Dee74

Is there nothing you can look at in your life that you can see as a good thing Sleepie?

D

sleepie

No, not actually Dee. Sadly, no. I am at the end of over 40 years of nothing good and trying my best. I am tired and out of ideas and out of energy. You have to remember I have been trying for many years in life, years and years of all of this that I live with and years of getting up going "It's a new day, anything can happen" and having hope each day and getting crushed over and over and over and being very much alone in everything and that is the truth.

I person can only take/ do so much. I am just worn out.

Dee74

I see a woman with a great sense of humour, a great artistic talent, a caring heart, a lot of determination to keep coming back, and a friend to many here.

I understand you might not see that right now, but that doesn't mean it's not true or that others can't see you this way.

I just wanted you to know that

D

sleepie

Thanks Dee. I am all that but also a worn out old lady...

Dee74

Sleepie

D

sleepie

I am worried I am losing my sense of time here with all my late nights.

I pm'd soberwolf yesterday. But I see he hasn't posted since the 8th. Now for SW, that's a long time. Anyone hear from him- did he take a break and I missed it?

Aside from that I had a nice walk to the 24 coffee place for an iced decaf. It is a warm and foggy night out (well it was 3:30 a.m. actually). I love it. I wish we had a month of darkness like in Alaska.

Who am I kidding I wish it was dark 1/2 the year. I love it. Also though I love the quiet stillness and that nobody is up or out.

sleepie

on another note it looks as if I will be watching some kids I used to sit.
I love these children, I watched them on and off for years.
The are a different set than the ones I previously mentioned.

MissPerfumado

Hi sleepie! It's not like soberwolf to be away for long, you're right. I hope he's okay.

I'm really glad to hear about you getting to watch those kids. That's great news. Let us know how it goes. I hide you enjoy your time with them.

sleepie

Thanks I am looking forward to it.

How are you MissP?

I hope that Steely is doing ok on her break.

I have to stay up today- just have to. I have to turn this around as much as I would love to stay nocturnal. By about 2 in the afternoon I am going to be very tired but must try to stay up til 8. At least if I crash out then I can wake up at a morning time even if it is early.

MissPerfumado

I'm well, sleepie, thank you. I'm just watching some TV and checking into SR, relaxing after work and gym. It's been a fairly routine day today. I need to book the removalists tomorrow, and I need to start organising farewell events. I don't like those things - I find them too fussy. I have some sort of emotional short-circuiting sometimes I think.

I hope you manage to stay up.

sleepie

Fail.
Fell asleep at 10 a.m. Now it's 5.
It's never going to end.

MissPerfumado

Boo, sleepie. You're keeping my local time! Keep trying though. What are you going to get up to today do you think?

Dee74

SW took a few days off to do some real life things - he's back now I think

D

sleepie

Ha MP you gave me a good idea- I just need to move outta the US! How is/was your day?

Thanks Dee SW and I pm'ed earlier. It is hard not to worry. I mean I am the same way though, sometimes people here will pm me if I am gone a single day! I post too much. Oh well.

sleepie

I would feel worse about posting so much but it has gotten me close to 5 months free of benzos and booze. I mean how else would a shut in accomplish that? My internet friends are all I have. Especially in this regard. My real life friends and acquaintances- they politely do not inquire when I say I no longer drink because they are decent and respectful, it's my business and they treat it that way. But I'd never really expose what I do here. I do hope I am not making a dumb mistake. But if anyone wants to take someone to task or humiliate them for recovering online and telling personal things in the process to me they would be a bit of a monster. Not me, them. The theoretical them...

MissPerfumado

Don't stop posting here sleepie is my suggestion. I'm going to keep posting here even if sometimes I'm not saying much. I need it and all of you here. It's too important to me. You are all really important to me.

If you leave here you'll be missed, sleepie.

sleepie

I am unable to leave yet! This is all I have right now.

I am sitting here with oils on my head again. I pulled another spot out of my hair the last 2 days. This is worse than quitting drinking. I literally cannot stop. It is destroying me and yet I just can't.
Sigh I hope this oils works, or something does. This disorder robs a person of a life. You never feel carefree.

Steely

Is it too late for me to come back? I'm still sober and still haven't had a cigarette.

Dee74

Never too late
welcome back

D

sleepie

Hi Steely!
How are you?
Good to hear you're still going strong on quitting smoking. You are so much better off!