24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 405
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,345
Kev, how awful. I’m wondering what your reaction to these naive people is to their face, and are you considering the source?
What I mean is, sometimes our reactions will help others know that we are defining how you will allow yourself to be treated.
If the comments are is so ludicrous like in this case, sometimes the best reaction is a puzzled look on your face, with a “what?!” Then they repeat their I’ll-conceived advice without any substance . And you say, “what?!“ It usually means ‘mind your own and keep it to your self, I didn’t ask’. Works well with controlling people when they try to define you .
Secondly, look at the source. Are these people… People that have worked on themselves? Are these people respectable, people that you admire in your life? From your post doesn’t sound like it .
Don’t let information from a terrible source take rent space in your head if you can help it
Much love,
What I mean is, sometimes our reactions will help others know that we are defining how you will allow yourself to be treated.
If the comments are is so ludicrous like in this case, sometimes the best reaction is a puzzled look on your face, with a “what?!” Then they repeat their I’ll-conceived advice without any substance . And you say, “what?!“ It usually means ‘mind your own and keep it to your self, I didn’t ask’. Works well with controlling people when they try to define you .
Secondly, look at the source. Are these people… People that have worked on themselves? Are these people respectable, people that you admire in your life? From your post doesn’t sound like it .
Don’t let information from a terrible source take rent space in your head if you can help it
Much love,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: yorkshire UK
Posts: 879
Morning all. Its just after 9am here in the UK. Please count me in for another 24 hours sober and clean. Congratulations to those celebrating a milestone, my thoughts and prayers go out to those suffering and struggling.
Venus 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Good morning all. Absolutely shattered after a bad night with Mabel. It got me a little anxiety-ridden in the night but all will be well when she gets used to things I'm sure. I have decided that on the days I am working and so is my partner that I will just work mornings and then work from home in the afternoon. At least until she is a little older. If I decide now it will take some worry away so that's what I will do.
Hannah has her counselling service calling her this afternoon so hopefully she can have a good talk and start gaining confidence before college starts next month.
Lots of love to you all and 24 more please xxxxxxxxxxxx
Hannah has her counselling service calling her this afternoon so hopefully she can have a good talk and start gaining confidence before college starts next month.
Lots of love to you all and 24 more please xxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Originally Posted by Plenny 
Thank you I welcome all outside perspective here. I have been really understanding and supportive and I haven't seen much in the way of change. I am planning on moving in for a variety of reasons, my apartment is moldy and floods, and his place is very inexpensive and we would both have studio space. We would be able to see how we function together, and I would be able to save a lot of money and I could afford to have a car. We have wanted to be together for a long time, just to be able to grocery shop and cook and be in the same place would be wonderful. There's this issue of his employment and motivation that's really killing me
I think those are huge issues though and I'm not sure they make up for the idea of wanting to live together for financial reasons. It's a very big decision to choose to live with someone- if things don't work out, it gets very, very messy. I've had to move out of living with boyfriends many times when I was younger and it is not a good experience.
I think if you are in doubt and looking for outside opinions, there is a reason for that. I think deep down you know that he is not the one for you.
I wasted 5 years of my life with someone like this- someone I knew wasn't good for me. I hope you can avoid that type of pain even though in the end I do believe we all have to learn our own lessons.
You deserve better. That's what I can see from over here. And I don't think he truly makes you happy.
Sending you hugs and clarity through all of these clouds. You will know the right thing to do when the time comes. Trust your instincts (not your head or logic). They are always right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Originally Posted by zeppodog
So damned tired and still feel a bit shaky, if I get some more sleep should feel better tomorrow. Actually worked out for an hour this afternoon, thought I was going to have a stroke! but not working out for most of a week and drinking takes a lot out of a guy my age, back on the exercise program maybe get in a gym where I can be around people, at work I have my own work space so don't have interaction with the few other people much, if I'm going to be living alone need to find some activities where I can at least be around people even if I don't talk to them, used to really be into martial arts maybe start that again, sure didn't drink to excess when I was going to a dojo 5 nights a week. Well night one and all.
I hope you feel even a little bit more energetic today..you are really doing this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 4,047
Signing up for 24 hours drink and drug free. 7:04am in Jacksonville, Florida!!
Congratulations to all those celebrating milestones today!!
Including ME!! Celebrating 11 years today. I am very grateful for my life.
Congratulations to all those celebrating milestones today!!
Including ME!! Celebrating 11 years today. I am very grateful for my life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Originally Posted by Plenny
Thank you Suze, Kev, Free, I know there were others who gave me so much support and advice as well. I’m not keeping my list of names but you’ve helped me. You’ve said such kind things. I battle constantly with if I’m doing the right thing or not.
I was true in my resolve to give DJTM a piece of my mind this morning. I was calm but I was venomous, I can be that way. I got to him today. He beat himself up about it. He drank. I knew he would drink. He has been trying to moderate. It’s hard to watch, as someone who understands. But he went further today and bought a small flask of whiskey, which is never a good sign. I know all of this because he called me to tell me that he had a bad day and to admit all of this. Apparently he tried to fix up a lot of things around his house, and drank and was manic for a while, then crashed and became depressed. Tried to convince himself to not drink more, but could not fight it and had what he calls an attack. He sounded vulnerable and scared so I went to his house. I’ve never seen him quite like this. I’m sober and seeing him and he’s opening up and it seems very painful.
