Class of August 2018 Part 5
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 194
Good morning!
I am finally feeling better. My sleep was all wackadoo, so sorry I didn't check in sooner.
Ben. BEN! Here is my impression of you when you jumped from July: strong, consistent, vigilant, responsible, kind and consistent and one of the most determined people to lick this I have read. You essentially were posting in your very own "Castaway" class by yourself to keep accountable.
Here is my impression of you today: Same.
Your mind is playing tricks with you. I have heard that after people stop for say, 50 days, that the drink is so much worse, blackouts, hangovers, all of it. So the bad news is this may suck right now. The good news is, you have learned so much more and will be so much stronger and even more resolved to not go through this again when you get to the other side. As you know, it is time. Don't trust your brain. Get a straight jacket if you must. You will not be the same guy who did it for 50 days....you will be stronger and better prepared. But right now, just shut off...fire...your brain. It is an unreliable narrator. There is nothing you need to think about now. Just get through it.
And keep posting here, rage, vent, ask for help. This is the last time you have to do this. I have no doubt from the Ben we know that you've got this once you get through these early days.
I am finally feeling better. My sleep was all wackadoo, so sorry I didn't check in sooner.
Ben. BEN! Here is my impression of you when you jumped from July: strong, consistent, vigilant, responsible, kind and consistent and one of the most determined people to lick this I have read. You essentially were posting in your very own "Castaway" class by yourself to keep accountable.
Here is my impression of you today: Same.
Your mind is playing tricks with you. I have heard that after people stop for say, 50 days, that the drink is so much worse, blackouts, hangovers, all of it. So the bad news is this may suck right now. The good news is, you have learned so much more and will be so much stronger and even more resolved to not go through this again when you get to the other side. As you know, it is time. Don't trust your brain. Get a straight jacket if you must. You will not be the same guy who did it for 50 days....you will be stronger and better prepared. But right now, just shut off...fire...your brain. It is an unreliable narrator. There is nothing you need to think about now. Just get through it.
And keep posting here, rage, vent, ask for help. This is the last time you have to do this. I have no doubt from the Ben we know that you've got this once you get through these early days.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Ben - you’re just like me. My bed was my retreat when I was in the midst of the addiction. Lying in my pit - hiding - swearing to my wife I would never drink again... and then at 5pm I would bounce out of bed and head back up to the pub....
You just need to get through Day 1
Strength to you.
JT
You just need to get through Day 1
Strength to you.
JT
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 88
Good morning all. I’m sorry for not posting lately, I’m still waiting for the MRI authorization, and yes, the anxiety is getting to me. My doctor did order antibiotics yesterday for a low-grade fever, so hopefully they will kick in and I can start feeling better soon. I know I shouldn’t be drinking over this, but I did cave and drink some wine last night, but I will not drink today.
Ben, I feel your pain over starting over again, I’m right there with you. But, we can do this, we’ve proven it to ourselves before, and just have to gain that momentum to get through the difficulty of the first week.
So, ODAAT for me!
Carry on, my sober cyber friends, and no matter what life throws at you, hold onto your sobriety as though it’s the greatest treasure in your life, because in reality, it is!
Off to work, but I will check in this evening.
Ben, I feel your pain over starting over again, I’m right there with you. But, we can do this, we’ve proven it to ourselves before, and just have to gain that momentum to get through the difficulty of the first week.
So, ODAAT for me!
Carry on, my sober cyber friends, and no matter what life throws at you, hold onto your sobriety as though it’s the greatest treasure in your life, because in reality, it is!
Off to work, but I will check in this evening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 194
So indulge me while I do some rounds. I need to get back to into my groove here.
Zoey, so I love the volunteering and keeping busy keeps Zoey on the straight and narrow. It inspired me as did your list of all the reasons why you are better sober. I need to do mine because I will forget and I need that reminder. I thought of you on my trip. Based on your comment that restaurants are triggers and thinking of my trip I was thinking, ooooh, that might be hard. And then whiz bam, you canceled your trip! Way to prioritize your sobriety and know yourself there, lady. Protecting all those lovely sobriety perks. Is that okay? Do you feel good about it? If you can get away with it and you feel that was the right thing, I am so, so impressed. You will be so much stronger later. That would have been long and hard. Well done.
