Class of February 2019 Support Thread Pt 3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by canguy 
This is hard to explain......but does anybody else want to drink when things are going well? Just sit back and have a bit of a celebration? Always a tempter to me. Guess I've learned that its not really enjoyed unless its enjoyed drunk.
Bit sad when I write it down....
Bit sad when I write it down....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 21
Addy47, thank you so much for checking in on me. And thank you everyone for the ((hugs)). Much appreciated and much needed.
I almost didn't go. But one of the 3 friends was visiting from out of state, and these are folks I've been close to for decades - I trust them. I didn't know if I trusted myself.
As we texted about it yesterday afternoon, I suggested the restaurant (I always suggest the restaurant) - it has the name of a type of liquor in the name (IN THE NAME WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME OH RIGHT I KNOW) and mentioned that I was especially excited about having their [particular dish] again. I know what I was thinking, it is a restaurant based in a regional cuisine that reminds me of time we have spent together in that region, it's a short walk from the hotel where my friend was staying - a short walk through a very pretty part of my city - and I knew they would like the food. But as soon as I sent the restaurant suggestion, I felt the pull and terror of it. And I mentioned the dish I'd had last time. Which then got me craving SO HARD. Just over a month in, and this was my first really hardcore panicked run-to-the-bathroom-and-stare-at-myself-in-the-mirror craving. I wanted to cancel. I could taste it. I was afraid I couldn't go and not drink. I wished to hell I had a sponsor. I thought of who I could text about it, filed through my mental rolodex and eventually just thought YOU CAN DO THIS. And if it gets hard, there is a women's meeting a short cab ride away long enough into the night that I could have eaten a small plate and run out. I could do that if it got hard. And thank you universe for my friends ordering 1) a glass of water, 2) something I don't like, and 3) something I physically can't drink for dietary reasons. If there had been a glass of [beverage I was thinking of as going so nicely with what I wanted to order] it would have been torture. I just focused on my seltzer and opted out of conversations about alcohol (so strange to notice how much people talk about alcohol as part of storytelling). Took them to a chocolate shop afterward for dessert. Got a ride home. I made it. I made it.
And when I got home my husband had met up with his ex-wife (they are friendly, it's fine), who announced her engagement to her (previously known as being in recovery) boyfriend. Who has started drinking again.
Universe, thank you. Deep breaths. Another day. Another night. It's Friday morning where I am. I have another meeting tomorrow morning. Solidarity, folks. THANK YOU for being here. I'm sorry for all the shouting but gosh these are big feelings.
I almost didn't go. But one of the 3 friends was visiting from out of state, and these are folks I've been close to for decades - I trust them. I didn't know if I trusted myself.
As we texted about it yesterday afternoon, I suggested the restaurant (I always suggest the restaurant) - it has the name of a type of liquor in the name (IN THE NAME WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME OH RIGHT I KNOW) and mentioned that I was especially excited about having their [particular dish] again. I know what I was thinking, it is a restaurant based in a regional cuisine that reminds me of time we have spent together in that region, it's a short walk from the hotel where my friend was staying - a short walk through a very pretty part of my city - and I knew they would like the food. But as soon as I sent the restaurant suggestion, I felt the pull and terror of it. And I mentioned the dish I'd had last time. Which then got me craving SO HARD. Just over a month in, and this was my first really hardcore panicked run-to-the-bathroom-and-stare-at-myself-in-the-mirror craving. I wanted to cancel. I could taste it. I was afraid I couldn't go and not drink. I wished to hell I had a sponsor. I thought of who I could text about it, filed through my mental rolodex and eventually just thought YOU CAN DO THIS. And if it gets hard, there is a women's meeting a short cab ride away long enough into the night that I could have eaten a small plate and run out. I could do that if it got hard. And thank you universe for my friends ordering 1) a glass of water, 2) something I don't like, and 3) something I physically can't drink for dietary reasons. If there had been a glass of [beverage I was thinking of as going so nicely with what I wanted to order] it would have been torture. I just focused on my seltzer and opted out of conversations about alcohol (so strange to notice how much people talk about alcohol as part of storytelling). Took them to a chocolate shop afterward for dessert. Got a ride home. I made it. I made it.
And when I got home my husband had met up with his ex-wife (they are friendly, it's fine), who announced her engagement to her (previously known as being in recovery) boyfriend. Who has started drinking again.
