Jenses

Perhaps the fact that there are no guarantees in life and that there is so much not in my control is the reason I started drinking in the first place. Escape from life and the unknown. All I know is that I am recognizing how tired I am and how often it happens. I just don't have it in me to push through again and again. But I also am not sure where I learned that I had to push so had to prove my worth.

Jenses

And I am out of coffee.

Oh the horror (Little blow to Joseph Conrad)

But 150 days sober.

sleepie

Congrats on 5 months Jenses.

Steely

Good morning all,
Seems like the makings of a really good discussion are about to occur. I feel like I'm in a psychology/philosophy tutorial. Very privileged to be part of this Class and hope I can do it justice.

I have an appointment with the doctor this morning so no time....suffice to say I am on exactly the same page and am going to start with the premise that it's really all about coffee. Phew, God works in mysterious ways. We might have cracked it. lol

From now on whenever we feel like shite we only have to say the word coffeeeee
and we'll know enlightenment.

A lot to ponder in doctor's waiting room and hope when I get back I have something of substance to give in return. Coffeeeee...

sleepie

Hi Steely good luck at the doctor's and let us know how it all goes

Steely

Thanks sleepie. Have to tell him about my hair loss this time it's reached critical mass.

sleepie

Do you have the thyroid trouble?
I think in addition to my trich disorder I have some hormonal thing, as my hair has shed for many years quite a bit. I have endometriosis and fibroids so I know my body makes way too much estrogen.

You read that right... I am simply too much woman.

MissPerfumado

Morning all. Last night we had a tropical thunderstorm and I fell asleep to the sound of pouring rain. Joseph Conrad would have been right at home.

Maybe there's something about the 4 or 5 month mark. I haven't had existentialist dread but I have had a few moments in the last couple of weeks knowing I would have liked to drink to reduce work stress. I have realised that there is no liquid escape from negative feelings - be they exasperation, inadequacy, helplessness, or plain old anxiety (that old foe). I know the temptation is a false hope - that worse troubles lie behind drink - but I have to work a little on those occasions to remind myself of that.

On one such occasion I did find myself feeling sorry about not having one thing that I've done without for a long time and haven't really actively missed - a companion. A partner. Someone in my side and who has my back to say that it'll be all right. Yes, I felt lonely!

Well, to me that's a sign that I need to do some work on myself, so I guess that's coming up.

Now I certainly need some coffee but I think my father serves only instant stuff in his house. It'll have to do!

Jenses

I know the feeling MissP. I have been missing the escape as well. And I also have the self talk reminding me that it's not a solution and that its just hiding. But it's still there. Luckily my mind says "I could use a bottle of wine" so at least I am not being lured by the 'just one glass' crap. It's just like me - go big or go home.
Funny thing about it all. There is a bottle of wine unopened in my fridge - right next to the half empty one my mother in law left at xmas. Funny, but it's not an issue (well, it is white so that would explain it lol). Actually a friend who decided to sober up had a bottle in his house too. He said that he always knows it's there, and it reminds him that every day he choses sobriety. I thought that would be hard, but now that it's sitting in my basement fridge, it reminds me that I am choosing every day. May not work for everyone but for me, it works. And it's white - so really, it's bottled dishwater lol

sleepie

MissP I hope you will find someone who has your back.
I like my bf a lot and he is good to me but he never, ever reassures me or tells me it'll be alright.

It's a great source of anxiety for me, my whole life to never have had that.

Funny you mention it because I put a lot of thought into that just today as I was feeling really bad about this hair pulling "relapse" I had. I was thinking on how I have lived with this unfortunate and self esteem crushing disorder for decades, and how it is anxiety fueled. I just haven't ever had in my entire life one single person who was there for me in that way. I know it sounds exaggerated but I have wracked my brains and scoured my history and it is true, and it has caused really lasting damage.

Now I have a lot of sadness in knowing I am only forced to provide for myself what I was never given. Another loss. With more and more self reliance and living longer and longer without any reassurance from life including not even being able to rely on my own grey matter, I feel myself becoming more hardened and resentful.

Like, I am angry at people who have certain luxuries in life and can afford to have drama or who have never known any real hardship and fall apart once something finally happens. I find myself with a bit of schadenfreude, and entertaining my slightly morbid obsession with personality disorders and psychopaths as I believe I was raised by someone with possibly both of these disorders. That sounds dark as I say it but I suppose if I were raised differently I would have a different thing to study.

It's dog eat dog so oh well.

Vinificent

Greetings to my original class of December 15! You all seem to be doing well, as am I in that I am still here and even though had a couple of slips since December 30, still consider it to be my soberversary, because that was the day I took that first step on the journey.

Sleepier, Steely, and Jenses - I can so relate to all you are reporting about often feeling worse than when you were in the early stages of sobriety. In the last week alone I developed a bladder infection, was given a course of antibiotics which did absolutely nothing, so given a different kind that caused an awful rash. Remember when we couldn't sit still for any period of time? Well now I can't stay awake 😞
I even fell asleep at work- that NEVER happened - even on my worst hangover days. I just feel so drained... now instead of anticipating the end of the day to begin drinking, I fantasize about flannel pajamas and a downy duvet 😒

Don't get me wrong friends - I am much happier now that I have that AV constant craving monkey off my back - but also wonder if perhaps the alcohol was killing germs to which we are now defenseless? Or did I always have these ailments but was too focused on where the next drink was coming from to notice??