Red, is this a different cultural thing that you keep going to pubs? When you posted that you were having a hard time and next thing you were at a pub, I assumed that meant you slipped. That is an odd combo. I hope you are feeling stronger and glad you got through it, but oy vey you make me nervous.
JT, I wish I had seen your post about futility etc. earlier and had been there to be more supportive. I am glad you are feeling better. I am curious whether it is work related to some extent. I read your posts about what you are going through and it sounds like a lot of weight on your shoulders. I know you are a strong leader and business owner and it permeates your posts, but that doesn't make it easy. I am guessing this is not something that eases up in the near future?
Darkling, have I mentioned how even your name now stimulates calm in me. You always have this solid support and words that resonate with me. Anyhow, I am not a gym person. At all. I will say the streaming app DailyBurn is relatively cheap and has such a wide range. Simple mobility stuff and walking and yoga. Regardless, I am more focused on getting in touch with what my body can do and get healthier and stronger and some of those made me feel powerful inside and out.
QuitNow, you sound so good! I am so happy you told a friend. When I read your post I thought about how with more time we are seeing things more and more clearly and analytically. I am glad she was supportive and you took that step.
Mike, you sound great. I got a personal trainer that I use from time to time...but in private sessions in her private studio. I don't think for me it is so much a new routine. It is hard to change those (you guys may not know this, but changing habits is hard...shhhh). As someone who wasn't a gym person when I was younger, it is very strange culture to have tried to jump in now. And by the way, you sound stronger than when I left, well done.
Bekind, Tony had summed it up best about the most suitable name on SR. I love that.
Ayers, goodness when I read back here to catch up you are just so uplifting and spirited and so obviously rooting for everyone. I loved Naked Mind. For those of you in the UK, I love the expression about the penny dropping. It is an odd one, but it is all over...what is that, Alan Carr book Easy way to stop drinking. I listened to that audio book and he must say "the penny drops" a hundred times. Regardless, sounds like you are seeing very clearly the alcohol marketing piece.
Hills, sounds like you have a solid plan. Rock on. Mine was close this weekend. I missed. Good luck with the reunion and we will be here if you need a boost.
David, I love that you are posting more and that you jumped in when things were quiet to give back. I love your posts and your reservedness. I love the blend of personalities here. Nice to see you trucking along and glad it is going well.
Bonnie, yeah 60 days! See, that is a reason to keep track of milestones so that you can celebrate with a burger. You sound joyous.
Barbs, I am sure your son is amazing and this is such a joyous time in all of your lives. But three!? Isn't the first one what made you relapse or something back in the day or am I blending stories? Well, how great will it be to finish out the trifecta sober. I am thinking of something from classic literature, but can't get it, but it is something about three and parties. When is it? This weekend? Sorry, I can't tell.
Bob, glad you are enjoying atkins. I know sugar can be addicting. I am glad you feel good about your plan.
StartingOver, I am glad you are well and I agree that not only do I get more done, but I spend less time thinking about getting it done. Are you still enjoying your meetings and sponsor?
Alice, thanks for checking in. What a joyous post. Glad your kids are enjoying this as much as you are. Meant to say, I love your avatar. SweetP, you too. You are rocking it and also inspired by how you are sharing this with your husband and where you go from here. Beautiful.
Think I am sort of up to date. Sorry if I missed anyone and sorry for the threads I may have missed while I was gone. Glad to be back in the swing.
Zoey, so I love the volunteering and keeping busy keeps Zoey on the straight and narrow. It inspired me as did your list of all the reasons why you are better sober. I need to do mine because I will forget and I need that reminder. I thought of you on my trip. Based on your comment that restaurants are triggers and thinking of my trip I was thinking, ooooh, that might be hard. And then whiz bam, you canceled your trip! Way to prioritize your sobriety and know yourself there, lady. Protecting all those lovely sobriety perks. Is that okay? Do you feel good about it? If you can get away with it and you feel that was the right thing, I am so, so impressed. You will be so much stronger later. That would have been long and hard. Well done.
