All in all, Rome wasn't built in a day, eh? kk1k5x accountability thread
 

It is a bit difficult to believe that I am starting this thread 160 days sober and the reason for it is that my initial thread in the newcomers section just ran out of room :)

Since SR is an integral part of my recovery, I must continue with my daily posts that have helped me enormously thus far.

Yes, you must continue. I really enjoy reading your threads. :)

Welcome to your new home, Kk as you walk over the threshold on Day 160!
I enjoyed reading your first thread and witnessing your progress.

Today was a lounge day. I worked all day yesterday on half the usual energy, so by the late evening my brain was fried and the frustration had built up - needed a breather of sorts.

Which means that I spent today just watching TV, hanging around and basically killing time. Did jot down a couple of notes for the manuscript just so I wouldn't forget them (I used to do that a lot - get an idea, think it's a good one, but never writing it down and then later not being able to recall what it was about). Other than that I ate pie as well as some overroast with lots of salad. Just now, I received news that the last article was accepted and pre-prints were sent for confirmation. So that effort and the 3-4 weeks of rush paid off :)

Where today was a much needed general maintenance day, tomorrow I will continue pushing forward with the current manuscript. It needs to get done because it has been my pet peeve for way too long - so when things move forward with it, I'm very happy, but when they don't, then that familiar frustration sets in. The one which kept this text in the drawer for months and kept it burning in the back of my brain whenever I considered embarking on something new. If you know that general feeling, you know the discomfort I am describing.

With this one, I am leaning and will lean on the prof for support more than usual and ask her to review new additions or changes more often. Breaks up the effort without losing forward momentum because you still get that 'I've accomplished something, even if it's just a little bit," when you wait for feedback on the changes/additions.

I guess I am anxious about it more than I need to be at this point, but this particular article is just that special to me. The very first draft was written when the mayhem of my previous faculty was ongoing (the prof also made some remarks into the text along the lines of "you're being a bit too tough on the other authors"), so it is possible to actually glean my frustrations from the text I wrote back then.

The best I can hope for in writing as well as other things is to just keep moving forward, one step at a time, one day at a time.

It's a bit troubling that I haven't heard from the work guy in almost a week now. I need to translate something, because my UK trip is up in two weeks. I have money, but I would very much like to put my effort into earning more.

End of Day 161. I did not drink today.

Kk, I do hope you receive more translation work soon, add to the coffers for your next travels! Oh I know that feeling of throwing out themcurrent, embarking upon the new, but maybe, stick with the current manuscript, because you’ve already noted down notes?

If it’s not too intrusive a question, are you traveling around the U.K. for two weeks, or stopping in a couple of bases? I live in the U.K. and still have a fairly large number of locations I’d love to visit, one day.......

Hi Tatsy :)

Oh, I'm not throwing the manuscript anywhere in that sense. I wrote it, then left it in 'the drawer', then went back to it at some point but did very little, left it, went back, left it. And so and so forth from December 2018 or Jan this year until today basically. So, there's some frustration there for sure, but it needs to get done which is why at the current moment, I add little bits and pieces every chance I get (and feel like working on it and sometimes when I don't feel like working on it, too). The big thing was actually finishing the rought first draft and sending it to the professor for feedback. With the feedback I got a sort of second wind and have been moving forward with it. The manuscript is not too far from completion anymore, just needs a week or two of this sustained 'small daily tasks and additions' approach. Or so I reckon.

I would like to finish it before I leave for the UK. It feels right to get it done before my bday at least and I think that's entirely manageable :) What a gift to myself that would be, right? Getting rid of an irritant that's been haunting me for almost a year now.

I contacted the work guy today. Initially it seemed the same quiet situations like it's been. He also said that he's had to say no to some work and in this field, when you say no then the work flows in other directions for a time. Made a good point in that - if you say yes to everything or most things, you're always busy and stressed out, but work keeps flowing your way. If you say no, the work goes elsewhere and you're stressed out, because there's no work when you can do it. It seems there's no stress free option.

