Dee74

I hope you like it Sleepie

D

MissPerfumado

Hi everyone. I can't quite keep up, it's getting busy in class .

Vini, HI!! Nice to see you! Sorry to hear about the ups and downs re. health issues but glad you're around and facing forwards. We all sound in a similar place. That's what I like about these classes.

sleepie - you're sounding good. I missed your movie and book references. We need a bit of artistic influence around these parts.

I am okay with being a single woman, as a concept and in actually living it. There's a lot of freedom to do as I wish. It was a momentary feeling of missing something that I didn't have - specifically, someone had passed on critical feedback on how I had handled something professionally and while it wasn't a do-or-die situation, it would have been nice to have a bit of a sounding board, someone to cheer me up and say that it wasn't a big issue. Just someone to share with.

But it passed. And I am here, still soldiering on, still grateful for what I have, which includes a job that I enjoy and still have, that didn't get sacrificed to drinking. A not so small mercy, really.

Have a nice day everyone.

Gawd, I miss my Starbucks Grande Soy Lattes.

Steely

I woke this morning at 3:00 am panicking that my last post was ridiculous and embarressing. Calmed myself by challenging my thinking and reminding myself that it was OK. Thanks everyone.

I do put my low self esteem and lack of confidence down to early childhood and adolescence. Drinking put the icing on the cake and allowed me think that everyone was right, and I really was a piece of shite.

This is turning around with abstinence and I am so grateful to you guys for your support. I actually believe that this might work even when I feel wrecked or sick.

MissP you describe better the way I feel in terms of relationships. It really is just a fleeting thought, and I've gotta rave on for paragraphs trying to spit out my feelings. It is as you say, just a wistful, passing thought.

Had a dream last night about my older brother who really did treat me like shite when I was young, and also into my adulthood.

It is pathological and weird, and last night remembered being in a pub with him when I was 17. Underage. People were talking politics as per, and he reached for my hand and said that he was going to marry a girl like me. Eek. I thought it was weird even at that age.

Anyrate, in my dream I ripped his face off, verbally. Oh boy, did I give it to him, he didn't stand a chance and retreated wordless. I got it out somehow, even if only in dream, I am so grateful to you guys for allowing me to be.

I'm still making my bush coffee sleeps but will get a maker eventually. The op shops always have them, all I have to do is sterilise and it's all good.

Starbucks Grande Soy Lattes await MissP. Your seat is all lined up.

Maybe I could set up yet another coffee shop in Sydney and call it Bush Coffee by Steely. Tourists might fall for it.....briefly. Gotta make a quid somehow, haha

Wanted to thank you all, as really was completely angstified over my last post. I plead delirium, but not Delerium Tremens.

Thanks you guys.

sleepie

Steely if you need to feel better just read anything I have posted ever. I tell all. I haven't anyone else to tell and I know I sound nuts sometimes but if I wasn't a bit crazy after all my experiences I think that would make me a bit of a psychopath, is the irony of it.

I think a Bush Coffee shop is brilliant lol the tourists, good way to make coin!

And bf is out to mail a couple things and picking up a Starbucks "flat white" for me as we speak.

sleepie

The data is in.

Starbucks "Flat White'... I like the way the drink is made though I strongly suspect I'd get something much better in Australia. It is rather like a latte, but a bit less rich. Which I like as I enjoy bitter coffee, bitter chocolate, more bitter tastes are really good to me.

I would like it quite a bit if I could get this beverage at Intelligentsia as I am still unimpressed with the Starbucks coffee beans (Sorry MissP!)

But there it is. It is a coffee after all so no real complaints.

Steely

Thanks sleepie. It's all muddled and jangled and just trying to make sense of it all.
I get embarressed and think I'm a tool. Re-frame, steely.

I hope Starbucks make a good flat white I dont want you to be disappointed. They are scrummo, and are the ones they do the fancy little hearts on. Messaging Starbucks....deliver a good flat white to sleepie.

I think my idea of sketch on self help industry might have just been done, in a way. Someone has just produced a book entitled "The Book of Uninspirational Quotes".

Don't get me wrong, I like the ones that pop up here from time to time. I like the people more, for taking the time to do so.

Get this, "you are absolutely unique.....just like everyone else".

And a good one I heard for us MissP......"and if you can't beeeee, with the one you love, love the DUD you're with".

I am really going to try to tackle my flat today, it is in complete turmoil. And that's a euphemism.
Have been depressed and unwell, and just stare at it thinking - so what? Just as you say as well, Jenses.. It's gotta change, because I do like clean and organised surroundings.

