The Power Of Sobriety Thread (POST!) #4
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
Courage, how do you boost the volume on your soul? I feel as though I have gone to that well, whatever or wherever it is, and it is totally dried up.
I feel totally adrift right now, not at all in control of my thoughts or emotions, and the scary part is that I don't have any reason why this is suddenly the case. Had a good day yesterday, yet woke up this morning with tears running down my cheeks.
I see myself like OJ Simpson in a low speed chase down the freeway, white bronco and all. Police cars all around and helicopters flying overhead. He had to know that it wasn't going to end well for him, didn't he? Was he thinking about how he had made a series of bad life decisions while driving 34 mph down the freeway? Knowing that this journey was only going to end one way? I feel like OJ, without the malice, rage, bloody gloves and knife, of course. Looking for an exit, a way out. Even just a shoulder that I can pull over on to for a few minutes. A happy ending to the drama. One that won't be life changing in a horrible, no good, very bad kind of way.
Oh wait, he got off and freed from his jail cell, didn't he?
At least the first time...
I am rambling. I know I sound like I'm a crazy person, reading over this. I am pretty sure you all have been here, or been in a similar movie . It's a bad B movie, yet still a horror show. Laughing at myself and my stupid thoughts, yet scared to death of the ending.
I feel totally adrift right now, not at all in control of my thoughts or emotions, and the scary part is that I don't have any reason why this is suddenly the case. Had a good day yesterday, yet woke up this morning with tears running down my cheeks.
I see myself like OJ Simpson in a low speed chase down the freeway, white bronco and all. Police cars all around and helicopters flying overhead. He had to know that it wasn't going to end well for him, didn't he? Was he thinking about how he had made a series of bad life decisions while driving 34 mph down the freeway? Knowing that this journey was only going to end one way? I feel like OJ, without the malice, rage, bloody gloves and knife, of course. Looking for an exit, a way out. Even just a shoulder that I can pull over on to for a few minutes. A happy ending to the drama. One that won't be life changing in a horrible, no good, very bad kind of way.
Oh wait, he got off and freed from his jail cell, didn't he?
At least the first time...
I am rambling. I know I sound like I'm a crazy person, reading over this. I am pretty sure you all have been here, or been in a similar movie . It's a bad B movie, yet still a horror show. Laughing at myself and my stupid thoughts, yet scared to death of the ending.
Last edited by stargazer016; 11-24-2017 at 04:31 AM. Reason: can't formulate a coherent thought
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,846
Star, sorry that you're feeling out of sorts. A nice, long walk usually helps me calm down when my mind is racing. I find that things have a way of working themselves out. Stay strong, my friend!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,872
There are days like that SG, life can suck, even sober.
Ask OJ... lol
Remember : when things are going bad : it will pass.
And when things are going great : same rule
Staying with us is a good start on getting things to "pass"
And that walk FB suggest too!
Big koala hug
Ask OJ... lol
Remember : when things are going bad : it will pass.
And when things are going great : same rule
Staying with us is a good start on getting things to "pass"
And that walk FB suggest too!
Big koala hug
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
Thank you so very much FBL, CK and Gilmer. It means the world to me knowing you guys are in my corner. And that this is a safe place for me to express my crazy.
I spent like four hours on SR last night and this morning. Planning on a meeting tomorrow night. I know I can right this ship if I act quickly.
Love you all!
I spent like four hours on SR last night and this morning. Planning on a meeting tomorrow night. I know I can right this ship if I act quickly.
Love you all!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
Star, you have an influence on what happens to you. Not total control, but an influence. There are patterns that you can shape.
If you think you're stuck on a no-exit highway, that drinking is inevitable -- call bulls*** on that thought, right now. Drinking is never inevitable. If you can survive any day sober, you can survive every day.
I'm sure there's a reason that this wobble in sobriety is coming on now. What might it be? In my experience, an urge to drink can be born in the smallest resentment or oldest slight -- if I drop my guard on even a little occasion, then the voice of addiction start making claims. Do you want to talk about it here?
The well never dries up. Meditation. Music.
If you think you're stuck on a no-exit highway, that drinking is inevitable -- call bulls*** on that thought, right now. Drinking is never inevitable. If you can survive any day sober, you can survive every day.
I'm sure there's a reason that this wobble in sobriety is coming on now. What might it be? In my experience, an urge to drink can be born in the smallest resentment or oldest slight -- if I drop my guard on even a little occasion, then the voice of addiction start making claims. Do you want to talk about it here?
The well never dries up. Meditation. Music.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
Thanks again everyone for your support. I had a good day today visiting family and having another holiday meal.