But I got work for one day, so that's something. It's better than punching in a big round zero on Friday :)

I'll be in the UK for a week (Sat to Sat because then my friend can pick me up from the airport and drop me off, too). Other than the birthday itself, which I'll spend in London, I'll be somewhere in Oxfordshire near Oxford itself. The friend works from home on some days, so I will just get to hang out with her. If I do get the opportunity, I might go sniff the smart air in Oxford :D

But - what area are you in Tatsy? What castles and churches haven't you visited and what's the nearest airport? :D This is starting to sound like a trip in the making ;) I think I might be too stationary this trip, as it was really only meant for the bday but the most comfortable timing of flights (and cheapest) was for a week's stay.

Actually, I've always wanted to go back to Scotland for example. But to do it slightly differently, i.e. without a specific home base. Just visit sights and beautiful place and then take the bus to the next spot. Stay in BandBs etc. Ultimately just circle back to where I initially landed.

Tomorrow is the meeting with my professor, hope that goes well and lots of useful information gets shared. I/We have to start making real decisions about my return to the category of 'student'.

End of Day 162. I did not drink today.

Enjoy your time in London kk, you need three lifetimes to see it all.

Thanks Sao! :) I will (try my best to do so). Agreed, it could even take ...four lifetimes :O if one is ambitious.

Today had work and a good meeting with my professor.

I was unable to finish the translation before I had to catch the bus, so I guess I was somewhat nervous or anxious. These are still old habits, feeling uneasy before meeting someone. Of course (at least so far) the professor always creates a welcoming atmosphere and really listens and discusses things with me as an equal. I always feel safe once I meet her. Lately, I've been putting in the work, too.
Also, since I'm not officially a student yet, and will be an external student anyways, there are no timeline pressures. Things flow, because I made some decisions in early sobriety not to pressure myself unnecessarily. So far it has worked. Albeit in microscopic increments, my ability to take pressure and stress and learn how to thrive under it again improves with every day I am sober. I think this is why it's important for newcomers to really give sobriety a chance and put in the work, because there are many benefits to it, but you notice a number of them only after a while. Y'know, once you actually can look back on things and realise the difference even some months of sobriety can make.

The professor actually mentioned the manuscript I finished and submitted before my trip (will be published shortly) together with the way I did it (i.e. from scratch to submission in just 20 days), as something she can refer to as an example with her other phd students when they complain about having no time. "See, it can be done".

Picture that, y'know. Someone bringing something I did as a POSITIVE benchmark for others? Whoulda thunk? I felt elated. I know she was at least half-joking if not entirely, because she would never even considering comparing students in that way, but I still think I managed to impress her with my effort. Most importantly, I myself felt good about that effort :)

Also, today's bus ride included 'a first'. I had suggested to the prof earlier that maybe we could discuss things over the phone, but she was in meetings without access to email at the time and I needed to catch the bus. She replied just in time so I could have simply walked back home from the stop, cause I got the email as the bus turned around the corner. I ...'lied' that I was already on the bus and the meeting is on. I have lied a lot in my life but never to suggest 'un-cancelling' something when I had already secured the so-called 'out' (which is every active alkie's second best friend, right?).

Some drunko dropped their drink in the bus on my way back - it was too warm in there and the bus had bad ventilation, so for the last 15 minutes of the ride, the bus smelled like booze and general stale humid unnecessarily warm gross.

But I was still happy about the meeting, my way ahead and I was listening to these piano covers of pop songs I really like on Spotify, so I was fine :)

Finished work when I got home and had some well-deserved ovenroasted potatoes with lots of fresh salad. Now I will indulge in Season 3 of 'The Deuce'. Tomorrow I will push forward with my manuscript.

PS: I also got feedback on the last bit I submitted and the prof thought it was fine, which means that I have more or less managed to cure the ills of the two sections that took the most heat in the first round of feedback. Me likey :)

End of Day 163. I did not drink today.

In the bad old days I was certainly drunk on the underground a few times, the Northern Line usually. I'm glad your meeting was positive.

