becoming driverless. Probably for the best.

I agree about other people commenting. Unfortunately 99% of the Daily Support threads are Class of... and people forget there are some long running threads. You could start a new one in the Alcoholism thread, that gets more eyeballs

kk1k5x

It's alright. I'm good here, because I intend to see this thread to it's limit

Today was a day off and a much needed one at that.

The book/proceedings where my article was published arrived today. It's simply a cool and special feeling to see your own stuff in print.

Also, the faculty council meeting was today and I'm now officially part of an academic family again. My prof sent me an e-mail announcing it, which included the phrases "They confirmed your application with bursts of excitement. True story." I'm sure it has a healthy amount of overemphasis on it, but somewhere deep down where the ego lives, there was a celebration tonight. There was music, pork chops with salad and ice cream.

Tomorrow it's time to meet the professor. Unfortunately, since her young ones are sick, we had to move the time, which means that I had to cancel the other meeting I had for tomorrow. Hopefully I can still have that discussion via Skype soon, because I don't want to leave the other person 'hanging'.

I loaded up my e-reader with some books and going to spend my evening watching new series. Got two new ones: Thieves of the Wood and The Spy.

Earlier I finally watched the Joker (it's a disturbing but superbly made movie) and one called The Red Sea Diving Resort (also good watching, although I sensitive subject matter).

Today's been good to me and I'm very grateful to have enjoyed it sober

End of Day 245. I did not drink today.

Dee74

This thread seems pretty active to me.
I'm glad you're sticking with it kk1k

D

kk1k5x

It's been a very busy day so I will keep this brief. I had two very interesting discussions today, one with a (now) fellow student who seems to share some of my own research interests and we both see ourselves working on a topic together in the future, and the other with my professor - those are always interesting I've come to learn. We set our game plan for the home stretch before the manuscript needs to go out in the beginning of Feb.

If I don't receive any work in the morning, I will get going with the manuscript writing. It's time, I feel it in my fingers now. They want to write

And sobriety allows me to do that. For that I am incredibly grateful.

End of Day 246. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Another half-busy day. Got a sliver of work at around lunch time, took me approximately an hour to finish it. Basically just ...paid for the groceries that I went to the store for after sending in the translation.

Got started on the manuscript, did the barebones stuff today and sent it to the professor. This particular text is a joint endeavour, so the entire thing isn't on my shoulders.

Anyways, I also took a long nap in the afternoon because I just felt like it. Most of my evening I dealt with printing out different tickets and passes etc for the trip. Tomorrow evening I'll go to the city and then very early Friday morning the trip begins with the bus ride to the airport, then a couple of flights later I'll be in Prague. I checked the map and my hotel will be next to the Church of Our Lady Before Tyn (i.e. 'the Disney castle looking church'). Pretty cool.

Tomorrow I'll get a haircut, pack the rest of my stuff, rest up and then it's trip-mode.

End of Day 247. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Happy travelling kk. I am overseas myself at the moment. Been in Amsterdam for a couple of days - business so no time to sightseeing.

kk1k5x

Enjoy Amsterdam Sao I've only stopped in Schipol, but never actually seen any of the Netherlands myself.

My trip got cancelled. My mother's health deteriorated to a point where it would have been complete torture for her to even try to make the trip. The crazy thing about it was that she considered not telling me and 'toughing it out' so as to not disappoint me ... Let me just say that I'm here biggest supporter, and I can travel as much as I want in the future. No vacation trip is worth putting yourself through great pain (matter of fact - these two are the polar opposites in terms of a 'vacation) and I had hoped my mother would guess that about my approach/stance/position?

Anyways, I've spent half the day dealing with the insurance and now I'm working, so things went back to normal in a blink. I just hope dear mother feels better soon and now gets the rest she needs.

End of Day 248. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Aw, that's a shame about your mum (and the trip) Sending positive vibes her way.

biminiblue

Hope your mum feels better, kk.

Dee74

Hope your mum feels better soon KK1k

D

kk1k5x

Yes, I hope so, too.

Additionally, and regardless of how bratty and self-serving this sounds - I hope I will feel better, too. Lol.

I've been salty all day. It started with yesterday's translation being somewhat of a blunder. No, scratch that, the day started with me randomly waking up at 5 am (having gone to bed after 1.30am). Then I started reading and got ideas for the manuscript. After a while I decided to start re-writing the intro, while basically also waiting feedback for the translation.

When I got the feedback, my mood dropped. Suddenly I felt super tired at 11am and went back to bed. Then my phone started buzzing with one work offer after another. Half asleep, I accepted two offers and rejected one for which the deadline seeme unmanageable.

So, here I am, only having managed 5 pages today because my current translation is a real ballbuster. Yay.

I did get all the money back (except for the deductible) from the insurance.

Anyways, I'm frustrated, pissed off and tired. While I don't want to drink, the clarity and strength of 'feeling' that comes with sobriety annoys the **** out of me. Because no one wants to feel bad in an especially lucid and present manner.

End of Day 249. I did not drink today.