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Class of December 2015 Pt 6

Old 05-08-2016, 04:29 AM
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I hope you'll try and get some rest Sleepie. When it's all said and done your welfare is important - y'know?

D
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Old 05-08-2016, 04:32 AM
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Maybe, I mean I just do not know what to do in the immediate because those test are tomorrow, only 30 hours from now. If I sleep now I'll be screwed because I will sleep until 2:00 in the afternoon.
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Old 05-08-2016, 05:44 AM
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Can you beg off the family obligation and try to stay up as late as possible today and then sleep, sleepie? That way you might be able to get enough rest for the tests.

Whatever you decide to do, I think the tests are more important than the family meal - just my 2 cents.
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:39 AM
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That is what I decided to do. I feel like a jerk for not showing up but I really need to do this. Last time was such a mess. I hope I end up sleeping later. I know that in the past when I was very stressed out I was staying up for nearly 48 hours at a time.
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:43 AM
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This really upsets me. And it makes me feel like just how it used to be when I was up til dawn drinking, I didn't often do that but when I did it was no good. It makes me feel the same way- punchy and birds chirping and slightly surreal. I don't want to think about those times and this make me feel no different. I just don't get it. I went through all that with quitting everything and life is just not one shred better. Things are actually worse. All the anxiety, the insomnia, and the tics. I seriously do not understand. And it's not like I quit yesterday. I am not just complaining, it's that I am actually getting scared.

Please do not suggest a doctor. I have been over 10 times to doctors of various sorts, in this last year. It's part of why I feel like such a basket case now all the time.
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Old 05-08-2016, 07:14 AM
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Seeing doctors in itself is not a "cure" Sleepie. They help identify the problem, but we must do the work to facilitate the cure. For example, if you deal with anxiety ( which I do ), I have a daily set of tasks/exercises I need to follow to keep in check. If I don't do them, my anxiety come back with vengeance.

What are you doing on a daily basis to help yourself get better?
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Old 05-08-2016, 02:00 PM
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Sigh... fell asleep again. Tried to stay up. I slept not too great though so I hope that helps later. Ugh.
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Old 05-09-2016, 01:49 AM
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Well here I am going nuts with anxiety again and can't sleep from the dumb tests that I won't be rested enough to take again. I am about done trying. I can't sit here every single time with nobody to help me get through it IRL, and not a valium to sleep, nothing. Just deal with it entirely alone and silently lose my mind as I have no family or anyone that actually cares in my life to help me get through this. It really isn't bf's thing so nothing there.
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Old 05-09-2016, 02:27 AM
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I'm sorry that you feel you're doing this alone Sleepie. There's a lot of folks here trying to help, best they can?

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Old 05-09-2016, 02:48 AM
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That is true, but I guess that nothing really takes the place of having real, caring people in one's life. I need totally normal human things. I mean being cared for, and reassured. I need that in my real life, I kind of suspect most people do and many turn to drink or drugs when they can't get it.

I made the call and left a message to reschedule again. It's always a 3 week wait. This is like Groundhog Day. I would have had the results a long time ago if I had been able to complete the tests 3 weeks ago
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Old 05-09-2016, 02:54 AM
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I'm sorry you feel alone sleepie and that there's no-one in real life to turn to. If your bf isn't the sort who can give the reassurance you seek, then he simply isn't and it can't be changed. It is up to you again, sleepie, to find the strength within yourself. You have come this far on your own inner strength. To complete these tests you need to call on that strength again. You really can do it, sleepie.
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Old 05-09-2016, 03:10 AM
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Oh, I know. I just went into shut down mode. I am no longer wishing or hoping that he would be warm and caring. I am done thinking about it. I am leaving the apartment in a bit and intend not to be around much. I'll just fly solo more or less, emotionally, like I always have. I just got fooled there may be a chance at something I have always longed for. But I am over that now. This kind of closed that chapter. I give in meaningful ways, he doesn't. That's just the way I am. We aren't kids so nobody's changing. I just have to get used to giving things I'll never get in return, I guess.
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Old 05-09-2016, 03:25 AM
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I am veering into other territory now... I was speaking with a former addiction counselor the other day. He said that in his line of work, about 10 percent of addicts stop and go on to never touch another drug or drink again in life.

Wow. That's not a lot.

So we really are taking a thing to task here, and we should be proud right? Or at least feel as if we are accomplishing a thing?
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Old 05-09-2016, 04:40 AM
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we're certainly a minority Sleepie.


I thin k you can feel proud

For me I'm not so much proud (I have pride issues lol) as glad I have a second chance at this life thing?

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Old 05-09-2016, 05:13 AM
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No I have no pride in stopping a thing that never should have started... was just looking for something encouraging to say because I am always a downer.

You know how I feel about life.

I was surprised though at the small percentage.

Aside from that I have to stay awake until tonight no matter how tired I am. I have to sleep at night or I don't know what to do.

