24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 405
Suze, darling girl I am sorry to have to tell you this, but I have a serious case of impatiens envy They are stunning, simply stunning. Much Love
I woke up feeling like I've had a demon exorcised...
Let me tell y'all a story... When I was 20 I graduated from college and headed off to graduate school. I was bright-eyed and full of the future, and what's more I was a badass. I was going to the best school in the country for graduate school and I had a fantastic career ahead of me... and I *did not* drink. ever. On the way I met a girl and during the summer between college and grad school we got married...
...and then I have a big blank spot in my memory....
...and then four years later I had failed at school, gotten a divorce, and was a raging alcoholic.
I have lived under an immense weight since then. I didn't have any solid memory of what happened. I had fleeting memories... I blamed her for everything. I even blamed her for "forcing" me to become an alcoholic.
I built a fantasy picture of what happened in my mind and I convinced myself of it. I told everyone my fantasy version of events and got plenty of sympathy, but even though I had convinced myself of the story I didn't really believe it, and over time the shame over whatever it was that I had done (that I couldn't remember) and the lies I told to cover it up grew. They became the core feature of my life. I was constantly defensive, constantly fearful. I was completely afraid to make a mistake of any sort. I continued to twist reality to keep myself from having to deal with any consequences. I alienated a lot of people and kept myself in a state of constant fearful misery.
I knew I had to clear this out. I told my first sponsor I needed to delve into what happened in my early 20s. I couldn't remember it but I knew it was bad and I needed to get rid of it. He encouraged me to worry about it later. He had heard my stories and was convinced my ex wife was just a bad person. He believed my victim crap.
Yesterday Suze and I addressed it. With her holding my hand I called my ex wife on the phone. I haven't talked to her (except for one very short and bizarre phone call a decade ago) since the divorce.
And.... now I know what happened. Maybe my 20-something-year-old mind couldn't deal with it. My 43-year-old mind can. The bad things that happened weren't *nearly* as bad as I imagined they were. And yep, I completely messed up my doctorate and I can now lay that entirely at the feet of my drinking. And I no longer have any other-people-blaming fantasies about how I got started drinking.
Yesterday was a long, difficult day. I went to bed exhausted. I knew I felt different but I was too mentally tired to fully understand it.
This morning, however.... wow....
I feel like I am 20 years old again with the world in front of me. The fear is gone. The shame is gone. Heh, I don't even feel like regretting my behavior for the last 23 years. I am just free.
Let me tell y'all a story... When I was 20 I graduated from college and headed off to graduate school. I was bright-eyed and full of the future, and what's more I was a badass. I was going to the best school in the country for graduate school and I had a fantastic career ahead of me... and I *did not* drink. ever. On the way I met a girl and during the summer between college and grad school we got married...
...and then I have a big blank spot in my memory....
...and then four years later I had failed at school, gotten a divorce, and was a raging alcoholic.
I have lived under an immense weight since then. I didn't have any solid memory of what happened. I had fleeting memories... I blamed her for everything. I even blamed her for "forcing" me to become an alcoholic.
I built a fantasy picture of what happened in my mind and I convinced myself of it. I told everyone my fantasy version of events and got plenty of sympathy, but even though I had convinced myself of the story I didn't really believe it, and over time the shame over whatever it was that I had done (that I couldn't remember) and the lies I told to cover it up grew. They became the core feature of my life. I was constantly defensive, constantly fearful. I was completely afraid to make a mistake of any sort. I continued to twist reality to keep myself from having to deal with any consequences. I alienated a lot of people and kept myself in a state of constant fearful misery.
I knew I had to clear this out. I told my first sponsor I needed to delve into what happened in my early 20s. I couldn't remember it but I knew it was bad and I needed to get rid of it. He encouraged me to worry about it later. He had heard my stories and was convinced my ex wife was just a bad person. He believed my victim crap.
Yesterday Suze and I addressed it. With her holding my hand I called my ex wife on the phone. I haven't talked to her (except for one very short and bizarre phone call a decade ago) since the divorce.
And.... now I know what happened. Maybe my 20-something-year-old mind couldn't deal with it. My 43-year-old mind can. The bad things that happened weren't *nearly* as bad as I imagined they were. And yep, I completely messed up my doctorate and I can now lay that entirely at the feet of my drinking. And I no longer have any other-people-blaming fantasies about how I got started drinking.
Yesterday was a long, difficult day. I went to bed exhausted. I knew I felt different but I was too mentally tired to fully understand it.
This morning, however.... wow....
I feel like I am 20 years old again with the world in front of me. The fear is gone. The shame is gone. Heh, I don't even feel like regretting my behavior for the last 23 years. I am just free.
How simply uplifting your post is Nick. Happy,Joyous & Free no better place to be.
I simply must have another 24 please & thank you.
Had a bit of gloomy cloud following me today, but I guess after a lovely weekend it's maybe normal. Anyway no intentions to drink. My head will be hitting a pillow sometime soon and I'm grateful it's going to be a sober head.
