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Class of August 2018 Part 5

Old 09-21-2018, 12:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Ben123 View Post
Basically I’m a compete ****. That will be edited but I know no other word that captures my behaviour.

I’ve blacked out every day. Different to before, I can’t remember anything. Scary, I know one night at least I said unforgivable things to my SO. Because she told me the next day, I had to agree as I couldn’t remember a thing. I’m not sure I can do this, maybe I’m just destined to an early and miserable grave. But I’ve got to keep trying. I’m exhausted and depressed and (I won’t do this so don’t worry!) feel like suicide would be the best move for all concerned. I’m too stubborn for that.

Poor old me!!!!!!!!!
Ben - if you can be bothered you can search posts when I’m just starting again. I post almost exactly the same emotions.

It’s the drink/hangover talking. The person you’re representing on Day 1 isn’t the real you.

JT
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Old 09-21-2018, 12:08 AM
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What’s this about day 1? I don’t count days 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Yes I know, the guilt and shame are almost unbearable. That’s why it’s so hard to come on here - at 10, 20 even 50 days it’s a virtuous cycle of feeling better and more confident. That goes in a heart beat and the opposite kicks in, thus the temptation to compound it every day by getting blindo

I’ll get thru today and then see where I am
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Old 09-21-2018, 12:16 AM
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Good morning Everyone,

I am up and getting prepared to go to a job interview. I’m looking forward to it.
I’m now just over 6 weeks sober and it has been suprisingly easy. I think that’s because I have other bigger challenges in my life and being sober has made it easier to deal with them, although it has also meant I have had to face up to my real feelings. My internal state is much steadier than when I was drinking by I still experience the highs and lows. They are not as high and low though.
I am wary of when I have my other issues sorted. My drinking has been driven by two things. Firstly boredom but it was always a reward. I would get to Friday afternoon and drink through the weekend and then begin the cycle again. In my family things were celebrated with alcohol. Birthdays, new jobs, you get the picture. No more though.
I think I am coming out of my few weeks of intense introspection so feel like I want to post more so I am.
Take care and have a great sober day!
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Old 09-21-2018, 12:25 AM
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Hi all ,

Quick check-in . Running to get things packed for my daughter - son is going to visit her. He's upset because I'm filling his car with plants, hanging baskets, hosepipes and other stuff sneaked in.

Will post later, but Red, please hang in there - do take it a minute at a time if you have to - I knowwwww ..... it's hard . But you can do this ! You WANT to do this !!! Hang on.

Good luck , David !!!!

Speak later.
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Old 09-21-2018, 12:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Ayers View Post
Hi all ,

Quick check-in . Running to get things packed for my daughter - son is going to visit her. He's upset because I'm filling his car with plants, hanging baskets, hosepipes and other stuff sneaked in.

Will post later, but Red, please hang in there - do take it a minute at a time if you have to - I knowwwww ..... it's hard . But you can do this ! You WANT to do this !!! Hang on.

Good luck , David !!!!

Speak later.
Thanks Ayers
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Old 09-21-2018, 01:32 AM
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You aren't useless, Ben. You're giving all of us -- and yourself -- a useful reminder of why we've made the choice to stop. I look forward to reading your reflections tomorrow, and I hope you're doing ok today. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm here and well. I love being sober. Even the thought of drinking makes my stomach turn. I really, really hope it stays that way. And it's great that my children are so supportive and encouraging. I have so much to be grateful for.

Not a lot to say today. Hugs to those who are having a rough time this week. Don't cave in to the AV. You'll feel so much regret if you do. It just isn't worth it.
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Old 09-21-2018, 02:05 AM
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I'm at the pub, been at the pub for 3 hours. Was the countdown for the Rock radio station, top 1500 songs, kinda like top 100 triple J in aussie.. Heaps of people.. With my partner and step son. I'm OK, playing pool now, sugared out on soft drink...
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Old 09-21-2018, 02:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Red78 View Post
I'm at the pub, been at the pub for 3 hours. Was the countdown for the Rock radio station, top 1500 songs, kinda like top 100 triple J in aussie.. Heaps of people.. With my partner and step son. I'm OK, playing pool now, sugared out on soft drink...
Awesome job.

Well done Red. Keep the faith. You'll feel so proud of yourself tomorrow.
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Old 09-21-2018, 02:15 AM
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Good luck with the interview David.

Thanks for updating Alice.
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Old 09-21-2018, 02:33 AM
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Originally Posted by JustTony View Post
Awesome job.

Well done Red. Keep the faith. You'll feel so proud of yourself tomorrow.
Thanks JT, it's not over yet though, I have to deal with a drunk partner and boy can he be a pain when drunk.. I wonder how people put up with it..
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Old 09-21-2018, 02:36 AM
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Hi Red - I know you watched the All Blacks in the pub a week or two back and now you’re in there for this event too. Please stay strong though - I wish you didn’t put yourself through such difficult scenarios but I know life has to go on.