Universe, thank you. Deep breaths. Another day. Another night. It's Friday morning where I am. I have another meeting tomorrow morning. Solidarity, folks. THANK YOU for being here. I'm sorry for all the shouting but gosh these are big feelings.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Great job pupper and FG!!! I ended up basically taking yesterday off. Got my hair done, took a nap, woke up, made dinner, ate, watched TV and went to bed. It was great! So, today I will catch up. With all this crap going on in my life, I had had major cravings....just not acting on them (yet). As for those of you who have mentioned basically enabling my daughter (in her own addiction), of course you are right. I cut her off when we moved to Costa Rica in 2011, and she ended up homeless and addicted for YEARS. She FINALLY got on her feet and cleaned up, so I tried to "help"to keep her going....BIG MISTAKE. This guy has her so psychologically brainwashed that she doesn't even know who she is anymore! Anyway, she is 30....it's time. I am done. I guess I relate to her because my 1st marriage (of 7 years) was verbally, psychologically and physically abusive. 7 years to get up the nerve to get out with just the clothes on my back...to save myself. It was during that time that I REALLY started drinking (between the ages of 18-25)....eons ago. But....all I have is today, so I am going to make it count! She is going to have to learn to fight her own demons.....
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,174
FG.......you made it. I was sure you would, knew you could.
Ppl here say that it gets easier with time and practice. I hope that's true.
Pupper......that was a hard night. Also good you here again this morning and not on a Day 1. That sounded hard to do.
Saturday morning here, grey and quiet. Weekends sometimes a difficult time for many of us here.
I try to replace the drunk weekends with creative weekends. Make, do something, try and get a bit ambitious.
It does help a lot if you can get a bit lost in something else.
Ppl here say that it gets easier with time and practice. I hope that's true.
Pupper......that was a hard night. Also good you here again this morning and not on a Day 1. That sounded hard to do.
Saturday morning here, grey and quiet. Weekends sometimes a difficult time for many of us here.
I try to replace the drunk weekends with creative weekends. Make, do something, try and get a bit ambitious.
It does help a lot if you can get a bit lost in something else.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Well, 1/2 assed most everything today except my 2.5 mile walk!!!! It's ok though cuz I didn't drink and about every 1/2 hour got a ne update from the lawyer, so now i have to revise my State Complaint anyway...lol....Glad that I am able to kinda take it "in stride" today....
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 179
Hi everyone! I hope you're all enjoying your weekend so far... I'm looking forward to spending loads of time in the sunshine and fun time with friends!
My phone has a "this day last year" thing for my pictures. I love seeing my kid grow up, but... god it makes me cringe to see my fat red sweaty ugly face trying to fake a smile, and the inevitable drink on the table in the background of every picture then. It makes me appreciate now more to remember then, but it's still awful and disgusting and SAD. Maybe this is just a stage in the process, or maybe I'll always feel regretful. Either way.
41 days as of right now! It's the longest I've gone in years without a single drink. I'm sleeping like a rock, almost two jeans sizes smaller, and my skin is lovely and not magenta. I don't get snappy (much) or stressed (hardly ever) and I'm much more optimistic. I'm starting to work on a big sewing project, and I've got a 4.0 in grad school. And I would like to thank alcohol for inspiring me to take my life back from its sheer misery. Thanks, alcohol!
My phone has a "this day last year" thing for my pictures. I love seeing my kid grow up, but... god it makes me cringe to see my fat red sweaty ugly face trying to fake a smile, and the inevitable drink on the table in the background of every picture then. It makes me appreciate now more to remember then, but it's still awful and disgusting and SAD. Maybe this is just a stage in the process, or maybe I'll always feel regretful. Either way.
41 days as of right now! It's the longest I've gone in years without a single drink. I'm sleeping like a rock, almost two jeans sizes smaller, and my skin is lovely and not magenta. I don't get snappy (much) or stressed (hardly ever) and I'm much more optimistic. I'm starting to work on a big sewing project, and I've got a 4.0 in grad school. And I would like to thank alcohol for inspiring me to take my life back from its sheer misery. Thanks, alcohol!
Duck Duck Goose!
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by canguy
FG.......you made it. I was sure you would, knew you could.
Today is a new day. Onward and upward (as soon as I drag my sorry ass out of bed and take some Motrin - I have too much to do today and feel rotten.)