Oh, I've certainly been drunk on the bus more than a couple of times, Sao :P I'm convinced we all have by default if we ever used public transport, because we were certainly drunk on 'a number of occasions'. When I think about it, these are just the sort of things I purposefully tried to ignore whilst drinking. 'It's not that bad, right?'. But for the sober person sitting next to me, must have been horrific, especially if they themselves detested the smell of booze (or of drunks) for one reason or another.

Calling it an early night tonight. I finished, to the best of my current ability and energy levels, the second half of my manuscript today. The first one still needs work and I'll be dealing with that step-by-step tomorrow and on the weekend. I glimpsed at the comments and feedback left for the first half that I need to deal with and it seemed doable within that time frame.

Which caused me to get really excited for a moment. The thought of 'holy crap, I am actually nearing the finish line with this thing!!' popped in and caused my brain to get all giddy and stuff. I know that the professor will have further comments and feedback etc, so I will have to do more fine-tuning after this version is completed, but it is already quite a bit better from what was there previously. And that means ... once it's ready to be submitted, and if it doesn't get a desk reject, I will not have to deal with it for months as the wheels of review slowly grind. Neither the positives or negatives or anything about it. It will be gone from my active thoughts and from the storage space I have lugged it around in for all this time. That is quite exciting for me. I like the idea of 'clearing out the storage space of the past'.

Not that I somehow dislike what I'm doing in general or with this text in particular, but it has been a lot more taxing that some other efforts and endeavours. For that reason, the promise of my brain getting a thorough cleaning after the manuscript is submitted seems so inviting :)

Well, enough chit-chat. I have some show episodes I must glimpse at, so I'll call it a day. Hope everyone's having a good sober day and evening today :)

End of Day 164. I did not drink today.

I am tired. Really really tired. Of writing.

Today started slow. I woke up early as usual, but I had very little in terms of energy. Still had breakfast etc but I soon went back to sleep. Partly because I also felt a great lack of motivation. Hand on heart, this current writing project just seems to drain me whenever I deal with it. Which has been pretty much on daily basis for a week now.

But, I picked it back up again in the afternoon. I read some stuff last night and thought about it and wanted to add some ideas from those materials into my text. That particular effort ended up being 3-4 lines lol. However, I did write a completely new section to replace an old, fairly poor one.

So, I am making progress but it's hard-won. I don't know whether this is because the text/manuscript has been around for a long time already or that I keep going back to it now even if I don't really feel like doing that, but in my mind this writing project/process has somehow come to represent my sobriety to me.

Other texts have not been this difficult to put together. This one is 'all me'. In a weird way, it also represents the curing of past transgressions. About thinking and doing things differently in sobriety. Honest to heavens, it feels like I expose myself sentence by sentence in this text and every evening I feel emptied of energy, because I leave it all 'on the table'.

I have experienced anxiety, reluctance, procrastination and slightly deluded thoughts of 'things not being that bad' with this paper. Sound like oddly familiar symptoms of something else, right?

I also submitted my invoice today, for a very small sum. From a money perspective, this week wasn't a particularly good one. Here's to hoping things change sooner rather than later.

Currently there are chicken wings in the oven, they'll be ready soon, but I will enjoy them tomorrow. They just needed to get cooked tonight for 'best before' reasons.

Maybe I'm overstressing the writing and stuff, but it really feels like this has become a different thing altogether, i.e. that it's not just putting words together in a generally reasonable way. Difficult to explain how that narrative plays in my head and what it entails in terms of emotions, especially as I am quite close to finishing the thing.

End of Day 165. I did not drink today.

If you're so near the end why not give yourself a day (or half day) off KK1k?

D

Hi Dee. I did consider that, but the work just drew me back in every time. Before I knew it, evening had come again.

BUT. While there's still some secretarial work left with the references but ....
I DID IT. THE MAIN PARTS ARE FINISHED!!!

Tomorrow I will do the polishing and then send it to the prof Monday morning, just as I had envisioned it.

I can't believe this! Woo! :D Soon I will have celebratory pizza and fuzzy drink. I am so looking forward to my evening of lounge :)

congrats kk1k :c011:

D

Well done ok, I hope you can submit bigger invoices soon.

