24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 405
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,521
Originally Posted by zeppodog 
well another night of only a few hours of sleep but heading to work after I have some coffee, still pretty shaky but guess I'm ok to drive. 24 hours sober startin up.
♥♥
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 4,981
Chilled tune anyone - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFEgxQVmwSs 
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: northeast US
Posts: 715
It’s 7:51 am Monday and it’s a cooler morning than we’ve had here US side. Makes me ready to bring in fall in all it’s glory!! Colors, cooler temps and pumpkin coffee... I smell it!! 💕
24 more here and prayers to all especially those struggling today!! 24AAT👣!
24 more here and prayers to all especially those struggling today!! 24AAT👣!
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
I woke up feeling like I've had a demon exorcised...
Let me tell y'all a story... When I was 20 I graduated from college and headed off to graduate school. I was bright-eyed and full of the future, and what's more I was a badass. I was going to the best school in the country for graduate school and I had a fantastic career ahead of me... and I *did not* drink. ever. On the way I met a girl and during the summer between college and grad school we got married...
...and then I have a big blank spot in my memory....
...and then four years later I had failed at school, gotten a divorce, and was a raging alcoholic.
I have lived under an immense weight since then. I didn't have any solid memory of what happened. I had fleeting memories... I blamed her for everything. I even blamed her for "forcing" me to become an alcoholic.
I built a fantasy picture of what happened in my mind and I convinced myself of it. I told everyone my fantasy version of events and got plenty of sympathy, but even though I had convinced myself of the story I didn't really believe it, and over time the shame over whatever it was that I had done (that I couldn't remember) and the lies I told to cover it up grew. They became the core feature of my life. I was constantly defensive, constantly fearful. I was completely afraid to make a mistake of any sort. I continued to twist reality to keep myself from having to deal with any consequences. I alienated a lot of people and kept myself in a state of constant fearful misery.
I knew I had to clear this out. I told my first sponsor I needed to delve into what happened in my early 20s. I couldn't remember it but I knew it was bad and I needed to get rid of it. He encouraged me to worry about it later. He had heard my stories and was convinced my ex wife was just a bad person. He believed my victim crap.
Yesterday Suze and I addressed it. With her holding my hand I called my ex wife on the phone. I haven't talked to her (except for one very short and bizarre phone call a decade ago) since the divorce.
And.... now I know what happened. Maybe my 20-something-year-old mind couldn't deal with it. My 43-year-old mind can. The bad things that happened weren't *nearly* as bad as I imagined they were. And yep, I completely messed up my doctorate and I can now lay that entirely at the feet of my drinking. And I no longer have any other-people-blaming fantasies about how I got started drinking.
Yesterday was a long, difficult day. I went to bed exhausted. I knew I felt different but I was too mentally tired to fully understand it.
This morning, however.... wow....
I feel like I am 20 years old again with the world in front of me. The fear is gone. The shame is gone. Heh, I don't even feel like regretting my behavior for the last 23 years. I am just free.
Let me tell y'all a story... When I was 20 I graduated from college and headed off to graduate school. I was bright-eyed and full of the future, and what's more I was a badass. I was going to the best school in the country for graduate school and I had a fantastic career ahead of me... and I *did not* drink. ever. On the way I met a girl and during the summer between college and grad school we got married...
...and then I have a big blank spot in my memory....
...and then four years later I had failed at school, gotten a divorce, and was a raging alcoholic.
I have lived under an immense weight since then. I didn't have any solid memory of what happened. I had fleeting memories... I blamed her for everything. I even blamed her for "forcing" me to become an alcoholic.
I built a fantasy picture of what happened in my mind and I convinced myself of it. I told everyone my fantasy version of events and got plenty of sympathy, but even though I had convinced myself of the story I didn't really believe it, and over time the shame over whatever it was that I had done (that I couldn't remember) and the lies I told to cover it up grew. They became the core feature of my life. I was constantly defensive, constantly fearful. I was completely afraid to make a mistake of any sort. I continued to twist reality to keep myself from having to deal with any consequences. I alienated a lot of people and kept myself in a state of constant fearful misery.
I knew I had to clear this out. I told my first sponsor I needed to delve into what happened in my early 20s. I couldn't remember it but I knew it was bad and I needed to get rid of it. He encouraged me to worry about it later. He had heard my stories and was convinced my ex wife was just a bad person. He believed my victim crap.
Yesterday Suze and I addressed it. With her holding my hand I called my ex wife on the phone. I haven't talked to her (except for one very short and bizarre phone call a decade ago) since the divorce.
And.... now I know what happened. Maybe my 20-something-year-old mind couldn't deal with it. My 43-year-old mind can. The bad things that happened weren't *nearly* as bad as I imagined they were. And yep, I completely messed up my doctorate and I can now lay that entirely at the feet of my drinking. And I no longer have any other-people-blaming fantasies about how I got started drinking.
Yesterday was a long, difficult day. I went to bed exhausted. I knew I felt different but I was too mentally tired to fully understand it.
This morning, however.... wow....
I feel like I am 20 years old again with the world in front of me. The fear is gone. The shame is gone. Heh, I don't even feel like regretting my behavior for the last 23 years. I am just free.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,521
Originally Posted by Goat
I woke up feeling like I've had a demon exorcised...
Let me tell y'all a story... When I was 20 I graduated from college and headed off to graduate school. I was bright-eyed and full of the future, and what's more I was a badass. I was going to the best school in the country for graduate school and I had a fantastic career ahead of me... and I *did not* drink. ever. On the way I met a girl and during the summer between college and grad school we got married...