He talked about his attack. He apologized for not being there for me and about how difficult it is for him to say things and express himself, and his anxiety. He was so sorry for not being there for me when I needed him. He started to talk about his mother and her alcoholism. How absent she was in lots of ways and how he thinks it affected him. He felt guilty that I was by his side when he could not do the same for me. He talked about what a miracle it was that she got sober and he knows he needs to do the same thing and how much alike they are.
His struggle tonight was relatable to me, certainly, but I’m here writing about it not only to give an update but also because it made me think of Nick and Zepp and anyone in a relationship who is struggling. And it really made me feel like I can’t leave this person who needs love and support just as I needed love and support. There has to be a place in this world for those of us who are broken and trying first to see the light and straining to find the pieces to put back together or just TOGETHER. Because I think there’s so much that was never intact to begin with.
He told me he’s never been able to talk. His breathing tightened even as he described this to me. He told me he needs to talk but kept saying he can’t. Even thinking about taking him to a meeting or therapy seems like climbing Mount Everest. I have said it before and I will say it again. The patriarchy has cheated men out of their right to feel and talk. Just as it’s pigeon holed women in so many ways. But I’m addressing this subject because I see how hard it is just to open up when that is the very thing that will save you. It is not easy. I am really proud of all of you here and in the rooms who are at any stage of opening up. Even the stage of being terrified to spill the pieces out.
Sorry for yet another long post and thank you Suze for addressing that we didn’t really used to do this on this thread, I’ve often felt self-conscious and wondered if I’m putting out too much on the 24 hour or if it’s ok.... I have been helped immensely by this thread and I hope it IS ok because seeing all of your stories and having solidarity with you is truly magical.
I promise one of these days I will lighten up a little. I just keep having epiphanies
I was true in my resolve to give DJTM a piece of my mind this morning. I was calm but I was venomous, I can be that way. I got to him today. He beat himself up about it. He drank. I knew he would drink. He has been trying to moderate. It’s hard to watch, as someone who understands. But he went further today and bought a small flask of whiskey, which is never a good sign. I know all of this because he called me to tell me that he had a bad day and to admit all of this. Apparently he tried to fix up a lot of things around his house, and drank and was manic for a while, then crashed and became depressed. Tried to convince himself to not drink more, but could not fight it and had what he calls an attack. He sounded vulnerable and scared so I went to his house. I’ve never seen him quite like this. I’m sober and seeing him and he’s opening up and it seems very painful.
He talked about his attack. He apologized for not being there for me and about how difficult it is for him to say things and express himself, and his anxiety. He was so sorry for not being there for me when I needed him. He started to talk about his mother and her alcoholism. How absent she was in lots of ways and how he thinks it affected him. He felt guilty that I was by his side when he could not do the same for me. He talked about what a miracle it was that she got sober and he knows he needs to do the same thing and how much alike they are.
His struggle tonight was relatable to me, certainly, but I’m here writing about it not only to give an update but also because it made me think of Nick and Zepp and anyone in a relationship who is struggling. And it really made me feel like I can’t leave this person who needs love and support just as I needed love and support. There has to be a place in this world for those of us who are broken and trying first to see the light and straining to find the pieces to put back together or just TOGETHER. Because I think there’s so much that was never intact to begin with.
He told me he’s never been able to talk. His breathing tightened even as he described this to me. He told me he needs to talk but kept saying he can’t. Even thinking about taking him to a meeting or therapy seems like climbing Mount Everest. I have said it before and I will say it again. The patriarchy has cheated men out of their right to feel and talk. Just as it’s pigeon holed women in so many ways. But I’m addressing this subject because I see how hard it is just to open up when that is the very thing that will save you. It is not easy. I am really proud of all of you here and in the rooms who are at any stage of opening up. Even the stage of being terrified to spill the pieces out.
Sorry for yet another long post and thank you Suze for addressing that we didn’t really used to do this on this thread, I’ve often felt self-conscious and wondered if I’m putting out too much on the 24 hour or if it’s ok.... I have been helped immensely by this thread and I hope it IS ok because seeing all of your stories and having solidarity with you is truly magical.
I promise one of these days I will lighten up a little. I just keep having epiphanies
I love how much you share and am glad you can be open and honest here. I have done the same thing, many times- feel like I am sharing too much but now that I reflect back on it I don't take back a single word. We are here to help and support each other- where else can you find that?
I'm sorry he is struggling and I am glad you could be there for him yesterday. I have said before that my marriage is the perfect example of 2 people who have been to hell and back. We met as drunks, had some really bad years as drunks and are now both sober. Marriage and 2 kids kept us together. I think had we simply been a couple I would have easily walked out on him years ago, before the miracle happened.
I think you can choose to stay with him knowing this is not going to be easy- In fact, watching him get sober, grow, learn about himself will most likely be the hardest thing and relationship you will ever go through. Or you can love him from a distance and agree to save a space for each other once you have both healed and once he has some sobriety under his belt. I think if you decide to stay with him you have to do so knowing that this may not "be it" for him in terms of sobriety. It's a risk you would be willing to take. And you would also go into it knowing that if he if he does get sober, this first year is going to be very, very challenging for both of you.
This is all my perspective, of course. I just want to see you happy and healthy and with someone who is healthy as well. But I understand the need and desire to support and love him, especially coming from a place where that's all we ever wanted in the first place ourselves.
My heart goes out to you...I can send you Reiki later on if you accept, with the intention of gaining clarity on all of this..
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