Either way, I am not going backwards and am looking forward to healthier days for all of us !

Steely

Vinificent you repeat my story intact. Bladder infection; rash; fatigue and failed antibiotics which work for a while, and then collapse.

Was supposed to go to the doctor's today but rescheduled as window of opportunity arose and decided to have coffee with my neighbour friend who I figured would be better medicine. She was.

I have had my thyroid checked sleepie and it's fine. All of my blood tests come back hunky dory I just feel like shite. Maybe autoimmune idk but if we maintain sobriety Vinificent maybe we'll build up those muscles. Whatever, sobriety is better either way. That's the authentic life sleepie.

Hair loss could be stress related as well as a w/d from antidepressants some time back, and when it first began. Guess I'll just have to learn how to grow my hair. Bottle it.

I have no thoughts of alcohol as a route of escape any longer. The rationalisations I used are now laughable and await the next sledge that awaits with grace hopefully lol. That's my authentic life sleepie, and still hold to the premise that it is only coffee. Slave labour ........!

Good to see everyone and the afternoon is beautiful even with the scattered hairs.

sleepie

Well I dared to go to a used book store and that was not a great idea. Had a panic attack and just went right back to bed.

Dee74

congrats on 5 months Jenses

D

sleepie

That was a good call Steely, I agree it is just better for the sanity to spend time with a friend. I got a couple of oils online that are supposedly good for hair growth and am considering a few dietary changes and maybe vitamin supplements. I always forget to take a multi vitamin and now I am just taking in a film and eating a chocolate muffin and taking magnesium and vitamin D... well I ain't gonna change overnight.

So this film it's called "Dirty Filthy Love" and has a sad woman with the same hair pulling disorder and also a man with tic disorder. When I saw it years ago I was in disbelief anyone made a film like this about these people/ disorders in a way that was not meant to be a cheap joke.

Dirty Filthy Love (TV Movie 2004) - IMDb

Steely

That sounds like a really good film sleepie if it were done properly. Why can't people with hair pulling behaviour and tics be actors? Good film, trials and tribulations. Love. Intrigue.

I just re read my last post and thought it was full of pompous grandiosity.

All I meant was that imo there are no guarantees in life, everyone knows that, life just is so I want to get on with it with some sort of dignity. Alcohol denies me my dignity ergo my authenticity and that's the life of the walking dead imo.

I have not been living out my value system with alcohol as a companion, and if I die not having done so I'll be pretty upset with myself. It all would be for nought and I'll know it on my deathbed, and that would be crap.

My integrity and my authenticity are directly linked to my value system and alcohol and I don't have a value system. And now I really do want a cup of coffee.

sleepie

Steely, by my observation you are rather hard on yourself. No need to go critical on yourself for speaking your mind, and besides I certainly cannot detect any pomposity, I really don't even think you have it in you, you are too genuine, too kind.

As for the film, the actors are only acting out the disorders, they don't actually have them. It was a good portrayal, realistic and really a sweet film.

Steely

Thanks sleepie I think its psychosocial lol. Like you, if I had been born under different circumstances I would have another story to tell. That doesn't make it any more palatable, simply true.

Trying to put the work into the chrysalis and the butterfly, trying to get free, and this means liking myself and that's very unfamiliar territory for me. Unchartered in fact.

Strange when I think about it, why wouldn't I like myself I didn't burn any babies or anything.

I know what you mean about loneliness MissP, but when I weigh up a conventional relationship with the benefits of my own my independence and autonomy, I opt for autonomy.

My neighbour friend has a really loving and supportive relationship with her husband, but there are always little things that arise that only go to remind me that it's not what I really want.

Good friends, not that I have many, will watch my back, and vice versa. A nice warm cuddle is good though. I miss that sometimes.

I guess all I'm really trying to say is that I would never live with anyone again, but at the same time would not not knock back an intimate relationship.....but I'd have to invite them around.....from a distance.....go home now, later, sorta thing.

A Woman Alone is OK with me, just need some good mates. I'm pretty much aware that the amount of recovery I have before me could not include living with someone. Not now.

Had a really good time with my friend. We had another idea on the Kitchen Kaper's theme, and thought that the sending up of a lot of the self-help (book) industry could be really funny.

So much material to work with.....ditching books over our shoulder, etc., give one or two the thumbs up, quote a few paragraphs, act it out with demo stuff. Could be fun. Maybe it's already been done?

Raving again, and probably off topic so will close now and go have my dinner. Tonight is vegetarian and I forgot the pumpkin. But there will always be coffee.

I AM A GOOD PERSON. Good name for a self-help book? haha

Dee74

I'm not sure what you felt was pompous or grandiose Steely - didn't register
with me that way anyway

I definitely agree I want to live my life in an authentic and what I feel is a useful way

you are a good person - we're pretty flush with them in this group

D

sleepie

Although I aborted early from my book store/ dinner out, I did manage to grab a used copy of "Night Shift" Dee.

And what's the status on that coffee situation Steely? You had a broken piece of equipment earlier in the week?