...and then I have a big blank spot in my memory....
...and then four years later I had failed at school, gotten a divorce, and was a raging alcoholic.
I have lived under an immense weight since then. I didn't have any solid memory of what happened. I had fleeting memories... I blamed her for everything. I even blamed her for "forcing" me to become an alcoholic.
I built a fantasy picture of what happened in my mind and I convinced myself of it. I told everyone my fantasy version of events and got plenty of sympathy, but even though I had convinced myself of the story I didn't really believe it, and over time the shame over whatever it was that I had done (that I couldn't remember) and the lies I told to cover it up grew. They became the core feature of my life. I was constantly defensive, constantly fearful. I was completely afraid to make a mistake of any sort. I continued to twist reality to keep myself from having to deal with any consequences. I alienated a lot of people and kept myself in a state of constant fearful misery.
I knew I had to clear this out. I told my first sponsor I needed to delve into what happened in my early 20s. I couldn't remember it but I knew it was bad and I needed to get rid of it. He encouraged me to worry about it later. He had heard my stories and was convinced my ex wife was just a bad person. He believed my victim crap.
Yesterday Suze and I addressed it. With her holding my hand I called my ex wife on the phone. I haven't talked to her (except for one very short and bizarre phone call a decade ago) since the divorce.
And.... now I know what happened. Maybe my 20-something-year-old mind couldn't deal with it. My 43-year-old mind can. The bad things that happened weren't *nearly* as bad as I imagined they were. And yep, I completely messed up my doctorate and I can now lay that entirely at the feet of my drinking. And I no longer have any other-people-blaming fantasies about how I got started drinking.
Yesterday was a long, difficult day. I went to bed exhausted. I knew I felt different but I was too mentally tired to fully understand it.
This morning, however.... wow....
I feel like I am 20 years old again with the world in front of me. The fear is gone. The shame is gone. Heh, I don't even feel like regretting my behavior for the last 23 years. I am just free.
Let me tell y'all a story... When I was 20 I graduated from college and headed off to graduate school. I was bright-eyed and full of the future, and what's more I was a badass. I was going to the best school in the country for graduate school and I had a fantastic career ahead of me... and I *did not* drink. ever. On the way I met a girl and during the summer between college and grad school we got married...
...and then I have a big blank spot in my memory....
...and then four years later I had failed at school, gotten a divorce, and was a raging alcoholic.
I have lived under an immense weight since then. I didn't have any solid memory of what happened. I had fleeting memories... I blamed her for everything. I even blamed her for "forcing" me to become an alcoholic.
I built a fantasy picture of what happened in my mind and I convinced myself of it. I told everyone my fantasy version of events and got plenty of sympathy, but even though I had convinced myself of the story I didn't really believe it, and over time the shame over whatever it was that I had done (that I couldn't remember) and the lies I told to cover it up grew. They became the core feature of my life. I was constantly defensive, constantly fearful. I was completely afraid to make a mistake of any sort. I continued to twist reality to keep myself from having to deal with any consequences. I alienated a lot of people and kept myself in a state of constant fearful misery.
I knew I had to clear this out. I told my first sponsor I needed to delve into what happened in my early 20s. I couldn't remember it but I knew it was bad and I needed to get rid of it. He encouraged me to worry about it later. He had heard my stories and was convinced my ex wife was just a bad person. He believed my victim crap.
Yesterday Suze and I addressed it. With her holding my hand I called my ex wife on the phone. I haven't talked to her (except for one very short and bizarre phone call a decade ago) since the divorce.
And.... now I know what happened. Maybe my 20-something-year-old mind couldn't deal with it. My 43-year-old mind can. The bad things that happened weren't *nearly* as bad as I imagined they were. And yep, I completely messed up my doctorate and I can now lay that entirely at the feet of my drinking. And I no longer have any other-people-blaming fantasies about how I got started drinking.
Yesterday was a long, difficult day. I went to bed exhausted. I knew I felt different but I was too mentally tired to fully understand it.
This morning, however.... wow....
I feel like I am 20 years old again with the world in front of me. The fear is gone. The shame is gone. Heh, I don't even feel like regretting my behavior for the last 23 years. I am just free.
That was hard yesterday indeed, especially the part where I waited for the phone to ring after you spoke to K. I was so proud of you for doing that....the only one who was ever going to be able to tell you what happened is her. And all of those demons Nick....those demons you were carrying that were in the way of you ever being healthy and happy....you made a huge leap forward yesterday. You told the truth.....you told me and yourself and now the world, and now you get to keep working the steps with joy instead of fear....freedom is yours.....you just have to grab it now. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Originally Posted by venuscat
I know you regret the parts where other people got hurt love.....like all of us do....but I do understand what you mean....
Originally Posted by venuscat
That was hard yesterday indeed, especially the part where I waited for the phone to ring after you spoke to K. I was so proud of you for doing that....the only one who was ever going to be able to tell you what happened is her. And all of those demons Nick....those demons you were carrying that were in the way of you ever being healthy and happy....you made a huge leap forward yesterday. You told the truth.....you told me and yourself and now the world, and now you get to keep working the steps with joy instead of fear....freedom is yours.....you just have to grab it now. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I have pushed myself through the steps before, somewhat grudgingly... now what I feel about them is not just joy but glee
Telling the truth was like saying hello to an old friend I had abandoned long ago. I'm never letting my friend go again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 3 (0 members and 3 guests)