Red, is this a different cultural thing that you keep going to pubs? When you posted that you were having a hard time and next thing you were at a pub, I assumed that meant you slipped. That is an odd combo. I hope you are feeling stronger and glad you got through it, but oy vey you make me nervous.
JT, I wish I had seen your post about futility etc. earlier and had been there to be more supportive. I am glad you are feeling better. I am curious whether it is work related to some extent. I read your posts about what you are going through and it sounds like a lot of weight on your shoulders. I know you are a strong leader and business owner and it permeates your posts, but that doesn't make it easy. I am guessing this is not something that eases up in the near future?
Darkling, have I mentioned how even your name now stimulates calm in me. You always have this solid support and words that resonate with me. Anyhow, I am not a gym person. At all. I will say the streaming app DailyBurn is relatively cheap and has such a wide range. Simple mobility stuff and walking and yoga. Regardless, I am more focused on getting in touch with what my body can do and get healthier and stronger and some of those made me feel powerful inside and out.
QuitNow, you sound so good! I am so happy you told a friend. When I read your post I thought about how with more time we are seeing things more and more clearly and analytically. I am glad she was supportive and you took that step.
Mike, you sound great. I got a personal trainer that I use from time to time...but in private sessions in her private studio. I don't think for me it is so much a new routine. It is hard to change those (you guys may not know this, but changing habits is hard...shhhh). As someone who wasn't a gym person when I was younger, it is very strange culture to have tried to jump in now. And by the way, you sound stronger than when I left, well done.
Bekind, Tony had summed it up best about the most suitable name on SR. I love that.
Ayers, goodness when I read back here to catch up you are just so uplifting and spirited and so obviously rooting for everyone. I loved Naked Mind. For those of you in the UK, I love the expression about the penny dropping. It is an odd one, but it is all over...what is that, Alan Carr book Easy way to stop drinking. I listened to that audio book and he must say "the penny drops" a hundred times. Regardless, sounds like you are seeing very clearly the alcohol marketing piece.
Hills, sounds like you have a solid plan. Rock on. Mine was close this weekend. I missed. Good luck with the reunion and we will be here if you need a boost.
David, I love that you are posting more and that you jumped in when things were quiet to give back. I love your posts and your reservedness. I love the blend of personalities here. Nice to see you trucking along and glad it is going well.
Bonnie, yeah 60 days! See, that is a reason to keep track of milestones so that you can celebrate with a burger. You sound joyous.
Barbs, I am sure your son is amazing and this is such a joyous time in all of your lives. But three!? Isn't the first one what made you relapse or something back in the day or am I blending stories? Well, how great will it be to finish out the trifecta sober. I am thinking of something from classic literature, but can't get it, but it is something about three and parties. When is it? This weekend? Sorry, I can't tell.
Bob, glad you are enjoying atkins. I know sugar can be addicting. I am glad you feel good about your plan.
StartingOver, I am glad you are well and I agree that not only do I get more done, but I spend less time thinking about getting it done. Are you still enjoying your meetings and sponsor?
Alice, thanks for checking in. What a joyous post. Glad your kids are enjoying this as much as you are. Meant to say, I love your avatar. SweetP, you too. You are rocking it and also inspired by how you are sharing this with your husband and where you go from here. Beautiful.
Think I am sort of up to date. Sorry if I missed anyone and sorry for the threads I may have missed while I was gone. Glad to be back in the swing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 194
Odaat, I was just about to write you and there you are. Thanks so much for checking in. This waiting is crazy. I am sort of surprised you are just getting an antibiotic now, but glad they are doing something. Are you in much pain outside of mental anguish? Sweet one, take care and keep checking back. I'm thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 194
I was about to step away and thought I might say one more thing. Tony, I am feeling a little low which I put onto travel and work (big things came out of the blue and while positive, I need to rally big time).
So whether we are in similar places because of work or similar number of days, just thought I would share.
So whether we are in similar places because of work or similar number of days, just thought I would share.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Hi Suze,
I’m not sure if feeling so low was caused by work or not? I don’t tend to have any relationships in life where I’m not the leader. This isn’t a self appointed position (I don’t think?) it’s just the way it always seems to be.