Congratulations Milestoners and Much Love 24'ers, Thank you for being here for me.
Had a bit of gloomy cloud following me today, but I guess after a lovely weekend it's maybe normal. Anyway no intentions to drink. My head will be hitting a pillow sometime soon and I'm grateful it's going to be a sober head.
Congratulations Milestoners and Much Love 24'ers, Thank you for being here for me.
24 More Please!!!!
Not sure if we can get through 36 y/o stepdaughter living with us. One week today. No job, no money, no car, no furnishings, no cookware, no credit.....yet she started looking at 3 bedroom rentals to try and move into. Not sure how she expects to pay rent, utilities, food and transportation????
She doesn’t seem too on board with sobriety and drug free living.
Must not like our rules. She ‘joked’ about putting Arsenic in our food last night. Ha Ha! I think it’s TOO SOON for those jokes considering her past. So, if I croak someone tell the police it was poisoning!
Oh.....it’s a 3 bedroom because she thinks she will just go get 2 of her kids she abandoned and move them in with her when she can’t even take care of herself. Lord help us......
Not sure if we can get through 36 y/o stepdaughter living with us. One week today. No job, no money, no car, no furnishings, no cookware, no credit.....yet she started looking at 3 bedroom rentals to try and move into. Not sure how she expects to pay rent, utilities, food and transportation????
She doesn’t seem too on board with sobriety and drug free living.
Must not like our rules. She ‘joked’ about putting Arsenic in our food last night. Ha Ha! I think it’s TOO SOON for those jokes considering her past. So, if I croak someone tell the police it was poisoning!
Oh.....it’s a 3 bedroom because she thinks she will just go get 2 of her kids she abandoned and move them in with her when she can’t even take care of herself. Lord help us......
Sending you huge hugs to take to bed with you Sweetpea...I know you are an AA girl so just remember what we learn....for some reason we alcoholics have an expectation of sunshine and roses when sometimes you just get lemons. ♥♥
EDIT: But if you plant super-impatiens (I will get you the proper name) you get massive beautiful flowers that stun the neighbourhood....so there's that.
EDIT: But if you plant super-impatiens (I will get you the proper name) you get massive beautiful flowers that stun the neighbourhood....so there's that.
Good evening all.
24 more hours of sobriety gratefully banked today. Shattered tonight I hope little Mabel settles down soon it's rotten when they howl on those first few nights. She is an absolute joy bless her. Night night all ❤❤❤
24 more hours of sobriety gratefully banked today. Shattered tonight I hope little Mabel settles down soon it's rotten when they howl on those first few nights. She is an absolute joy bless her. Night night all ❤❤❤
I hope she settles down love. ♥
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
I have to just rant about something for a bit:
First I was told for ages that I am selfish and controlling, that this is who I am as an alcoholic and that I need to work on being more understanding and all that. That I am the cause of my problems and that I need to work on myself.
Now I get told that I am codependent and need to work on myself again, again I am the cause of my problem!
I am so sick of hearing this right now. I had ONE messed up relationship with a dry drunk who has never done any work on himself. Other than that I don't have any issues with other people. At least nothing that goes beyond normal disagreements and stuff like that. Still all of a sudden everyone is convinced that I need to work on myself (which I have done a lot in the past 2 years, therapy and AA plus endless self help books). Well actually not everyone. All my non-AA-friends and my family thinks there's nothing wrong with me.
But I am just so tired of hearing that my relationship failed or that the reason why I tried to make it work for 2 years must be that there's something wrong with me I need to work on. It's always me who needs to improve, get better,... I just can't hear it anymore! I don't feel like there's that much wrong with me to be honest. Maybe this makes me ignorant, maybe I am putting myself on a high horse. But I am tired of getting handed the "crazy / troubled" card.
I am not perfect, no. But why do so many people think it must've been me? Why is it so unlikely that it was my ex who's just not able to have a relationship (he has a track record of unstable and short relationships and the one he had with me was much longer than any other one he had in the past 15 years or so)? I know it takes always 2 but I think for me the work that needed to be done was to finally see through his patterns and then let go of it. And to make sure I will recognise the red flags the next time which I am sure I will. I was just too young, inexperienced and naive to really see them then or to know what they mean.
(RANT OVER)
First I was told for ages that I am selfish and controlling, that this is who I am as an alcoholic and that I need to work on being more understanding and all that. That I am the cause of my problems and that I need to work on myself.
Now I get told that I am codependent and need to work on myself again, again I am the cause of my problem!
I am so sick of hearing this right now. I had ONE messed up relationship with a dry drunk who has never done any work on himself. Other than that I don't have any issues with other people. At least nothing that goes beyond normal disagreements and stuff like that. Still all of a sudden everyone is convinced that I need to work on myself (which I have done a lot in the past 2 years, therapy and AA plus endless self help books). Well actually not everyone. All my non-AA-friends and my family thinks there's nothing wrong with me.