Enjoy your flat white sleepie and best to all.

Steely

Thanks Dee.

MissPerfumado

Morning all. I hope no-one feels embarrassment about things written on this site. Steely, there's nothing you wrote that was embarrassing.

Anyway, this is a safe place for us, where we put it out there. It's full of understanding and welcome. Like you said, Steely, beyond politics ... beyond the things others might judge, even beyond self-confessed Starbucks habits.

It's the last day of my holidays here. I have a 4 hour drive to the airport and then a 3 hour flight home. It will be nice to sleep in my own bed tonight.

We've had a lot of nostalgia this week - stories about childhood from two generations - mine and my father's.

My father can't figure out a way to help his younger brother kick his alcoholism. My uncle is in denial. Mostly, he suffers from low self-esteem from being the younger brother who didn't live up to his larger than life father (my late grandfather, a successful but domineering man and another alcoholic) or his elder brother (my father, a consummate charmer who despite his years of drinking managed to do fine in his job). My uncle has started suffering serious health problems and he will only have a few more years if he carries on at this rate. I said to my dad to tell him that when he decides to quit, the family is here for him. I have no idea what else to say. Perhaps my dad could also tell him that he's the last of the family my dad has left and he doesn't want to lose him to booze.

I don't know. It's kind of the last chance saloon, except it's time to leave the saloon.

sleepie

That is unfortunate MissP. I am sad to hear of it, with your uncle. We both know that someone has to want to quit, is what it's all hinged on.

I spoke with a former counselor the other day. Just to let them know I was still kicking. They agreed with what I found, that just time in itself will dissolve much of the desire, and craving and reflex to revert to drink or pills. I said it's just a grudge match, white knuckles, just count the days and cross them off on the calendar- if you do whatever you need to and just don't drink (or pill) it will ease up. I said it peaks with stressful situations as it might for anyone but it's not like in the beginning where it seems if you break a shoelace it's misfortune enough to drink.

Just stack up the days. After that though, I don't know. I can't honestly say I am having a good time or life or anything. I said to this counselor, "Well I wish that I could say I quit everything and that I have a great life and job now but I really don't. I am just being evaluated for a learning disorder".

Sigh.

Steely

Stacking the days in themselves has never worked for me in the past, if that's what you're saying sleepie.

I have always white knuckled it (counting)in the past and yes, shoelaces become less of a problem, but it has taken a monumental shift in my psyche to really put the drinking calendar down. I don't want to drink no matter how crap I feel. I know I would only feel worse.

I don't know what it's going to deliver either sleepie, no one does really.

There is joy to be had in not drinking irrespective of the visicitudes. That's how I feel at any rate. It's probably the only joy I have because it holds promise. Nothin' much else does....

My mother just phoned me in her professional old person's voice lol and totally guilt tripped me about going out to see her more often, plus my brother, and my daughter and......MY LIFE!

Me: Yes Mum, I'll be out next Thursday and yes, I'll go see M, and, and, and...I'll ....

My mother: (old person voice) "I guess that's what daughter's are for, but it doesn't always happen, does it? (creepy, pathetic, old person voice) lol it did my head in. Grrrrrr.

Good you had some reminiscing with your Dad MissP that's always good, and nice to be done sober.

Have done a fair bit of work on the flat, watered and tended my pot plants and now trying to relax in front of old episodes of "The Bill"......old British cop show.

I find it really difficult to relax and might have to get serious about exercise and meditation. Both receive a really good press in terms of anxiety and depression and are evidence based. Tomorrow, I'll try.

Hope I understood what you were trying to convey sleepie.

Thanks for snapping me out of my embarrassment, it was pretty dorky, but now I'm laughing.

sleepie

Hi Steely, glad you are feeling better about posting because there is nothing to be worried about or feel off about.

As far as tracking days, it was the time itself that I was getting at. If a person just gets to 3 months and beyond it will get easier as far as craving etc. But many fall off the wagon before that time, and you have to just get the time. So each day closer to that you are closer to easing up on cravings.

Though for me crave is a word that is better applied to things like food, but I am stickler for wording. I never liked the word "sober" because it has a lot of connotations that I find unappealing and also that I feel diminish whatever merits sobriety may have.

This is from Merriam Webster and is the 2nd meaning listed for "sober":

"having or showing a very serious attitude or quality"

Now that to me does not do anything I like to think or dream of sobriety doing. I mean why work so hard for that? If there were a more... desirable or fitting term, I'd be ok with that. Let's make some? Might be fun... Something a little more... bright, or hopeful?