Friends, work, wife and family. They all tend to look at me when a decision needs to be made or at the very least ratified. Sometimes I feel honoured that people seem to value my approval, ideas or counter arguments - sometimes I think it all piles on top of me. Sometimes I just want to curl up into the fetal position for someone to hug me and make ‘things’ go away.....
Anyhow....
I think I drink as something is missing from my life. Something big. Something nourishing. A purpose. My place of genuine serenity. I thought drinking stopped me finding what was missing. Now I find I’m nearly two months sober and whatever I’m looking for still isn’t here. Hence I used the word “futility”.
I’ll get over it. I don’t have a choice really do I?
JT
I’m not sure if feeling so low was caused by work or not? I don’t tend to have any relationships in life where I’m not the leader. This isn’t a self appointed position (I don’t think?) it’s just the way it always seems to be.
Friends, work, wife and family. They all tend to look at me when a decision needs to be made or at the very least ratified. Sometimes I feel honoured that people seem to value my approval, ideas or counter arguments - sometimes I think it all piles on top of me. Sometimes I just want to curl up into the fetal position for someone to hug me and make ‘things’ go away.....
Anyhow....
I think I drink as something is missing from my life. Something big. Something nourishing. A purpose. My place of genuine serenity. I thought drinking stopped me finding what was missing. Now I find I’m nearly two months sober and whatever I’m looking for still isn’t here. Hence I used the word “futility”.
I’ll get over it. I don’t have a choice really do I?
JT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Having spent quite a lot of time with alcoholics - dry and very, very wet - I think being philosophical is a common trait. I think very deeply and can’t find no satisfaction in normal stuff (work etc). I’m a bit wierd. Praise really doesn’t mean anything to me, nor does success, I find it hard to be motivated for stuff or money. But social injustice, i’d take home every person who needed help if I was allowed.
This makes for quite a morose person.
I love food and get a lot of pleasure there when I’m sober
I think it’s a strength of alchies but also a real weakness. We think, we reflect, we can see the absurdity of life. So why not get smashed hey?
Well, because it makes me really really miserable, not a little bit morose!
This makes for quite a morose person.
I love food and get a lot of pleasure there when I’m sober
I think it’s a strength of alchies but also a real weakness. We think, we reflect, we can see the absurdity of life. So why not get smashed hey?
Well, because it makes me really really miserable, not a little bit morose!
Sober Soldier
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,911
Good afternoon all.
Man this thread has progressed a lot since last night!
Ben don’t listen to the voice in your head. Any self-doubt is your AV talking. You are here and posting which is good. As long as you keep coming back the fight is never over. Keep trying.
Congrats matrac on 60 days and great job to everyone else racking up the sober days!
Zoey awesome work getting through a 5k. You definitelyhave the right attitude about going to the gym!
David good luck at the job interview.
Tony and Suze, sorry you guys have been feeling low. I hope you guys feel better soon. Hang in there.
Off to workout then meet with some clients.
Happy Friday everyone
Man this thread has progressed a lot since last night!
Ben don’t listen to the voice in your head. Any self-doubt is your AV talking. You are here and posting which is good. As long as you keep coming back the fight is never over. Keep trying.
Congrats matrac on 60 days and great job to everyone else racking up the sober days!
Zoey awesome work getting through a 5k. You definitelyhave the right attitude about going to the gym!
David good luck at the job interview.
Tony and Suze, sorry you guys have been feeling low. I hope you guys feel better soon. Hang in there.
Off to workout then meet with some clients.
Happy Friday everyone
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 697
lol, yes Suze, my son is amazing! My son and dil live in Seattle and thought it would be easier for them to travel to celebrate than to ask people to travel to Seattle. They had a very small wedding ceremony in Seattle with immediate family followed by a reception with close friends. Then on to MA to celebrate with the groom's family. Now off to Atlanta to celebrate with the bride's family. My memory is a bit fuzzy, but I believe Seattle is were I had my first slip after 4 or 5 months sober and of course it continued through most of July. But I'm done with that. After a bit of panic the other night, I'm feeling good about my plan 
Tony, I'm sorry you haven't found your purpose or serenity. I don't know your level of faith and I'm not one to preach, but I do find both purpose and serenity when I follow the Lord I hope you find yours soon
Ben, I'm not the deepest thinker, but I do know that drinking makes me really really miserable too!