But I am just so tired of hearing that my relationship failed or that the reason why I tried to make it work for 2 years must be that there's something wrong with me I need to work on. It's always me who needs to improve, get better,... I just can't hear it anymore! I don't feel like there's that much wrong with me to be honest. Maybe this makes me ignorant, maybe I am putting myself on a high horse. But I am tired of getting handed the "crazy / troubled" card.
I am not perfect, no. But why do so many people think it must've been me? Why is it so unlikely that it was my ex who's just not able to have a relationship (he has a track record of unstable and short relationships and the one he had with me was much longer than any other one he had in the past 15 years or so)? I know it takes always 2 but I think for me the work that needed to be done was to finally see through his patterns and then let go of it. And to make sure I will recognise the red flags the next time which I am sure I will. I was just too young, inexperienced and naive to really see them then or to know what they mean.
(RANT OVER)
This morning I suggested for the last time that it is time to get a job. It is really hard for me to be with someone who isn’t somewhat equal to me in employment. I’m not filthy rich, I’m poverty level to sub middle class and I work full time. I can’t be with someone with such low drive that he is below me, because the only thing below me is freeloading lazy broke guy. I’m not in the market for that
It’s just not that simple to boil down someone’s character to that one aspect, I know, but it is a big one for me
It’s just not that simple to boil down someone’s character to that one aspect, I know, but it is a big one for me
It’s weird I still like him in many ways he is the father of my children. Liking someone is a feeling, and living with them and giving them your life savings and they don’t deserve it or not being an equal partner message very hard to live with. And remember life Outlasts love when it comes to lifelong relationships.
I’m feeling for you.
I have to just rant about something for a bit:
First I was told for ages that I am selfish and controlling, that this is who I am as an alcoholic and that I need to work on being more understanding and all that. That I am the cause of my problems and that I need to work on myself.
Now I get told that I am codependent and need to work on myself again, again I am the cause of my problem!
I am so sick of hearing this right now. I had ONE messed up relationship with a dry drunk who has never done any work on himself. Other than that I don't have any issues with other people. At least nothing that goes beyond normal disagreements and stuff like that. Still all of a sudden everyone is convinced that I need to work on myself (which I have done a lot in the past 2 years, therapy and AA plus endless self help books). Well actually not everyone. All my non-AA-friends and my family thinks there's nothing wrong with me.
But I am just so tired of hearing that my relationship failed or that the reason why I tried to make it work for 2 years must be that there's something wrong with me I need to work on. It's always me who needs to improve, get better,... I just can't hear it anymore! I don't feel like there's that much wrong with me to be honest. Maybe this makes me ignorant, maybe I am putting myself on a high horse. But I am tired of getting handed the "crazy / troubled" card.
I am not perfect, no. But why do so many people think it must've been me? Why is it so unlikely that it was my ex who's just not able to have a relationship (he has a track record of unstable and short relationships and the one he had with me was much longer than any other one he had in the past 15 years or so)? I know it takes always 2 but I think for me the work that needed to be done was to finally see through his patterns and then let go of it. And to make sure I will recognise the red flags the next time which I am sure I will. I was just too young, inexperienced and naive to really see them then or to know what they mean.
(RANT OVER)
First I was told for ages that I am selfish and controlling, that this is who I am as an alcoholic and that I need to work on being more understanding and all that. That I am the cause of my problems and that I need to work on myself.
Now I get told that I am codependent and need to work on myself again, again I am the cause of my problem!
I am so sick of hearing this right now. I had ONE messed up relationship with a dry drunk who has never done any work on himself. Other than that I don't have any issues with other people. At least nothing that goes beyond normal disagreements and stuff like that. Still all of a sudden everyone is convinced that I need to work on myself (which I have done a lot in the past 2 years, therapy and AA plus endless self help books). Well actually not everyone. All my non-AA-friends and my family thinks there's nothing wrong with me.
But I am just so tired of hearing that my relationship failed or that the reason why I tried to make it work for 2 years must be that there's something wrong with me I need to work on. It's always me who needs to improve, get better,... I just can't hear it anymore! I don't feel like there's that much wrong with me to be honest. Maybe this makes me ignorant, maybe I am putting myself on a high horse. But I am tired of getting handed the "crazy / troubled" card.
I am not perfect, no. But why do so many people think it must've been me? Why is it so unlikely that it was my ex who's just not able to have a relationship (he has a track record of unstable and short relationships and the one he had with me was much longer than any other one he had in the past 15 years or so)? I know it takes always 2 but I think for me the work that needed to be done was to finally see through his patterns and then let go of it. And to make sure I will recognise the red flags the next time which I am sure I will. I was just too young, inexperienced and naive to really see them then or to know what they mean.
(RANT OVER)
Because you are right....there is nothing wrong with you.....you have done the work....you are completely awesome....I am not sure why these people are not telling you 'go girl...let the past be the past....you are wonderful....soar with our love'....because that's what we want for you. ♥♥
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