And maybe this is just my disorder rearing it's head. A defining characteristic os to be really, almost hinged on finding the right term and getting wrapped up in semantics.

Although I am ok with that as aI really do rather enjoy it.

Well talk about "raving on"!

Steely

I understand what you mean now sleepie about accruing time, and I suppose any time is good time after all.

I know what you mean about the use of the word "sober". I saw an avatar here which read (I think) "Not Drinking, But Not Sober". I really liked it.

It's more the clarity of thought, the hope and promise as you say. Much more appealing. Sober sounds very sombre.

Hope people don't think me cruel when describing conversation with my mother. I do care about her (note, I didn't say love) and would do anything for her. I just hate getting guilt tripped. I don't think its fair. Anyrate, it did my head in and I'd challenge anyone to not feel the same. It's too transparent and too manipulative for my likings.

Geez, when. I was in a psych unit years back my mother came to see me ONCE and on arrival said, "gee, I hope no-one thinks I'm a patient here", and she wasn't trying to be funny or light hearted. She meant it. Anyrate enough of my mother, I'll be over it by nights end.

I think semantics are great too sleepie not that you would notice it here, My concentration and ability to pull ideas and concepts together seem a little comprised at the moment and can only attribute it to anxiety.

Hi to all, and I do care about my mother, just got incredibly frustrated.

sleepie

That sounds selfish what she said at the hospital Steely

I am hardly one to say anything about anyone,I quit speaking to my parents entirely a long time ago. And it really was for the best.

Guilt tripping, that sounds like a form of control the way you laid it out there Steely, I am sorry you are having to deal with that. No, guilt is not cool. Not okay.

Steely

Thanks sleepie that helped me a lot. Really.

i understand that people, particularly women, pretty much powerless, and from my mother's generation, had to manipulate to have their needs met, but still incredibly frustrating and anger making. Just give me some truth now.

MissPerfumado

You have picked yourself up again, sleepie, you aren't just getting through the days IMO.

Steely - guilt tripping, don't get me started! Although my parents have moved on so far from doing that. We're a family that just about imploded once upon a time and somehow through a miracle patched things together so that we have a semblance of a unit these days. Once that has happened, you stay polite with each other. Take nothing for granted, especially not the myth that blood is thicker than water.

I'm on a plane and going home. I'm going to try and switch off the buzz in my head for several hours and forget about work, family issues, anything stress-y.

Take care all.

sleepie

Steely, that is really understanding and open minded of you to think of where she is coming from. But I hate to think of you being treated that way. Still sad to hear of the hospital experience. You needed a little compassion and care. I would give it to you myself.

Ok so in really typical fashion I misread when you said "stacking the days never worked" and I thought you wrote "Tracking the days never worked" and took that to mean two different things. So as I thought you said "Tracking the days..." I thought you meant that the act of counting the days did not work- which I understand it is better for some to just not focus on the number because it can backfire at times for whatever reasons. I have read of that here on the site. Works for some, not for others.

But since I read it right this time (which is kinda unsettling as I looked at it twice earlier to make sure- I miss a lot of details and so have gotten into the habit of reading then re-reading) I now understand what you are saying, I think. Like many here, to maintain longer term abstinence you needed to make a change in your mentality. To make it stick, it wouldn't be about simply quitting. It is more multi-faceted? That makes total sense.

And I have probably made things even more complicated in "sleepie" typical fashion!

I think this detail issue I have may be why they are also testing me for ADD.

sleepie

Safe travels, Miss P!

Steely

Thanks sleepie. Maybe not ld but more the difficulties encountered in trying to convey ideas and meaning through this medium.

No body language, no mirroring, no tweaks and corrections as in normal conversation, and probably what has me rave at such length, trying not to be misunderstood. For the lack of a single word whole meaning can be lost entirely.

Might give me practice in condensing my thoughts and making things clear in my own mind.

I don't think my family of origin will ever make for a unit again MissP. It's a bit too late for that now. Everything is alright, but still very much damaged by history. So dysfunctional, alcoholism, stupid poverty......stupid parents...... don't 'spose they knew any better.

Oh well, time now in sobriety to be my own parent. A good one. I like that idea.

Are we the only ones left in our Class? Was also wondering how SR was founded?

Thanks girls. You rock.

Dee74

It was started in the early noughties by a guy named Jon, but that's about the extent of my knowledge.

I haven't always been here lol - I arrived several years later

D

Steely

Thanks Dee