Tony, I'm sorry you haven't found your purpose or serenity. I don't know your level of faith and I'm not one to preach, but I do find both purpose and serenity when I follow the Lord
I hope you find yours soon Ben, I'm not the deepest thinker, but I do know that drinking makes me really really miserable too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Originally Posted by Barbs 
Tony, I'm sorry you haven't found your purpose or serenity. I don't know your level of faith and I'm not one to preach, but I do find both purpose and serenity when I follow the Lord
I hope you find yours soon I respect the serenity that your faith brings you. I also respect any belief system that gives anyone comfort. Why wouldn't I?
Sadly I cannot find solace in this idea as the events of my life make it too difficult for me to do so.
I hope to find the calm and purpose I am looking for in some place though.
Best Regards,
Tony
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
I am so relieved to hear from you all. I hear so many of us in an existential quandary......so this must be part of the journey too.
Ben, please keep posting. I think Tony is right; its day 1 thoughts that I hear in your posts. They are in no way a reflection of the essence of you as a person. For me, it is best not to overthink things in the first week after a drinking episode. Thinking just draws me back to the pit. Simple experiences of expressing how I feel in a safe space (like here) has always proved most helpful and pulled out of the cycle once more. Take one minute at a time and please be gentle with your self.
ODAATCAT I am sorry you have to wait but hope the meds will help you feel better soon. Really glad you are here with us.
Tony, I do think some people are natural leaders. If you don't mind me saying I think that emerges here in our group too. Its a wonderful thing...I cant help but admire and respect you. At the same time I see that responsibility can end up being crushing. I wonder if you need a space where there are no expectations and someone else can take the lead for a change?
Suze, God I love your warm, generous posts. We are very lucky indeed to have you here.
Augustonians, may we all navigate safely through the weekend. And Red, I hope you got home safe and sound?
Ben, please keep posting. I think Tony is right; its day 1 thoughts that I hear in your posts. They are in no way a reflection of the essence of you as a person. For me, it is best not to overthink things in the first week after a drinking episode. Thinking just draws me back to the pit. Simple experiences of expressing how I feel in a safe space (like here) has always proved most helpful and pulled out of the cycle once more. Take one minute at a time and please be gentle with your self.
ODAATCAT I am sorry you have to wait but hope the meds will help you feel better soon. Really glad you are here with us.
Tony, I do think some people are natural leaders. If you don't mind me saying I think that emerges here in our group too. Its a wonderful thing...I cant help but admire and respect you. At the same time I see that responsibility can end up being crushing. I wonder if you need a space where there are no expectations and someone else can take the lead for a change?
Suze, God I love your warm, generous posts. We are very lucky indeed to have you here.
Augustonians, may we all navigate safely through the weekend. And Red, I hope you got home safe and sound?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Originally Posted by Ben123
Thanks for all of your support today. I’ve been on here a lot as you will see!
I feel slightly less anxious now and am hoping for sleep. Have a good evening
I feel slightly less anxious now and am hoping for sleep. Have a good evening
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,012
Ben, I hope some sleep gives you a new lease for tomorrow. It sounds like it has been rough for the last week or so. Keep at it.
I'm hacking through my day. I'm dog sitting which is nice as it gets me out a bit more when I normally wouldn't be getting out. Also had a meeting with hospice about my mom who has Alzheimers. She should not have survived this year and inspite of the disease, I still feel lucky to have her. She still smiles and snuggles. She specially likes being with my Dad.
I always start slowing down in the afternoon. A friend calls it the four o'clock fall-aparts. I usually start falling apart earlier. To keep it at bay I'm off to do some little tasks, like floss, throw out some mail and pick up a prescription.
Carrying the torch here with as much courage as I can.