Courage, I have no idea why I suddenly began a couple day wobble. Long hours, stress, and a depressed mood are always triggers for me. I honestly can't pin point exactly why I have been overwhelmed by the f-its. I have had a great run. I am healthier, happier, liver is better, brain is working again, doing better at work and at home. I think that I have made great strides physically and mentally the past couple of years. However, I think that maybe I am disappointed where I am emotionally and spiritually.
I think I feel that I have stagnated in my recovery. Maybe that is what I am trying to come to grips with currently. That I need to feel that I still have growth opportunities ahead. I dunno.
Keeping close to SR. Back putting one foot in front of the other.
Thank you all!
Courage, I have no idea why I suddenly began a couple day wobble. Long hours, stress, and a depressed mood are always triggers for me. I honestly can't pin point exactly why I have been overwhelmed by the f-its. I have had a great run. I am healthier, happier, liver is better, brain is working again, doing better at work and at home. I think that I have made great strides physically and mentally the past couple of years. However, I think that maybe I am disappointed where I am emotionally and spiritually.
I think I feel that I have stagnated in my recovery. Maybe that is what I am trying to come to grips with currently. That I need to feel that I still have growth opportunities ahead. I dunno.
Keeping close to SR. Back putting one foot in front of the other.
Thank you all!
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,846
Been sharing some great memories of my Auntie Fern with the relatives on FB. I'm sure there will be more fun stories tomorrow at the funeral. Today's avi is a great photo of my Dad and Fern (his big sister) at Miller Park here in Milwaukee, about 4 months before my Dad passed away. Fern was a HUGE baseball fan and the Milwaukee Brewers were her favorite team. Her son drives a tour bus and he brought a whole busload of relatives over to treat his Mom to a Brewers game for her 93rd birthday. Lots of great memories over the years.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,872
Nice FB!
Your aunt Fern surely saw Hank Aaron and the Milwaukee Brewers* win the World Series in 1957, she was in her early thirties back then
I like people bringing good memories and joyful stories when I go to a funeral. It's the good way to remember the one leaving.
* In fact, they were called the Milwaukee Braves in 1957
Your aunt Fern surely saw Hank Aaron and the Milwaukee Brewers* win the World Series in 1957, she was in her early thirties back then
I like people bringing good memories and joyful stories when I go to a funeral. It's the good way to remember the one leaving.
* In fact, they were called the Milwaukee Braves in 1957
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,846
Fern was a big Braves fan (she loved Eddie Mathews). It broke her heart when they moved to Atlanta after the 1965 season. She quickly adopted the Brewers when they moved to Milwaukee in 1970. She could tell you the batting averages for each and every player on the team!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Stargazer - I think a meeting is a great idea. It always makes me feel better, even when I didn’t know I needed a boost.
I wish I could accompany you to alleviate your jitters! Like you I had a job, a family, a house, a drivers license and a car when I got sober. I never lost my social standing or my stuff.
There are lots of people like us in the rooms. There are also people who have had vastly different experiences. We all care about each other.
Willingness to be vulnerable helped too. Willingness to admit I didn’t have it all figured out willingness to share my struggles, willingness to ask for help. What has helped me is seeking common ground with everyone from every walk of life. At the same time, finding a sponsor who could relate to me was important too.
Happy Thanksgiving to all! I’m very thankful for our little corner of SR!!
I wish I could accompany you to alleviate your jitters! Like you I had a job, a family, a house, a drivers license and a car when I got sober. I never lost my social standing or my stuff.
There are lots of people like us in the rooms. There are also people who have had vastly different experiences. We all care about each other.
Willingness to be vulnerable helped too. Willingness to admit I didn’t have it all figured out willingness to share my struggles, willingness to ask for help. What has helped me is seeking common ground with everyone from every walk of life. At the same time, finding a sponsor who could relate to me was important too.
Happy Thanksgiving to all! I’m very thankful for our little corner of SR!!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
That's a wonderful picture, FBL, and great stories about Fern, your dad, and the Brewers!
Stargazer, maybe you just have the 2.5 year doldrums.
My first, first again, and second years were internally very exciting. Lots of change. Nowadays, still learning, yes -- to have a little more fun, to be kind. But more continuous effort than big leaps. & I'm just never going to make some of the big leaps that once I aspired to. That's a kind of learning too -- letting go of my massive ego. Not all the lessons of sobriety are welcome.
At the same time, there are a million small but real adventures not yet taken. I'm still waiting for time to take up archery And in the internal landscape, there are no constraints on adventure at all. I should have asked you before, what do *you* do to listen to your soul?
Stargazer, maybe you just have the 2.5 year doldrums.
Originally Posted by stargazer016 
I think I feel that I have stagnated in my recovery. Maybe that is what I am trying to come to grips with currently. That I need to feel that I still have growth opportunities ahead. I dunno.
At the same time, there are a million small but real adventures not yet taken. I'm still waiting for time to take up archery
And in the internal landscape, there are no constraints on adventure at all. I should have asked you before, what do *you* do to listen to your soul?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Fbl - You just exude love for your family. I enjoy it!