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Sorry FG.....but hey, you are right. Today is a new (sober) day! Just remember this rotten feeling vs. how good you will feel tomorrow! Don't beat yourself up...sh*t happens. Do you think you "planned" your slip? Have heard it said that we "plan our own relapses"; I know I have in the past....thought about drinking (always in the back of my mind that I could drink like "normal people"), talked myself into it slowly...but surely, and then BAM....a drink order comes out of my mouth. Maybe being out of town had something to do with it? I dunno....just thinking out loud....
Today is supposed to be a beautiful day ...it's 7:00 am in California and I have already been outside; clear as a bell! Too bad I put stuff off yesterday, since I will have to be sitting behind my computer most of the day
I think it was worth it though.....all in all. I don't keep any wine in the house anymore; it helps me not to be "tempted". Hubby keeps his beer in the garage, so I don't see that either. He has cut waaaaay back, for which I am grateful. He "says" he wants to quit, but I think he is afraid of the withdrawals...."to each his own". Not getting any pressure from me, cuz I know that it's an "inside job" and it has to come from him when he is ready. Anyway, I am off to "finish what I started"...ugh! Just thinking about how nice it will be to have a clean desk! Have a great day, everyone!
Today is supposed to be a beautiful day ...it's 7:00 am in California and I have already been outside; clear as a bell! Too bad I put stuff off yesterday, since I will have to be sitting behind my computer most of the day
I think it was worth it though.....all in all. I don't keep any wine in the house anymore; it helps me not to be "tempted". Hubby keeps his beer in the garage, so I don't see that either. He has cut waaaaay back, for which I am grateful. He "says" he wants to quit, but I think he is afraid of the withdrawals...."to each his own". Not getting any pressure from me, cuz I know that it's an "inside job" and it has to come from him when he is ready. Anyway, I am off to "finish what I started"...ugh! Just thinking about how nice it will be to have a clean desk! Have a great day, everyone!
Duck Duck Goose!
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 325
I don’t think I planned it, but there was this euphoric “screw everything” feel about the whole thing. Started at a restaurant and finished at home (I’m back from my travels) after a stop at a party store. Nobody - including myself - even thought about stopping me.
My diet app (Noom) had some very appropriate and timely things to say this morning. Almost like it knew what happened with me last night. It’s been 5 weeks and I guess it is common to feel the way I have been - except I’m layering no alcohol on top of the diet so there’s even more pressures.
There’s good tools both both here and in my app. I know I can do this.
Hope you enjoy your good weather trudging. Snowed again here over night. Oh joy.
My diet app (Noom) had some very appropriate and timely things to say this morning. Almost like it knew what happened with me last night. It’s been 5 weeks and I guess it is common to feel the way I have been - except I’m layering no alcohol on top of the diet so there’s even more pressures.
There’s good tools both both here and in my app. I know I can do this.
Hope you enjoy your good weather trudging. Snowed again here over night. Oh joy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
I'm still here...but hanging by a thread for the most part. It's the depression. It just feels like it will never go away no matter what I do. And trust me, I am doing everything possible. The only thing left is to just accept it and trust it will go away some day or learn to live with it.
Self medicating will only give me a break for about 30 minutes. And I know where it will lead. I will eventually not even get the 30 minutes. My list of reasons to drink were long too. Didn't matter if it was to celebrate or to numb myself from awful. The list got long until I got to the point I didn't need any reason.
My sponsor asked me to text her 3 things I was grateful for every night. For the past week all I could come up with was I'm grateful I'm not drinking and I'm grateful the day is over. Her list was more interesting to read to say the least.
I need to find a new addiction. Cleaning would be a good one. I can't remember the last time I vacuumed or dusted my apartment.
Sorry for the rant. I feel a little better. It's good to rant once in awhile.
xoxo
Self medicating will only give me a break for about 30 minutes. And I know where it will lead. I will eventually not even get the 30 minutes. My list of reasons to drink were long too. Didn't matter if it was to celebrate or to numb myself from awful. The list got long until I got to the point I didn't need any reason.
My sponsor asked me to text her 3 things I was grateful for every night. For the past week all I could come up with was I'm grateful I'm not drinking and I'm grateful the day is over. Her list was more interesting to read to say the least.
I need to find a new addiction. Cleaning would be a good one. I can't remember the last time I vacuumed or dusted my apartment.
Sorry for the rant. I feel a little better. It's good to rant once in awhile.