JT
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Old 09-21-2018, 02:42 AM
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Ugh. So sorry, Red. Hope you're ok.
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Old 09-21-2018, 02:46 AM
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I'm wondering if any of you have any knowledge about kava tea. My daughter made a new friend who took her out to a kava bar recently. I'd never heard of such a thing before, but apparently, Kava is a very relaxing tea and an anti-anxiety remedy. There's a kava bar near my home, and I'm thinking of giving it a try.
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Old 09-21-2018, 02:50 AM
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I'm not sure whats in Kava tea or in what quantities Alice but the Kava root itself, as used in by indigenous people in the the Pacific, is an intoxicant, so I'd at least read the label beforehand, maybe Google a bit.

D
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Old 09-21-2018, 03:12 AM
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Hmm... ok. Looks like it's controversial. On the positive side, it is reputedly helpful for people in the early days of withdrawal as it has pain-relieving, anti-anxiety and sleep-promoting properties, but on the negative side its intoxicating properties might bring up memories of drinking making one more likely to relapse. I think I will give it a try and report back.
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Old 09-21-2018, 03:25 AM
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I'm with Dee, it's an intoxicant as far as I'm aware. Unless the tea is different to kava kava that everyone tries when they go to the islands..
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Old 09-21-2018, 03:29 AM
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Ben, I'm only on day 25, so not the one to give real advice. I completely identify with your comment "This truly is a baffling affliction." I can list 25 reasons why drinking is bad, how much better I feel sober, how much kinder I am to my husband, etc., but then pick up a drink without blinking an eye. I'm a strong-willed person, but wrestle every single day with this AV. I've never experienced anything so difficult to control in my life. And like you, I live with this constant fear/knowledge that I'm going to fail and drink.

But I check in with RS twice every single day. I read every post, and try to gain some inspiration. For now it's my AA, although I'm fairly sure that for me to make it long-term I'm eventually going to need to also join a local support group like AA.

I hated going back to Day 1 when I slipped in August. But I'm here, chipping away at the hold alcohol has on my life, avoiding triggers and celebrating that great morning feeling sober. The cravings have eased up (happened around Day 14 for me), and some evenings -- 5 p.m. is my witching hour with booze -- I haven't had a craving at all! Like Hills, I have these unexpected moments of joy that I haven't felt in a long time.

So that's my long-winded way of saying please hang in there, please keep checking in here, please keep us posted even if you slip a little bit. We have the same alcohol demons you do, and we're fighting them right along with you. We have our good days and our bad days. We'll lean on you when we slip; you lean on us now.

JT, fingers crossed you're feeling a little bit better. And if not today, hang in there until tomorrow. Mike made me laugh yesterday applauding you for doing leg workouts on a bad day 'cause they're bad even on a good day!

Me, I canceled my business trip because I worried I'd slip on booze. It's a big drinking event, 5 days, tremendous pressure from business associates to party. I might be strong enough, but just don't want to risk it right now. Sobriety is too important.

Good luck this weekend, everyone. Lots of triggers, but we're amazing. My plan is to breathe deep, read, hike with dogs, and go hear music. Hang in there, Augustonians!
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Old 09-21-2018, 03:56 AM
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Thanks, I am going to hang in there. The really annoying thing is I wasn’t having cravings and the AV had gone pretty much (after about three weeks). I was healthy and happy.

Oh ok I’m going to vent

It’s just such a ******* **** up. I wish I could rip my brain out of my head and stamp on it, with various other internal organs. I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want my life to be like this. I’m not sure it’s possible for me not to drink as I’ve never spent any of my adult life sober. What a way to live, to bring up kids, to be a human. Aghhhhhh fuckety **** **** **** ****

I can’t fast forward this process I know, but I’m just so cross and disappointed I feel like weeping.

At least I’m being a good ‘cautionary tale’!!! Maybe that’s my role in life.

I’m in bed today, it’s my safest of safe spaces and unfortunately I don’t trust myself to go anywhere and not drink. That’s so pathetic
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Old 09-21-2018, 04:55 AM
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Good morning all. Day 37 here.

Ben-I am saddened to hear of the pain you are going through. We've all been there. Maybe this can be your growth experience that allows you to move on permanently. I'm with Alice in thanks to you for sharing your experience so we can all remember how bad this disease is that we are fighting.

Zoey-Congrats on day 25.
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Old 09-21-2018, 05:05 AM
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Matrac – 60 days is amazing. Congratulations!

Startingover and hills congratulations on your days too. Hills glad you have a plan for the weekend.

Red, Well done!

Hi Dee

Ben, I know how frustrating it is starting back at square one. But this time you have all the lessons from the past and all of us for support. Thank you for sharing.

David, congratulations on six weeks sober! Good luck with the job interview. I’m glad you’re posting more

Hi Alice. Good to see you and glad you’re doing well.

Zoey, congratulations on 25 days. I’m so glad you cancelled your business trip. I wish I could cancel a few upcoming events, but I am determined to enjoy both of them and be sober

Hi Bob. 37 days, you're doing great!

I'm feeling really good today. Went to the gym this morning. I am running some last minute errands/cleaning today and looking forward to seeing my son and dil tomorrow
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