Courage - Great insight and suggestions for SG, or any of us for that matter. You have an uncanny ability to understand what any of us need when we’re feeling wobbly.
It’s been a fun few days of entertaining family and friends. I’ve been cooking and cleaning for three days in a row and really enjoying myself. Before alcohol took center stage, I enjoyed entertaining. Since getting sober I didnt enjoy it as much but I’m getting back into it again.
I have just sort of accepted it as it comes without forcing I. When I found having people over less enjoyable I allowed myself to cut back. It was my new normal at that time and I cut back without any anticipation that someday I’d ge the hosting bug again. My serenity is in direct proportion to my acceptance.
It feels SO GOOD to be enjoying a quiet night in tonight after a busy 3 days. Back in the day I would have forced myself out because of fear of missing out. Now I enjoy a rejuvenating night under my blanket!
Courage - Great insight and suggestions for SG, or any of us for that matter. You have an uncanny ability to understand what any of us need when we’re feeling wobbly.
It’s been a fun few days of entertaining family and friends. I’ve been cooking and cleaning for three days in a row and really enjoying myself. Before alcohol took center stage, I enjoyed entertaining. Since getting sober I didnt enjoy it as much but I’m getting back into it again.
I have just sort of accepted it as it comes without forcing I. When I found having people over less enjoyable I allowed myself to cut back. It was my new normal at that time and I cut back without any anticipation that someday I’d ge the hosting bug again. My serenity is in direct proportion to my acceptance.
It feels SO GOOD to be enjoying a quiet night in tonight after a busy 3 days. Back in the day I would have forced myself out because of fear of missing out. Now I enjoy a rejuvenating night under my blanket!
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
That's a great picture FBL, and a wonderful story.
Courage, I think you know me better than I know myself sometimes. Thanks for your help and advice. You hit the nail on the head with the ego thing. And you are correct in that not all of the lessons of sobriety are welcome.
Glee, I am glad that you were able to enjoy the holidays. I have lowered expectations and enjoy things much more. There was a time when we brought out the fine china for this meal. The house had to be spotless. Everything cooked to perfection. I would start drinking early in the morning and my wife and I invariably would be arguing off and on all day. Which, of course, lead to more drinking. I like being chill and enjoying things as they are. More realistic expectations don't lead as often to disappointment.
Oh ya, I went to an AA meeting tonight. I went to one in a very blue collar town on a Saturday night and the crowd was kind of the type I thought might be there. I must have heard 150 f-bombs and all sorts of other profanity throughout the night. That surprised me a little, but the stories people shared showed that alcohol has no regard for class, or education or status. It is an equal opportunity destroyer. The building where the meeting was hosts three meetings throughout the day seven days a week, and I might try checking out different times. Or a meeting in a neighboring town. I could definitely feel the support in the room by everyone towards each other, even when calling each other a-holes and whatever. I was the third speaker, and there were three other new attendees there. The original plan was to discuss the second step, but with so many newbies there, the chair opted to discuss the first step. It was a nice gesture to us newbies.
Courage, I am a little hesitant to admit this, but being that this group is very tight and hopefully nonjudgemental I will. I think besides my stress, the holidays, depression, fatigue, and a multitude of other issues affecting me, my relationship with Del has caused me to wobble a bit. She was actually the one that pointed this out to me . For those that know her, you know that she has a lot going on all the time, and it takes a lot of energy sometimes to keep up with the happenings in her world. She hit a bit of a down streak recently, and I think perhaps I followed her down a bit too. She has not gone to a meeting in a long time, and despite my constant urging, has not come back to SR with any regularity. Perhaps the weight of being her only support system caused my knees to buckle a bit. I will discuss this with her the next time we talk.
Please, please, know that I am not blaming her at all for my stumbling around mentally recently. I don't know if she will read this at some point or not. Del has shown me something that I didn't know before and am grateful to now realize.
That being...
My sobriety foundation is not as secure as I thought it previously was. This was a passing storm that shook my house's foundation and now I realize that I need to strengthen the foundation, because, invariably, another, more severe storm will come through and rock my house more violently the next time. Delizadee pointing this out to me is something that I am extremely grateful for, and I will let her know it. She has done a lot to help me through some difficult times, and I deeply value my time that I spent talking and texting with her. She is such an incredibly intelligent woman, and very compassionate and giving mother and friend. I can't wait until she feels comfortable enough to return here on a more regular basis.
Boy, that was long winded. Geez.
Love you all!
Courage, I think you know me better than I know myself sometimes. Thanks for your help and advice. You hit the nail on the head with the ego thing. And you are correct in that not all of the lessons of sobriety are welcome.