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 246
Checking in on day 40. Feels good to be sober/not hung over on a Saturday. I’m starting to like sober life. A lot!
FOIE: Hang in there. Thinking about you. How are you doing today? Have you considered holding off on the diet until you get some solid sobriety? Hunger is a HUGE trigger for most people to drink.
PUPPER: Great job staying sober! You are building your sober muscles!!!
TRUDGING hang in there and stay strong! You are doing the best thing for your daughter by detaching with love for now. I’m sure it’s hard but you seem like a very strong person.
CANGUY: Me too! I picked up my pottery that I made last weekend today. I love it!
LIPSTUCK: wow!!! It sounds like sobriety looks good on you! Literally!!! Keep it up!
360: Have you been to a doctor about your depression? I’m sorry you are struggling. :-(
FOIE: Hang in there. Thinking about you. How are you doing today? Have you considered holding off on the diet until you get some solid sobriety? Hunger is a HUGE trigger for most people to drink.
PUPPER: Great job staying sober! You are building your sober muscles!!!
TRUDGING hang in there and stay strong! You are doing the best thing for your daughter by detaching with love for now. I’m sure it’s hard but you seem like a very strong person.
CANGUY: Me too! I picked up my pottery that I made last weekend today. I love it!
LIPSTUCK: wow!!! It sounds like sobriety looks good on you! Literally!!! Keep it up!
360: Have you been to a doctor about your depression? I’m sorry you are struggling. :-(
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,174
FG....you can get right back on the bike and keep going. We are all here learning how to do this, like a bike, sometimes falling off is how you learn to ride it.
Sober 360.....30 minutes is it. I often think something similar. It'll just be good for an nour or so, then it slides downhill from there. I think we can all be grateful for a sober day. Maybe some days, its enough.
Congrats on 40 Addy. I enjoy it too, Its a release.
Sober 360.....30 minutes is it. I often think something similar. It'll just be good for an nour or so, then it slides downhill from there. I think we can all be grateful for a sober day. Maybe some days, its enough.
Congrats on 40 Addy. I enjoy it too, Its a release.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Checking in to say hi to all early Sunday Morning. Hoping to take a break sometime today....My desk is not cleaned off yet.....but I'm getting closer! Not much going on here....hubby is still sleeping and recovering from his nose surgery....I am up and at 'em! Hang in there everyone!
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 21
Good morning everyone! Checking in quickly as my husband showers - we’re off with his parents this morning, then they’ll drop me at my father & brother’s house while they go off shopping, so I can check in on them, take care of a few things for them... apologies for any autocorrects as I speed through this reply.
Foie Gras, you can do this. I was very nearly in your position this week. I echo others’ gentle suggestions about being gentle with yourself regarding dieting, at least until you get your 90 days under your belt. This is my aim - to get my asthma under control, do some cardio, get to day 90, then try dieting. Gently. Because part of the reason why I drank is body shame, self hatred, trauma over being bullied for my weight, other trauma - food was a drug to me too. And I anticipate having a hard time making peace with food because unlike alcohol I can’t abstain. So one thing at a time. I am sending you waves of love and acceptance. Do you follow any body positive social media accounts? They help me SO MUCH. Bodyposipanda is a favorite. Have a peek and see if she helps you like she helps me.
OK, the shower has turned off! I have to run, but I appreciate and value you all. Thank you for being here - on line, and in this space of new sobriety with me. One day at a time.
Oh and I can’t figure out how to like comments from my phone but I like all of them!! 💗
Foie Gras, you can do this. I was very nearly in your position this week. I echo others’ gentle suggestions about being gentle with yourself regarding dieting, at least until you get your 90 days under your belt. This is my aim - to get my asthma under control, do some cardio, get to day 90, then try dieting. Gently. Because part of the reason why I drank is body shame, self hatred, trauma over being bullied for my weight, other trauma - food was a drug to me too. And I anticipate having a hard time making peace with food because unlike alcohol I can’t abstain. So one thing at a time. I am sending you waves of love and acceptance. Do you follow any body positive social media accounts? They help me SO MUCH. Bodyposipanda is a favorite. Have a peek and see if she helps you like she helps me.
OK, the shower has turned off! I have to run, but I appreciate and value you all. Thank you for being here - on line, and in this space of new sobriety with me. One day at a time.
Oh and I can’t figure out how to like comments from my phone but I like all of them!! 💗
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