So that means I have to stay up for about... 30 hours. Been up since 3 or 4 yesterday afternoon after trying to stay awake I fell asleep at 11 a.m.
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Old 05-09-2016, 04:47 PM
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That percentage kind of surprises me, but it does show that this isn't easy. Speaking to alcohol alone, society actively encourages drinking if the alcoholic is still functioning, and by the time alcoholism has progressed beyond that, it gets harder to quit. I had a friend ask me yesterday if I was still "off the turps" - delightful Aussie slang expression for not drinking - although he knows I intend for this to be permanent. And I'd count him as supportive.

I'm looking at a clear day today, appointment wise, so it'll be one where I can catch up on some work and sort the desk some more. I like to think I'm adaptable and open to change but I like my routine a lot. Even a short time away throws me off. I'm so happy to be back in my own space, doing my own thing, making my own plans. Sometime I wonder if there's room in my life for a Mr Perfumado .

For years now I have had brief relationships, sweet friendly ones, which suited me and which were mutually understood to be casual. But I'm not sure that's what I want now. As I mentioned last week, I had the unmistakeable longing for a more steady companion. Even if your boyfriend doesn't give you the openly emotional stuff, sleepie, it must be nice doing things like watching movies together or reading books to him, eh?

Well, as the last lovely bloke in my life used to say: it'll be fine! Have a nice day everyone.
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Old 05-09-2016, 11:49 PM
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I don't know. I mean I am dying inside of loneliness.
I just hung out alone all day today. We only ever really visit his family together or watch movies together. We don't really do things where we engage. He wants to be left alone and do his hobbies and life until it's movie time. Then that's what we do. It feels empty to me.

He would never think of something like reading to me. I always have those kinds of ideas and I know it makes him feel special. He loves it. Nobody's ever done those kinds of things for him.

But nobody's ever done them for me, either. I wish someone did.
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Old 05-10-2016, 04:34 PM
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May I ask how long you and your boyfriend have been together, sleepie? My previous long relationship (many years ago now) became like that very quickly after we moved in together and it astonished me that we went from intense dating phase to routine cohabiting almost overnight. I felt cheated and resentful. I used to blow up in rage over small things or keep it bottled up inside and like you felt like I was dying inside. There was other not healthy stuff going on in that relationship but I essentially had to learn emotional independence before I became happy again. After a couple of years of that I realised it was simply his personality. I did some anger management work on myself, lots of self-help reading, and eventually took a job in Sydney (we were living in Melbourne so became long distance). In Sydney I used to take endless long walks on my own. I know well Steely's favourite spot in Kurraba Point that she once mentioned. I used to walk and walk and think. It was the beginning of the end for us.

The lesson I learned on my long walks was that one cannot look to someone else to make us happy. Happiness is an inside job, I decided.

That really was the start of my emotional development journey that of course has continued into lots more including sobriety and I hope to further emotional and spiritual learning.

Now my journey back to Melbourne became more real yesterday. A human resources person called me from our Melbourne office to prepare an "integration" plan for my return. It's happening. I'm excited and can see the wheels will turn quickly now. I'm going home a completely new person from when I started out many years ago. Not quite Homerian but it's been an odyssey for me nonetheless
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Old 05-10-2016, 06:52 PM
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I guess we stared dating late summer 2014. We moved in together a few months later. I know it's nobody's job to make me happy- but I thought that was one of the joys of a relationship- doing the little things that mean so much to your partner? I think I am done reading to him, and all the other things I do to make him feel special. I'm on my own, he's on his own. End of story. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days. I went out yesterday to stay away from him and let him do his thing and avoided him all day today. We are 2 separate ships sailing alone.

I guess as an abused kid I was forced to just be on my own so much from such an early age. I learned that nobody was concerned about my well being or happiness very, very early. I suppose I hoped that I could find that somewhere in life at least a little... it is a very hard life not to be cared for.

I thought I'd later at least be able to find someone who I could have a more meaningful dynamic with than simply a movie and sex partner. But I suppose that's all most people want and I'm a bit of a freak. But then I am kind of imaginative and creative at heart so I guess I really am a freak. I seek things others don't.

It's lonely, altogether to be an outsider. It isn't a choice for me. I wish I was more "normal". I know that being excluded and ostracized from a young age and for much of my life, and not being interested in the "boy girl" games that most seem to delight in has made me someone who wants something deeper, a real understanding. I think it is joyous to have something special between two people that only you can create. I feel so stupid.

I guess most people want just someone to be with physically and watch movies with, basically a body so they don't have to be alone?

Actually, come to think of it, this only happens with the males I have dated. I am starting to think this is an unfortunate consequence of gender. My experience- no offense guys- Id like nothing more than to meet a sensitive and intuitive male, I just have not some across one yet in many decades of meeting people.
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Old 05-10-2016, 07:44 PM
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I just know that I have dealt with so many things entirely on my own in life from such a young, young age and it has broken me down as a person. Going through all things alone does not make you stronger, it breaks you down. I mean I can't even stand to be around other people because I see the way they are coddled and cared for in comparison to me and I have nothing. Zero. Zilch. And I am so in the habit of never having any kind of support in my life that it just became normal and then I fault myself for being angry and unhappy when in fact I have had a lonely, sad and s****y life that would make anyone unhappy, not just me.
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