Btw for a good tv series check out the new Spiral series - BBC4 Sat 9pm. It is episode 5 and 6 tonight but they are in the I-player.

Thanks Dee and Sao! :). I have to see about that show. I'm still watching the Deuce, season 3 (well I haven't watched much lately, but tonight seems promising). What is the Spiral about? I tried looking it up on IMDB, but there are a couple of options, so was hoping you can clarify a bit. Thanks!

And just to close the day. It was a good one, if a bit hectic and anxious. The weather was rainy and grey, but my eyes were pinned to the laptop for most of the day.

I did go back (again :P) and made some progress with the references, but there's still ways to go. That's alright, I've got the entire day tomorrow to do that. Then it's placing the text and everything on the journal's template file and ...yipeee.

I did finally get a ham and mushroom pizza. It was delicious. And I got some layered cookies.

I've put aside the work stuff for tonight and am just winding down, getting ready for sleep. I am so grateful for my sobriety on days like these, because it allows me to do what I want to do. Even if it's tought at times, my head stays clear. When I finished the main parts of the text today, I was sitting on my balcony, watching the rain and grey, and I just couldn't help but smile. It was almost like a vibration of joy was rushing through me. One thing that wasn't there? Any wish for alcohol and I am super grateful for this.

End of Day 166. I did not drink today.

All done with the manuscript. References done, took me the whole day to get it done. Formatted and polished and sent to the prof for final reviews. I did it yay! An early birthday gift :)
I also got to exchange some messages with another PhD student today. Way back when we thought about writing something together, but decided to go with separate projects and now both our pieces are being published (the pre-Italy text) in a week or so. Actually, I think the journal might be out exactly on the day of my birth. That would be kind of cool.

England in 6 days! The Tower, bacon and quality time with one of my best friends, including meals at local restaurants. The week has all the potential of being a memorable one.

I'm sorting out the bus trips to and from the airport. Got lucky, it seems, was able to use some 'travel points' for a free ticket! Definitely a pleasant surprise this one.

With the 'official business' out of the way in due time, I can now fully focus on my trip. It's a liberating feeling.

I hope everyone had a good week!

End of Day 167. I did not drink today.

Lounge day for me. Watching the third John Wick movie now. I mean both Chapter 3 and the third one today. I translated a paragraph or so from the book today from where I left off in June. It didn't seem horrible at all. Maybe it's the other translation practice I've gotten in the meanwhile, maybe my head is a bit clearer now, compared with 4 months ago. That's a cert in general, but I wonder if it's also the case in particular ;)

I did ship out some gifts that I got for people from Italy. And discussed some specifics about the UK. There are foods you can get here, but can't get there and whenever there are fellow country(wo)men involved, some black bread and smoked sausage in your bag is a must.

Also, I should get to see Stonehenge on Sunday. Looking forward to that! There might also be a free Harry Potter walking tour to be walked during my trip if I get the chance in Oxford :D The inner nerd is excited once again.

End of Day 168. I did not drink today.

No change on the work front. It has been a slow day, with movies and reading.

Not much to say, other than I really hope to get some work soon. I communicated with the work guy, but there haven't been any suitable offers, which is a total bummer. I decided to invest in a textbook of things I'm supposed to know anyways (contracts), but don't because I was just a drunk in law school and knew from the start that I myself will not be putting together any contracts professionally. Need to catch up, maybe widen the grasp of what I can translate. Recent translations have been okay, there have not been any complaints on that front as there were in the past, when I rushed things etc. I've calmed down a lot, put more emphasis on quality and precision.

That aside ....still need to get work in order to apply all those things. Law books aren't cheap either. Definitely hoping this will pay off in the near future.

I love the days where everything seems to be in balance. Work, rest, other activities. Then after a time, something starts to go off balance. Right now that's the day-job translations. Other than that, I had the manuscript ready and I'm also well-rested by now. Would be a perfect time for a small bday gift in the form of a good, long translation that wouldn't be very rushed in terms of tempo.

End of Day 169. I did not drink today.