I'm hacking through my day. I'm dog sitting which is nice as it gets me out a bit more when I normally wouldn't be getting out. Also had a meeting with hospice about my mom who has Alzheimers. She should not have survived this year and inspite of the disease, I still feel lucky to have her. She still smiles and snuggles. She specially likes being with my Dad.
I always start slowing down in the afternoon. A friend calls it the four o'clock fall-aparts. I usually start falling apart earlier. To keep it at bay I'm off to do some little tasks, like floss, throw out some mail and pick up a prescription.
Carrying the torch here with as much courage as I can.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 194
JT, your words resonate with me. I can’t post much now, but I’m heartened to know that. Maybe it will be interesting to see where this leads. Just wanted to share before your morning ritual. More tomorrow.
Torch passed.
Torch passed.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: nj
Posts: 470
Ben,
I may have 60 days under my belt, but it is still not easy. I sometimes feel like I’m walking on a chalk line that I’ve drawn for myself and it would be so much easier to say, “the heck with this”. This past week, I had 3 episodes where I really wanted to have a glass of wine. Once or twice I had to walk outside to get the thought off my mind.
I sometimes wonder, “how can I keep this up? “, I wonder if I’m strong enough to be sober from here on out. I really dont know the answer to that, but at the moment I’m doing it. I spent years drinking and it’ll take a long time to learn to live without drinking....I’m taking that into consideration.
If you dont mind my saying so, you really do seem depressed. Not being able to experience joy is a hallmark of depression. I hope that you are taking care of the whole you so that you can feel or experience happiness and perhaps that will help you remain sober.
Hang in there!
I may have 60 days under my belt, but it is still not easy. I sometimes feel like I’m walking on a chalk line that I’ve drawn for myself and it would be so much easier to say, “the heck with this”. This past week, I had 3 episodes where I really wanted to have a glass of wine. Once or twice I had to walk outside to get the thought off my mind.
I sometimes wonder, “how can I keep this up? “, I wonder if I’m strong enough to be sober from here on out. I really dont know the answer to that, but at the moment I’m doing it. I spent years drinking and it’ll take a long time to learn to live without drinking....I’m taking that into consideration.
If you dont mind my saying so, you really do seem depressed. Not being able to experience joy is a hallmark of depression. I hope that you are taking care of the whole you so that you can feel or experience happiness and perhaps that will help you remain sober.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: nj
Posts: 470
Be kind....I do the same thing.
I Start with a little task that makes a difference.... Ex. Take a laundry basket and pick up 5 things in your room that are not where they should be and put them in the basket....room looks better already! Collect 5-10 pieces of old clothing, put them in a bag....closet is better! Text a short hello to mom. Clean out your wallet or purse. Pull a few weeds. Pay someone a compliment.
Quick chores that distract you from those fleeting thoughts and give you a sense of accomplishment without wearing you out or taking too much time.
I Start with a little task that makes a difference.... Ex. Take a laundry basket and pick up 5 things in your room that are not where they should be and put them in the basket....room looks better already! Collect 5-10 pieces of old clothing, put them in a bag....closet is better! Text a short hello to mom. Clean out your wallet or purse. Pull a few weeds. Pay someone a compliment.
Quick chores that distract you from those fleeting thoughts and give you a sense of accomplishment without wearing you out or taking too much time.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,012
Well all headed to bed and passing the torch.
Hope you all down under are waking up to a nice spring Saturday.
Matrak, I feel this so profoundly >>>>"I sometimes wonder, “how can I keep this up? “, I wonder if I’m strong enough to be sober from here on out. I really dont know the answer to that, but at the moment I’m doing it." I suppose we just keep moving through the day and address as many of our short comings as possible.
Where ever you are in this journey: Day 50 or Day 1, I think we are all pretty much on the same page of the struggle.
Hope you all down under are waking up to a nice spring Saturday.
Matrak, I feel this so profoundly >>>>"I sometimes wonder, “how can I keep this up? “, I wonder if I’m strong enough to be sober from here on out. I really dont know the answer to that, but at the moment I’m doing it." I suppose we just keep moving through the day and address as many of our short comings as possible.
Where ever you are in this journey: Day 50 or Day 1, I think we are all pretty much on the same page of the struggle.
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