Glee, I am glad that you were able to enjoy the holidays. I have lowered expectations and enjoy things much more. There was a time when we brought out the fine china for this meal. The house had to be spotless. Everything cooked to perfection. I would start drinking early in the morning and my wife and I invariably would be arguing off and on all day. Which, of course, lead to more drinking. I like being chill and enjoying things as they are. More realistic expectations don't lead as often to disappointment.
Oh ya, I went to an AA meeting tonight. I went to one in a very blue collar town on a Saturday night and the crowd was kind of the type I thought might be there. I must have heard 150 f-bombs and all sorts of other profanity throughout the night. That surprised me a little, but the stories people shared showed that alcohol has no regard for class, or education or status. It is an equal opportunity destroyer. The building where the meeting was hosts three meetings throughout the day seven days a week, and I might try checking out different times. Or a meeting in a neighboring town. I could definitely feel the support in the room by everyone towards each other, even when calling each other a-holes and whatever. I was the third speaker, and there were three other new attendees there. The original plan was to discuss the second step, but with so many newbies there, the chair opted to discuss the first step. It was a nice gesture to us newbies.
Courage, I am a little hesitant to admit this, but being that this group is very tight and hopefully nonjudgemental I will. I think besides my stress, the holidays, depression, fatigue, and a multitude of other issues affecting me, my relationship with Del has caused me to wobble a bit. She was actually the one that pointed this out to me . For those that know her, you know that she has a lot going on all the time, and it takes a lot of energy sometimes to keep up with the happenings in her world. She hit a bit of a down streak recently, and I think perhaps I followed her down a bit too. She has not gone to a meeting in a long time, and despite my constant urging, has not come back to SR with any regularity. Perhaps the weight of being her only support system caused my knees to buckle a bit. I will discuss this with her the next time we talk.
Please, please, know that I am not blaming her at all for my stumbling around mentally recently. I don't know if she will read this at some point or not. Del has shown me something that I didn't know before and am grateful to now realize.
That being...
My sobriety foundation is not as secure as I thought it previously was. This was a passing storm that shook my house's foundation and now I realize that I need to strengthen the foundation, because, invariably, another, more severe storm will come through and rock my house more violently the next time. Delizadee pointing this out to me is something that I am extremely grateful for, and I will let her know it. She has done a lot to help me through some difficult times, and I deeply value my time that I spent talking and texting with her. She is such an incredibly intelligent woman, and very compassionate and giving mother and friend. I can't wait until she feels comfortable enough to return here on a more regular basis.
Boy, that was long winded. Geez.
Love you all!
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
Hi SG
My remarks here are general - no reflection meant on you or any other members.
I was never a great one for boundaries - I was the General Manager of the Universe, the Go To Guy, the Fixer...
but the unrelenting pressure of that - pressure I put myself under - led me to drinking.
Boundaries are essential to me now.
In order for me to stay useful I have to avoid crossing that line from 'help' to 'Saviour', and from 'support' to 'codependency'.
It was tough for me, because I do genuinely care about people and I hate to see them go down the dark roads I have.,..but everyone had their journey.
I tended to go down the dark laneways and often felt I got pulled backwards through a great number of hedges...but that was my journey.
I'd rather now share how I fish than to catch fish for someone.
Works out better for everyone this way.
D
My remarks here are general - no reflection meant on you or any other members.
I was never a great one for boundaries - I was the General Manager of the Universe, the Go To Guy, the Fixer...
but the unrelenting pressure of that - pressure I put myself under - led me to drinking.
Boundaries are essential to me now.
In order for me to stay useful I have to avoid crossing that line from 'help' to 'Saviour', and from 'support' to 'codependency'.
It was tough for me, because I do genuinely care about people and I hate to see them go down the dark roads I have.,..but everyone had their journey.
I tended to go down the dark laneways and often felt I got pulled backwards through a great number of hedges...but that was my journey.
I'd rather now share how I fish than to catch fish for someone.
Works out better for everyone this way.
D
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
((((((((SG)))))))
Next time you talk to Del, please say hi for me.
I’m glad the meeting was productive yesterday.
I hope there are several meetings there that you end up liking.
I’m glad you sought assistance yourself before you found yourself too far down the rabbit hole.
I’m also glad that you are able to examine yourself and spot danger signs—and admit them to yourself! Many times danger hits deeper and lasts longer for us alcoholics, because we’re like ostriches with our heads in the sand with denial!
Your shares are extremely useful!
Next time you talk to Del, please say hi for me.
I’m glad the meeting was productive yesterday.
I hope there are several meetings there that you end up liking.
I’m glad you sought assistance yourself before you found yourself too far down the rabbit hole.
I’m also glad that you are able to examine yourself and spot danger signs—and admit them to yourself! Many times danger hits deeper and lasts longer for us alcoholics, because we’re like ostriches with our heads in the sand with denial!
Your shares are extremely useful!
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